Q: Where does the word celebrity come from?
A: It comes from the Roman word celebritas, which first appeared in the ancient text MaximUS Weekly.
Q: You describe these experiences as run-ins. Have you ever literally run into a celebrity?
A: I’ve never actually collided physically with Justin Bieber, but he knows I’m interested in sitting on his face.
Q: Is there a celebrity you haven’t met yet that you’d like to?
A: Former president Jimmy Carter. I think he’s afraid I’m going to ask to sit on his face, which I would never do because I love and worship him.
Q: If you could be any celebrity for a day, who would it be?
A: Justin Bieber, the day Kathy Griffin sits on his face, which is admittedly a way of saying I want to have sex with myself. Actually, I’ve always wondered what it would have been like to be Ryan Seacrest before he passed away tragically at the hands of Oprah Winfrey. If he’s still alive as of publication, then I rescind this.
Q: The encounters in this book come with names attached. Tell us a celebrity run-in where you’re afraid to name who it is.
A: I’m almost positive a certain beloved daytime talk show host once had me kicked out of the backstage dressing room at the Emmy Awards. I can’t prove it, but this person, who has short blond hair, has a mean streak that all of Hollywood knows about.
Q: Most of the arts are covered here, plus news, sports, and politics. You don’t have any names from religion, though. Are you just not meeting enough priests?
A: I’m sure not. I will certainly troll some Catholic day care centers for the sequel to this book. That’s where the priests are.
Q: Will people be surprised to learn that you slept with O. J. Simpson?
A: Um, we cut that story, remember?
Q: Oh yeah. Sorry. Whose run-in was just too boring to be included in this book?
A: I met that dude from Hamilton, Lin Carmen Miranda or whatever. What’s the big fuss? I saw the play, by the way, and it turns out Hamilton isn’t even alive anymore.
Q: Lauren Bacall once said, “Stardom isn’t a profession; it’s an accident.” Do you agree?
A: The only accident I’m aware of is the one my beloved mother might have in her diaper after she reads this book. I may be strapping on a diaper myself soon.
Q: When somebody famous becomes even more famous after you meet him or her, do you see a connection?
A: Clearly. Thank God somebody finally brought that up. Let’s face it, Aaron Paul is one, if you bothered to read this book. But also, I’m willing to take credit for Facebook. When I met Mark Zuckerberg, he was four hours old. I was visiting a friend in the hospital and peeked through the glass where they keep the newborns, our eyes locked, and I whispered, “Facebook.” I’m still waiting for my check.
Q: What about if they die after you meet them?
A: Talk to my lawyer.
Q: What would a world without celebrities look like?
A: Your family.
Q: Why isn’t your dog Larry in this book?
A: He’s a little overweight, and as you’ve learned from this book, in the celebrity world, that gets you exiled faster than a DUI, a domestic, or first-degree murder, which no forward-thinking celebrity would ever do anyway.
Q: Did the A-to-Z format prove difficult? What letters did you struggle with?
A: All I can say is, thank God Christina Aguilera has also been called Xtina. X was a bitch. So was Xtina early on, but you’ll have to read the entry to find out why. Q was tough, until I realized Richard Quest has many, how shall I say this, layers?
Q: Do you own a selfie stick?
A: There are four in my gift closet right now. I learn martial arts with them, because I see it as a self-defense weapon. If I see that self-righteous, übergloomy Lorde running at me with her smoky eyes and dark aura, I can fight her off with it. And then, of course, get a picture.
Q: Oscar Wilde famously said there was only one thing worse than being talked about, and that was not being talked about. Is that one way the people you write about should think about this book?
A: First off, I thought Olivia Wilde said that. (I just love her fashion sense.) But yes, celebrities in this book who might be upset should get a grip and realize that the minute they aren’t the subject of other people’s stories, they should worry. Are you sure it wasn’t acclaimed child thespian and H. R. Pufnstuf star Jack Wild who said that?
Q: If Oprah had a celebrity run-ins book, would you make the cut?
A: The only celebrity Oprah runs into has a name that rhymes with Dayle Ding. And where Oprah runs is into her arms. I don’t judge.
Q: Which entry was the hardest to write about?
A: In all seriousness, I’ve never told my Night Stalker story before. He is not a celebrity in any positive way, but that case was so well known, and my participation in it is something that has been nothing but an embarrassment up till now. When I say I was glad to get out of that one alive, I mean it.
Q: Who didn’t make the cut who should be grateful?
A: Neil Patrick Harris.
Q: Is it better to run into a celebrity at a swanky gala event or out and about during the day?
A: Swanky gala, for sure. Because they have nowhere to run. The women will be in high heels and uncomfortable dresses. Not optimal escape attire. As for the men, even if they have bodyguards, it’s unbecoming to openly tackle a five-foot-three, 110-pound redhead who is gesticulating wildly and is drop-dead gorgeous.
Q: Have you ever met Kathy Griffin? I mean, really, really met Kathy Griffin?
A: You know what? I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me.