I’m now a wanted man.
And I’m glad River liked the cape because half the world is laughing at me. Assholes. The other half is going to the other extreme, saying that I’m some sort of miracle the world’s been waiting for. If I had a penny for every meme with my photo, I’d be a trillionaire.
They’re calling me Ultra Mega Nerd Boy because some idiot reporter caught my parents in the hospital garage and asked who my favorite superhero was. Mom said I was into that big chicken, and Dad said something about “that video game with the cape all the nerds love.”
Bingo. Ultra Mega Nerd Boy is born. Seriously? Do I look like a boy? If only I could show them my massive dick. Then who’ll be laughing?
Fine. Not me. Because River said she won’t go near it until she knows my sperm isn’t some uterus tornado that will bring down the roof of her baby barn.
At least she’s thinking about the future.
Or, she was before she found out I’m going to die any second now.
How is this happening? It’s like winning a Golden Ticket and then discovering the candy bar you just ate is a ticking time bomb. Hey, Huff! Your wildest dreams just came true! Congrats. Now, enjoy the last ten hours of your life.
“Can you please hurry up already!” I bark at the door from the waiting room of an undisclosed location—fine, it’s in Mexico. The company that agreed to help us demanded complete confidentiality in exchange for the formula—worth a lot of money, I’m sure. It’s a huge gamble because I don’t know what they’ll do with it, but eighteen of River’s sisters and twelve guys from the football team will have their hearts explode if we don’t do this. Oh, and we just discovered nine other dudes from the live-action role-playing group on campus all took the drug. Why? I’m guessing Keni was marketing to people who wanted to bulk up and could afford to pay.
As for me, my position remains unchanged. I would rather die than lift a hand toward River when the rage kicks in. And it will. I’ve already experienced it.
“Done! Here!” A woman in blue scrubs with a mask pops out the door and holds out a largish insulated tote.
“What do I do with it?”
“Don’t let it get too cold. The enzymes will break down. And make sure they all know to take the minimum dosage. One drop. Per day. By mouth. If they take more, they could die. It’s very strong.”
“Awesome. So tell a bunch of addicts to take less.”
“Just tell them. They have a three-month supply here, and we can’t make more after this. Not for a very long time.”
Oh no. “Why?”
“A key ingredient comes from the pituitary gland of the northern white rhino.”
“Oh. Come on! There are only, what, like a thousand of those left?”
“Two. Just two. Our sample came from a genetics lab in Brazil. We had to pull a lot of strings to get it.”
“Then how did that pencil-neck chemist sell his formula to college students?”
“He must’ve come up with a synthetic version, which wasn’t part of the formula he gave us.”
“Of course it wasn’t.” Why did I believe Morris would just hand over the entire formula for someone else to exploit?
“Thank you.” I grab the bag and go. I’d pay a visit to Morris, but the pain in my chest is getting worse. I know I’m almost out of time.