Chapter Twenty-Five

 

 

When It's Not Over Until It's Over

It might have been a while, but I handled heartbreak really well. So well that people wouldn’t even know that I was dying inside as I handed them their dark roast coffees and freshly baked pastries. Not even my family could say that my misery had me off my game. My sisters knew what had happened with Jereth and though they might have been concerned, not once could they say “You’re letting it consume you”. No, I had too much going on to allow something like that to happen.

Besides, what good would it do? Failure was a normal part of life. I was old enough to understand that. I’d given something new a shot and, after putting my all into it, it hadn’t worked. Such is life, which continued to go on. Black Coffee still needed to be run, and Wisdom still had all of his extracurricular activities and—now that basketball season had ended—baseball. It would do me no good to mourn a man that I’d had for less time than I’d had Wisdom’s father. Those thoughts kept me afloat for the two days after I’d officially ended things with Jereth.

On the third day, my shell cracked.

I turned toward the register after filling a customer’s double insulated cup with a medium roast, house blend coffee, leaving the requested two inches of room for cream and almost spilling the scalding liquid on myself when a mahogany-skinned asshole stood in the customer’s spot. Instantly flustered, I searched for the customer and found him standing down on the other side of the beverage station at the hand-off counter. As much as I wanted to drag my feet, several people stood behind Jereth and I couldn’t make them wait just because I didn’t want to come face-to-face with my soon-to-be second ex-husband.

Gripping the sides of the register’s screen, I took a deep breath, trying to inhale some strength into my lungs.

“What would you like to drink this morning?”

“Good morning, beautiful.”

The rumble of his voice did funny things to my belly. It wasn’t so long ago that I’d felt that rumble as it was muffled by my nether lips as he whispered filthy things to me while he feasted on my soaked flesh.

“Jereth, your drink?” My plea was strained. I couldn’t keep up appearances if he was going to be here. His very presence was like a slap in the face, a constant reminder that—once again—I wasn’t good enough to keep a husband.

“What do you recommend?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know you well enough to make a suggestion.”

Regret flashed in his eyes and shot through my chest. I wasn’t trying to be slick at the mouth, I’d only meant that I didn’t know his preferred flavor profiles but ironically, the unintended barb was double-edged, cutting me on the way out.

“I’ll have a triple shot, café Vienne with extra whipped cream.”

My fingers flew across the screen of the register as I typed in his order, grateful for something else to focus on.

“Oh, hell no!” I heard Toy before I saw her and realized she must have returned from the back where she was grabbing another bag of whole coffee beans. She slammed the bag on the counter next to the brewers and stepped up beside me to stand in front of the second register.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Surprisingly, Jereth smiled at my brash sister. “Good morning, Latoya. I’m here to get a cup of coffee and let your sister know that I’m not giving up on us yet.”

Toya looked like she wanted to climb across the counter and claw Jereth’s eyes out. “Let me tell you something you big, bald bastard; I’ve been taking lessons with Black Girl, Magic Bullet, and I will most definitely put a couple of rounds in your ass if you don’t stop harassing my sister!”

“Oh my god! Libby, take the register!”

Frustrated, I called for the young college-aged girl who was working the pastry case the command to transition to the front so that I could drag my sister into the back without even a second glance at Jereth. Shoving her into the office, I slammed the door behind me.

“Have you lost your gotdamn mind?”

Still keyed up, Toy’s chest rose rapidly as she huffed. “Have you? That motherfucker waltzes in here, and you’re taking his fucking drink order?! Am I in the twilight zone?”

“Why are you so damn dramatic? This is a coffee shop, Toy. Our job is to take drink orders, and I can’t stop that just because someone I don’t want to see is the one ordering the coffee.”

“The hell you can’t!”

“Ugh!” Groaning, I pressed my hazelnut-scented thumbs into the corners of my eyes, wishing I could click my heels three times and disappear à la Dorothy in Oz. My sister’s venom for the man I was trying to get over was stressing me out.

“Toy, please just chill the fuck out. This shit is hard enough as it is without your added attitude. You can’t stand Jereth. I got it. You’ve made that very clear. Crystal, even. You’re unhappy with the way things ended between us. You weren’t happy with them happening in the beginning. Actually, you’ve been unhappy about the entirety of mine and Jereth’s relationship. I get it. I swear I do. And I appreciate your rage on my behalf, but you forgot one key element in this whole ordeal: this shit ain’t about Latoya and how she feels.”

She gawked at me, shock and anger contorting her face almost comically. “Wow, bitch. That’s how you’re gonna do your rider?”

“We not ridin’ out right now, Toy!”

“And why the fuck not?”

“Because I still fucking love him!” I screamed, tired of going back and forth with her, tired of having to explain why it wasn’t so easy to flush somebody out of my veins like a transfusion. “I still love him, and I need time to get over this shit without you being in the damn way, clouding my head with the fumes from your stankin’ ass attitude! I. Need. Time! Our shit was fast, but despite what you think, it was real and I can’t be done with him just ‘cause you say so!”

She stared at me, the anger in her eyes hot enough to set me on fire if I held a piece of kindling. “So, you just gone let him make a fool of you? Again.”

I frowned. “How is he making of fool of me?” This time, at least?

“He got you out there, serving his ass like you’re his maid or something.”

She was dead serious, but I couldn’t help but laugh. “Or, I was taking his order like I work in the service industry. The food-service industry.”

“You know what? Forget I said anything.” Rolling her eyes, she moved to open the door, completely ignoring that I was leaned against it.

“I don’t know why you’re so mad, in the first place. You’re the one who introduced me to him; if anything, all of this is your fault.”

“Oh, okay. Fuck you.”

She yanked at the door and stormed into the stock room, hitting my ankle in the process. Not that she seemed to care. The double doors were flapping back and forth from her quick exit and if I squinted, I might have seen a trail of smoke in her wake.

Pulling the office door closed behind me, I removed my apron and hung it on the hooks mounted along the wall to the left of the doors that led to the heart of Black Coffee. The interaction with Toy wasn’t just frustrating, it was draining. I had no idea what was going on with my sister for her to act a fool over something like this. It didn’t make any sense. She hadn’t even held a grudge this intense over Evan, and he had divorced me while I was pregnant with her nephew.

Reentering the back of the bar area, I noted that Toya had found her way to a register and was assisting customers before I skirted the counter to enter the lobby. The moment I stepped foot on the waxed, hardwood floor, Jereth’s presence accosted me. He sat at the table nearest the door to the back room, one ringed-adorned hand cradling a tiny, ceramic espresso cup stamped with the store’s logo as he sipped from it, the other hand resting on his left knee. His left ankle was perched on his right knee, showing off a pair of colorful socks that I would never have guessed were hiding under his well-worn, black jeans. The most jarring feature of all was his eyes, which were pinned on me. I had a feeling he’d been sitting this way since the moment I’d gone to the back with Toya.

Placing the cup on the round, wooden table, Jereth licked the little bit of whipped cream from his top lip and stood expectantly. As I moved in his direction, the hair on my arms raised as if he were a ball of static waiting to shock me. I passed him up without saying a word and exited the store through the side door that led to a wide patio in the back of the building that didn’t usually see any customers until the afternoon. With the sun beating down my back, I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at Jereth, waiting.

“I’ve decided that I’m not going to let you keep pushing me away.”

My face scrunched as my neck snapped back in disbelief and I dropped my hands to my hips. “Excuse me?!”

“You heard me.”

“I heard you but my hearing must be on the fritz because I know I ain’t hear what I think I just heard.”

He took one step toward me. “You love me and want to be with me, and although I love you want to be with you, I wasn’t doing a good job of making you see that. My brother’s girlfriend helped me to see that most of my relationship with you—the shitty parts—were a reaction of a past relationship that didn’t end the way I expected it to. I was unconsciously trying to protect myself from what an old girlfriend did to me by keeping you in a box. It was self-preservation and unintended on my end, but regardless, it was fucked up and you didn’t deserve that. Your self-preservation was to cut me off at the knees as soon as you realized that my behavior wasn’t changing fast enough for you—”

“Uh, your behavior wasn’t changing at all!”

“It was, but it was happening slowly. I hadn’t realized what my problem was yet but I didn’t get a chance to because…well, you know.”

I re-crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling a little raw. “Well, I’m not going to apologize for trying to protect myself. I learned early on that if I wait on a man to take care of me then I’ll be left out in the cold.”

He took another step. “See! That right there. You were acting based on past experiences. We both were. I can admit that while I was immediately enamored by you and knew you would be mine, part of why I proposed so quickly was because I once proposed to woman I loved after years of building a relationship only to be told that what we had was only a frivolous experience for her when her husband was away on business. I hadn’t known she was married.”

The weight of his confession made me drop into a chair, hands gripping the armrests tightly.

Oh, Jereth.

He shook his head, crouching down in front of me and grasping the backs of my calves.

“I felt like if I could just get the marriage part out of the way then everything else would be easy, and for me, it was. But in protecting myself, I hurt you and because I hurt you and couldn’t see how I wasn’t doing a good enough job of fixing the problem. The thing is I had every intention of fixing the problem. I meant what I told you the other day; we aren’t getting a divorce. You’re mine for life.”

I stared at him.

He stared back.

“So, you treated me like a side chick because some woman made you her hashtag side nigga Sunday?”

Throwing his head back, he burst out laughing, and oh my, how the sun glinted off of those golds in his mouth made me want to stick my tongue down his throat. Still chuckling he shook his head as he moved his hands from my calves to the backs of my knees.

“Shit, girl. I didn’t treat you like a damn side chick.”

Saying nothing, I pursed my lips.

“I was trying to protect you. Did you see how fast my mama brought her ass down here? That would have happened sooner!”

I didn’t say a word, just stared at him in disapproval.

He sighed. “Fine. Not mentioning you to my family was pure selfishness. I wanted to keep you to myself as long as possible. You know that already. My baby brother already knew about you before I even got to him the other day. Mama had already ran his ear down on the phone about how you cursed her out.”

I frowned. “Great, now they won’t like me and it’s all your fault. I wouldn’t have had to fuss at her—I didn’t curse your mother out, Jereth—if she hadn’t come at me with some nonsense behind you. She called herself protecting you too, and as a mother, I get it but she was misguided. You should have given her all of the facts before you sicced her on me.”

Strong hands slid up to my thighs, dancing along the skin that was exposed under the hem of my dress. “I didn’t sic her on you. There was no stopping her once she saw the divorce papers.”

The mention of the divorce stopped my ascent into space from the pressure of his fingers on me and brought me back to earth. Seeing the look on my face, Jereth squeezed my legs.

“We’re not getting a divorce, so you can call up Danielle and let her know to hang that shit up. Our issues are not irreconcilable. We just needed better communication.”

“And you needed to see the error of your ways,” I murmured.

He nodded. “We both needed to see the error of our ways.” He paused as I begrudgingly dipped my chin. “So, are we…okay?”

I hesitated, trying to figure out how to word the thoughts in my head. “We could be…if you’re willing to make an actual effort. If you’re ready to let me into your life. I don’t care about your so-called selfishness; I need to know everything and everybody.”

He was already nodding before I’d made it to the second sentence. “Done and done. I’ve had plenty of time to keep you to myself; I can share you with my family. That ain’t no problem.”

“Also,” I thought about something my mama had suggested to me shortly after Jereth had left, “I think we need to go to marriage counseling. If we want this to work, we need to work on it.”

Once again, he nodded immediately. “I agree.”

With no other stipulations, I sat there nervously gripping the armrests as I thought about the last thing I needed to share.

“Um…if we’re gonna do this, I need to make sure that there are no secrets between us. I need to be completely transparent.” I paused, expelling a slow breath. The thought of telling him about my rendezvous with Angelo had given me a sick sort of excitement while I was in the act and even though the event had been disappointing, imagining Jereth as jealous or even angry had felt satisfying enough to make the ordeal worth it. Now, though? I was terrified of his reaction. “I…went out with someone. After you left.”

His brows were furrowed like he didn’t understand what I was saying, but I knew better. He was processing this information.

“When?”

“Ah…a few weeks ago. Late June.”

He stared at me, those chestnut browns boring into my soul, glowing with an apprehension I hadn’t expected, unearthing a shame I hadn’t suffered even whilst walking out of Angelo’s with a cold and wet pussy.

“Who was it?”

Pursing my lips, I hesitated to answer him. He didn’t know Angelo so I didn’t see the point in telling him.

“Does it matter?”

“To me, it does.”

“Why?” I was stalling. I had no idea if Jereth was a fighter, and I didn’t want him to go after Angelo when I was the one who had said yes.

“Is it so wrong for me to want to know the name of the man who took my wife on a date? I think it’s a pretty reasonable question.” His voice was deceptively light, almost like it was no big deal.

My throat tightened. “We didn’t…um…we didn’t go on a date. Actually.” I couldn’t call the half an hour we’d spent at the pool hall a date.

Jereth’s eyes darkened with something that could pass for rage if I knew what to look for and he released my hands, standing and walking a few yards away from the table. “You fucked him.” It wasn’t a question, but I still shook my head, feeling bereft at the distance he’d put between us, at the flat tone his voice had taken on.

“No! Of course not!” My eyes fluttered closed. Shit! Why did I add that last part?

He stared at me, dark eyes searing into my soul. “Of course not? Are you sure? You don’t sound sure.”

I couldn’t understand why I was dragging this out. Had I lost control of my vocal cords? It was four simple words, they shouldn’t be so hard to say. Except, the look on his face made my gut twist with guilt. He looked so betrayed, and I hadn’t even told him what actually happened. Idly, I thought of all the years that men fucked around on their women just because they were on a “break”. That wasn’t even this situation. We weren’t on a break because—

Oh.

A light bulb clicked on inside my head. That’s right. We hadn’t been a break. He left me and I filed for a divorce. We were separated. Instantly, all feelings of guilt and shame shrank—they didn’t vanish but they became small enough that I managed to look Jereth in the eye. It wasn’t cheating because I thought I was on my way to being a free woman.

“He ate me out, Jereth. Had his fat tongue all inside this pussy like he was digging for gold.” Immediately, I covered my face with my hands, not in shame, but in embarrassment at how I’d described the act. It wasn’t even entirely accurate but I felt allowed to embellish. I would surely bring up this moment in counseling if Jereth didn’t decide to renege on our marriage because I opted for a revenge fuck.

Silent, Jereth stood still, except for the ticking at his cheek as he clenched and unclenched his jaw. Finally, he spoke.

“Did you come?”

My hands fell to my lap. “Uh… Huh?”

Just that fast, I was thrown off balance. I hadn’t expected a question like that. Not like I had experience in delivering this kind of news, but that wasn’t a normal follow-up question to what I’d admitted. Angelo’s name? Sure. Insistence that I fucked the nameless man? Definitely. Orgasm inquiries? Hell no!

“You heard me. Did. You. Come?”

Embarrassment at the answer made me catch an attitude. “You’re worried about the wrong thing, Jereth!”

He eyed me for a moment before a slick grin appeared on his handsome face. The sight of it brought heat to my belly and tension to my shoulders. “I beg to differ, Mrs. Hawkins. I have very good cause to be worried about whether or not someone managed to obtain something that belongs to me. Now, answer the question.”

My eyes slid closed, not wanting to see the triumph on his face when I did so.

“No. I didn’t.”

“You didn’t what?” His voice sounded closer but I didn’t dare open my eyes while he was making me specify what I meant.

“I didn’t come.”

“You didn’t come…when?”

“I didn’t come when Angelo ate me out.”

There was a brief pause. “Open your eyes, Tonya.”

At the lowly spoken directive, my lids flipped up and my gaze landed on Jereth who was once again crouched in front of me. His hands returned to my thighs, touching lightly.

“You know why that is, don’t you?”

I nodded, knowing exactly why.

“Tell me why.”

“Because you’ve ruined me for anyone else.”

His eyes flashed and a sinister grin allowed those golds to flash at me before, quicker than I could have imagined, he spread my legs, lifting each one over the arm of the chair until I was spread open for him.

“That’s right, baby.”

My ass slid to the edge of the seat and my eyes flew to the line of bushes behind him.

“Jereth! What are you doing?!” The sudden change in altitude startled me, and I couldn’t catch the scream before it tore out of my throat but I wasn’t afraid; I was startled.

Experience had shown me that he could bring me to an orgasm lickety-split—pun absolutely intended—but doing so outside of my family’s business, where men, women, and children were just on the other side of the wall getting hot chocolates and iced lattes, and anyone could walk around the corner and see us, made my heart race.

He didn’t answer me with his words. The way he bent his head under the hem of my skirt and slid the gusset of my panties to the side gave me the answer I was looking for. Any protest I’d mustered died a quick, painless death on my tongue the moment his nose brushed the curls at my apex.

Sucking in a shaky breath, I dug my fingers into his shoulders. “Jereth, stop. We can’t do this here.” For all the good it did me, I might as well have said nothing at all.

With precision only a man like Jereth could achieve, his lips parted my folds and his tongue lapped at the slickness that had formed the moment my eyes met his over the monitor of the register. When he slid the middle finger of one hand inside of me and two fingers of the other into my mouth before sucking my exposed clit into his mouth, I shuddered in that chair, coming apart at the seams in under three minutes.

Like a gentleman, he righted my panties and dress and stood in front of me as a human shield as he waited for my aftershocks to pass. When I tapped him on the shoulder to let him know that I was good, he turned and pulled me out of the chair and into a passionate kiss. I could taste my own muskiness on his mouth and after seeing him suck my essence off of his finger, I kissed him harder.

We broke apart, and he rested his forehead on mine, staring into my eyes.

“Never again give another nigga an opportunity to taste what’s mine.”

I nodded, rightly chastised and suddenly dumbfounded as a weight lifted off of my heart. Was this for real? Were we actually going to make this marriage last?

He kissed me again before grabbing my hand and leading me back into the coffee shop where I finished out my shift and he played checkers with my daddy and uncles.