THE NOTE
Becca, annoyed as hell, furious, embarrassed, hurt—oh, God, the look in Ash’s eyes when she pushed her away was horrifying, the pain, the confusion, the realization, the rejection—storms back to her room in the attics. Initiation night is supposed to be a huge party and now it’s ruined, everything is ruined. Her life is ruined.
She had no choice. She had to rebuff Ash’s advance. What was she supposed to do, allow herself to be outed in front of the Ivy Bound sisters? It would be all over the school in a heartbeat and fed back to her mother by the dean, and her mother would pull her ass out of school and call her an aberration, the sanctimonious, hypocritical bitch.
Becca tried to feel her mother out last summer, after the video incident, when things had calmed down and Ellen wasn’t quite so angry. Becca mentioned a friend of hers who’d come out as gay, and Ellen Curtis had practically vomited her pinot gris over the edge of the balcony of their Watergate West apartment.
That made it abundantly clear, there was no way in hell Becca could admit that she, too, didn’t see herself married with two point three kids and a dog—at least, not to a man. It broke her heart that she couldn’t be honest with her mother, that she hid the truth from the one person who used to matter so much to her.
She’d acted out instead. Ellen dragged her to a shrink, and Becca was wise enough to keep her mouth shut there, too. Instead, she told stories from her childhood, things she’d done, ways she’d lost her temper, and the doctor compliantly gave her drugs and a few different diagnoses that fit the symptoms she described to a tee.
Becca is fine. She has no mental deficiencies. She is simply a girl in love, and now...
She thought Ash was different. The way she watched, the way her eyes lit up. The way she’d kissed her tonight, freely, happily. And Becca attacked her. She miscalculated and ruined everything.
How could Ash ever forgive her? How can she ever face her again after this? She’d panicked. Would Ash forgive her for that, at least?
She turns up the stereo, throws herself on her bed, and starts to cry. The sobs come from deep inside her soul. She thought things would be different this year. That she wouldn’t feel so alone. That she could finally be herself. It’s not like the girls here would hold it against her, not really. But she is head girl. She feels some sort of responsibility to be everything that’s expected of her.
She would have thrown it all away for Ash. She’d hardly hazed her, had protected her every step of the way. She warned her when the school started talking about her parents, and again today when the headlines started to blare Ash’s own terrible news.
And when faced with the opportunity tonight to show everyone her strength, her leadership, how good she really is, Becca had squandered it, and ruined everything to boot.
Drained, Becca finally flips over and feels something crinkling beneath her. There is a package on her bed, wrapped in tissue paper. She unfolds it to find a bloodred scarf. It’s lovely, thick silk. She winds it around her neck, withdraws the piece of paper, reads it, and bursts into fresh tears.
B—
Can we talk? All of this craziness with the Swallows and Camille and the news from home, I just need a friend. And some privacy. Meet me in front of the gates tonight. Midnight. I have something I want to show you.
Love,
A
This was clearly left behind before the initiation. A gift. A promise.
Oh, yes, my little Ash. I knew I had you. And now I’ve lost you.
Would she still come? Why would she? Becca has just humiliated her in front of Ivy Bound, cast her down, kicked her out. Ash would be well within her rights to tell her to drop dead.
It is almost midnight now. She shuts off her light, goes to the window.
Is it her imagination, or is there a shadow out by the gates?
Is Ash there, waiting for her, after all?
She sees the flick of hair and the glowing tip of a cigarette. Someone is out there, wearing a gown that blends in with the night perfectly.
Her heart soars. After everything, Ash is still willing to talk to her.
Becca has to go, go now. She has to beg forgiveness. She has to make Ash understand why she rejected her so cruelly. She has to make her understand what is at stake.
She has to make this right.
She has to win her back.
She rushes down the stairs, then turns right, toward the dining hall. There is a tunnel connected to the last trolley, a hidden door into the darkness. She slips through it, traverses the quad, and emerges on the main street, out into the night. The air feels heavy with impending rain, the clouds dark and roiling above, blotting out the moon.
She jogs up the sidewalk to the main gates, the red scarf flowing behind her, to the shadow that waits for her.
Toward her heart. Toward her future.
“Ash? I’m so sorry.”