“I’VE WANTED you forever,” Kevin said, throwing it all out to the Universe. Totally exposing himself. And so what if it took the pitch blackness to allow him to do it. So what if he was only truly admitting all of this now, even to himself. “Since the first time I saw you sitting at that registration table my very first Men’s Festival. I was so nervous. It took everything in me to come. I almost turned around a dozen times and went back home to New York. I almost didn’t get out of my truck, no matter how many hours I’d driven to get there. And then there was you.”
“Me?” Wyatt said, the shock in his voice impossible to miss.
Yes, you!
“You were so damned cute, and you were so nice, and you made me feel so at home I knew I’d come to the right place.” Kevin couldn’t believe he was admitting this. In truth, he was finally and truly admitting it to himself.
“I did?” Wyatt asked. He couldn’t believe what Kevin was saying.
“I went and found a place to camp, and I set up way off from everyone else. On the edge of Avalon.” Being at Camp had taken enough out of him. He couldn’t set up camp right there with a bunch of men he didn’t know.
“Way off is right!” Avalon was at the extreme south end of Camp Sanctuary property. The exact opposite side of the plateau where everyone else camped.
“And then I saw you at dinner, and I so wanted to come sit by you. I was trying to build up the courage when I saw you kiss this big man….” God, Kevin thought. I’m admitting this!
“Howard,” Wyatt whispered.
“And so I sat down at another table,” Kevin said. “And that’s when I met Lorax and Domi Dearest and Lead Foot, and they told me you and Howard were together.” Domi saw me staring. But that time he thought I was looking at Howard. He was wrong. I was interested in you, Wyatt.
But I don’t—“But I don’t understand why you didn’t come sit with us anyway,” Wyatt said and then immediately realized he did know. It was because I was with Howard and—
“I don’t go for guys who are in relationships.” And after that, I pretty much ignored you. Or tried to.
“But when did that ever stop a gay man?” Wyatt asked. And then his heart started to pound.
“It stopped me,” said Kevin. “And I don’t mess with married men. I don’t do that.” Because how could I ever have anything but a one-night stand, then?
“But Howard and I were in an open relationship,” Wyatt said. Why did you let that stop you? We could have had so much fun!
“Wyatt!” Kevin took a deep breath. Don’t yell at him, he told himself. Hasn’t Wyatt been yelled at enough? “I don’t do married men. I’ve told you that. I want to be more than a fun night for some guy. More than that year’s conquest.”
“But there are guys who get together all the time. Zebra and Historical Heloise are both in relationships, but they’re together every year at Festival.” Their lovers didn’t come to Heartland Queer Men’s Festival. They hated camping.
“Do their lovers know?” Kevin asked. From what Kevin had been able to piece together, their lovers didn’t know.
“I… I….” Wyatt swallowed hard. “I think they’ve said that they are in relationships that are ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’”
Kevin shook his head, even though Wyatt couldn’t see him in the dark. “A summer lover isn’t good enough for me, Wyatt. It’s no better than a one-night stand. I can’t do it. I want forever.”
“Forever?” Wyatt asked. He means this. Wyatt’s heart skipped.
“I don’t care if monogamy isn’t ‘gay.’ That’s what I want.” It was the only thing he could do. He’d tried having an open relationship. Tried it for Cauley’s sake because he loved the man so, and Cauley said he needed more. It was all a part of his activism, Cauley claimed. All a part of proving that gay men were different from straight people, and activism meant more than equal rights or the ability to get married. It meant the right to be different. In fact, Cauley had stayed out of the whole same-sex marriage movement. “Cauley said the same thing. That gay men didn’t need to be monogamous. But it killed me when I knew he was with another man. He didn’t do it often.” Or at least that’s what he claimed.
“Don’t you think that’s ego?” Wyatt asked. “Howard said that wanting somebody all to yourself was ego. It was trying to own somebody, and no one had a right to own anyone.”
Howard said that? wondered Kevin. “The Buddha talked about that,” Kevin said aloud and then cursed himself for getting religious—spiritual—again. “He said that owning things made us feel real and that we needed to learn we were real without having a title or property or a relationship. But he also said we should be monogamous.”
Why? wondered Wyatt. “Why?” he said aloud. “Isn’t that about owning someone?” Tell me I am wrong. Tell me Howard was wrong. Because goddammit, that’s all I ever wanted. One man. Who wanted only me.
“Because being with one person isn’t about owning anyone.” And it wasn’t. Kevin saw that once he let Cauley have his way. Kevin hadn’t held to his convictions. He let Cauley talk him into something he didn’t want. And in the end it destroyed me, Kevin thought. Over and over again. “Monogamy is about holding yourself to an ideal. It’s about commitment. There is power in monogamy. Ask any true celibate priest or monk who gives up sex for their beliefs. There is power in celibacy because all that energy is used for something higher. That’s what I believe monogamy is, Wyatt. I don’t think I’m losing out on anything by committing myself to one man. I think there is power in it.”
“Oh my gods,” Wyatt said with a gasp, heart pounding. He means this. It’s real. Just like with Sloan and Max. And Scott and Cedar. And Asher and Peni.
The fairy tale.
“And that is why I won’t come get in your bed, Wyatt. I’m not ever going to settle for less than what I want again.”
Like I did, thought Wyatt.
And then out loud. “Gods. Like I did. I settled, Kevin.”
God, I’m not judging you, little bear, Kevin thought to himself, and then said it out loud. “I’m not judging you, sweet little bear. Little Bear.” The second time using Wyatt’s actual Faerie name. His magick name. And not just because he was a sweet little bear. “I am only telling you what I want.”
“But it’s what I always wanted,” cried Wyatt. He all but shouted it. “And Howard convinced me, Kevin. He taught me that what I was wanting was all a fairy tale. That it wasn’t real. That I had been fucking brainwashed. And it hurt!”
Oh God! Wyatt’s heart was pounding so hard now that it hurt. Am I having a heart attack or something? he wondered. “It hurt that what I wanted couldn’t be had!”
One more fucking way that Howard hurt you! Kevin thought. He let you settle for less. And no one should ever settle for less than what they want.