THE ABSOLUTION
The night is no longer so dark when I get back onto the hall. I shouldn’t be surprised to see Vanessa and Piper waiting for me, but I am. Vanessa’s lovely face is wrecked from crying, her nose and eyes swollen and red. Piper looks upset but in control. When they see me emerge from the stairwell, the two of them move, uninvited, to my side.
There is crime scene tape across my door, but no cops stand guard. I rip it down and enter. They follow me in, close the door behind them.
“Where have you been? We...we were worried.” Vanessa’s voice breaks, and I have to fight the urge to say, Stop putting me on.
“You weren’t worried about me.”
“Yes, we were,” Piper says. “Vanessa?”
Vanessa is wringing her hands. “Ash, I need to apologize. I’ve handled everything so terribly. If I had any idea how today would end up, I wouldn’t have been so mean to you. I wouldn’t have gone along with Camille. Your parents... I’m sorry. For everything. I was a total bitch.”
“Ditto,” Piper says.
“If you’re trying to get me to talk, I don’t know what happened,” I say, collapsing on the sofa. “Being nice now won’t change anything. She’ll still be dead, and I’ll still not know anything about why. And what do you mean, gone along with Camille?”
Piper blurts the truth. “She’s been spying on you for weeks now. She watched you input your computer password, memorized it, and used it to get into your system. She found the article about your father.”
Now they have my full attention. “What? Camille? She’s been in my computer?”
“She’s been in everything. After she saw the report, her father did a background check. That’s how she found out your real name.”
I close my eyes, trying to rein in the panic. You underestimate people, you always have. It’s your biggest weakness, assuming people don’t lie as well as you. And then, This is fine. Everything is backstopped. You are fine, if they knew anything, you wouldn’t be having this conversation.
“Everyone knows,” Vanessa says. “About how your parents died. About your brother, too. Camille made sure.”
Johnny. Oh, my God. Stay fucking calm.
“Everyone?”
“Yes. Becca, too. I know you think she’s your special friend, but she’s been aware of this from day one.”
“You’re lying,” I say, trying hard to look bored. “Whatever.”
Vanessa raises a brow. “I’m not.”
“You are. Becca would have bounced Camille out on her ear for Honor Code violations. I know we are all guilty of bending the rules, but breaking into my computer is beyond the pale.”
Piper shrugs. “Everyone has a price, Ash. And everyone can be compromised. A lot of things at this school go through Becca.” She pinches her thumb and forefinger together, mimicking puffing on a joint.
I’m not entirely surprised to hear Becca is bringing drugs into the school. Tonight, she gave me Ecstasy and vodka, and this morning, the cigarettes. I’ve smelled pot on several occasions. Rumi must be supplying her.
Camille hadn’t been kidding when she said Becca was using me. “Great. Just fucking great.”
“The police have asked to speak with us. Do you know why?” Vanessa asks.
“I’d think that’s blatantly obvious.”
Vanessa shakes her head.
“Camille’s abortion, for one. I assume they think you know who got her pregnant. I certainly don’t, though they asked me enough.”
The two exchange worried glances.
“You do know who she was sleeping with, don’t you? You have to tell them. Maybe it will help them figure out what happened. Why she jumped. I didn’t realize she was suicidal. I know we weren’t close, but I think I’d see that, at least.”
“They think she jumped?”
“Don’t you?”
“Well, sure,” Vanessa says. “But you’re right, she didn’t really seem that depressed or anything. We did think... I mean, only for a second, we know you wouldn’t have, but—”
“Me? You think I hurt Camille? You’re insane, Vanessa”
“Like I said, it was only for a fraction of a second. Camille’s been making you out to be pretty awful. Everyone was saying that you might have found out and confronted her.”
“Everyone? Well, you can tell everyone to relax. I wasn’t anywhere near Camille tonight.”
“You were both gone...and the room looked like a big fight had happened. We heard yelling,” Piper says, haltingly.
Camille had gone to her summons, I’d been kidnapped for the tap. Naturally, they’d think we were off together since we were gone at the same time.
“Do you know who gave the summons?”
Vanessa shakes her head. “No one does. At least, no one will admit it. I’m sure they’ll ask our waitron, but it’s not like she’ll know. Summons are usually dropped off in the middle of the night. That’s how it stays anonymous. Do you think she got tapped? I heard there was a tap tonight.”
“I seriously doubt she was tapped.”
Awe dawns on their faces. “You were, though. You got tapped. Oh, my God. Congratulations, Ash. That’s a really big deal.” Vanessa’s tone chills a bit. She shifts, and her hands tighten into little fists.
“No comment.”
“Wait until everyone finds out.” Piper’s eyes are shining. For half a moment, I think she is actually happy for me. She has no idea what I’ve been through tonight, nor what I fear is to come.
“There’s nothing to find out.”
“Right. Our lips are sealed, aren’t they, Pipes?” Vanessa’s feral grin tells me the whole school will know by morning. “Oh, how did you find out about it? Camille’s abortion, I mean.”
“I didn’t. The cops asked. They knew, but I don’t know how. Probably her journal. I knew you were up to something that night, but I’m not a busybody.”
“Point taken.” Vanessa plops onto the sofa next to me, Piper sits on the floor. They’re settling in. What the hell is this?
“So, who was the father?” I ask.
“If we tell you, you can’t tell. I mean it, Ash. It has to stay between us.”
I sigh. “Then don’t tell me. I can’t say the police won’t talk to me again, and I won’t lie to them. But if you know anything, you should go to Dean Westhaven and tell her. Give her some peace. She’s having a terrible night.”
Another worried glance bounces between them. What do they know?
“We can’t. No way.”
“Then I can’t help you, and I don’t want to know.”
The silence bleeds around us. In the distance, I can hear people outside attending to the remnants of Camille’s nosedive. A hose, spraying water full force.
“Is it true you found your parents dead? Was it awful?” Piper finally asks.
“Yes, I did. And yes, it was awful. If you’re here to be ghoulish, I have nothing more for you. Please, go to bed. Leave me alone.”
They look stricken but stand. “I really am sorry, Ash,” Vanessa says. “We promise to make it up to you.” Vanessa looks like she’s going to reach in for a hug but I am done with these girls and their constant mood swings.
I reach for the blanket on the back of the sofa. “Turn off the light as you go, won’t you?”
They do, silent as the grave.
I have my laptop open the second the door closes. Check everything public Camille might have gotten into. I see her footprints easily now that I know what to look for—times I wasn’t in my room or online. The penetration is relatively benign. Most of what I find are Google searches for the name Ashlyn Carr and Oxford, England.
I normally resist falling prey to the egotistical urge to Google my life but out of morbid curiosity, I click on the links. It will help to know what has been discovered.
The obituaries pop up immediately. My throat tightens. There are hits on profiles of Damien, and on the third page, a reference to Johnny. Damien Carr’s Lost Son.
I don’t read it. I already know what it says. Know the photo is from the funeral.
The black clothes, somber and mothball scented, lifted from trunks in attics. The thick black veil on Mother’s fascinator, the grim look in Father’s eyes.
The small girl, blond, blue-eyed, looking utterly terrorized. Burying her brother, her companion, her bosom friend.
Johnny’s death isn’t a secret that will be problematic to explain.
I breathe a little easier. Camille didn’t make it past my fire walls into the private settings.
Regardless, I enter this forbidden space now and, with only a moment’s hesitation, wipe everything from the computer.
I can’t run the risk of someone else finding my secrets.
I lie quietly in the gray predawn light, praying for sleep. I itch. I am heartsick. The night has been too intense, too strange, too scary. Too many swings between high and low. A dog barks. A girl cries. The wind blows, rustling the leaves on the ivy outside my window. I am back on the edge of the lake, the lily pads so green and white, the sky so blue. Everything is sharper in memory, not dulled.
I want peace.
I want oblivion.
It is not forthcoming.