With the Fourth of July picnic rapidly approaching, Raylene decided it was time to really push herself to take bigger strides to overcome her panic over leaving the house. She’d been strong enough to survive her marriage—surely she could stay outside longer than a couple of minutes without falling apart!
What if, she asked herself, she’d been cutting the excursions so short because she was afraid of humiliating herself in front of someone? Even though the psychologist and Sarah were definitely on her side and understood her problem, that didn’t mean she wanted to be embarrassed by coming unglued.
When she really thought about her slow progress, she decided that going toward the street was probably a bad idea, as well. Out there lay too much uncertainty. Anyone could happen by.
Maybe she ought to be trying to get to the more secluded patio. For a brief time she’d felt safe out there. Maybe that goal would be easier to conquer, and she’d be able to surprise everyone by joining them out there on the Fourth.
She sighed. So many maybes and uncertainties. The only way she’d ever know for sure would be to try.
She waited until an afternoon when she was alone. Sarah was still at work, and Laurie had taken the kids to the park. Walter had come for lunch and gone. No one else was expected.
For fifteen minutes—she watched each minute tick by on the clock over the stove—she sat at the kitchen table and did all the relaxation exercises Dr. McDaniels had taught her.
When she felt calm and in control, she went to the door and opened it, then put her hand on the screen door and drew in a deep breath. She thought about how much she wanted to keep a close eye on Carrie at the party, something she wouldn’t be able to do if she was stuck inside the house. That goal got her to take her first step outside.
“I can do this,” she murmured to herself as she took a few more steps. “It’s perfectly safe out here. I only have to stay for two minutes, if that’s all I can do. I don’t have to stay if it doesn’t feel right.”
She walked to the edge of the garden, then paused and glanced around. There wasn’t a soul in sight. The sun was bright, the sky clear. It couldn’t have been a more perfect day to venture outside. The brightly colored flowers in her garden—the flowers she’d never touched—were beckoning. She bent down and pulled a couple of stray weeds, feeling a sense of accomplishment even over mastering such a small task.
Glancing at her watch, she realized she’d only been outside for a minute, maybe two. So far, though, so good. Maybe she could sit for a minute and enjoy the breeze and fresh air.
Heart pounding, she crossed to the patio itself. As she neared one of the comfortably cushioned chairs, she broke into a cold sweat. In an instant, she was hyperventilating so badly, she thought she might pass out, but she managed to get a death grip on the back of a chair and steadied herself. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe evenly, consciously trying to calm her nerves.
And then she heard a sound, no more than the rustle of leaves in a breeze, she thought, but it was enough to terrify her. Panic, never far away, crawled up the back of her throat. She stood where she was, frozen in place, tears streaming down her face. The kitchen—her safe haven—seemed a thousand miles away. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t seem to take the first step to get there.
She glanced over at that wonderful garden that Carter had created for her, tried to take comfort in the colorful flowers, but she couldn’t seem to focus. She was shaking too badly, her eyesight blurred by tears.
Then she heard him, Carter calling her name. She tried to answer and couldn’t. He came around the side of the house and took in the situation with a glance.
“Well, look at you,” he said lightly, moving slowly toward her as if fearing he’d startle her. He approached her as carefully as someone trying to gentle a spooked horse. “Did you decide to take a walk on your own?”
Unable to speak, she merely nodded.
“Ready to go back inside?”
She nodded even more vehemently.
“Take my hand then,” he said gently. “We’ll go in together, unless you’d rather I just sit out here with you.”
She shook her head, glancing desperately toward the house.
“Okay, then,” he said quietly, still holding out his hand. “We’ll go inside.”
It took what seemed like an eternity for her to release her grip on the chair and take his hand. The warmth of his skin did what nothing else had. It reassured her. She clung to him. His hand became her lifeline.
“It’s only a few steps,” he told her. “We can count them as we go. One.”
She stepped forward haltingly, slowed by an inability—or unwillingness—to open her eyes for more than a second at a time, as if that would shut out the fear.
“That’s good,” he said soothingly. “Now another. Two.”
It was five endless steps in all, but she did it by concentrating on the sound of his voice and his commands and not thinking at all about the terrible panic that had her in its grip.
Once inside, she collapsed into a chair, sobs racking her body. “I thought I could do it. I thought it would be okay,” she whispered in a choked voice, unable to look at him. She’d never felt more humiliated.
He brought her a tall glass of iced sweet tea, then sat across from her. “Stop beating yourself up. You tried. That’s what counts. And tomorrow will be better.”
She shook her head. “I don’t believe that. It’s always going to be like this.” She lifted her gaze to his. “You can’t imagine what it’s like.”
“No, I can’t,” he agreed. “But the fact that you tried, that’s what counts. It tells me how brave you are, how badly you want to conquer this disorder or phobia or whatever it is.”
“Brave?” she scoffed, an almost hysterical note in her voice. “I took a few steps into my own backyard, no more than I’d been taking every day for a couple of weeks now with Dr. McDaniels and Sarah. Today, though, I fell completely apart. If you hadn’t come along, there’s no telling how long I might have stayed there, completely frozen. I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest. I couldn’t breathe.”
He ignored her interpretation and spun his own. “But you did this all on your own,” he reminded her. “I think it was amazing.”
“Then you have very low standards.”
He smiled at that. “And you’re way too hard on yourself. So, why today? And why without Dr. McDaniels?”
She explained her earlier thoughts. “I got to thinking that maybe the reason I was making such slow progress was that I was afraid of being humiliated in front of someone, that maybe I’d do better on my own. And the Fourth of July picnic is coming up, and I wanted so badly to be out here with everyone else. It just seemed like the right time to push myself.” She didn’t mention her concerns about Carrie, her need to be available to her in a way she couldn’t be if she remained housebound. She gave him a bleak look. “Maybe there is no right time.”
He studied her for a minute, then asked, “Are you pushing yourself so hard all of a sudden because of me? I know that probably sounds egotistical, but I don’t want to be the one putting added pressure on you.”
Once again, he’d surprised her with his perceptiveness. “In a way,” she admitted. “Sooner or later, you’re going to get bored to tears by me never being able to go anywhere. You’ll lose interest, and who could blame you?”
“I don’t see myself losing interest anytime soon,” he told her. “I keep coming back, don’t I?”
“So far,” she conceded. It suddenly dawned on her that his arrival today, which had been timely under the circumstances, was unexpected. “Is there some reason you dropped by in the middle of your shift? You’re not upset because Carrie and Mandy dropped in here the other day, are you? Because I’d told them to come by anytime.”
He shook his head. “No, I appreciate the fact that you’re willing to spend time with them. They need a woman they can talk to, Carrie especially. As you know, she’s having a tough time, and it’s worse now that school is out. She doesn’t seem to have made any friends at all, so she’s hanging around the house, bored to tears.”
Raylene regarded him with surprise. “She told you how she’s been feeling?”
He nodded. “She admitted that she’s miserable. I should have seen it myself. I’m taking them to Columbia this weekend. I hope that will help, but we can’t run over there every time she starts feeling homesick.”
“Who says?” Raylene countered. “If going back helps, you need to do it as often as you can. Columbia’s not that far.”
“The problem is that it’s usually worse for her afterward,” he said. “She’s happy for a couple of days talking about who she saw and everything we did, but then she crashes right back down again. Even though she tries to hide it most of the time, I can see how angry she is about being here. This is the first time, though, that she’s opened up to me. I have a feeling I have you to thank for that.”
“I didn’t do anything other than encourage her to tell you what was on her mind.”
“I appreciate that. She needs to know we’re in this together, that we’re all making adjustments.”
Raylene hesitated, then once again asked, “If you aren’t here now because of Carrie or Mandy, what did bring you by?”
Her question, though an obvious one, seemed to unnerve him. He waved it off.
“This isn’t the best time to get into it. It can wait.”
“Tell me,” she insisted.
He continued to hesitate.
“Carter, you’re making me nervous. Is there a problem?” A thought suddenly struck her. “Did you come by to tell me it’s best if we don’t go on seeing each other?”
“Absolutely not,” he said with such heartfelt emotion she couldn’t possibly doubt him. “I’ve already told you that I’m drawn to you, that I want to be with you.”
Since him dumping her before they’d really had half a chance to get to know each other was just about the worst thing she could think of, anything else was bound to pale by comparison. “What then?” she pressed.
“It’s about your ex-husband.”
She regarded him blankly. “Paul? What about him?”
“There’s something you need to know.”
At his dire tone, a sense of dread settled in her stomach. “What?”
“He’s due to get out of prison sometime in August. I thought you should be prepared.”
Raylene’s world, which had barely steadied itself on its axis after her unfortunate excursion outside, began spinning again. “No,” she whispered. “That can’t be.”
“I’m afraid it’s true. I checked it out myself after you told me about him. I wanted to see if you were likely to be in danger anytime soon.”
She started to tremble and couldn’t seem to stop. “No,” she whispered again. “No, no, no.”
Carter moved to her side, then paused. “Is it okay?” he asked tentatively.
Raylene nodded, and he pulled her into his arms. She tried to relax, to let herself feel the comfort and reassurance he was offering, but the fear was more powerful. She couldn’t stop shaking.
“It’s going to be okay,” Carter promised. “He won’t get near you, not if I have to convince the sheriff to put twenty-four-hour security around this house.”
“No,” she said fiercely, pulling away. “I can’t rely on other people. This isn’t your problem. And the sheriff doesn’t have that kind of manpower.” She groaned as another thought struck her. “I can’t put Sarah and the kids in danger. I’ll need to move out.”
“Raylene, don’t get ahead of yourself.”
“But you said he’s getting out in August. I have to make plans. I have to handle Paul on my own, and I need to be able to protect myself.”
Carter regarded her with dismay. “What are you suggesting?”
Her mind made up, she looked at him with a steady gaze. “I want you to teach me how to use a gun.”
“Absolutely not,” Carter said at once, his expression grim.
“Carter, I have to do this my way.”
He raked his hand through his hair. “Come on, Raylene. Have you ever even fired a gun before?”
“No, but that’s why you’ll teach me.”
“How?” he asked reasonably. “It’s not as if I can take you to the gun range.”
Raylene faltered at that. “I have to learn,” she insisted. “It’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“Do you honestly think you could shoot a man?” he asked.
She thought of the way Paul had mistreated her, the night that he’d in essence killed their baby. “Any man?” she said softly. “No.” Then she met his gaze evenly. “But I could shoot Paul Hammond,” she said with conviction.
Despite her fierce certainty, Carter shook his head. “You might be able to pull the trigger,” he told her. “But you’d never be able to live with the consequences. I know you, sweetheart. Even after everything that man did to you, it would destroy you to take his life. That kind of violence or revenge just isn’t in you.”
“What about justice?” she asked, her voice pleading. “That’s what it would be, you know. My life is the way it is because of him. Maybe if he was gone once and for all, I’d finally be able to live in peace. The court system obviously didn’t care about that when they gave him such a light sentence.”
Carter touched her cheek. “I know you want to believe that killing him would let you live a normal life again, and maybe it’s even true, but there are better ways to handle this. Let me go and see him. I’ll find out what his plans are, what his frame of mind is. For all we know, he’s going to relocate to Alaska.”
“He hates cold weather,” she said automatically.
Carter frowned at the glib comment. “My point is that we need to know if he has a plan for the rest of his life. We can go from there.”
Raylene nodded reluctantly. “But we’re not ruling out the gun.”
“Not entirely,” he agreed, though with obvious reluctance.
She met his gaze. “Thank you for giving me some time to get used to the idea that he’s going to be free. Now I have time to figure out what’s best.”
Carter regarded her with alarm. “But you won’t do anything hasty, right? Promise me, we’ll work this out together. Please don’t make me regret telling you.”
Ironically the panic she’d felt outside earlier, the fear she’d felt when Carter had told her the news, all of that had faded now. What she was left with was a cold emptiness inside, and the kind of grim determination she’d never expected to experience. Paul Hammond wouldn’t terrorize her again, not ever. No matter what she had to do to stop him.
* * *
Carter walked away from Raylene with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He’d seen something in her eyes that had terrified him. Though he admired her for wanting to face down her ex-husband, he knew without a doubt that such a confrontation was bound to turn out badly. She was no match for a bully who’d likely let his resentment fester during a jail term.
Once again, he contacted Travis and filled him in. “I didn’t like what I heard in her voice. If I don’t take the initiative here and deal with Hammond myself, there’s no telling what Raylene might do.”
“How can I help?”
“I can circulate the word with all the deputies in the area, but as thin as we’re spread, it’s going to take more men to make sure Hammond doesn’t get near her again.”
“I’ll make some calls,” Travis said at once. “How about I get Cal Maddox, Ronnie Sullivan, Erik Whitney and my cousin Tom over to my place later tonight? I’m sure we can put together a plan to keep her safe.”
“That would be great. Around eight?”
“Make it nine. Erik works at Sullivan’s, but he should be able to break free by then.”
“Aren’t you on the air tonight?”
“I’ll ask Bill to stick around and cover for me.”
“Look, Travis, I don’t know what your timetable is for the wedding, but you might think about having Sarah and the kids move in with you sooner rather than later, at least until this is resolved,” Carter told him. “I’m going to do anything I can think of to make sure Paul Hammond never sets foot in Serenity, but you don’t want to take any chances that they could get in his way.”
“Done,” Travis said at once. “But that will leave Raylene there all alone. She’ll be a sitting duck.”
“She wants a damn gun,” Carter said, still shuddering at the thought.
“I suppose I can understand that,” Travis said. “She should be able to protect herself.”
“Come on. You know Raylene as well as I do. If she even shot the man in the toe, she’d be riddled with guilt forever.”
“You have a point. Okay, we’ll thrash all this out tonight.”
“Thanks, Travis. I owe you.”
Once he’d gotten off the phone with Travis, Carter radioed the sheriff and told him what was going on. “Can you free me to take a trip to the prison? Shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours.”
“I’ll cover for you myself,” the sheriff promised. “Tell that SOB to stay the hell out of my county, you hear.”
“That’s the plan,” Carter confirmed.
But two hours later, he walked away from the prison with a certainty that Paul Hammond wasn’t going to make things easy. He was still seething with barely contained anger at the woman he blamed for ruining his career and putting him behind bars.
And there wasn’t a doubt in Carter’s mind that given half a chance, he’d want to finish the job he’d started the last time he’d beaten her. Behind the smooth facade, Carter had seen a man who was coldly calculating revenge.
* * *
Raylene had the local paper spread out on the kitchen table and was circling ads for places for rent when Sarah came home from work.
“What are you doing?” Sarah demanded, looking over her shoulder.
“Finding my own place to live,” Raylene told her,
Sarah sat down at the kitchen table and regarded her with dismay. “What brought this on? I thought you planned to buy this house from me once Travis and I are married. I’ve been counting on that.”
“I still want to do that, but I can’t stay here right now.” She filled Sarah in on the news Carter had shared about Paul’s impending release from prison. It was six to eight weeks away, but she explained that she had to start making her plans now. “I won’t stay here and risk putting you and the kids in danger.”
“But you said Carter’s going to deal with him,” Sarah said. “I can’t imagine he’ll set foot in Serenity once Carter has a come-to-Jesus talk with him.”
“I’m not taking any chances,” Raylene argued, her jaw set stubbornly.
“Let’s think this through,” Sarah pleaded. “We’ll get everybody together and talk about what’s best.”
“It’s not a group decision,” Raylene retorted. “It’s mine, and I’ve made it.”
“Well, you’re not moving out tomorrow, no matter what, so put that paper down and let’s fix dinner. I always think better on a full stomach.”
Raylene recognized a stalling tactic when she saw one, but she folded the newspaper and put it aside.
“Is everything all set for the picnic on the Fourth?” Sarah asked, deliberately changing the topic.
With everything that had happened that afternoon, Raylene had pushed the barbecue completely out of her head. “I think so. Dana Sue insisted on bringing the fried chicken and ribs. I’m making the salads. Erik’s doing the burgers and the pies. Maddie said she’d find red, white and blue paper plates and napkins. Ronnie’s in charge of getting sparklers for the kids and making sure they don’t set themselves on fire.”
“And Annie?”
“To be honest, I think she’s having a little trouble juggling work and dealing with Trevor and a new baby on her own with Ty on the road. I didn’t give her an assignment.”
“She’ll be furious if she thinks you let her off the hook because she can’t cope,” Sarah said. She closed her eyes and sighed. “I remember what it was like for me when I had Tommy and Libby so close together. I know exactly what she’s going through, but every time I offer to pitch in, she bites my head off.”
“I’ll have her pick up some soda or something. And I’ll make sure she knows her most important assignment is to pay attention to what’s going on with Carrie,” Raylene said.
“Have you heard from Carrie since she dropped by?”
“Not a word. Maybe she had a lot of studying to do for finals, but school’s been out for a week now, and she hasn’t been by again. She may be embarrassed about having revealed so much. I’m glad this picnic’s coming up so soon. I don’t want to take too long to figure out if she really is in trouble. At least Carter told me that she’s been talking to him about how miserable she’s been here. That’s a start.”
She hesitated, then met Sarah’s gaze. “There’s something else you should know.”
“Yes?”
“I tried to make myself go onto the patio earlier today. Carter found me out there. I was a total basket case.”
Sarah’s eyes lit up with excitement. “But you were on the patio? That’s fantastic.”
“Did you miss the part about me being a basket case?”
“I don’t care. A basket case who’s actually outside completely on her own after all these months is still fantastic!”
“You’re way too easily impressed,” Raylene said.
“Wait till you tell Dr. McDaniels. I’ll bet she’s impressed, too.”
Raylene studied her. “You really think it was that great, even though Carter found me pretty much unglued?”
“I think it was amazing, and so should you. You should be proud, Raylene. You left this house without me or Dr. McDaniels! Whoo-hoo!”
Raylene grinned at her enthusiasm. “I guess it was kind of cool.”
“Better than cool. Awesome!”
“Okay, you can settle down now,” Raylene said dryly. “I didn’t walk on water.”
“No, but you walked on bricks,” Sarah replied. “In my book that’s, what, half a dozen steps in the right direction.”
Raylene tried to view it through Sarah’s eyes. Maybe it had been a little bit of a triumph after all. The all-important questions, though, were whether she could make herself do it again and how long it would take before being outside started to seem like second nature, especially now that she knew Paul could be a more immediate threat.