• AN OPEN APOLOGY FROM KATHY GRIFFIN •
Dear Reader:
I’m afraid this section is not for you.
Love and best wishes,
Dear Celebrities Who Are Pissed Off They Are Not in This Book but Won’t Admit It:
It’s a brutal business. It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that I’m no longer IN love with you. I still want to be friends. We loved your reading but decided to go with someone younger and thinner, or crazier. Maybe you’re not in this book because you’re famous but a little boring. Have you ever thought about that? You might want to up your game. I’ll be taking meetings for the follow-up over the next few months. Please schedule with my office. Know that my entire staff is LGBTQIA2. (And let’s be honest, the 2s can be moody. Take that into consideration.)
I’ll need a cover letter, portfolio, and sperm sample. I expect you to be off book and wait for “Action.” Nudity is accepted.
Men, a word about the casting couch: this simple and time-tried audition process has really gotten a bad rap. Not if but when Drake begs to be considered for the sequel to this book, I suggest he make his best pitch wearing only a carefully placed sock.
Ladies, good news: I can be bought lock, stock, and barrel. Again, not if but when Rihanna pleads to be in the next installment, I think a G6 to the Bahamas for some gal time and R&R should do the trick. By R&R, I mean “Rihanna Rewards.”
You’ll notice this wasn’t an apology. I don’t do that. Suck it up, people. That’s why you love me, remember?
Love and best wishes,