A Father’s Plea
While this chapter deals mainly with the parent who doesn’t have custodial care, custodial parents can learn from this chapter also. Sometimes custodial parents must learn to accept the reality that there is another parent in their children’s lives. Whether you have sole custody or shared parenting, you’ve been deserted, or your child’s other parent has died, there is always something to be gleaned from Scripture.
Dwayne1 is an incredible father to his kids, even though they live quite a distance from him. He supports his children financially. He supports them emotionally. He has a good relationship with each of his children, some of whom are now adults. He prays for his kids and asks others to pray for them.
When Dwayne was married he was in the military and had to be away from his family several times for extended periods. After spending a year away from home on assignment overseas, he came home to a fractured family. Even though he had kept in touch with his wife and kids on an almost daily basis, his marriage was unraveling. He admits he didn’t have God in his life and says, “Without God in our relationship, it was doomed.”
Right after the separation, Dwayne’s wife lived just down the street from him. The kids could come and go at each house. This gave Dad an opportunity to influence his kids in life skills such as how to spend and save money. He went on humorous outings with his kids. He shared in our DivorceCare2 group how he talked to his kids about bullies and not being a bully, and about how to have friends and enjoy life. This was a great time for him and the kids.
After the divorce was final, the mother of his kids moved eight hours away. There wasn’t anything he could do about it. Dwayne joined our group at church after his ex-wife and kids had moved out of town. He was hungry to know more about the Lord, and he was lonely and missing his kids.
Dwayne impressed all of us in our DivorceCare group because of his tender attitude toward his kids and their mother. He didn’t harbor any ill will toward her, which was amazing because she almost bankrupted him. She had done a lot of financial damage while he was away serving our country for a year. Eventually he had to send her to a rehab facility. She had destroyed the family, and yet this tenderhearted man bore no animosity toward her.
Since he was still in the military, he couldn’t just pack up and follow the kids to another location. He stays in contact with his kids by phone. When they were younger, his children came every summer to spend time with him. All the kids came every other Christmas until the older kids got jobs of their own.
I’ll never forget the summer his daughter received the Lord Jesus Christ as her personal Savior. We had prayed for this child, and we rejoiced with this father that her belief in God and Christ was solid. We rejoiced with him when she was baptized at the end of vacation Bible school at our church.
Noncustodial Parents Can Still Influence Their Children
Many noncustodial parents feel left out of their children’s lives because they don’t live with them on a daily basis. It might be difficult for the noncustodial parent or the parent in a shared parenting situation to take an active role in the spiritual development of their children. Perhaps you are one of those parents. Whether your children live with you or not, it is your responsibility to impact their spiritual development. It may mean you get creative in pouring God’s truth into them. If your former spouse forbids you to have contact or talk about spiritual things, it is still your responsibility to pray for them on a daily basis.
Many dads have shared that they think it is their responsibility. Dwayne prayed fervently for all of his children. He lives a Christian life by studying God’s Word and leading a Bible study class at church.
Another dad, Barry Cummings, feels it is his responsibility to impact his daughter’s life by how he lives his life for the Lord. Below he shares his story and what he did to help himself move forward.
The moment I realized that I would not have my daughter with me every day was gut-wrenching. Soon after my separation I noticed a family making a custody exchange at a gas station, and it hit me hard. How would I stay connected during her away time when she was with her mom?
The first thing I could think of was to pray to my heavenly Father for guidance because He is the only one who has complete control over anything. Second, I was going to have to take the high road for my child’s sake and get along with my soon-to-be-ex. Third, being a child of divorce myself, I knew what not to do because of the mistakes my parents made with me. I immediately got involved with a DivorceCare group in my area to get help and encouragement to recover from my divorce.
My daughter was two years old when her mom and I divorced. I have been a Christian since 2001, and even before my daughter was born I prayed that she would be saved and follow the Lord. As she has grown up, I have tried to show her what a relationship with the Lord looks like. For me, I start my morning off with prayer time, devotional reading and Bible study. I wanted Tara to see her dad make our heavenly Father a priority. I found out that Tara really did pay attention to my actions.
Saturday mornings in the fall are exciting in Alabama, as we love our Crimson Tide football team. One Saturday there was an early kickoff at 11:00 a.m. As with most Bama games, I was having some folks over for it. As it would happen, Tara and I slept late that morning, and in a rush to get everything ready for our company, I skipped my devotion time. At the end of the evening, my beautiful six-year-old daughter asked me a tough question, “Daddy, why didn’t you read your Bible this morning?”
That cut me to my core. She was paying attention and taking it all in—the good and the bad. I had to apologize to my daughter and let her know that my priorities were wrong that day.
On Father’s Day, 2013, my sweet Tara walked the aisle and gave her life to Christ.
From a Distance or Nearby, Dads Have a Responsibility
These are only two of the men I know personally who believe it is important to impact their children’s lives for the Lord. Dwayne does it from a distance and Barry on a regular visitation schedule.
Another story a young friend shared with me is quite sad. She shared it as a prayer request for her friend, a young teen whose dad had remarried. After she felt like she was being forgotten, her dad invited her to go on a trip with him and his new wife. She was so excited and told all of her friends about it. Then he said, “You’ll have to earn your own money to pay for the trip.”
While she was a little upset she’d have to pay for it, she was still excited to think her dad wanted her on this trip, until he said, “I had my stepkids pay their own way, so you’ll have to do it too.” She said, “Wait! You took your stepkids on a trip before you took your own daughter?”
She was livid to say the least. She loudly declined the opportunity to go on the trip. Can you blame her? My young friend was very concerned about the girl’s welfare, and we prayed for her often. I don’t know what happened to this young teen, but I’d venture to say that she does not have a relationship with her father. This dad did not take his responsibility seriously.
A Single Parent in the Bible?
Let’s look at one man in the Bible who had to send his child to live with the child’s mother quite a distance away.
In Genesis chapter 16 we learn about Abram’s wife, Sarai, and her Egyptian maid, Hagar. When I first read about and studied Hagar, her story was uplifting to me because Hagar is actually the first single parent in the Bible. Not only was she the first single parent, she was also what might be called in today’s vernacular a surrogate parent.
Hagar caught my attention because when I first became a single parent, I felt more or less useless in the Christian realm. I felt I had failed God because, after all, He hates divorce. As it says in Malachi 2:16, “‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel.”
Because God hates divorce, I thought I didn’t fit in at church any more. Or maybe the church I attended didn’t accept me very well as a single, divorced parent. But when I read about Hagar I started thinking, “Hey, if a single parent is talked about in the Bible, maybe, just maybe, I’m going to be okay.” I knew that God loved me and would never desert me, but still it helped tremendously to read about a single parent in the Old Testament.
Let’s Look More Closely at This Story in the Bible
Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; so she said to Abram, “The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her.”
Abram agreed to what Sarai said. So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian maidservant Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. He slept with Hagar, and she conceived. When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress.
Genesis 16:1–4
In order to fully understand where God is coming from in this story with Abram and his firstborn son, go back and read the entire sixteenth chapter of Genesis. As you read, you’ll see that Sarai took matters into her own hands. It wasn’t God’s design that Hagar give Abram children. It was Sarai’s idea. But then in 16:5 we read, “Then Sarai said to Abram, ‘You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me.’”
We always pay a price when we don’t follow God’s design for our lives. Sarai was paying this price when her maid began to despise her. Sometimes, however, as in Hagar’s situation, it is not our choice. Hagar was given to Abram by Sarai, and even if she didn’t want to be the surrogate parent, it wasn’t up to her. Some of us didn’t want to be a single parent either, but because of another person’s doing, this is where we ended up. We will talk more about Hagar in chapter 12, but for now, let’s concentrate on Abram and Ishmael.
“So Hagar bore Abram a son, and Abram gave the name Ishmael to the son she had borne. Abram was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore him Ishmael” (Genesis 16:15–16).
What do we learn about Ishmael from this passage?
God allowed Ishmael to be born, but He had other, bigger plans for Abram. Later, in the seventeenth chapter of Genesis, God lays out His plan.
Abram walked faithfully and blamelessly before the Lord. When Abram was ninety-nine years old the Lord appeared before him. This is when the Lord told him He would make a covenant with Abram and make him the father of many nations.
Abram fell facedown, and God said to him, “As for me, this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations. No longer will you be called Abram; your name will be Abraham, for I have made you a father of many nations. I will make you very fruitful; I will make nations of you, and kings will come from you. I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you.”
Genesis 17:3–7
God goes on to explain in Genesis 17:15–16 that Sarai, who will now be called Sarah, will be the mother of this new nation.
Imagine the confusion a ninety-nine-year-old man must have felt. All these years his wife had been barren. He has a thirteen-year-old son by his wife’s maidservant, and now God is telling him that his ninety-year-old wife is finally going to conceive a son? Abraham fell facedown and laughed (v. 17).
Then Abraham Remembers His Son, Ishmael
Abraham then becomes concerned about his only son to date, Ishmael. Abraham could have just written Ishmael off. He could have thought that now with his wife having a child, Hagar and Ishmael could move along. But Abraham doesn’t forget about Ishmael. Abraham asks God to bless his son. Have you asked God to bless your children?
What exactly does it mean to “bless” a child? For our purposes in this lesson, let’s use the idea of watching closely over somebody and declaring approval and support for someone.
And Abraham said to God, “If only Ishmael might live under your blessing!” Then God said, “Yes, but your wife Sarah will bear you a son, and you will call him Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him. And as for Ishmael, I have heard you: I will surely bless him; I will make him fruitful and will greatly increase his numbers. He will be the father of twelve rulers, and I will make him into a great nation.”
Genesis 17:18–20
Abraham, the father of Ishmael, asks for blessings for his son. He is promised so much from God, but he still asks that God bless Ishmael. In our day and age, this father’s plea to God for his son should be an example for fathers the world over.
Many people don’t know what to ask for when bestowing a blessing upon their child. When I was with a group of single parents, I asked them how they thought single dads could bless their children today. Here is the list they shared:
I’m sure you can come up with more ideas of ways to bless your children.
Think about it: God had just told Abraham that he was going to be the father of many nations, but Abraham takes the time to ask, “But what about Ishmael—can’t you bless him?” In other words, Abraham remembers his son. What an awesome testimony to a father’s love. He could very well have just forgotten all about Ishmael and gone on with his life.
In today’s world, many fathers (and mothers also) seem to forget about their children when they remarry, get a big promotion at work, or move across the country with a new spouse. What if Abraham lived in our world today? Do you think he still would have remembered his son by the surrogate?
One Dad’s Story of Remembering His Child
Many fathers who don’t live with their children still take their role seriously. Here is one personal testimony of Jackson Hardy, a father who works at being the spiritual leader for a child he has to share with a person in another home.
As a single father, I am reminded in Deuteronomy that I am to teach my children to hear God’s words and learn to revere God and follow all His commandments all their lives and teach them to their children.
And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
Deuteronomy 6:6–7 RSV
I think that as a single Christian father, the most important job I have is still being the spiritual head of my household, and I am commanded to bring the Word into my children’s lives.
If I fail at this command, I remember the passage in Exodus 34:6b–7:
The LORD God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children’s children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.
Exodus 34:6–7 KJV
Who would want to bring that burden to their family’s future generations?
Just as the Lord expects me to abide by my covenant with Him, I have a responsibility to society to provide care, food, clothes, and shelter for my offspring.
Parental Conflict3
Instead of putting kids first and trying to bless their children, a lot of fathers and mothers get wrapped up in custody disputes, mediation, and court battles, where the child pays a big price for the discord.
Many things affect children when parents divorce. However, there is one big, overwhelming variable that causes kids of divorce angst and anxiety—and that is when parents continue to war with each other. Parental conflict affects children for many years to come.
When parents continue to fight, that does several things to the children in the family.
Some research shows that children as young as six months can be affected by parental conflict. Babies sense something is wrong. Loud and angry voices can be scary. The infant can feel the emotions of the parents. The baby or toddler cries out of fear, and this upsets the parents even more, leading to a vicious circle where sleep and calm routines are affected by the stress of the parents fighting.
Children and teens have shared with me they have experienced parents exhibiting the following during conflict:
Do you think these kids are learning to problem solve? More than likely they will only repeat what they see their parents do.
The Fatherless Generation
I realize that not all noncustodial parents are fathers, but since most are, I think it’s important to talk about the huge issue of fatherlessness in our country today. Our society is suffering from a fatherless generation. When we look at the most troubled segments of our young population—suicides, runaways, dropouts, etc.—some legacies of children raised without fathers directly involved are clear.
In Kathy Rodriguez’s book Healing the Father Wound we read, “We as a society reap the consequences of a fatherless generation whether we like it or not. The woundedness is there all around us and in us. If we are to prevent the effects of fatherlessness from spilling to the next generation, healing in our nation must bind up the brokenhearted who suffer from father woundedness, and also provide men with powerful hands-on guidance in effective fathering.”5
We don’t have to be this wounded in our world today. Not all children raised in fatherless homes experience the legacies listed above. There are many fathers who do take responsibility for their children and stay connected to their children after a divorce. However, there are many more fathers who do not take responsibility, or take very little. Research is showing that fathers who cohabitate with a child’s mother are less likely to stick around as the child grows. It appears, as one minister said, we have fathers with hard hearts.
Abraham is a good example of a father who provided for his son when his son had to be sent away. It appears Abraham had a soft and caring heart for Ishmael. After Sarah gave birth to Isaac, she got very jealous of Ishmael and requested that Abraham send Ishmael and Hagar away.
“The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, and she said to Abraham, ‘Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac’” (Genesis 21:8–10).
What do you think Abraham thought about this demand? And what would you have done if you had been Abraham?
The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. But God said to him, “Do not be so distressed about the boy and your maidservant. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned. I will make the son of the maidservant into a nation also, because he is your offspring.” Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and then sent her off with the boy. She went on her way and wandered in the desert of Beersheba.
Genesis 21:11–14
For Noncustodial Parents
As a noncustodial parent, you may sometimes be confused about what your role is. Be aware that you still have a strong influence on your children, regardless of how often you see them. While it’s not easy, other noncustodial parents have done it. Your children are very aware of your actions and decisions regarding their lives, and they know if you pray for them. Be involved, and consistently reassure them of your love, not only with your words but also with your actions.
As for Ishmael, God did provide for and take care of him. When Ishmael and Hagar were traveling to be with her people, they got lost in the desert of Beersheba. They lay down to die, but God heard their cries and provided a well of water, and He must have provided safety for them as they traveled.
“God was with the boy as he grew up. He lived in the desert and became an archer. While he was living in the Desert of Paran, his mother got a wife for him from Egypt” (Genesis 21:20–21).
We can assume from reading Genesis 25 that Ishmael must have maintained a relationship with his father. At Abraham’s death Ishmael was there with his brother Isaac to bury his father. “Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years; and he was gathered to his people. His sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah near Mamre, in the field of Ephron son of Zohar the Hittite” (Genesis 25:8–9).
As you read more about Ishmael in Genesis 25:12–18, you will see that he lived a long life and was blessed with twelve sons. “These were the sons of Ishmael, and these are the names of the twelve tribal rulers according to their settlements and camps. Altogether, Ishmael lived a hundred and thirty-seven years. He breathed his last and died, and he was gathered to his people” (Genesis 25:16–17).
If you are a noncustodial parent, spend time this week in prayer seeking out what the Lord expects and wants of you regarding the children who do not live with you.
If you know noncustodial parents, pray for them this week. Pray for their comfort and for their relationship with their children. You might try giving them a call to encourage them and share some of the concepts in this lesson.
“Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate” (Psalm 127:3–5).
Warning: Do not use this chapter to beat your ex over the head!!!
GOING DEEPER