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“NOW, AS SOME OF YOU already know, your second cousin, Wilhelmina Collins, is set to arrive today.” Mr. Bennet conspiratorially rubbed his palms together as he plotted the futures of his many sons. “Your mother and I were unlucky, as neither of us had any close female relations who could inherit Longbourn, our beloved home. Our estate may be small, but it means the world to me... and as of this moment, Wilhelmina is the one who stands to inherit it upon your mother's death.”
Joseph, who had recently returned from Netherfield, exchanged nervous glances with Elisander. The eldest Bennet brother had only bad memories of their second cousin. When they were children, she constantly wrote love letters addressed to him and hid them around his room. For some reason, he kept them all—and there were twenty-two in total.
“We have not seen Wilhelmina in quite some time, however, she has become even more successful in recent years,” Mr. Bennet continued. “She is now an inventor, and her research is funded by the legendary Lady Catherine de Bourgh, founder of the First Flight Academy for Young Ladies. Apparently, your cousin is now quite rich... which means, of course, one of you will have to marry her.”
All five Bennet brothers tried to avoid eye contact with their scheming pater. None of them wanted to be the sacrifice.
“You are all holding back a groan! I can see it in your eyes!” Mr. Bennet declared. “Miss Collins is looking for a husband, and for the sake of your family, you should all be honored to accept her proposal. If she asks any one of you, I expect you to accept!”
The brothers quietly murmured their discontent, but none of them outright opposed their father.
“I understand your reservations. Truly, I do,” Mr. Bennet went on. “Wilhelmina Collins has... shall we say... a very uninspiring face. In truth, she possesses very few features that are worthy of a compliment, and some might describe her as... mildly unattractive.”
“She's hideous,” Lachlan boldly interjected, which earned him a grin and a snicker from his adoring brother Matthew. “Seriously. She's so ugly, even dogs refuse to play with her. When Barkley was still alive, he ran from her.”
“W-well...” Mr. Bennet struggled to defend his wife's distant relation. Mrs. Bennet was absent from the drawing room. Unlike her husband, she could not bring herself to care about the arrival of Wilhelmina Collins. “Perhaps you could try to focus on the many other qualities that would make her a wonderful wife?”
“Like what?” Lachlan croaked.
“Well, to begin with, she must be intelligent!” Mr. Bennet declared. “If not, I doubt she would have been sponsored by Lady Catherine de Bourgh! Furthermore, she has a warm heart, a caring nature, and a—”
“She's boring,” Lachlan interjected again.
Mr. Bennet's jaw tightened at his youngest son's observation. He was clearly vexed by Lachlan's outbursts. Ignoring Lachlan's dissent, he continued, “Now, it is very possible Miss Collins will ask for my opinion. She might ask me to choose a husband on her behalf. Should that happen, I believe the duty should be Kier's.”
Kier, who had spent the afternoon looking bored, glanced up and gasped. “Me? Why?” He suddenly felt strangled by his own cravat.
“Well... Joseph has already caught Miss Li's eye, so he isn't an option. Elisander is too comely and witty for someone like Wilhelmina. Lachlan and Matthew are handsome enough to attract their own wives one day, so that leaves... you.” Mr. Bennet gave his son a slightly unsympathetic pout. “I'm very sorry, Kier. Truly.”
“But I'm not obligated to accept her!” Kier whined. “I'm not! I won't leg-shackle myself to a woman who is bound to make me miserable!”
“And why not?” Mr. Bennet's chin haughtily raised. “You can finally be of use to your family! Is that not an honor? Besides, out of all your brothers, you are the one who is more equal to her in looks. You—”
Mr. Bennet's insults were interrupted by the arrival of the Bennets' butler, who delivered the news of Wilhelmina's arrival.
“Try to look lively, boys!” Mr. Bennet coached his sons as they awaited their cousin's entrance. “Shoulders back, Matthew! You don't want to look like a slouch. Remember to smile, Kier! You mustn't always look so moody. You...”
Once again, Mr. Bennet was interrupted—this time by a peculiar whirring noise, followed by a series of mechanical beeps. As the beeping came closer, the door burst open, and Wilhelmina rode into the room on a motorized chair.
“Greetings, my handsome cousins!” Wilhelmina exclaimed. The mechanized chair buzzed as she rode into the room. “How lovely it is to see you all again! I... ow!” Wilhelmina grimaced as her chair slammed into the Bennets' sofa.
“Goodness!” Mr. Bennet chuckled nervously as Wilhelmina steered her chair away from the sofa. “That is, uh... that's quite the invention, Miss Collins!”
The chair beeped loudly as it crept backward. Suddenly, it flew back so fast, Wilhelmina and her chair banged into the drawing room door. Every Bennet brother gasped, but Wilhelmina didn't seem to notice her minor crash.
“Do you see these switches on this panel?” Wilhelmina pointed at the chair's left arm, where a half-dozen metal switches were jutting in different directions. “I-I-I'm still trying to get the chair to respond to my commands. And I'm still trying to figure out how it works, quite frankly. For example, I forgot what this switch was supposed to do.
When Wilhelmina flicked the switch, her chair spun in circles. “Oh my!” Wilhelmina chuckled as she twirled around the room. “This seems rather inconvenient! I wonder why I ever thought to implement such a function? I, uh...” When Miss Collins flicked the switch and the chair didn't stop spinning, she slammed a fist into the panel.
The spinning continued.
“Give me a moment, please! I'm sure I'll get it under control!” The chair continued to spin until Wilhelmina punched the panel three more times. Finally, the chair halted, and a hiss of smoke erupted from the chair's right arm.
“Well, that was certainly, uh... entertaining,” Mr. Bennet said. “You never fail to fascinate me, Miss Collins.”
“I know. I never fail to fascinate myself!” Wilhelmina donned a pair of oversized pink goggles as she studied the Bennet brothers. She was a tall, heavy woman of five and twenty, with wiry black hair and wide, thin lips. She wore an unusual silver greatcoat, and her boots were made of metal.
After a short pause, Wilhelmina addressed the eldest Bennet first. “Joseph! You look every bit as handsome as I remember, if not more so. A friend of a friend of a well-informed young lady told me some very distressing news about you. Now, I see, the news was accurate.” She frowned at the cast on Joseph's appendage. “You broke your leg?”
“Unfortunately, yes,” confirmed a sighing Joseph.
“Does is hurt a lot?”
Joseph repeated his answer. “Unfortunately... yes.”
“Well, I'm terribly sorry to hear about that!” Wilhelmina suddenly leapt from her motorized chair, which was still smoking from multiple places. “That is why I brought the chair! If your leg is broken, I thought you might benefit from it.”
Joseph grimaced at the idea. He didn't want to offend his cousin, nor did he want to risk death while riding around in her imperfect invention. “That's very kind of you, but... I get around on my crutches perfectly well.”
“Well, if you ever change your mind, the chair is ready and waiting for you!” Miss Collins declared. As she spoke, she waved away the smoke that had amassed around the chair. “It might require a bit of tinkering, though. Oh! I brought another invention as well!”
All brothers went silent as Miss Collins reached into her bag. When she pulled out a small, metal robot, they looked more worried than amused.
“What is... that?” It was Mr. Bennet who dared to ask the question.
“This is my latest invention... the Robo-Oracle!” As she spoke, Wilhelmina turned a crank on the robot's head. “You ask it a question, and the Robo-Oracle provides you with the answer you need! My patron, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, was quite amused by my creation at her latest garden party. I believe you will be amused by it as well!”
There was a loud click when Miss Collins finished turning the crank. She set the Robo-Oracle on a table in front of the Bennets, but none of them spoke or moved a muscle. In fact, they barely batted an eyelash. They were transfixed by their cousin's mad creation.
“Go on,” the lady encouraged them. “Ask it a question, and you will be guaranteed a correct answer.”
Joseph was the bravest. He scooted forward on the settee, leaned as close to the Robo-Oracle as he could, and asked, “Does Miss Li care about me?”
The Robo-Oracle's head spun, its metal mouth clanged open, and red steam flooded from a hole in its neck. After a few seconds, a robotic voice shouted, “No!”
“No?” Joseph pouted at the answer. “Are you quite sure of that?”
The Robo-Oracle's head spun again, and it repeated, “No!”
“So... does that mean you are not sure of Miss Li's feelings for me?” Joseph asked. “You're being very vague.”
A few seconds later, the Robo-Oracle gave him an answer that had his younger brothers snickering.
“You're ugly!” Robo-Oracle shouted as its head wildly spun. “You're ugly... you're ugly... you're ugly... you're ugly... you're...”
“Oh dear!” Nervous chuckles flew from Wilhelmina's lips as she grabbed the robot and held her hand over its metal mouth—which did little to silence her invention.
Under Miss Collins' hand, the robot continue to bellow, “you're ugly... you're ugly... you're ugly... you're ugly...”
“Th-there appears to be something quite wrong with Robo-Oracle today.” When smacking the robot's buttons failed to silence him, Wilhelmina shoved her creation into her bag.
Even then, the robot continued to croon, “you're ugly... you're ugly... you're ugly...”
As scarlet flooded her cheeks, Wilhelmina stuttered, “R-Robo-Oracle clearly has poor taste, because you're actually very handsome, Joseph!” Their cousin slung her bag over her shoulder and slowly retreated from the drawing room. “I, uh... I think I might need to make a few modifications. It was lovely to see you all, and I shall rejoin you at supper!”
Wilhelmina Collins rushed from the room before she embarrassed herself further.