ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS BOOK THE PUBLISHER THOUGHT WERE INAPPROPRIATE

Kathy Griffin’s Celebrity Fuckfest

Official Book Club Erection

Kathy Griffin’s Pulitzer Prize–Winning Book

What Are You Lookin’ At?

I Know You Are, But What Am I?

The Bible

Killing Bill O’Reilly

The Girl Pulling the Train

A Queef History of Time

The Fart of the Deal

Poop: Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Made Easy

All these suggestions were far too cerebral for the editors at Flatiron Books, their parent company, Macmillan, and all that they represent.