You really had to make me look for you this time, didn’t you? Look – don’t worry about it, OK? I know what it’s like – I’ve been a little bit hard to find myself, lately.
It happens right about this time on the circuit, too. The time finally comes during every tour when you’re sick and tired of being stuck in with everyone else and just want some time to be on your own. It happens to everyone, greenie – even when you’re not forced into hiding like I have been. But it’s nice to be able to get out a bit now and then.
Oh yeah, Big Mike lifted my ‘house arrest’ for a bit, to see if I can ‘get along’ with everyone now. But Charlie won’t let me back onto the stage yet. Well, maybe it’s Murphy who won’t. But I’ve been hanging around a bit, behind the scenes. You know… Just to keep an eye on things.
Look – you didn’t say anything to anyone about what we talked about when you came to see me, right? Are you sure? Good.
I’ve been trying to keep my eye on that guy Frank. But now I can’t even really bring myself to talk much to anyone in the show – all I can think about is watching them sitting around, while Frank talks to them about taking over my show. So now, every time I see one of them, I can hardly stand to look at them. I feel sick. It’s all I can do not to spill the beans to Murphy. But how can I, when I don’t have any proof?
Don’t think I haven’t noticed them looking at me out of the corners of their eyes, either. I bet they’re wondering why I went after Delilah’s father. Wondering why I didn’t try to sneak out and meet up with them. A year ago – maybe less – I probably would have done it, you know. Breaking curfews and sneaking out is something I’ve been pretty well known for around here… But now it feels like the stakes have changed. Even before Murphy pulled me aside on the midway that day to talk to me, something’s been different. I don’t know what, exactly. But something – oh, sorry. You want a nip? I have this… it’s a flask I found in the kitchen of our trailer. Looks pretty old, huh? Don’t worry, I got it cleaned out good before I dumped one of Charlie’s bottles into it. It’s a lot easier to carry around than a bottle!
Look – I’m not drinking a lot. Not a whole lot, anyway. Well, OK… maybe a bit more than I thought. Not that I need to, greenie, don’t forget who you’re talking to here! Look, this isn’t what I came to talk to you about, OK? Something else happened and you are all I have, son. Pretty funny, huh? A First of May turning out to be the only person that the most ‘with it’ person at the carnival can talk to.
Yeah, well… OK – it happened like this. You know how I’m not supposed to be anywhere around Delilah’s joint – or anywhere on the back yard for that matter. And that’s been fine, right? I mean – I was thinking that I could bide my time to get at her father. Like, he must know why I went after him, right? And so I’ve been playing it cool. I figure that Big Mike wants me back up on the bally as soon as I can get there. The fancy doctor that Murphy told me Big Mike was paying for has pretty much given me the go-ahead to get back up on the stage as soon as possible. But it’s Charlie who’s been keeping me off it. Probably been on a bender and not even realised I can come back, yet. Or thinks he’s teaching me some sort of lesson by keeping me off it. How does he think he’s going to make the nut without me?
Anyway – when there’s no one under our top, I’ve been trying to spend time in there, checking equipment and taking a look to make sure no more accidents happen like what happened to me, right? So if Charlie makes another mistake in set-up, I should be right there to catch it.
So there I am, in the top, minding my own business. And you know what happens? All of a sudden I hear someone behind me. I turn around, afraid one of the carnies has come by to take some revenge for Delilah’s father, or wants to take a poke at me for something else. Instead I turn around and it’s Delilah herself, standing right there.
I’ll tell you, that stopped me for a minute or two. The two of us stood there just staring at each other. Not a word for a bit. Just checking each other out.
Let me tell you what, greenie, this was the first time all season I really got a good look at her. Seeing her without the glare of the carnival’s lights in the dark, without her make-up or a costume on, it kinda felt like I was seeing her for the first time.
She looked tired. Very tired. I mean just plumb worn out. She looked older than I remember her looking from last season, like there were lines around her mouth I hadn’t noticed before. Her eyes seemed sunken in as though she hadn’t slept for a while since being punched in the face. I always remember her hair as this wonderful deep black, but now it was ratted up a bit, like she hadn’t bothered to comb it in a while. The clothes she was wearing almost didn’t seem to fit her. She was wearing this skirt that hung kind of funny from her hips, and she had a jacket on over her T-shirt, but the sleeves were pushed up a bit. I could see some bruises on her arms and legs. They didn’t look serious or anything. But it bothered me to see them.
It seemed like forever before she finally spoke. Her voice was quiet and deeper than I remembered. She said to me, ‘I haven’t seen you much this season.’
I just kinda shrugged. I mean, why would she say something like that? Of all the things for her to say to me.
‘I heard about your mom,’ is all I said back. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Yeah,’ she nodded like she understood. Then she took a few steps, like she was going to look around the top for a bit, before stopping and looking at me again. ‘Why did you go after my father like that, Tony? Like that in front of everyone? It’s not like you.’
‘I had my reasons,’ I told her, somewhat surly-like.
She took a step or two towards me. ‘Like what?’ she demanded. ‘Come on, Tony! It’s not like you and you know it. Now tell me what you were doing!’
She was getting pretty upset and I didn’t want that, did I? I certainly didn’t want anyone coming in and seeing us arguing. So I told her the whole thing – about the letters I’d written, my plan to see her, how Mutt and Jeff had stopped me, then how I’d snuck over the fence to get into the back yard. I even told her about being outside her window and what had happened, and then seeing her crying in the stall next to that stupid cow. Greenie, I tell you, I told her everything until I was ready to bust from the pain of it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like that before.
So she’s watching me this whole time while I spill my guts out to her. And while she’s looking at me, I can see that she’s getting even more upset. By the time I tell her about being outside her window and how scared I was for her, I see tears start running down her face. By this point I don’t know what to do, so all I can do is tell her everything, right? I mean, I just poured out my heart to her, right there in the sawdust under the top.
When I finish she just stands there, looking at me with tears streaming down her face. I don’t even think she realised it. Like she was frozen in place, or something. Then the waterworks really start! She starts wailing out loud, running towards me. First, I’m afraid she’s gonna sock me or something, so I go to step back, but I’m against the rail so I can’t move. But she doesn’t hit me, she just grabs hold of me tight, and won’t let me go. It’s like she’s going to squeeze the life out of me. But I can hear her sobbing and feel her tears on my shoulder as her fingers dig into my back, you know?
I swear to you, I didn’t know what to do. I mean, I’ve never had a girl crying on my shoulder before, you know? What am I supposed to do?
So I put my arms around her. Listening to her crying just about broke my heart, gilly. I was ready to start crying myself. Let me tell you, it was everything I wanted at that moment, to have my Delilah holding onto me, needing me. I held her as close as I could, putting one of my arms around her shoulders – you know, like you see in the movies – and telling her it will all be all right.
That just makes her cry harder, and she starts saying, ‘It won’t be all right! It will never be all right!’ and sobbing so hard her whole body was shaking. Well, there was no keeping that quiet, was there? I knew that someone was going to hear her and come to see what was going on. But it turned out worse than I thought it would.
I look up and who do you think is standing there? Her father, that’s who! Delilah’s father, the man responsible for all this. But, I guess I was just so surprised I didn’t react at all. Some hero I am, huh? There she is, in my arms, practically asking me to protect her, and instead of stepping up to him I just watch as he storms in and yanks her away.
It might have been different if she’d tried to fight him off or something. That might have reminded me of what I was supposed to do. But, instead, she wraps her arms around him saying, ‘Daddy… oh, Daddy,’ and bawling her head off even harder. I guess that’s when he sees I’m about ready to say something, because he shoots me a look, and then starts pulling her out of the tent with him. I mean, he didn’t look mad or anything. Just really upset, like he was about to start crying, too.
Then I see Murphy standing at the entrance of the top. He’s seeing all of this going on, but he’s not saying anything. He doesn’t try to stop Delilah’s father as he drags her out of the joint. But he steps right back in the way of the door to keep me from leaving after them. As if that’s what I was going to do! I was in no shape to go chasing Delilah and her dad down the midway anyway.
So now Murphy and I are facing off, eye-to-eye, not saying anything. I’m wondering if he’s planning on trying to turn me in to Big Mike, or maybe Charlie, about all this. But he’s not being quick to raise any alarm, so I decide to break the ice.
‘You see all that?’ I asked him. He nods to me. ‘What should I do, Murphy?’
‘Well, kid,’ he said quietly, ‘I think there is a bigger problem you and I need to talk about. Bigger than Delilah and her daddy.’
‘There’s nothing more important than Delilah,’ I told him. He looks at me another moment, then spits into the sand and the dust in the pit.
‘I’d reckoned you were going to say that,’ he said, sadly. ‘But there’s something bigger, Tony. Leave the two of them alone for a moment, and tell me the truth.’
‘Truth about what?’ I demanded, getting pretty angry now.
‘What is that I see in your jacket there, Tony?’ he asked me, quiet-like. And I knew right away what he was talking about; this flask right here. The one in my hand right now.
‘Nothing,’ I told him. ‘None of your business. Just something I found.’
He shook his head, sadly. ‘So that’s how it’s going to be, is it?’ he said. ‘You didn’t find that unless you were looking really hard. It was my gift to your da when we first met. It was full when I gave it to him.’
I listened closely. It wasn’t often that Murphy talked about what it was like when he met Charlie.
Murphy continued, ‘And it stayed full after our first toast until after your mum passed. I found it empty right after that. That’s when I knew your da was in trouble. And now that you have it, I know that you’re in trouble, too.’
‘I don’t know wha–,’ I started to say, but Murphy interrupted.
‘Don’t say another word,’ he yelled at me. ‘This has gone on for long enough. I’m putting an end to it, Tony. An end to it, tonight!’
With no idea what he was talking about, what could I do but look at him with my mouth open?
‘Don’t go far, Tony,’ he ordered me. ‘I’m going to find your da, then the three of us are going to have a little chat and get all of this cleared out. It’s going to happen tonight – and nothing is going to be the same once I’ve said my piece to the both of you.’
Then he stormed out of the top, practically pulling the side off of it, as one of the ties wrapped around his arm. I ran to the opening to chase after him, but he was already far away, pushing people out of his way left and right. A couple of the other folks with the show were just outside, so they probably heard what he said to me. There were some other carnies around, too, and I could see from the look in their eyes that they’d overheard everything as well. The way a couple of them ran off when they saw me, I had no doubt that it would be all over the lot soon, too.
I felt hot and cold all at once. My face burned while my stomach felt like ice. I never wanted all these people looking at me the way they did, greenie. So I ran off, too, pushing my way through the crowd like I had a place to go to. A place I could run to and someone to back me up.
But I don’t, do I? Not really. I mean, I know you like me OK, gazoonie, but I don’t expect you to step into this fight that’s coming. It’s not yours. And Murphy knows the same thing you do, doesn’t he? When you’re in the carnival, there’s no place else to go but the carnival is there?
Greenie, I hope you won’t leave after all of this. I think you’ve got what it takes to be really worth it. But I don’t know what will happen after tonight… after Murphy finds my pops. I don’t think we will ever be the same again, just like Murphy said.