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HAD SHE BEEN SHUNNED after the debacle with the Robo-Oracle, Wilhelmina Collins would not have been surprised. She was surprised, however, when Mr. Bennet pulled her aside and said, “I think you should marry one of my sons.”
“Oh!” Wilhelmina's shocked eyes were hidden behind her audacious pink goggles. “That's unexpected, but timely. I am actually on the hunt for a husband, and I had considered your sons as an option.”
“Wonderful! Excellent!” Mr. Bennet's face was brightened by her words. “I hate to say this, but if you could take one of the boys off my hands, you would be doing me a great favor. I have so many sons. So, so many sons! I kept hoping I would eventually be blessed with a daughter, but I had no such luck.” Mr. Bennet's fan fluttered near his cheeks. “Do you have any idea how difficult it will be to find wives for all five of them? If I could launch even one of the lads, I would feel lucky.”
Wilhelmina, who was a bit shocked by his candor, responded with a tense smile.
“Might I make a suggestion?” Mr. Bennet asked. “I have given this a great deal of thought, and I believe you should marry Kier.”
“Oh?” Wilhelmina raised a shaggy eyebrow. Kier would have been one of her last choices—if not the absolute last. She always thought the middle brother was plain and boringly bookish. “And why is that?”
“I believe his temperament would suit you the most.” Mr. Bennet's thumbs twiddled when the lady went silent. Fearing she did not like his suggestion, he quickly added, “B-but you are, of course, welcome to propose to any of them. Honestly, feel free to propose to all of them, if you'd like!”
Wilhelmina took his advice a bit too literally. As soon as she finished her last bite of breakfast, she immediately sought out her favorite of the five brothers—which was, without question, Joseph Bennet. She had been smitten with the eldest brother since they were children, and spent many nights laying awake, dreaming of his lips.
She found him in the garden, where he was on his crutches and strolling with Duchess, the Bennets' fox terrier. Wilhelmina's heart drummed with anticipation as she hurried down the garden path to greet him. “Joseph!” Miss Collins cried his name. She was hoping for a smile from him, but Duchess was far more excited to see her. The exhilarated terrier pounced, staining Wilhelmina's breeches in muddy paw prints.
“Hello, Miss Collins. You look well today,” Joseph politely greeted her.
“Do I?” Fearing she was too wan, Wilhelmina gave her cheeks a few light pinches. “Well... you, of course, are as devastatingly handsome as ever. How does my heart still continue to beat when my eyes behold such a face? You're so handsome, I should be stricken dead at the sight of you!”
“You are far too kind, my lady,” Joseph dismissed her compliment with a chilly chuckle. “I am not as handsome as that, I am sure.”
“Oh, but you are! Your modesty only adds to your perfection, Mr. Bennet.” Before Joseph could respond, Wilhelmina removed her top hat and dropped to her knees. “Fair Joseph... surely you know my intentions? Ever since we were children, I have singled you out as the companion of my future life. You are the only gentleman I have ever wanted, and even after all these years, you never fail to set my heart aflutter!”
“Uh...” Gobsmacked Joseph could not manage a reply.
“I have your respected father's permission... to ask for your hand in marriage!” Wilhelmina finished with a bow of her head. “Shall you, or shall you not, make me the world's happiest woman?”
Joseph's answer was accompanied by a wince. “I... shall not.”
“You shan't?” Wilhelmina's voice squeaked. “Whyever not?”
“I'm afraid my heart is set on someone else,” confessed a frowning Joseph. “I am very sorry to disappoint you, my lady. Truly.”
Wilhelmina rose from the grass with a grumble. “And is there nothing I might do to make you more amenable to the idea?” She tried to soften him with her most pitiful pout. “Anything at all?”
“I'm afraid not.” Joseph shook his head and sighed. “Again, I am terribly sorry.”
With an aggravated snort, Wilhelmina plucked a purple crocus and charged in the direction of the house. She refused to lament Joseph's rejection while there were other Bennet brothers whose hearts were waiting to be captured. She set her sights on Elisander, who was reading a book in Longbourn's dusty library.
“Elisander!” Wilhelmina shuffled into the room and closed the door behind her. “Elisander Bennet, might I have a word with you?”
“Of course.” Elisander closed his book and gave his cousin his undivided attention. “You look very... serious.”
“I am. Because this is a very serious matter!” Wilhelmina stomped across the room, sank to her knees a second time, seized Elisander's hand, and kissed it. As she presented the purple crocus, she said, “You are, in my eyes, the epitome of perfection! Your wit, vivacity, and handsome face would make you a fine husband, Elisander Bennet. If I could make you mine, I would be an extraordinarily happy woman.”
Elisander gently pulled his fingers from his cousin's grasp. “This is... unexpected,” he said.
“Is it?” Wilhelmina's eyes fluttered behind her goggles. “As handsome as you are, you must get proposed to constantly.”
“Not at all. Actually, this is the first time such an offer has been made. I... I'm not certain I know how to react.” Elisander suddenly felt strangled by his cravat. Though he did not want to disappoint his father, he was even less inclined to disappoint himself. After a short pause, he finally gave his answer. “Accept my thanks for the compliments you have paid me, but I'm afraid I must decline.”
“Am I to now learn...” Wilhelmina started, “that it is usual for young men to reject the addresses of the woman he secretly means to accept? In truth, you actually admire me, and I should cling to the hope that one day I might lead you down the aisle?”
“No.” Elisander repeated his answer with a firm shake of his head. “Most certainly not.”
“Very well. Then I suppose I shall take my leave.” Wilhelmina's pout returned as she shuffled to the door. “Good day, sir!”
She found her third favorite brother, Lachlan, sipping tea in Longbourn's drawing room. When she entered, the youngest brother did not invite her to join him, nor did he make eye contact. She secretly thought it was beyond rude, but she expected no less of such a young man.
“Lachlan Bennet...” She decided not to sink to her knees. Instead, she stayed upright and smiling. “Will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?”
His cousin's proposal was so direct, he nearly spat his tea. “Pardon?”
“My husband,” Wilhelmina repeated. “You should be my husband. I believe that would make me quite happy indeed.”
“I'm... sorry, but I believe that would make me very unhappy,” Lachlan stated. “I'm only fifteen, you know. Do you not think I am too young to marry?”
“Not at all. You're really quite grown!” Miss Collins exclaimed. “And you're very handsome for your age. You—”
“I'm sorry,” Lachlan interrupted. “I'm sorry, but I have to decline.” As Wilhelmina sheepishly exited the drawing room, the youngest brother murmured to himself, “I believe that might be the strangest thing that's ever happened to me...”
Next, she attempted to propose to Matthew, who snickered as he gave his answer.
“I apologize if this is rude, Miss Collins, but you are not my type,” he told her. “You are really not my type.”
Finally, she sought out the fifth and final brother, Kier, who was reading a book in the shade of an elm tree. As Wilhelmina approached, she cleared her throat and bowed.
“Kier... handsome Kier...” Miss Collins' nose noticeably twitched as she addressed him. “I have, for some time, admired you from afar. Your strangeness is pleasing, your large nose suits you, and your bookishness is... oddly charming.”
Kier was reluctant to accept the lady's compliments—if, in fact, they were meant to be compliments at all. “Thank... you?”
“I find myself in want of a husband,” Wilhelmina admitted. “The more I think on the matter, the more I realize you and I would not be such a terrible match. We might not fit together perfectly, of course, but the thought of marrying you is... somewhat satisfactory.”
Turning his eyes back to his book, Kier replied, “If ever a less passionate proposal has been uttered, I would be thoroughly shocked.” As he turned a page, he added, “So... I'm afraid I must decline. Farewell, my lady.”
“Is my hand in marriage really so unworthy of acceptance?” Wilhelmina squawked. “Pray tell, what has made me such an unappealing prospect to all of you?”
“All of us?” Kier's eyebrows jumped to his forehead. “Did you really just confess that you proposed to all of my brothers before settling on me?”
“I... am afraid I did.” Wilhelmina chuckled nervously. “However, I find that I am now most drawn to you, Kier Bennet. Surely you were not serious in your rejection of me?”
“Could I possibly speak plainer?” Kier sighed. “I'm sorry, Miss Collins, but my answer remains unchanged. I will not marry you. Ever.”
“Very well. I... I suppose I must go then...” A crushed Miss Collins slowly turned in the direction of the house. “And I shall spend the next several hours nursing my shattered ego, I am sure.”