| |
Jordan
My hand is flat against the bathroom door. A deep breath leaks from my lungs before I step into the room. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to talk about cheating boyfriends and broken hearts.
Natalie’s sitting on the cracked tile counter, her head down, her hair hanging like a curtain. She’s bent forward with her forearms on her knees, and I clear my throat to get her attention.
“I broke up with him,” she says flatly. The words echo off the wall and through me.
“Good.” I move to lean against the counter, but the closer I am to her, the more uncomfortable I become. “That’s good,” I repeat to fill silence.
“How many times did you take her back before it was over?” Nat suddenly snaps her gaze to me as if I have all the answers to all of life’s questions.
I grip the pen that hangs around my neck. “I’m not sure if it is over, Natalie. I couldn’t say with any certainty that I’m done taking her back.”
Chancing a look, Nat has her bottom lip sucked into her mouth while she thinks over my statement. Saying it’s over is an empty threat. It’s not over until it’s over. I learned that the last time Annie left.
“If you walk out that door, Annabeth, don’t ever expect to come back.” I tried to sound stern. I tried to make myself believe the words I had spoken. I could see Lane standing in the half open doorway to his room, but I refused to take more than a glance. His head leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed across his chest. I forced myself to focus on Annie’s deep, defiant eyes. The thing with Annie is that she honestly believed that every time she left, it was the last time.
“I don’t want to come back, Jordan. We’re done. For real this time...” She spun and slammed the door in my face the second time we broke up. Three months later there was a note slipped in my locker.
I need to talk to you. He doesn’t get it. I feel like you’ll understand...
“It’s messed up, eh?” Nat’s reverberating voice brings me back, but the nausea doesn’t fade. What if she does come back again? I shake the thought and focus on Nat.
“What is?”
“Love. The shit we put up with to feel it.”
I take a deep breath and twist my body to face her. Taking her hand in both of mine, I tell her the only truth I know.
“I’ve been angry, Natalie. Since the first fight Annie and I ever had, I’ve been angry. But not at Annie. I’ve been angry with every pity filled look from my brother. Every snide comment from Hector, or Rick, or basically everyone at school. I’ve been unimaginably pissed off at anyone who thought they knew what was best for my heart.” I squeeze her fingers, and her eyes widen to make room for the building tears. “I write words better than I speak them, so I can’t give you advice. I can’t tell you it will be okay because I don’t know that. I don’t even know if I’m going to be okay. I can’t lie to you. I won’t feed you some bullshit, happily ever after story because you’re too good for that. You’re too smart for that.”
Natalie slides off the counter as the tears slip off her cheeks. “I’m not smart, though, Jordan. Twice. I let him do it twice. Smart people don’t let these things happen to them.”
I take Nat’s shoulders. “Annie left me for the fifth time this morning. She has another boyfriend, one other guy, and she goes back and forth. From me to him, and him to me. She loves us both, and we know about each other. We always have. It's not really that either of us are smart or dumb. We choose to take her back. We choose.”
“I couldn’t live with that. I couldn’t live with knowing Aaron loved someone else.” Nat sucks in a deep breath, and I force a smile through the cracks in my soul. She’s so much better than I am. She’s so much farther along than I am.
“Then don’t,” I say and grip the pen around my neck. “Write your own ending. No one else can do it for you.”
She flings her arms around my waist, and I hug her tight while she cries. Even through her hug I can feel her strength. She’s going to be fine. The way she so assuredly spoke her limits is the reason she’s going to be okay.
But I’m not going to tell her that; she’s not ready to hear it.