Do My Parents Have 4 Cats and 1 Child or Just 5 Cats? A (Millennial) Reflection

by Teesta Rawal

I haven’t always been feline. Or at least I think I haven’t. My friends, however, would beg to disagree. Consider for yourself, I suppose, who is right. Let’s weigh the evidence.

1. Cats: Sleep all day, awake at night.

Me: Everyone I’ve lived with will agree. I woke up at 2 in the afternoon today.

2. Cats: Extremely fussy about food, often refuse to try out new things.

Me: Fussy is my middle name. Teesta F Rawal.

3. Cats: Aloof, mysterious creatures. Crave attention at specific times, in specific ways only. Always on their own terms.

Me: People often ask me why I prefer being alone instead of with a group of friends. Well, I enjoy my own company. And being more social would kill the “oh-so-mysterious” vibe, wouldn’t it? Which isn’t to say I despise attention. I will shamefully admit that sometimes I even demand it aggressively. But only sometimes.

4. Cats: Ensure people are at their beck and call at any point in time.

Me: Look at my Whatsapp messages. If your reply takes longer than 15 seconds, I will claim that you have ghosted me, that you deserve to be mercilessly cut out from my life.

5. Cats: Don’t like being touched. Will scratch or bite in case of accidental (or deliberate) contact.

Me: Absolutely the same.

6. Cats: Sleep in weird positions, often curled up. Their spines can support it.

Me: Also sleeps in weird positions, often curled up, inviting spinal issues in the future.

7. Cats: Don’t appear to love baths.

Me: Showering is torture. Orange soap makes it only slightly more bearable.

8. Cats: Practically wedded to cardboard boxes.

Me: My college roommate will tell you that I had a box to sit in for a good three months, before she put her foot down and threw it out.

9. Cats: Love hiding in nooks and crannies, observing surroundings silently.

Me: Blends in effortlessly, knows things about people and places that others do not. (Should any persons or organizations require such skills, you know where to find me.)

10. Cats: Warped sense of what counts as fun (read: doing things you are absolutely not permitted to, and then getting away with it, such as tracking dirty pawprints across the kitchen counter, sleeping on the dining table, getting inside cupboards stacked precariously with crockery, clawing holes in bed linen, or sleeping atop neatly folded laundry and shedding fur all over it. This is a highly abbreviated version of the original memo on the subject.)

Me: Definitely have a long list of things under this category. (Cannot list here as my cat-loving parents are likely to read this book. Or in case the aforementioned individuals and organizations actually consider hiring me. Or wait, maybe they’ll actually like that?)

11. Cats: Always seem unapproachable, unfriendly. May be said to have cold eyes.

Me: Glares at strangers on the street, prefer never to be spoken to as far as possible. (This article was commissioned by text and delivered on email.)

12. Cats: Actually very affectionate and unwaveringly loyal to those they trust.

Me: Will protect those I love with my life, cannot stand disloyalty. For example, either you buy this book or you’re in deep trouble.

Having put down eleven—no wait, twelve—points now, I can see why people would think as they do. However, I must acknowledge two dissimilarities between me and the feline species. One, I detest fish. I cannot stand it—neither the smell, nor the taste, nor the texture. Would rather eat bones than fish. And two, I am upsettingly klutzy. Not even a tenth as nimble and agile as a cat is. Really restricts my climbing onto walls and high platforms— for the greater good, I think.

I personally am vain enough to ignores these minor blights on my otherwise stellar near-cat impersonation (if im-person-ation is even the right word for this). Now if you’ll excuse me, I must leave to preen in the mirror for a bit. Lord knows it does not end well for anybody who tries to ruffle my hair.