Asking for Help
She came to a picnic, but she stood off to the side. She watched her kids but didn’t attempt to interact with the other single parents. At the end of the evening, she packed up her kids, barely said good-bye, and left. There was something different about her. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was definitely bothering her.
All night I kept thinking about this lady. The Lord would not let go of me, and the next morning I called a pastor friend and said, “I need for you to go visit a single mom1 with me today. We need to go as soon as we can. I’m really worried, and the Lord is telling me we need to go see her.”
He consented to meet me at the lady’s apartment.
She invited us in, and her apartment was immaculate. Now, she had three children, so by all rights, her apartment shouldn’t have been that clean. Two of the kids were at the apartment park, and her toddler was taking a nap.
I asked how she was doing, and she said, “Oh, I’ve just been cleaning and putting things in order.” When she said that I knew what was going on. She was planning on taking her own life. That is why the Lord wouldn’t let go of me. He knew.
As my pastor friend talked to her, I checked out her fridge. It was empty. No food for her kids. No milk, nothing. I looked in the kitchen pantry, and it was basically empty. I checked on the toddler, who was sound asleep. There were no toys, no clothes anywhere. It was eerie.
As she talked, her story began to reveal the full truth of her situation. Her husband had come home from a trip and told her he was moving out and relocating to another city with his partner. He revealed he was gay and had been for a long time. He packed up his belongings and left the family. He left her no money, didn’t want the kids, and abandoned her and their family. She explained she didn’t know how she was going to feed her kids. Eventually she told us she had planned on taking her life after she put the kids to bed that night.
Right away, my friend had some food brought in. We contacted relatives to come and stay with the kids, and we had the mom hospitalized. This was a mom who couldn’t ask for help. Evidently, because of the shock of finding out her husband was gay, her brain shut down and she couldn’t think her way out. She was vulnerable and in shock.
Single parents, for the most part, are an independent group. We have to be in order to survive and parent our children alone. Sometimes it is okay to ask for help. Sometimes it is necessary to ask for help.
Sometimes we are too proud to get help, and our children suffer. I was one of those “too proud” people. More than once the Lord had to teach me it wasn’t about me but about my kids, and sometimes it was about being an example to other single parents.
In my opinion it takes a lot of energy and bravery to ask for help. I’ve worked with and ministered to single parents for more than fifty years, and just about the time I think I’ve experienced every situation, something new pops up. But while I think it is a new situation, really, every situation is covered in some form in God’s Word. The story of the woman who approached Elisha about the creditors coming to take her kids to pay her dead husband’s bills is a unique single-parent story and is one from which we all can learn.
In 2 Kings 4:1–7 we read,
The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he revered the Lord. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.”
Elisha replied to her, “How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?”
“Your servant has nothing there at all,” she said, “except a little oil.”
Elisha said, “Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few. Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side.”
She left him and afterward shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring.
When all the jars were full, she said to her son, “Bring me another one.”
But he replied, “There is not a jar left.” Then the oil stopped flowing.
She went and told the man of God, and he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left.”
Let’s take a moment to take this story apart. What does “company of the prophets” mean? The NIV Study Bible reference note for 2 Kings 4:1 leads us to 1 Kings 20:35, and in the note for that verse we learn that a group of prophets were religious men who grouped together,2 and in this instance they were dedicated to Elisha and considered him their mentor. The wife referred to her husband, who was part of the company of prophets, as Elisha’s servant or follower. Her husband loved, respected, and was dedicated to the Lord.
We can learn from this widow that it is important to know whom to approach for help. It is also important to note that she wasn’t hesitant or shy about stating her case.
First of all, she approached the prophet. Second, she reminded him that her husband was one who served the prophet. Third, she stated her need: There was a debt, and the creditors were coming to take away her boys to be slaves until the debt was paid.
Mosaic law allowed for servitude as a way to pay debts (Exodus 21:1–2). So when she said, “to take my two boys as his slaves,” it literally meant that they were going to take her sons and make them slaves to pay off the debt. Can you imagine someone coming to your home and saying, “Hey boys, pack up your belongings; tell your mom good-bye. You are going to be our slaves and work for us”?
At this time in history, women had no way of earning money. The creditors must have been ruthless. Imagine what this mom must have been going through—grieving, worried, and maybe even panicked. Personally, I don’t think she felt sorry for herself. She knew she had to do something. If she had been too proud to ask for help, her boys would have suffered.
It is important to notice that the prophet of God didn’t just give money to this woman to pay her debts; he wanted her to be a part of the solution. Elisha asked the woman what she wanted him to do. Then he asked her what she had in her house.
The prophet told her to ask her neighbors for a lot of empty jars, go inside, shut the door behind her and her sons, and pour the oil into the jars. As each was filled, she was to put it aside until eventually all the jars were full. It is amazing that when all the jars were gone, the oil stopped flowing. Isn’t that so like God?
After the Oil Ran Out
After the oil ran out, the widow went back to Elisha for more instructions. She probably said something like, “We used all the jars. The oil stopped flowing; now what do I do?”
The man of God then told her to sell the oil and go pay all of her debts and live on what was left over.
Oil was a very precious commodity back then. It was probably olive oil that the widow had reserved for cooking. She ended up with enough oil to keep her sons from being sold into slavery and enough left over to live on after all the debts were paid.
Types of Needs
Many single parents need financial assistance, but there are other areas of need as well. Perhaps you are a dad who needs help finding your daughter a certain dress or costume for a play.
Or you are a dad and your daughter has her first menstrual period. What do you know about shopping for this stuff? Do dads even do this? William, a father of three children, says, “Yes, I was the dad who went in the store and bought stuff for my daughter’s menstrual period.” A brave man, for sure.
Or maybe you wake up to find the water supply line to your water heater has ruptured, and you are clueless about what to do while the water is spewing all over the house.
Or maybe you are a single mom, and your son asks about dating.
How do you handle these kinds of situations by yourself? Like the widow in our story, you trust God and you ask for help.
What Can We Learn from the Widow?
Everyone has problems or situations that require outside assistance, and we can learn from this widow how to go about getting our needs met.
First of all, the widow approached the prophet. Know where to go for assistance and whom to ask. Do you go to the senior pastor of your church? Or do you go to the head of a certain ministry or committee?
Do you go to a government program such as welfare? Some single parents will need temporary help from the government, and there is nothing wrong with this. But first pray about where and to whom the Lord would have you go.
I know a lot of single moms and dads who are receiving government assistance through various programs. Every state is different, so check to see what is available in your state. Be very cautious, though, because it is easy to rely too much on outside assistance.
I had a hard time asking for any kind of assistance. When I was a single mom, one day I got a call from the middle school counselor, who was concerned that my son was hungry. She said he was so skinny and that he kept eating food off other kids’ plates. She knew I was a single mom and suggested I apply for the free or reduced lunch program.
I told the counselor that I gave each of my kids enough money for lunch and school supplies. I also told her I kept peanut butter and bread along with fruit and other lunch items if Brian chose to make his lunch. But after Brian and I talked about it, I opted to apply for the free lunch program. It was a humbling experience for me.
After approaching the prophet, the widow reminded him that her husband was one who served the prophet, and then she explained her situation. Explain to the person you are asking for help what has happened. Discuss what your needs are, and if you are in a crisis situation explain how you got there.
But also go before the Lord and remind Him that you are doing all you know how to do. Ask God what He would have you do. If you are serving Him, remind Him of your service. God knows you are struggling to raise your children, but He wants you to depend on Him and He wants you to ask Him for what you need.
“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them” (Hebrews 6:10).
How do you think this Scripture applies to your life or your situation? Take a few minutes to pray about it.
The widow stated her need to Elisha, letting him know that she was in debt and that the creditors were coming to take away her boys to be slaves. State your case with boldness.
“Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).
When you need help,
Bobbi, a single mom, came to church one Sunday morning. She parked her car, and just when she opened the door to get out, the back windshield exploded. She had no idea why. Thankfully her kids weren’t hurt, but she was pretty shaken up when she came into church. Some of the men from the church walked out to her car to inspect it and calm her down. Since there was a lot of road construction going on at the time, the only thing the men from the church could figure was a large truck must have kicked up a rock that struck her back windshield. When she opened the door, it released just enough pressure to explode the windshield.
Later in the week she approached the church about helping her pay for it. She’d found out her insurance covered the front window but not the back. She brought an estimate from a local garage, and she knew how much she could afford and how long it would take to get it fixed. It was an older car and pretty expensive, but she had done her homework and was prepared. The men’s Bible study class came up with the money to fix her windshield, and they were impressed by the research she had done beforehand.
Single Parents Need Help at Home
When the widow told the prophet what was in her house, he had some advice—she should include her sons. She could have excused her sons and tried to do it all herself, but she listened to what the prophet told her.
Many single parents tend to think they have to do everything or “juggle every ball,” as Sandra Aldrich says in her book From One Single Mother to Another.3
Early on in my single-parent life, I learned I was going to need some help around the house. When my kids were eight and twelve, I took them into the laundry room.
I said, “Today I’m going to teach you how to do your own laundry. This is the washer, and this is the dryer.” To which they replied, “Real funny, Mom. We know that.” I went on, “But what you don’t know is how to use them. So, I’m going to explain every detail of doing your own laundry.”
I proceeded to explain how to sort the clothes, how to put the soap in the washing machine, when and how to add bleach, how to put clothes in the dryer, how to clean the lint trap, etc. I then told them that from that point forward they were going to be responsible for doing their own laundry.
My son jumped on this task right away, although I did have to go over it with him again later when I discovered he was washing one pair of pants or one shirt at a time.
On the other hand, my daughter went almost two weeks without washing her clothes. She came home one day and said, “Mom, my friends are starting to complain and say my clothes smell. I guess I better do my laundry.” Now this would have been the time for many parents to chime in with all kinds of complaints and say, “I told you so,” but I just listened and watched as she stuffed all of her clothes in the washing machine. (I knew that her red shirt was going to cause her white clothes to turn pink.)
Then she waltzed off to her room. The whole evening went by, and she never put her clothes in the dryer. I went to bed that evening wondering what would happen.
The next morning, as usual, she slept late. She rushed downstairs and shrieked, “Mom, did you put my clothes in the dryer?” She then crammed all of her clothes in the dryer at once. At this point it was really hard for me to keep my mouth shut. It was a cold winter morning in Oklahoma when she walked to the bus stop, standing there in jeans that were damp around the waist and down the seams. She had on a summer blouse she’d found in a drawer in her room and a lightweight sweater.
It was a hard lesson to teach and a hard lesson to learn. But later, as a military mom, my daughter taught all three of her boys to do their own laundry early on. The youngest was only four years old when he was doing his own laundry. Life lessons carried on to the next generation from this single mom!
Some single parents do all of the chores because they feel guilty for their poor little kids. If you are one of these single parents, you are not doing your children any favors. You are actually hindering their development.
Children need to learn to be part of society, and their society when they are children is your family. Children need to feel they belong. Russell Moore, in the article, “Parenting and Work: Helping Our Children Gain a Sense of Belonging,” explains, “Work is a part of helping our children see where they fit in our family, in order to gain a sense of belonging.”4
Contributing to something greater than yourself helps you to feel better about yourself. There is value in real work. Don’t make up some easy task for your child, but give your child chores that fit his developmental level.5
The widow in our story had to work, and her sons had to help. This is a life lesson we can learn from the Bible. Take this lesson seriously and set up your household so that everyone assists with the chores. This concept also applies to parents who co-parent their children. Each home needs to allow the children to contribute.
Sandra Aldrich6 writes in From One Single Mother to Another, “Counselors and child experts remind us that children who have time on their hands aren’t happy. We know that those who have no chores and no responsibilities tend to quarrel much more than those who have to be busy around the home.” It might be that the kids who don’t take on any responsibility are bored. The parent in the home is exhausted and simply doesn’t have time for the kids, so the kids quarrel and fight with each other.
More than likely if the widow in 2 Kings had collected more jars, she would have had more oil. The Lord knew how much oil the widow needed. He knows what you need. It can be hard not to compare our families with other families and wonder why ours hasn’t been blessed in a particular way. But continue to trust God. Remember His words, “And the Lord said, ‘I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the Lord, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion” (Exodus 33:19, emphasis added).
God is always there. That doesn’t mean that God gives us all of our wants, but He does provide for our needs.
The story of the widow gives you a picture of how God can demonstrate privately and intimately His mercies to your single-parent family.
“Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:12–13).
After Joseph and I helped the lady at the beginning of this chapter get help, we never heard from her again. Her relatives lived in another town, and they took in the mom and the kids. I have no ending to this story except to say the Lord directed me. I listened, and a deeply hurting single mom and her kids were helped.
“As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength” (Psalm 138:3 NLT).
GOING DEEPER
1. When the woman realized the creditors were going to take her sons, what do you imagine were some of her thoughts? List some of the feelings and thoughts this mom must have had.
2. When Elisha asked the woman what she wanted him to do for her,
3. If you are using this book as a study with others, make a list of things single parents need help with in our world today. Or make a list of things you and your children need.
4. If you are in a church that struggles with knowing how to provide for single parents, brainstorm some ways a church can minister to single parents through practical means. Examples include:
5. Even though Scripture doesn’t tell us the widow in our story went on to help other widows, wise single parents who have been helped will want to offer their services to the church. What are some ways you can give back after you have been helped?