I hope Scotland gets its independence, largely because an annual Scottish Independence Day will look like the fucking D-Day landings. With less than a year to go to the independence referendum you have to wonder where the campaign is. Everybody in Britain claims devotion to the idea of democracy but most areas of life are run by elites. They view the idea of ordinary people making decisions about ‘their’ world like they’d view the prospect of their minds being colonised by a civilisation of telepathic ants. The people behind the independence campaign are really trying to give us an opportunity to swap elites. The mindset? Why should the English divvy up Scotland for their cronies when it could be divvied up for ours? Of course, Scottish people sound different in their internal monologue when no English are listening and they’ll actually be thinking, ‘Wha nacht split yon monees tween wir sleekit neebours?’, but the point stands.
I’m completely pro independence, but naturally the campaign so far has been a leg-wobbling tranquilliser dart of smirking insipidity and Alan Cumming. There’s been no attempt to engage with ordinary people, partly because to succeed it would have to draw a lot of non-voters into political action. That’s something that nobody in our political classes really wants. It could well be that politicians pushing for independence don’t want to succeed. That might sound ridiculous, but remember they’re politicians. They spend their whole lives lying to other people; why wouldn’t they be lying to themselves?
Scotland has provoked fear in British politicians since the days of the Red Clydesiders. It emerged a few years ago that deliberate underestimates of Glasgow’s population have been used to starve it of public funds since Churchill’s time. The reason being that it was seen, along with Liverpool, as the most likely starting point of a revolution.
It’s no coincidence that Scotland today is a sedated culture. BBC Scotland has quotas of programmes that have to be made here, so it transfers English shows up to Scotland in what seems to be a desperate and self-hating attempt to deny Scottish programme-makers a voice. Broadsheet newspapers in Scotland have a reading age in the early teens. The population is seen as volatile and so the culture presented to them is a clear soup of anaesthetising platitudes. I remember doing an interview once for the Glasgow Herald:
Interviewer: How do you want to be remembered?
Me: As a G.
Interviewer:How do you spell that?
As far as the vote goes, Alex Salmond has a job on his hands as many Scots were hoping to be able to vote for even more dependence. He says independence will win because he’ll show a positive vision for the future. So the next two years will mainly involve gassing alcoholics like TB-ridden badgers.
The independence vote will be an interesting time for Scots, especially as for most it will be a novelty to fill in official forms while still being allowed to wear their own belt and shoe laces. It would be more amusing if on entering the polling booth you were just faced with the word ‘Freedom’ written on an arcade punch-bag machine and to register your support you’d have to headbutt it above ‘Superman’ level. Salmond described the decision about whether or not to stay in the UK as the most important Scots will have to make in three hundred years. But to put that into perspective, the second-most important decision is ‘Salt and sauce?’ Alex Salmond said if granted independence the Scots will cease to act like ‘surly lodgers’. I’ve never thought of myself as a surly lodger; I mean, at least not in anything outwith my marriage, but I finally understand why we had that hole drilled in Hadrian’s Wall – so we could watch our sexy English landlords when they take a bath.
It would be a terrible shame if we had different currencies. Not least as Scottish notes are easily the best way of getting into arguments with London cabbies, especially now that shoe polish has started bringing up that rash on my face. I think the average Scot is mature enough not to mind whether we keep the pound or have a new currency. Just as long as there’s a coin heavy enough to throw at a football match. If we get a new currency I’d still like to see the Queen on it. Pleading on her knees in front of a muscular, tartan-clad stud whose semi-mechanical cock is spouting oil.
David Cameron said he believes passionately that the Union must stay together, skilfully managing not to add, ‘At least till the oil runs out.’ There’s very little oil left. Most of it’s just used to lubricate the battered leathery chuffs of the knock-kneed escorts, sitting on packs of frozen peas as they wait in Aberdeen harbour to greet the next group of riggers coming off shift. Staying together because we’ve been together for ages isn’t an argument for not splitting. God knows, I’ve tried that. And she even ignored her subsequent independence referendum despite me and the cat both voting no. It’s just like any relationship that’s gone a bit stale – we just need to spice things up. Perhaps Scotland should go on top for bit, while Wales watches and fiddles with itself. I don’t know why I’m bothering – she doesn’t even read my books.
Or perhaps England will become energy-independent. A huge gas field has been discovered under Blackpool. It could help improve the lives of thousands of people, if the gas companies drill down and set a match to it.
Alistair Darling described Scottish independence as a ‘one-way ticket to nowhere’, which is coincidentally the exact phrase I use at the Virgin counter whenever I want to travel to Newcastle. I’m not surprised the Tories in Scotland are using this phrase, but I just thought it would be appearing as the slogan on the front of their manifesto.
Scotland’s easily as fucked as anywhere in Britain. In Edinburgh council bosses sacked seven staff by drawing their names from a cereal bowl. The workers who kept their jobs must have been delighted, until they were told their next job was to go and clean up seven human shits that had been left on the council building steps. There’s talk that we might introduce a 5p charge for carrier bags. It’s caused uproar here in Glasgow, what with it coming so soon after the hike in the price of glue.
Look at Rangers – skint, with no prospects, constantly living in fear that any day now the bailiffs will be kicking in their door. Finally, the club now knows what it’s like to be a fan. Things appear to be so bad that they’ll have to decide who kicks off at home matches by doing scissors, paper, stone. They’ve had some great players. Paul Gascoigne, of course, lured not just by the money but by the chance to live in the only place that would fail to put his horrific alcohol consumption into perspective.
The shame of a top British team being banned from Europe for insolvency – rather than the usual fan violence. It’s easy to say that Rangers and Celtic accomplish little when it comes to sectarian violence. That’s unfair. They’ve certainly provided a couple of top-class venues and some regular time slots. Ah, well, the good news for Rangers fans is that at least there’s another team in Glasgow that they can throw their support behind. After all, it’s all about football, right?