Found me, did you? You look like you’re ready to cut the jackpot with me, so things must have been going well.
Another red date, son, the way it is supposed to be. Blue dates may come and go, but a red date makes up for every single one of the blue ones, doesn’t it? Now, remember what I told you, once you have a buck in your kick, you want to keep it there! Stay out of the G-Top until you have more than a circuit under your belt. They’ll take everything you got without a second thought. When you get a big roll – and I’m not talking about a carny roll, mind you – that’s something you’ll want to hold onto. Once you’ve got something big, you might want to think about retiring. Or getting your own place… even your own top, maybe. You could run a single-o, like Delilah’s father.
Oh, did I tell you he came and talked to me? Delilah’s father, I mean.
Yeah – I was surprised, too. It was the day after I got back on the lot. I was making my way over to that new single-o that Big Mike put on the back end while we were gone. You know the one: the new question mark show. Yes, you’ve seen it. It’s just a small joint, has a big sign that says, ‘What is it?’ in big letters out front. They are saying it’s a Missouri McCurdy Mummy, or something equally gruesome. That’s what some of the carnies are saying it is, anyway, and they all seem to be getting a good laugh out of it. It’s got to be a gaff. But what could it be made of? And I don’t know whose joint it is. It doesn’t much matter, I suppose.
Anyway, I was heading over to see it, and he steps right out in front of me, big as you please. I figure he’s there to demand I apologise for taking a poke at him that day in the cook shack. Especially since I’ve been going around and apologising to just about everyone for acting so badly lately. Of course, I’ve been avoiding him because of what I thought he’d done to Delilah.
But, see, he steps up to me, and asks me to take a moment with him, all polite-like. I wasn’t expecting that, tell you that for nothing, but I said, ‘OK.’
So we step off the midway towards the back yard and he told me, ‘Delilah thinks a lot of you, Tony. I’m guessing that’s why I found her with you that day.’
I just nod to him, so he fumbles for the words a bit, before he says, ‘I know you two used to be close, but it hasn’t been that way lately.’ Then he asked me to sit down on the back of a truck with him, so he can talk to me more. ‘Delilah’s been having some trouble lately, Tony. I don’t mind telling you that after her mom passed… well… it’s been difficult…’
‘Well,’ I interrupted him, ‘she can come to me any time. You know, to talk.’ He just looks at me, so I added, ‘With your permission, sir.’
He looks at me funny a bit more, and then said, ‘I’m sure she appreciates that Tony, but I don’t think you understand what I’m getting at. Let me ask you this: when you jumped me that day, in front of everyone, you kept saying something about Delilah, right?’ I nodded, so he continued. ‘So you were the one outside our trailer that night? The one who ran off, then? You do know what I’m talking about, right?’ I nodded again, slowly. He sighed, heavily.
‘Tony,’ he started, ‘I was the one who chased you off. I thought you were in on it.’
‘In on what?’ I asked.
He sighs again, like he’s trying to figure out an explanation, then he said, ‘Delilah had starting acting out. She was upset about her mom passing. It was cancer. It had been coming for a while – and her mom and me, well, we tried to keep Delilah from knowing. So when her mom died, I think she blamed me a little. Anyway, once we got on the circuit for this season, Delilah started hanging around with some of the carnies that I don’t like. And started getting into some bad things.’
He looked at me to see if I understood. I nodded, so he said, ‘It took a bit – I mean, I was pretty busted up about her mom, too – but it finally got through my thick skull that she was doing drugs.’ He looked really sad and upset. ‘I would have figured it out earlier; you know we see things like that all the time. But I couldn’t figure out where she was getting the money for it, right?’
I nodded again. Everyone on the lot has heard stories about someone on drugs doing a hold out from the receipts, or stealing money in order to keep their habit up. Even my sponsor and I talked about it as part of the programme.
‘I’m sorry, Tony,’ he told me, ‘you may not want to hear this, but it’s important you know. Some of the carnies were… giving her ways to make money that weren’t… well, they were using her pretty badly, Tony. I just think you ought to know – as her friend.’
Suddenly, those puzzle pieces with Delilah’s picture on them that’d been jumbling around in my head finally clicked into place. Those two, Mutt and Jeff, hanging around and keeping me from talking to Delilah. The sounds I’d heard inside the trailer. The way she looked and acted to me that day. I felt my face flush hot, and my stomach turn to ice. Honestly, I felt like the world’s biggest chump right then. Delilah’s dad, I guess he could tell, because he put his hand on my shoulder.
‘Don’t blame yourself,’ he told me. ‘She was just lost for a bit there. I actually have you to thank for turning her around. After she talked to you that day, she told me everything that had been going on. I… I was able to get her some help. Finally.’ He rubbed his eyes for a minute, like they were bothering him, before continuing. ‘I have some family up north. She’s staying with them for a bit while I wrap up this season. After that, we’re going to figure out what to do.’
I could see he was pretty upset, but that it was important to him that I understood. I felt bad for Delilah and her father. I felt bad that I’d blamed him for what was happening to her.
‘Will I get to see her?’ I asked him.
He shrugged. ‘Probably not,’ he told me. ‘But you can write to her if you want. I hope you’ll let her know you want her to get better. Just get the letters to me, and I’ll make sure she gets them.’
I nodded to him. ‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘I’d like that.’ Then we both stood up and shook hands, really somber. It really felt like he’d done something important, telling me what he had. Then he went his way, and I went mine. I have a few letters already, for him to give to her. Then a few more, too, after that.
Which reminds me; have you seen Mutt or Jeff, lately? No? Me, neither. I asked around a little bit, but no one was interested in talking about them. That’s what happens when the goon squad gives you the DQ, my friend. It’s like you never existed!
Where do you think Frank went? Oh, I don’t think he went too far. That McCurdy Mummy had to come from somewhere, right? He won’t be missed. Leastways, not by anyone here.
Well, like I told you when we met, we do right by the other people on the lot, and they do right by us. And you better, too, if you’re going to be on the road, whether you’re with us or not.
No, I’m not saying we won’t be on the circuit next year. But, right now, it’s hard to say.
I mean, I’m no punk kid, right? I’ve spent all these years with the show, being the ‘Clown Prince of Sideshow’ for everyone, both the chumps and the carnival folks. Not afraid to take a hayseed for everything he’s got – while always leaving a mooch a dollar for gas – and ready to wow the ladies right out of their panties, too. The guys, they’ve always got a girl show to go to, but the dames – well, they have me, don’t they?
Look, you’re educated now. You’re with it. You understand how the carnival works, so no one can take advantage of you. And you can help watch everyone else’s back, too. As I’ve always said, this is our world! From one end of the midway to the other, through the backlot and back yard, front end to back end. Rides, games, shows, single-os, grease joints… each and every single agent, pitchman, talker, jock, freak and act, working to make their nut to stay on the road. And I’ve never really considered any place else for Charlie and me but the road. Never really considered another place for us to go. Much less thought about another way for us to make money.
I mean, what else could we do? Go straight?
But Charlie, he’s a smart man. That’s part of what helped him during the inquest. College degrees and fancy writings – maybe that’s what he should be doing, instead of being on a bally stage trying to turn a tip. And me? I don’t think there’s any place I couldn’t fit in if I didn’t want to. It made me think of something Murphy once told me. It went something like this:
‘Kid,’ he said – he’s the only one I ever let call me ‘kid’, like I’ve told you before – ‘a lot of folks on the lot, they live in their own little world – and they can never get beyond it. Their life starts and ends between the front end and back end. The problem is, there’s a much bigger world out there. And our carnival is just a tiny little piece of that big huge thing, not the other way around. But you? You’re smart enough so that you can understand that. And what’s more, you can be understood by all sides, too, if you really want to. The carnies, they know you and respect you. And put you out with the citizens? Well, they can understand and respect you, too, if you let them. That is an important skill, kid – and it will take you far.’
I still remember the look in his eyes when he said, ‘But you have to get out there and do it. If you stay here, you’re limiting yourself. If you really want to make something of yourself, then there has to be more to you than being on the backlot.’
So that’s what I’ve been thinking about. Whether or not I can really get out there and make something of myself beyond this canvas top. And I think I can…
But let’s face it, gazoonie, I’m not in a hurry to get to it today! Right now, I can smell money in the pocket of a mark from a mile away, even over the popcorn and candy floss of the midway. I can hear change jingling in a hayseed’s pocket under the sound of a ride that’s there just to shake it loose. I can hear the townies’ shoes walking along the sawdust of the midway, and feel the buzz of their voices as they look at the banner lines, marvelling at the acts waiting for them inside. I can imagine their dreams, and I’m ready to make them come true under our top.
Come on. It’s time to start the bally.
