My Home Is Not Broken
When we drove up to church one Easter Sunday morning, there was a member of the congregation outside taking pictures of all the families. As we approached the church, he motioned for us to come over and get our family picture taken. I became upset at the audacity of this man. How dare he want to take a picture of my children and me? Hadn’t he heard that the children’s father and I were newly divorced?
He called to us to come over and was insistent. All of a sudden, my daughter screamed, “We don’t have a family!” and went running through the front door of the church. My son was quieter, but his words were just as lethal when he said, “We aren’t a family anymore. Don’t you know my dad left?” With his head hanging low and his shoulders slumped, he walked off in the opposite direction and through the back door of the church.
Oh my goodness, my children had just verbalized what I had been thinking, but hearing them say it hurt.
It was that Easter Sunday morning that changed the direction of our single-parent family.
All through the church service I thought about what had taken place, and after church when we got home, I sat my children down for a talk. I explained to them that we were indeed still a family. My son said, “Mom, look around. In case you haven’t noticed, Dad left. We don’t have a dad anymore. We’re different.”
I diligently explained that God still loved us and that we would need to work at being a family. I told my children that God would now be the other parent in our home. I mean, what better parent to be the father in our home than our heavenly Father?
My son, ever the practical kid, said, “Well, that’s just great, but Mom, I need someone with skin on. I need somebody to talk to and someone who will answer my questions and do dad kinds of things with me.” That comment threw me for a loop.
As I sat there looking at my son, thinking about what to say, the Holy Spirit filled my mind with the words to say: “Son, I hear what you are saying, but you can talk to God.
“He hears you.
“He gives you answers.
“You can hear Him in the Bible when you read it.
“You can hear Him in the sermons the preacher preaches.
“You can hear God speaking through songs and even through other people.
“You can hear Him speak to your heart and in your mind.
“And I’m sure God will provide male role models and friends who will help you become a strong Christian man.”
If you are a single dad, you might have a similar conversation with your daughter. Mike Klumpp,1 in his book The Single Dad’s Survival Guide, tells about a time the school called him about his teen daughter. He rushed home and asked her what was wrong.
“Baby, what’s wrong?”
“I started,” Paige whispered. Then she began to cry.
She “started” what? Volleyball? Ahhh. Started! The light came on. I was totally unprepared. I had been trying to cultivate my feminine side, but this was totally outside my area of expertise. Still, as the on-duty parent, I had to do something.
Mike goes on to tell how he ran out and purchased his daughter a rose, a card, and a certificate stating she was a precious child of God. However, he never purchased the pads she needed. Later on, he caught his daughters giggling and asked what was going on. They proceeded to remind him of the time Paige first started her period and he only purchased a rose, a card, and a certificate. Mike took it all in his manly stride.
That Easter Sunday morning burned into my mind the importance of calling ourselves a family unit. As I began to pray, the Lord revealed to me how to create a family from the pieces that lay before me.
A Single-Parent Family or a Broken Home?
At the beginning of my single-parenting journey, my children lived in a very broken home with a very broken parent—me. I was so broken that my children didn’t have a mom in their home; rather, they had a devastated and overwrought adult living with them who made mistakes and messed up many times. On that Easter Sunday morning when our friend wanted to take a family picture, the Lord took hold of me and brought me to my senses. I realized that I did have a single-parent family and it was time to act like a single parent. Thankfully, it was in time for me to step back and see what was happening.
Do your children live in a broken home or a single-parent family? There is a difference. Children from broken homes are more likely to grow up broken. Children in single-parent families have a better opportunity to grow into mature and healthy adults.
You may be questioning what the difference is between a fractured, broken home and a single-parent family.
Single-parent families are functioning units:
Broken homes are just that—broken:
A family friend told me a story about a thirteen-year-old girl who took her life.2 Her parents divorced when she was a toddler. They had a very high-conflict divorce. They fought constantly over visitation, over child support, over what could or could not happen at the other parent’s home. The child was never given permission to love the other parent. When this girl turned thirteen, she had had enough. When the parents found her body, there was a suicide note that read, “You have been fighting over me my whole life. If I am no longer here, I hope you will quit fighting.”
Even though the parents had been divorced for many years, each home was so broken that the child could no longer tolerate living.
Single-parent families have their ups and downs, but they stay connected. The siblings aren’t always kind to each other. They have their arguments. The single parents may be grouchy or out of sorts sometimes. Overall, though, these families stay connected for the long haul.
The single parent doesn’t argue with the ex-spouse. Many don’t even talk to the ex-spouse.
Many times, the adults in these disconnected situations have not healed from the divorce, the death of their partner, or whatever brought them to parenting alone. If that’s the case with you, then please look into a program that will help you heal from the devastation that brought you to parenting alone. DivorceCare3 and GriefShare4 are two helpful programs that will assist you in your journey. I have led both programs at various churches and have seen firsthand the healing that comes from them.
What Was God’s Original Design for a Family?
If we look at Genesis 2:22–24, we find His wonderful creation: “Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
And Genesis 4:1–2 says, “Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, ‘With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.’ Later she gave birth to his brother Abel.”
What a beautiful picture we see in the fourth chapter of Genesis. God designed the family to include a mother and a father. That was His original intention; however, look what happened to the first family. One brother, Cain, killed the other brother, Abel. Talk about fractured homes—that is just about as dysfunctional as it can get.
Just as the original family was broken, many families today are torn apart. You don’t have to be one of those fractured or broken homes. God didn’t want the first family to be fractured, and He doesn’t want your family to be broken either.
I have observed many broken homes. From my observations and the study of various books, articles, and other resources, I have concluded that broken homes have certain traits.
In a spiritually and emotionally unhealthy broken home, the parent
At times, parents in broken homes take on the role of victim:
God Can Change Victims into People Victorious in Him
Several years ago, I was conducting a weekend single-parent conference, and on Friday evening as I was leading, the Lord spoke through me. I didn’t have this included in my notes and had never spoken these words before, but the following came out of my mouth: “God didn’t intend for us to live in broken homes. God didn’t intend for us to be victims. His plan is for us to be victorious in Him and for Him.” I was thinking, Whoa! Where did that come from? But I went on with my talk.
After the keynote, people lined up to talk to me and ask questions. One lady, next to the last person in line, waited patiently for more than thirty people to get through visiting with me. As I approached her, she grabbed my hand and said, “I don’t want to be a victim anymore. I want to be victorious in Him. How do I do that?” I said, “Let’s sit down over here, and I’ll tell you.” I presented the plan of salvation, and she accepted Christ as her Savior.
The amazing thing about this situation was that on the way to the church, the woman who picked me up at the airport had told me about one of their single moms who was really struggling. She had a very broken home. The ministers had prayed for this mom to be at the conference that night. Before I walked out on stage, the team sponsoring the event and I prayed for this single mom to be in the audience and for the Lord to speak to her heart. And guess what? The lady who accepted Christ was the single mom we had prayed for. She became victorious through Christ.
God did indeed work in that situation and with that mom to reshape her home. He can do the same for you. He can turn your home into one that honors Him. Broken homes do not honor the Lord. To help you understand what God can do, let’s go to Jeremiah 18:1–6.
What Does God’s Word Say about Reshaping Our Homes?
This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.
Then the word of the Lord came to me: “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand.”
Jeremiah 18:1–6
Notice where it says, “But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.”
God designed the family to include a mother and a father. That was His intention, but some of our “vessels,” or families, are spoiled. Allow God to be the Potter who reshapes your family into what He wants for you and your children. Put it into your mind that you are a single-parent family. Use the word family often when talking to and with your children.
Perhaps you have a great single-parent family already, but you need to refine it a little. Or maybe you have a broken family, and you want to turn your broken family into a healthy single-parent family. Either way, here are some things to think about and use to reshape your family.
Who Is Teaching Your Children?
Who is teaching your children values, life skills, and how to get along with other people? Most of you are going to say, “Well, I am, of course!” Let’s stop and think about this for a moment. You are only one parent. If your spouse died, you might be the main influence on your child. However, if you are a single parent who is tied up in shared parenting, or your child has visitation with the other parent, or there is another parent on the scene in some way, then you are not the only one teaching your child.
Most of our children have other influences in their lives. In today’s world, many of our kids are learning from social media more than we’d like to admit. Grandparents, teachers, child care workers, neighbors, friends, and our church families teach our children. Some of the learning is by observation, while some information is purposely taught. Think about who is teaching your child the following:
I asked this same question at a retreat in Oklahoma. One single mom was downright indignant. She said, “No one teaches my child all these things but me!” I asked her,
The mom’s response was, of course, that her child did all these things, but the mom was the one teaching her values, morals, manners, etc. So, I offered the following scenario:
Let’s suppose you are going someplace where you have to park in a large parking lot. You get out, lock your car, and go in the store. While you are shopping
Do any of these things affect how your car operates? Of course not, because your car is an inanimate object. It doesn’t have feelings and can’t be influenced. However, our children are like sponges, soaking up everything around them. If your child had been standing close by, she would have been influenced by everything that had happened. We are not the only ones teaching our children.
Take time at the end of this chapter to think about who is teaching your children all of these life skills and influencing their value system. You may have to step back and make some decisions about how you will deal with these influences.
For example, one time my son came home and said, “Mom, I don’t think you would approve of some of the stuff Dad has us do.” I asked, “Like what?” “Well, he put in a movie, and it had naked people in it. I knew you would not want me watching that, but I didn’t know what to do because I knew Dad would get mad if I didn’t watch it.” I asked him what his sister did during the movie, and he said she grabbed her book and started reading.
Naturally, I wanted to storm over to his dad’s and give him a piece of my mind. But I didn’t, because as single parents we have no control over what goes on in the other parent’s home. (Of course, if you suspect your child is being abused, neglected, molested, or hurt in any way, call the child and family services department in your state to get guidance on what to do.)
My son and I discussed the situation, and he decided he would make sure he always had a book in his backpack or a game or something to do. As single parents, we have to work extra hard at influencing our children, especially when the other parent seems to be introducing them to ideas, morals, and other things that go against our values. All you can do is pray, lead an exemplary life yourself, and depend upon the Lord to lead and guide you.
You might be asking, “How do we create emotionally and spiritually healthy single-parent homes?” The answer is we replicate Jesus. Let me repeat that: We replicate Jesus. Let’s look at what we can learn from Jesus Christ our Savior when He walked on our earth.
Replicate Jesus
Everything you need to know about how to raise your kids in a single-parent home is in God’s Word. Not only that, but it was modeled for us by Christ as He led His disciples and others.
Jesus taught what people should do: Love the Lord your God. He also taught that they should forgive. He always forgave. When Jesus hung on the cross after being beaten, spit upon, and tried when He had committed no crime, when He had led a sinless life, He asked the heavenly Father to forgive His accusers. “Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing’” (Luke 23:34). Can we do anything less for our own children?
He also had empathy for people in various situations—something many single parents struggle with, especially when it comes to ex-spouses or extended families.
Jesus was gentle but firm at the same time. He taught that there are consequences for actions. He also taught that there are consequences for failing to take action.
He was tender and caring for the weak and for the hurting. He cared deeply.
Jesus pulled the children onto His lap. In other words, He gave physical attention to them. It is something many children want and need. When did you last hug your kid? He also honored children by allowing them to contribute—think of the boy with the loaves and fishes. Imagine the honor that boy felt when he contributed to the entire community.
Jesus came down to our level. He spoke to us so we could understand. He ate with His disciples. They spent mealtimes together. Single-parent families desperately need to find time to have at least one meal together each day and not be rushing, watching TV, or using social media.
He walked and talked. You might say He made the most of each moment, even when traveling. Know when many kids talk freely? In the car—but not with movies on or handheld devices or iPhones engaged.
Jesus was not afraid to discipline. He publicly rebuked Peter when he was out of line. He also brought up secret, uncomfortable subjects. He asked, “What were you arguing about?” when His disciples discussed who was to be first (Mark 9:33).
Again, He showed physical attention. Not only did children sit in His lap, but the disciples leaned against Him at the Last Supper as they reclined to eat. He was also not afraid to show emotion in front of them. He expressed joy and sadness; He cried, showed anger, frustration, etc. We should not shield our children from our emotions. We should, however, display them appropriately.
Jesus taught His disciples and gave them small assignments to test their abilities, then corrected their errors. He not only said, “Do what I say” but also “Do what I do.” He led by example when He washed the feet of those around Him.
He directed them to people they could trust when He was gone: “‘Dear woman, here is your son,’ and to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother’” (John 19:26–27).
He showed them that even a leader needs time alone as He would slip away and pray. Yes, even single parents need time away to pray, contemplate, and read God’s Word.
Traits of a Successful Single-Parent Family
Replicate Jesus, and it won’t be long before you’ll begin to see a single-parent family emerging. Here are just a few traits of an emotionally and spiritually healthy single-parent family:
1. The parent sets up schedules that are consistent but flexible. As kids age, schedules need to change.
I love how Robert Beeson explains his daily schedule in the book Going Solo.
Before I knew it, the alarm blast would summon me to get out of bed, brush my teeth, and brace myself for the morning circus that daily paraded its three-ring fun into the kitchen. All three girls were in school, so the first hour awake required a lot of prep in a short window of time. Each day by 6:15-ish, I was acting as . . .
2. Each member of the family unit is recognized as valuable.
3. Each person contributes by shouldering responsibilities that promote the well-being of the family.
4. Family members communicate with each other; everyone has a chance to contribute to the conversation, and consideration is given to what the parent has to say as well.
5. Family members support one another by attending kids’ school events when possible. Children also attend events with the parent.
I had my son and his friend attend summer concerts in the park with me. Did they like it? Not really, but they went because I was the mom and insisted that my son accompany me.
We all went to programs at church or to the movies as a family. We went to the school band concerts and to parades the kids marched in with their band.
It is important that all are trustworthy; if you say you are going to do something with your children, then do it. Don’t disappoint your children by not showing up or by cancelling because of something more important. To a child there is nothing more important than the trust between you and them.
6. The parent is reliable and consistent. You, as the parent, must model being consistently reliable in your daily life. Be and do what you say you are going to do. In other words, if you say Saturday morning you are making pancakes, you need to make sure you make pancakes. We all have interruptions, and when that happens, an explanation needs to be given every time.
7. All are respectful. All family members, including the parent, respect each other. In some situations, the parent is going to have to model respect.
One time I heard my daughter utter a swear word. I was upstairs, and she was at the bottom of the stairs. I guess she thought I couldn’t hear. I came to the upstairs landing and said, “Julie, there is no swearing in this house.”
My son said, “Mom, everybody cusses. You can’t be with us all the time, so how do you know we are cussing or not?”
I replied, “What you say is true. I can’t be with you 24/7, nor do I want to. However, you need to know that there are three places I expect you two to be respectful enough not to swear. And those places are 1) in my home; 2) in front of your grandmother; and 3) at church.
“Anywhere else I hope you have the good sense to consider your surroundings and the consequences of what might happen to you if you swear. I’m thinking of the school bus and class.”
8. The adult shows appropriate emotions for various situations. My kids saw me cry more than once. And they saw me get angry and frustrated.
9. All family members contribute to society.
10. The family reads God’s Word and prays together.
You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign upon your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. And you shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. And you shall write them upon the doorposts of your house and upon your gates, that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers to give them, as long as the heavens are above the earth.
Deuteronomy 11:18–21 (RSV)
11. The family sets up new rituals and continues some rituals and traditions from the past.
12. The family solves problems together.
13. Family members share leisure time; they play, laugh, and share humor together.
In our home, we laughed a lot. We did silly and fun things. We jumped on the beds and over the couches and ran down the stairs, and I’m sure if our neighbors had looked in the windows, they would have thought I had finally lost it.
One time my daughter had a friend over to spend the night. They decided to have a Planet of the Apes marathon. We sat up way into the night watching every Planet of the Apes movie ever made. At one point my son climbed up on the couch and went to sleep. I don’t know what time I fell asleep, but I woke up the next morning on the floor with sunlight streaming in on my face. The TV was blaring away, and my daughter and her friend were asleep on the floor. Popcorn bowls, sodas, and other snack foods were strewn across the floor. I sat up smiling and praising God we had spent the night laughing and having a good time. All because of the Planet of the Apes movie marathon.
How are you doing? Are you leaning more into the lifestyle of a single-parent family?
What Does God’s Word Say?
To help you change from a broken home to a single-parent family, read Colossians 3. Verses 5–11 tell you what to do to change your parenting.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.
Colossians 3:12–14 describes a parent who is creating a home where children will grow up in a healthy environment.
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
(Bullets and paragraph breaks added for emphasis)
Your children do not have to come from an unhealthy broken home. They can be raised in a single-parent family. Be the parent God intended you to be. Ideally, each of us should have the relationship with our child that God wants to have with us.
Remember that Satan is a liar. He will try to destroy our single-parent, Christian homes. If you remember, Genesis 3:1 states that the serpent, Satan, was crafty. Adam and Eve had the perfect family. Satan told Eve to eat of the forbidden tree and said that she would surely not die. Eve did eat from the forbidden tree, and later on she died. Don’t let Satan destroy your family.
Stay close to God and to the Lord’s family—the church. Don’t listen to the evil one when he wants you to feel defeated because you feel you are the only parent in your situation. Whether you are a single mom or a single dad, you are not the only parent—you are the other parent alongside God, our heavenly Parent.
A Lasting Impact
Remember the story we started with? The one where I had the discussion with my son about God being the father in our home? Brian was in the second grade when that happened. When he was going into his senior year of high school I decided I needed to have a sit-down talk with him. Little did I know how much what was said back then had impacted him.
Me: “Brian, I’m a little worried about you hanging around with Chris. He seems to be getting into a lot of trouble lately.”
Brian: “Mom, Chris is my friend. Remember when I was in second grade and we had that talk about God being the father in our home? You told me to talk to God and He would listen. Well, that night I went to bed, and I told God I was really lonely and I needed a friend. The next day Chris showed up in our class. We have been friends for ten years. I know God brought him into my life. I know he is having problems and getting into trouble, but we have been best friends for ten years and I won’t desert him now.”
Me: “Wow! I had no idea. I trust your judgment, son. Just be careful, and don’t let him get you into trouble.”
To be honest with you, I was so proud of that kid. He had taken to heart what I had said. He had studied God’s Word. And he had matured enough to make the complicated decision to stick by his best friend.
Who knew that a conversation with a seven-year-old would impact him for years to come? God knew. I have no doubt that God knew. As a follow-up, both boys graduated from high school. Both boys have gone on to lead exemplary adult lives. My son is a doctor in Texas. Chris has had a very successful career also.
GOING DEEPER
1. Stop and think for a minute about what you see in your mind when you hear the term broken home. Write down those words and then cross out the ones that don’t describe your home.
Read Jeremiah 18:1–6 and consider the following:
2. Kids need a place to call their home. A place where they belong. Where they can lay down their worries and burdens and just be enclosed in their space. Children’s personal space is important to their well-being. How will you allow each of your children to develop or design their personal space? (For example, in our home we went to the paint store, and each kid got to pick a paint color for their room. I helped each child paint their room.)
3. If your children live in two homes, encourage them to talk with the other parent about what they need in the other home. While you have no control over what happens in the other home, it’s important that your child be able to communicate with the other parent. If you have a good relationship with your ex-spouse, then talk about how each parent can help your children feel safe and comfortable in their living spaces.