XXX ADULT STAR JEREMY, RON

Human Plow, Dear, Dear Friend

I first met porn legend Ron Jeremy in the ’90s on a public access show called Colin’s Sleazy Friends, which featured a comedian (Colin Malone) interviewing porn stars, with the occasional comedian guest on hand, too. (Margaret Cho and Janeane Garofalo appeared on it.) During my appearance, I tried to change Ron’s mind about his entire industry—which I refuse to believe is an “elective” one for the women involved—and it obviously didn’t work. Ron probably had a shoot later that day, for all I know. I was tough on him. Tougher than any vagina had ever been.

I said things like, “So, how many times have you had to stop filming because one of your female costars, who is probably an incest survivor with a tragic childhood beyond anything you can imagine, you filthy pig, has broken down into tears and couldn’t stop crying? A lot, I’ll bet. I’ll bet that happens a lot, doesn’t it, Ron? But you don’t think about that part. These young women are human beings. You will never convince me that these women have won in life in any way or that they make more than their male counterparts and therefore they are the ones in charge.” Once again, I was behaving perfectly appropriately for a comically driven public-access talk show.

I noticed Ron had to catch his breath in that “we’ve got a live one here” way. But the way he bit back at my criticism told me that Ron is at heart a frustrated comedian, even if he tells the hokiest, Henny Youngman–like one-liners and does his own rim shots. Trust me, Ron has at least twenty of these rim shot jokes he can insert here. Oh God, he probably has twenty more “insert” jokes as well.

The point is he loves the funny, he’s very nice, and because of that, believe it or not, we hit it off. We’ve hung out many times since and have appeared in a Foo Fighters video together, and I’ve always enjoyed his company. And let me just add, while it’s hard to believe any woman ever let him and his penis near her, Ron remains maybe the most recognized celebrity I’ve ever appeared with in public. Everybody knows him.

Except my dad.

One year, I put out the word to friends that I was hosting an orphan Thanksgiving, and Ron said he’d love to come over. He brought one of his lady friends from “work,” who sported emo makeup, a biker jacket, and a vibe that told me voting was a very recently acquired right. He also brought Dennis Hof, the bald bordello mogul from HBO’s Cathouse. (He’s the one who recently had to deal with Lamar Odom in a way Khloé Kardashian never has.) It was a real mix of civilians and celebrities, which I like, even if Ron was pushing it with his plus ones.

At a certain point, the gregarious John Griffin was carving off a piece of turkey when I said, “Dad, this is my friend Ron.”

My father innocently said, “Ron, what line of work are you in?”

Ron said, “I do films.”

Dad replied, “That’s terrific. How long have you been doing films?”

Ron said, “As a matter of fact, I’ve done over two thousand films.”

My dad gave back a “Good for you. That’s quite an impressive body of work in a very competitive industry. Have you ever attended one of those large film festivals such as Cannes or Sundance?”

Ron really knew how to play this game. “Oh yes, Mr. Griffin. I have attended several film festivals.”

And then I pivoted and just turned to another guest, and ’til the day my father died, he thought Ron was my friend in the film industry, which, by the way, is true.