“On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me… five golden rings.”
“Devlin, wake up!”
Devlin jerked awake. He was still in the study. Warily he looked around. He could have sworn he heard his mother’s voice and it was just as shrill as he remembered. Shivering, he sat up and braced his arms on his legs. The fire crackled in the hearth, hissing softly.
“Are you going to dally all day? We’ve got places to be.” Skirts rustled across the carpet. Devlin turned slowly around. His eyes widened. “Mother?” he breathed, shocked.
“Who else?” she said, giving him one of her staple looks filled with disdain.
He rubbed his eyes. “This must be a nightmare.” He shook his head.
“You wish,” she scoffed.
Lowering his hands, he looked again. She was still there, wearing her best dress, the one he had her buried in. Except she didn’t look dead, no, she looked alive and well. His chest tightened. “Am I dead?”
“No, you aren’t dead.” She glided across the room.
He gulped. “Then why are you here?”
“To see you,” she said, like it was of no consequence.
“Why? Am I in trouble?”
“Aren’t you always in trouble?”
“Well, no,” he disagreed. “I’ve changed.”
“But have you changed enough?”
“I think so.” Had he though? He wasn’t sure suddenly, for why else would she be here.
“Not likely,” she said doubtfully.
“I don’t understand.”
“Come on and be quick about it. I have things to show you.”
He leaned further back into the cushions. “What kind of things.” Fear roiled inside of him and he suddenly felt like the helpless little boy he once was.
“Why your past,” she said, “obviously.” She rolled her eyes.
“Why do I need to visit my past?”
“So you may see your future more clearly.”
“I see things clearly now?”
“Do you?” She lifted her brow. “Hmm,” she said giving him one of her pointed looks. “Well, no matter. You’re still coming with me. Now stop dilly-dallying.”
“I do not want to.” He was whimpering, like he did when he was a child. That scared him more than she did. He sat up straighter, fighting against the terror that was seizing him.
“You always were a disagreeable child.” She let out an exaggerated sigh. “I see you haven’t changed much.”
“I have changed.” He sat even straighter. Something else seized him instead of fear….hope maybe? He wasn’t sure, but he was sure of one thing. There was no way he was going anywhere with her.
“I am a better person, now. No thanks to you, of course.” He stared at her, surprised his voice had come out so sure, so strong. He had never been strong around her. He had cowered, like a scared, little, beaten animal. But then again, the same animal that has been beat down, sometimes finds the strength to bite back. He tried to do the same now.
“See, that stubborn streak in you will be your undoing…just you wait and see.” She glided further into the room.
“I don’t think so, mother.” He stood up from the chair, taking a stand against his greatest fear. His fear of disappointing his mother, making her think less of him, but then again her opinion of him had never been very good no matter what he did. “I think the problem is and always has been you.”
“You think?” She smoothed her hands over her gown, her expression contemplative. “Perhaps,” she said in a matter of fact tone.
“Why do you hate me so?” He couldn’t help asking.
“I do not hate you, son.” Her face changed. The animosity, bitterness, even the disappointment that was always clearly etched on her face seemed to soften. “You remind me of him.” Her face took on a faraway look.
“Who is that?” he asked.
“I only wanted what was best for you, what you deserved. What he promised me.”
Devlin instantly knew whom she was speaking of…his father. “Mother, it is not my fault he left you.”
“Oh but it was,” she said. “If I had gotten rid of you like he wanted, he would have stayed with me. We could have been happy….” She trailed off.
“Well, I doubt that,” he said, surprised by his own candor.
She brought her gaze back to him, the softness he had seen now gone. “You are wrong. He promised me.”
“Mother, he used you and tossed you aside. That is what men do, some men…” he amended.
“And you are like him as well,” she said flatly.
“No, I might have been but I see things differently now. I want to love and be loved. I will not settle for anything less and neither should have you.”
“No one ever loved me.”
“You are wrong mother,” he said, his heart breaking for her all over again.
“Really?” she scoffed, clearly not believing him. “Tell me, Devlin, who loved me?”
“I did,” he said, he voice shaking with emotion. “I loved you. But you didn’t see me, you only saw him, and what you lost, never what you actually had.”
“What did I have?” she asked clearly perplexed.
“Me, mother…you had me…I loved you.”
She cocked her head strangely to the side, confusion in her eyes. “Why did you love me?”
“Because you are my mother, that’s why.”
“That doesn’t seem like a very good reason.”
“How is it not?” He lifted his hands in acquiescence. “You gave me life, without you I would not be here.”
“Well, that is true enough, I suppose.” She gave him a sad smile. “You know Devlin, even though I did not know how to show it very often, I always did love you.”
Her words nearly brought him to his knees. “You did?”
“ Yes,” she said, her image fading. “Perhaps there is hope for you yet.” And with that last avowal, his mother disappeared from his life once again.
“I love you, mother,” he choked, tears brimming in his eyes. Falling back into the chair, he covered his face. And for the first time, the boy he was, cried for the loss of a mother that loved him, after all.