Chapter Seventeen

 

 

When Self Care Is Severing Ties

It was quiet but for the sound of glass and metal hitting the granite countertop in the kitchen. I glanced over at my sister from where I sat at the dining table, sorting through the mail that I had scooped up from the house before coming over to my parent’s empty home. My daddy was at the café and my mama had gone to Wisdom’s school for a PTA meeting.

With Toy also at the café, this would have been the perfect opportunity to enjoy the quiet of my own home with a relaxing bath and a glass of wine, but after five minutes of being in my bedroom, I knew I needed to get out of my house, and this was the first place that came to mind in terms of a getaway.

Tasha had arrived not long after I had, and I don't know what brought her over here since I hadn’t called her and she hadn’t been at the house when I stopped by. Either way, I was immensely grateful that she went straight to the kitchen and started pulling out ingredients for what looked like my favorite cookies. As soon as Tasha started cracking eggs into a bowl, the front door opened and in walked my baby boy followed by my mother. Wisdom hugged me to his side and dropped a quick kiss on my cheek before running off to the bathroom. Mama dropped her purse on the table next to me before propping her hands on her hips and eying me and my sister across the open space.

“Now, why are you two here in my kitchen instead of in your kitchen at your own house?”

Unable to explain how lonely I felt in my own house without sounding ridiculous, I said nothing.

“Tonya is depressed because she sent her husband away and has too much pride to tell him to come home now that she misses him, and I'm here making her cookies to cheer her up.”

I glared at Tasha’s back. Wow. Part of me was touched that my sister knew me so well, but Tasha hadn't said anything to me besides “Hey” when she came in. Yet here she was, throwing me under the bus. Trifling.

Warm fingers grasped my chin, and I looked up at my mama, trying not to burst into tears at the concern on her face. “Are you depressed, baby?”

With extreme effort, I tried to smile, sure that it looked like a grimace. “No.”

“Yes.”

Tasha didn’t even look my way as she spoke over me. So fucking trifling. Before I could curse her out, Wisdom came bounding back into the room and skidded to a halt at Tasha’s elbow, keeping a foot of space in between them.

“Can I help you, Auntie?”

She smiled at him. “Of course, get your gear.”

Opening up a drawer on the island, he removed a gallon-size plastic bag containing a folded apron, brimless cap, and a pair of reusable gloves, all gifted to him by Tasha. Once he was outfitted, he snapped to attention, opening cabinets under the island and pulling out the necessary bun pans and utensils.

My mama took a seat next to me, eyes roving my face intently and making me wish I’d put on a little bit of concealer so she wouldn’t be able to spot the dark circles under my eyes. “He still hasn't come home?”

I shook my head, eyes on the envelopes in front of me. It had been six weeks since Jereth left on a “break”, and he’d yet to darken my doorstep again.

She folded her arms on the table. “Has he at least called?”

“He calls me every day.” My face heated as memories of last night’s call flitted through my mind.

“He’s calling you every day, Tonya?”

The tone of her voice made me cut my eyes at her. She sounded like his constant phone calls were supposed to mean…something. As if phone calls could mean anything.

“Yes, Mama, but that’s not enough.”

With pursed lips, she shook her head. “It’s enough to show that he cares about you. The man is making an effort.”

“It’s not enough,” I repeated.

A heavy, exasperated sigh fell from my mother’s lips. “As soon as he comes back, the two of y’all need to enroll in some marriage counseling and quickly.”

I flinched, masking it by rolling my neck with a stretch, and grinned as I grabbed her hand and squeezed. “What do I need counseling for when I have you? You’re the smartest woman I know.”

She gave me a side-long glance but couldn’t hide her soft smile. “You need counseling because I’m tired of watching you make a right into a brick wall after telling you to go left. Maybe you’ll be more inclined to take the advice when you’re paying for it.” Pushing back from the table, she went into the kitchen, washed her hands and pulled on a pair of gloves, leaving me with my thoughts.

As she began to line baking sheets with parchment, I returned my gaze to the envelopes in front of me. Most of them were invoices for bills that auto-debited from my account, so I didn’t pay them any mind, tossing them to the side to be shred and added to my parent’s recycling bin. A dark blue envelope from the social security administration caught my eye, and I slid my letter opener along the seam curiously. My eyes scanned the letter quickly, words jumping out at me and causing my heart to thump anxiously.

Congratulations.

Latonya.

Jereth.

Maiden.

Married.

It was a reminder from the government to change my last name to Hawkins from Black before it was too late to do it online.

Although Jereth often called me Mrs. Hawkins, I hadn’t put much thought into changing my name, and he’d never pressured me into doing so. It hadn’t ever been a big deal but something about seeing this letter, this reminder of my less than perfect marriage, hit me hard in the chest.

Why would I change my name for a man who didn’t even consider me family?

That’s what I asked Danielle when I met with her two weeks later. That’s how far out she was booked when I decided my needs deserved an actual appointment instead of just half-hearted advice over lunch.

“You don’t.”

“Okay, so what do I do?”

Danielle raised her brows in surprise, staring at me from across her neatly organized desk.

“Are you asking me?”

I huffed. “Duh.”

Uncrossing her legs, she sat forward, tension ball rapidly inflating and deflating as she squeezed it constantly.

“Since you decided to make an appointment as a new client, I’m going to treat you as I would any other woman who walked into my office for the reasons you gave my secretary.” Her light brown eyes were intense, and I found myself swallowing audibly. “You know exactly why you’re here. You didn’t come to me for advice; you came to me for actions. You know what you want to do, and you know that I’m the person you see to do it. My only question for you is annulment or divorce?”

“Uh,” I rubbed at my neck, suddenly warm, “I can’t get an annulment, right? Because it’s been more than ninety days?”

“Tonya, you know that I don’t play games, and I definitely don’t waste time saying things I don’t mean. If I said the word, it applies.”

My mouth went dry. Did I want to annul my marriage? Did I want to say that everything we’d experienced over the past eight months was nothing? I shook my head, the very idea making my stomach churn. It was bad enough that I was here in the first place; filing an annulment would be too much.

“No. Jereth has been the man who told me he was from the beginning. The problem is that he never told me much at all. He said he was private and I stupidly thought that there were levels to his privacy that I would pass—by default—as his wife. A divorce is enough.”

Nodding, Danielle swung her chair over to her computer and began to type while asking me questions that were fairly easy to answer until she asked, “What’s the address that I’m sending this to? I’m assuming you’re not handing it to him directly.”

“I—” I paused, drawing a mental blank that made me freeze mid-sentence. Did I have an address for him? Had I ever seen his driver’s license or a piece of mail addressed to him? I know I’d never gone through with the background check but surely I’d—

A strangled cry burst from my throat as I realized that even after asking him to be more open and him pledging to do so, I still knew so little about Jereth.

“Oh, girl.” Danielle came around her desk and pulled me into a hug as she shoved tissues into my hand. I had no idea if it was common for her to comfort every woman who walked into her office but I was grateful for it all the same.

“I don’t know shit about him, D! Nothing. I don’t even have an address for him.”

To her credit, my cousin didn’t hit me with an “I told you so” although I surely deserved it. Instead, she nodded and returned to her computer, colorful acrylic nails plucking at the keys confidently. After a few minutes, she nodded.

“Got it.”

I stood to toss my used tissues into the wastepaper basket near the door.

“You did a background check that fast?”

She gave me a sympathetic look. “No, honey. I found his place of employment.”

My mouth fell open. “Really? How did you find that? Did you do some kind of reverse search with his phone number or a location search or something? That was so fast.”

Pursing her lips, she leveled me with a gaze that looked a lot like she was calling me a dumb bitch. “It’s on his social media. His page is private but his employment is public. I clicked on the company and the address was on their social media page.”

Damn. I was a dumb bitch. I’d never even considered going to social media.

“I—”

She shook her head, holding up a hand. “You don’t need to say anything. It’s not my job to judge you.”

“No,” I mumbled. “That’s your husband’s job.”

She laughed lightly. “Well, if Mr.,” she peered at the screen, “Real Estate Investor for Hawkins Realty goes quietly, you won’t have to see my husband in his work setting.”

Sighing, I shifted in my seat as something indescribable fluttered in the back of my brain. I was doing the right thing. Right?

“And, what if he doesn’t? Go quietly, that is.”

Danielle smirked. “You know the answer to that girl. Use your damn brain.”

I frowned. “Damn cousin. Is this how you treat the women who come to you for help? That’s fucked up.”

This time, it was Danielle who rolled her eyes. “No, actually. This is how I treat my cousin who I told to run a background check before her damn drive-through marriage was even filed with the state of Nevada.” She quirked a brow, waiting on my response.

“Whatever, D. I was blinded by love or something.”

She cackled loudly and even I couldn’t contain a little giggle.

“Girl, shut the fuck up. You had just met that man; ain’t no way you were in love with him.”

With a shrug of my shoulders, I conceded to her point. “True, but by the time we climbed on that plane, I was definitely in love with his dick. And his fingers. And his tongue. Whew, child!” I rubbed at my neck as the warmth I’d felt traveled south.

“That’s what’s wrong with you now. Got dickmatized and brought a whole scam artist into your home. I ought to fight you for endangering my baby Wisdom.”

Shaking my head, I looked down at my fingers, at the ring that Jereth had given me just before he’d ruined my life with top tier penetration. “He’s not a scam artist, D, and it wasn’t just the sex, though. There was something about him that made me feel like I’d been operating on auto-pilot—like I wasn’t living even though I was alive. Being with him woke me up, and not just my sex drive. He made me realize that while I was taking care of everyone else, I was neglecting myself and that I deserved to be taken care of, too.”

I looked up to find Danielle staring at me with a surprised look on her face.

“What?”

“Well…are you sure you want to file for divorce?”

My face folded into a frown. “Why would you ask me something like that?”

She gave me nothing but a quirked brow, and I sighed loudly, knowing that I was tripping. I’d hopped into my feelings in my defense of Jereth, and all it did was make me look like an even bigger fool.

“Yes, D, I still want to file for divorce and before you ask, it’s because—as corny as it sounds—in my awakening, I realized I deserved more than a half-assed love from the man I’d pledged myself to. It’s not as simple to me as running a background check or screening social media. I shouldn’t have to do any of that. I shouldn’t have to do all this running around behind a man to find out basic fucking information about him. All of that is Dating 101!”

She lifted her palms in surrender. “Okay.”

I employed a few deep breaths until I felt relaxed then plucked a heavy, engraved pen from a mug on her desk.

“Okay, where do I sign?”