School sucks. Mrs O’Hanlon forces us to play lame games like ‘school rules hangman’ and I look spastic because my uniform is too big. In Mr Kemptons English class we had to write 2 paragraphs about something that happened over the summer so I wrote about Mrs Smithson dying. I didn’t speak to anyone all day.
When I got home Mum asked if I was ill. She said ‘You’ll cheer up when you look in your room. Theres a surprise!’
On my bed was a telescope and the side of the box said ‘Thrill to the Magic of the Night Sky!’ She said Dad bought it for me to celebrate my first day at my new school and the telescope came with a star chart and I found Orion, Ursa Major and the bright star in the middle of Taurus. I spied on the Gemini constellation and The Pleiades, a cluster of 7 stars like this
I don’t know what my star chart means when it says ‘first magnitude’ and ‘variable star’ but some are brighter than others. I will call my telescope Arcturus, which is a red giant and was the first thing I spotted with my new present.
I was in bed when Dad knocked. I pretended to be asleep but he stayed at my door for ages and eventually I went ‘Thank you for my telescope’ and he said that because I’ve started big school now I am becoming part of a world that is strange and mysterious and that sometimes things will happen that I might not fully understand and he said that if I need to talk to him about anything I can but ‘maybe its best if you don’t talk to your mother about what you think you saw yesterday.’
I saw one of the bigger boys from Sinton Woods in the canteen, the one with the shaved head, so ate my sandwiches behind the Geography hut. The tomato made the bread go soggy. When I got home I found this note had come through the door for me in a sealed envelope
I’ve been doing some detecting. I asked my dad about The Old Mint House. He said it was used for photography classes about a year after the antique shop closed. This is why a red bulb was in the room and other things. I am sending this note because I didn’t want to knock for you in case your dad answered and shouted rude words at me again.
Are your parents getting a divorce? Flossie Benedict’s parents in 4C got divorced last year and she started throwing eggs at buses and telling people she smoked. How long has your dad been seeing that lady? Who is she? Did you get in trouble?
I haven’t told anyone about it. It’s our secret.
Julian.
The screaming started after Mum got a call from Mr Kempton and before Ryan pooed on my floor.
Mum mentioned my English story about Mrs Smithson at dinner. She said she told Mr Kempton I’d always had a ‘vivid imagination’ and that Dad won’t be buying me any more books on ghosts. She made an angry face at him across the table as she chopped up Ryans sausages and told me the noises in the night are just the water pipes.
After dinner I went upstairs and sat with Arcturus. It wasn’t dark enough for proper starspying so I peeked in a few houses and watched lights come on as the sky went purple, so windows looked like floating squares which disappeared when people in their pants pulled their curtains together. When I spotted two flashing torch lights heading to the bottom of Julians garden the sides of my head tingled.
I ran downstairs and asked Mum if I could go outside too but she said I had to do my homework. Dad was in the dining room muttering to himself. He doesn’t have a moustache anymore. I asked him ‘Can I go outside and see Julian? Mum said I had to ask you.’
He thought about it then went ‘I don’t see why not.’
I was halfway down the drive when Mum shouted ‘Going somewhere young man?’ and the torches went off at the bottom of Julians garden.
Mum also said ‘Your becoming rather sneaky’ and I went ‘ME???’ and Mum asked ‘What does that mean?’ and Dad was quiet behind her. I could hear Julian and Daniel creeping in the garden, trying to listen to what was going on. They weren’t very skill because I could hear twigs snapping.
Mum said that if I didn’t go inside that minute and do my homework she would take away my telescope and I said she couldn’t because it was Dad who bought it for me and Mum went something like ‘Dad and I do things together and if I say I’ll take away the telescope it means Dad will support me.’
Dad couldn’t look me in the eye as I stormed past him back into the house. Mum was saying that she didn’t know what happened to me in the last few days. She went, ‘First he climbs out his window and the next minute a teachers calling about him hearing dead people!’ and Dad said ‘You know what boys are like.’
‘What are boys like?’ I shouted at Dad. ‘WHAT ARE BOYS LIKE? I DID hear a ghost. And I saw one too. In The Old Mint. An UGLY BITCH GHOST!’
Dad shouted ‘That’s enough!’ and I ran upstairs.
At some point after that Dad must have told Mum the truth because there was sobbing, slammed doors and yelling, all of it by Mum. While it was going on I stared at blue Venus through Arcturus, even when something smashed downstairs. Then I remembered that Dad bought me the telescope to pretend nothing happened in the Old Mint House, but now everybody knows EVERYTHING, so I lifted it way above my head and hurled it to the floor. It broke into a million pieces.
Someone said my name. Ryan was sitting on my bed all confused so I went over and gave him a hug and he said ‘Mummy and Daddy fighting.’ We played with Lego for a bit and then that’s when I smelled the poo.
I bunked school today.
The camp was cold this morning and I had to ration my sandwiches like army men do. There were some blackberries left so I ate those and when I had to pee I did it into the bushes.
No matter how hard I thought I couldn’t work out why Dad was doing what he was doing with that woman at The Old Mint. I wondered if Mum had done something wrong or whether Ryan or I had. I decided that even when school ended I still wouldn’t leave the camp. When Mum and Dad realised I wasn’t ever coming home they would tell the police I was missing and Julians policeman dad would go round and tell them off for being such crappy parents. Maybe they would stop screaming at each other.
At half past 3 it started to rain and the raindrops hitting the ceiling of the camp were machineguns and the thunder was bombs. The water dripped through and the camp started to smell of slugs and the colours got squelchy. It was cold in my wet clothes.
At quarter to 5 there was the sound of someone pushing through the brambleweeds and then Julian popped in. He was wearing his black mackintosh and the hood was tight and squeezed his face so it was round like the Moon. ‘Your mums here’ he said. ‘She’s looking for you.’
I told him Mum found out about Dad because I dobbed him in.
Julian whispered ‘So its not a secret anymore is it, if your mum knows?’
Then there was crunching and rustling and Mum struggled into the camp. Her hair was running down her face and Julian went ‘Hello Mrs Marr’ and I thought she was going to be angry but she said I had to come home because I was really wet. Her lip wobbled.
Later Mum brought me some hot chocolate in bed and tried to talk to me about why I was ‘in the hedge’ in the rain but my head was all space and tunnels like at the beginning of Doctor Who. Theres no sign of Dad.
Still no sign of Dad.
Arcturus didn’t really break into a million pieces, but the lens inside is cracked. I had to mend it with selotape, so now when I look at the moon it has a black line down it and one half is the same as the other. I was trying to hunt for Betelgeuse when I realised I was crying.
Mum heard and came up with Ryan. Mum said things like ‘for the best’ and ‘no ones blaming you’ and ‘that skeletons such a grim thing to have in your room Lucas.’
She patted my leg and said something weird like ‘You’ve always been a brave boy. I thought so the moment I met you.’ Then she went ‘I mean the FIRST TIME I saw you as your OWN PERSON and not a helpless baby’ and something about a mother having to wait before ‘she truly sees her child’. She said something about how it was at a party at Julians house and when I went up to her I ‘introduced myself’ as a spaceman, all confident like a much older boy. Mums definitely cracking up.
I asked Mum if Dad was staying at Uncle Jeffreys house but this made her cry so I hugged her until she stopped. I think Dad has been fibbing about visiting Uncle Jeffrey.
There are only 6 ways to die in Cluedo and 3 of those are the same. Stabbed by a knife, thwacked with lead piping, strangled with rope, thwacked with a candlestick, shot with a revolver and thwacked with a spanner. No one is poisoned or pushed under a tractor.
Me and Ryan are staying at Granny and Granddads house for the weekend. We are to be on our best behaviour because Granddad has only just come back from hospital.
I like visiting Granny and Granddad. They are wiser than my parents because they don’t shout at each other and Granddad killed Nazis. The only problem is they don’t like much TV. Granny and Granddad have the television turned off for HOURS.
Mum collected Ryan in the evening and gave me a long hug before she left, like I wasn’t going to see her for ages, which is silly because I’m only staying here for the weekend. Granny and Granddad were extra nice when Mum went and Granddad and me did drawings of each other but when I suggested we give the drawings to Mum, to cheer her up, he just looked out the window and said ‘That’s a nice idea’.
Professor Plum did it in the ballroom with the lead piping and Granny won.
I only went out with Julian and Daniel after dinner because Granddad was sleeping and Granny was knitting.
When Daniel went into Candy Corner Julian asked if I had found out who Dad was kissing and I told him I haven’t seen Dad since Wednesday and that I think him and Mum are doing their shouting while I’m with Granny and Granddad. We ‘dropped the subject’ when Daniel walked out of Candy Corner with his pockets bulging. He showed us 7 packets of Jawbreakers, 3 Tic Tacs and a HubbaBubba. I noticed a big brown bruise on his hip when he pulled up his Tshirt to get the bubble gum.
‘It was well easy to nick them’ he boasted. ‘Theres an old woman in there.’
He turned to Julian and said ‘Your turn’ and searched Julians pockets for money. I wondered if Daniel had bought the sweets he said he nicked, because we never got to frisk him, but I guess he did nick them because buying 7 packets of Jawbreakers is pretty dumb. When Julian came out he was shaking. He said the old woman was suspicious but pulled out a pocketful of cola bottles and strawberry laces.
‘Those are well easy to get’ Daniel said when he saw Julians sweets. ‘The chocolate on the counter is the hardest stuff.’
‘YOU didn’t get any chocolate’ I pointed out.
I don’t think Daniel liked this because his top lip curled like a Cheesy Quaver. ‘Right Lucas, you have to get a Marathon. And a bottle of Panda Pop, the blue one.’
I walked into Candy Corner. Daniel had given me an impossible mission.
The woman behind the counter had thick glasses with black frames and her hair was grey and tied back and she was wearing a red jumper even though it wasn’t cold. She always says hello to Mum because she has a magazine reserved and we used to have a paper delivered until Dad argued with the paperboy. Being last on this nicking mission was a problem. 2 of us had already been in the shop and not bought anything so she was super suspicious and her wrinkly eyes followed me everywhere.
I came up with a plan.
‘I’ve come to collect a magazine for my mum’ I said, walking bravely to the counter.
‘Ah’ she said. ‘I think I know the one.’ When she ducked down to flick through the pile of magazines they keep for customers I quickly grabbed a Marathon and took a Panda Pop from the fridge and stuffed them in my pockets.
She stood up again, her face well beetrooty. ‘Sorry love I don’t think its here’ she said and I went ‘Don’t worry’ and walked out all cool before running as fast as I could.
We sat on a grave outside Mums church and ate our sweets then walked down a path to the church. The door opened and Daniel ran to the pulpit and went ‘Shall we turn Jesus upside down?’ He tried to pull Jesus off but Jesus was well nailed.
‘Give us a leg up’ Daniel said. Julian put his hands into a cradle so Daniel could stand on them and he climbed up and put one foot on the edge of the big font and unzipped his trousers and started peeing in the holy water. As Julian was holding up Daniel his sleeve slipped down and I noticed Julian had 2 friendship bands on his wrist. Then I looked at Daniel’s wrist. He was wearing a friendship bracelet EXACTLY the same as mine!
I didn’t know what to do so I ran out the church and started pulling some bark off a big tree in the graveyard. I couldn’t stop. Every time I snapped a piece off I imagined Daniel and Julian could feel it and I decided I would keep on going until the tree had no bark left. The wood underneath was pale and yellow and soon I’d made a big barkless patch. After a while I decided it would take too long to pull all the bark off and I got tired and anyway Julian and Daniel were chased out by the priest.
They were still laughing when we got back to the shops. Candy Corner had its big metal portcullis down.
We stopped outside Granny and Granddads house and I saw Granddad spying at the living room window. Daniel asked why I was staying here at the moment but I was ready for this and said that my bedrooms being painted.
Daniel looked at me with a sort of snakes smile. ‘Julian said it was because your dad was doing it with some prostitute.’
Julian stopped laughing.
Then Granddad came out and asked if I had a nice time with my friends but I was so angry I didn’t bother answering and I stormed inside. The door to the spare bedroom was closed and there was a large bag outside.
It was Mums.
In the lounge I was surprised to see Dad and not Mum sitting on an armchair. He looked older. I wondered if Dad watched lots of horrors this morning. He finished his tea and went ‘Aaahh, very nice Granny’ then said it was time for me to go home with him. Granny and Granddad were standing by the door looking at the carpet.
I asked where was Mum. Dad scratched behind his ear then went ‘Don’t worry, you’ll be able to visit her.’
I’m back home. Mums left with Ryan and they are staying with Granny and Granddad.
I know Dad drank a lot of beer last night because the bin was full of cans this morning. We ate fish and chips after school. When I told Dad he’s fucked everything up he looked at me sort of angry then said it was an ‘accurate postulation’. He didn’t even tell me off for swearing, so I must have done a REALLY accurate postulation.
Now he’s keeping me awake by singing ‘Love, love will tear us apart again’ downstairs and his singing is worse than Grannys and shes tone deaf.
I spied on THE BACKSTABBER and Daniel as they played wargames with Daniels sister. Their having more fun without me, and with a girl. I saw Daniel run up his garden with this wiggly rope in his hand. ‘It’s a snake!’ he yelled, dangling a slowworm in front of THE BACKSTABBER, who screamed like a fat spastic and ran to the other end.
Later, Daniel knocked on the wall and shouted ‘homo’. I don’t think he meant homo sapien and anyway when I’d been watching his sister being sat on by him and THE BACKSTABBER and water pistoled on the knickers I got a strange feeling and my willy went painful because all the skin got tight around the tip but later it went normal size again.
So I’m not a homo actually Daniel, you massive massive idiot.
The bigger boy with the shaved head has spotted me. He told everyone he was going to kung fu me after school.
To avoid him I hid in the library after period 5 and read 22 pages of a book called The Catcher in the Rye which is a rubbish book I think because its got lots of ‘goddam’ and ‘ya’ and ‘flunkin’ in it and its just people talking. No one was waiting to get me when I left.
When I got home, Dad wasn’t back from work so I took The Omen out of its fake book case. I still don’t know why Dad took a video with him to see his girlfriend.
The devil chopped someones head off by taking the handbrake off a lorry and he did a terrible thing to a vicar.
When Dad got back I pretended I’d been watching Art Attack.
Now that Dad has to do all the things Mum did, like washing clothes and cooking dinner, I bet he wishes he didn’t make her leave. He is rubbish at these things. Today he burned some chips and scraped them into the bin and called them ‘bastard chips’. Before I could escape upstairs Dad went ‘Wait. I’ve got something for you’ and grabbed a parcel from underneath the telephone table. It was wrapped in blue paper.
‘Open it’ he said. He was speaking slowly and his eyes were all red and droopy.
It was a Tshirt with a shuttle on it. The fire coming from the rocket boosters was whooshing off the landing bay and underneath it said ‘Apollo 11 1969.’ I think the Tshirt is well cool, but I didn’t say so. I said ‘Why am I with you and not Mum? Why haven’t YOU moved out?’
He was silent for a bit then sat at the bottom of the stairs. He has a circle on the top of his head which is like bits of dust and not hair. I hope I don’t go bald when I’m older.
Dad said Mum still loves me but that its easier for her to live with Granny and Granddad at the moment because Ryans young and needs Mum more.
‘Whats the name of that lady from The Old Mint?’ I asked. ‘Was she a prostitute?’
‘No’ he said firmly ‘she most certainly was not.’ He sighed and went on about how stupid them meeting in The Old Mint was and how when he saw me run out of that cabinet he’d never felt so awful in his whole life and how much he misses Mum and Ryan and feels sorry for me because I don’t deserve to lose them either. He said everything was ‘complicated.’
I told him it wasn’t complicated. It was simple. He shouldn’t have been a dickhead.
Dad shouted ‘Oh what the hell do you know? Your 11!’
Thats when I started to eat the Tshirt. Dad was horrified and tried to pull the Tshirt out my mouth but I wouldn’t let go and bit harder. I made sounds like a dog. Then I raced up to my bedroom and pushed the bed against the door so Dad couldn’t get in and I haven’t left all evening.
I had to wee in a cup.
I woke up about 15 minutes ago and heard voices downstairs and dragged my bed away from the door and crept out of my room to listen from the bend halfway down the stairs. Dad was talking to a woman at the front door.
‘You shouldn’t have come here’ he went and the woman said ‘I don’t have much to say. You’ll never see me again. Sorry for fucking things up for you.’ This was sarcasm, which is a tone of voice adults use when they aren’t being honest.
The rest of there conversation went a bit like this.
‘Jenny… we’ve been here before.’
‘I mean it. You’ll never see me again. I managed without you for 10 years. I’ll manage again. Look at the state of you… Your wasted.’
‘Shhh. Keep your voice down. You’ll wake Lucas.’
‘How is he?’
‘Like YOU give a shit.’
She went ‘Thats low, even for you.’
‘Yeah? Tell me how many times over the last 10 years Lucas has even crossed your mind?’
‘Don’t start. You know my reasons. You know…’
Then I trod on the creaky corner stair and they stopped. Dad turned and stared at me with horror on his face and the Jenny woman had walked into the hall and was standing behind him and her blonde or blond hair was down around her shoulders and she was thin and pale and was looking at me in a mega weird way as if she was struggling not to cry.
I screamed at her but I don’t remember what, even though it was only a few minutes ago. Dad told me to stop shouting and tried to come up the stairs but I started punching so he stepped back again to avoid my flying fists. ‘Calm down’ he was saying. ‘Calm down.’ There were black bags under his eyes. He turned to the Jenny woman and said ‘Get out of our house.’
I thought she was going to say something, or burst into tears, but she just spinned round and left. Dad closed the front door and leaned against it. There was the sound of a car zooming away.
I ran back upstairs and barricaded myself and am now writing in this diary. 2 facts keep hitting against each other in my head.
The Jenny woman said she’d managed without Dad for 10 years.
Mum has taken Ryan but not me away from Dad.
I just got up, turned the light on and looked into the mirror on my wardrobe. My hair is mega blonde or blond under the light.
And
I remembered something Mum said last Friday that I thought was weird and read back through the evidence in this diary. She said about the first time she met me and then, well embarrassed, told me a story about how mums don’t ‘see’ their children until a long time after their born. Apparently I introduced myself to her at Julians birthday party but why would I have introduced myself to my own mum? Unless
OH MY GOD
It WAS the first time she met me.
This is the most horrible thi