Now that I’ve walked you through my various and sundry celebrity run-ins, I would like to give you some handy and helpful tips on how to deal with a celebrity run-in of your own. At some point in your life, no matter who you are, you will run into a Kardashian.
That’s just science. Let’s use their family and extended family—children, husbands, lovers, men who may or may not have the Kardashian curse, someone who is Kim-like or Khloé-ish, whoever is Scott Disick–esque in your world—as an example. The following are guidelines for such an encounter.
CONSIDER YOUR SURROUNDINGS
You see Kourtney, but she’s eating. Which she doesn’t, so that’s not a good example. Let’s go with Rob. He’s almost certainly going to be eating. I know that when I’m midbite, and somebody approaches with “I never do this…,” it’s picture time. But Rob should be allowed to finish eating, because otherwise you might lose a good finger. Nevertheless, it’s trickier to have a quality encounter when the celebrity is eating. A Kardashian walking down the street is a better scenario because it’s public, and you’re probably the tenth person who’s approached them that day, anyway. If you see Kourtney shopping, just know you’re bothering her doing what she considers her full-time job, so be considerate.
DON’T STARE
You’ll be tempted. It’s a Kardashian, or somebody Kardashian-adjacent. They’re beautiful. You’re going to want to look them right in the face, or faces, as seems to be the case with young Kylie. We may reach a point in surgical technology where their faces or at least their lips start to morph right in front of you. But try to avoid this. I have a look-and-blink-away system. Or should that be Look-and-Blink-Away System, since I plan on trademarking it. It involves a quick glance and then a blink with a head pivot to the left, as if you have something more important to look at, even though you have nothing more important to look at. This move should be quick and decisive. Practice it at home with one of your pets, although your pet may think you’ve gone mad.
PICTURE VERSUS MENTAL PICTURE?
We live in a world where the phone is already out, and mental capabilities are way, way down. We live in a camera-first, communication-second society. No coven exemplifies this more than the United Church of Kardashian. Luckily for you, one of them will be Snapchatting before you even approach them. In fact, Kim will have already Snapchatted Candle to tell her that a stranger is approaching and that all smartphones should be on a high-filter alert. (Although for the Kardashians, the compound word smartphone might be a contradiction. They probably call them fame devices.) So they’ll be ready for you, and you may not even have to ask for a photo. Look for a Kardashian to already be posing: duck face, skin-case light bar on, heavenward glance. That’s the sign to get the photo.
DO I SAY ANYTHING?
It’s happened. There they are, Northwest and Saint, right in front of you. You’ll want to gush. They have been on your bucket list for days. And here they are, trippin’ in Daddy’s clown-sized Yeezys, rockin’ Auntie Kylie’s matte liquid lipstick and lip liner, and Rob’s Fuck Off socks. (No, seriously, he sells socks that say FUCK on one, and OFF on the other.) What do you do? You’ll want to gush. Or you’ll see Blac Chyna and want to yell, “Blac! Chyna!” which will sound racist. Now is not the time to panic. In fact, I’ve never met a celebrity who does not respond to the opening line, “Congratulations.” Try it. It takes four seconds for them to come up with the reason they’re being congratulated, and they’re instantly in a good mood. Saint will be smiling because he’s just made his first doody in a toilet, and Northwest will have just shot her first Forbes cover. If it’s Khloé, she’ll assume you mean the solid ratings for her new children’s show, Khloé Kan’t Kount, or as the kids call it, KKK. So keep that in your pocket, saying, “Congratulations.” They’ll instinctively say, “Thank you,” and pow, you’re in the middle of a typical showbiz conversation.
EXIT STRATEGY
The last thing you want is for your hero Caitlyn to think you’re a weirdo, so how you end the encounter is extremely important. Don’t goose them. (Caitlyn will pick you up and throw you like a javelin.) Don’t pretend you’re suddenly best friends and invite them to lunch (especially Rob). The best thing to do, after you’ve secured your photo or hug or post-“Congratulations” thank-you, is to smile and walk away. Maybe a passing “I love your new line, Mason.” With that simple blind affirmation, you will be able to exit this encounter smoothly, knowing in your heart that you’ve successfully nourished their egos and given them a reason to live.
There’s really only one rule to any celebrity run-in you have: don’t follow my example. Have you learned nothing from this book? I screwed up most of the time. My mistakes are there to educate you as you go about your lives, knowing that statistics dictate you’ll run into 2.73 Kardashians a year. (That number will grow.) Do as I say, not as I do. Celebrities everywhere will thank you.