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Jordan
“Everything made of nothing,” Evan mutters as she draws the last of her constellation.
“Waiting to be filled with something,” I add. She spins around so she's looking directly at me, but I don’t step back.
“I wish I knew what that something was.”
I laugh, and it chips at the tension that’s filled every available molecule of space inside my bedroom. “That would be easy.”
“Nothing about my life is easy.”
There’s a thick silence that lingers between us, and it takes me mere seconds to replay the whole night, every crazy detail.
“What?” she says, her lip twitching into a sad but curious smile. Thoughts of her crash down on me. Drowning in her pained eyes, I’m overtaken by her. I’m swallowed by her fragile beauty and in awe of her untamable strength. Seeing into her eyes now, free of those locks and bars, I’m shamed by my own fears. I’m ashamed of my lies and secrets. I see in her reflection everything I want to be and all the ways I couldn’t get there.
Let go of your throne, Cassiopeia, and fall with me into the unknown.
I cup her cheeks and kiss her, desperately true and passionately real. Her arms go around my waist, and it’s as if I’d never kissed anyone before. As if Annie never existed.
Evan pulls as hard as I do. She kisses me back with the same intensity. She matches my desperation and my movements with equal strength.
Equal.
Balanced.
She leans back abruptly and sucks in a ragged breath but doesn’t let me go.
“I can’t save you,” I say, and it shocks us both.
“I don’t need you to save me.” She takes my face in her hands with a smile, but I can’t return it.
“It’s what I do, Evan. I need to be needed. I need to be the savior. Time after time I took Annie back because I thought I could save her.” My confession is clawing its way out no matter what, the words hooking their talons into my throat to climb to the surface. “But I can’t save you. No words I could say or write will heal you. Nothing. We could fill the word to the bursting point, and it wouldn’t matter.”
She’s frowning at me, so I take her hips and move her from the dresser to the bed. She lays back slowly, every movement showing exhaustion, and I lay beside her, propped up with one arm.
“Jordan,” she starts, but I lean in to kiss her again. I only want a moment to enjoy it. To enjoy her and this feeling of calm she brings me. My kisses leave her mouth and trail her jaw and neck until she tenses. I hover over her, my finger hooked in the neckline of her hoodie about to place a kiss on her collarbone when I see the tip of the scar from her surgery. I quickly let go of the fabric.
“Sorry,” I say and sit up, suddenly reminded of her fragility. Worried not about the scar but about hurting her.
She sits up, too.
“It’s okay. I don’t hide the scars because I am ashamed of them. I hide them because they make other people uncomfortable.”
My heart thunders, and I want to tell her that they don’t bother me. I’m not afraid of her scars. I don’t get the chance to say anything as she crawls onto my lap and puts her arms around my neck.
“And I need to say something before we do anything else.”
“What’s that?” I ask. She kisses me.
“You should go to school in London.”
I flop backward. She lowers herself next to me and rests her head against my chest.
“I know I should.”
She traces little patterns over my stomach while I run my fingers lazily through her hair.
“So why don’t you?” Her head tilts up. “You got a full scholarship. And Hector implied you have money by saying you can afford to do nothing.”
My fingers stop midway through her hair. “My brother and I are more than okay for money, yeah. I’m mean, we are in no way rich or anything. My dad was a banker. We had trust funds from Mom’s life insurance money. He gave it all to us. I was given access to the trusts on my eighteenth birthday.” I absently twist a strand of her hair around my finger and let the words pour from me fast, to get them out.
“I’m sorry, Jordan. I didn’t mean to pry.” Evan balls my shirt in her fist. I take her hand and lace my fingers through hers.
Studying the ceiling, I count all the little glitter pieces embedded in the stucco and sigh.
“I’m afraid of letting go,” I finally say. “I’m afraid to let go of what I used to have. Who I used to be. I’m afraid to let go of my fear because it’s easier to be afraid where I am than fight for where I want to be. It’s easier to fix other people than to fix myself.”
“At least your future doesn’t depend on the eventual death of a stranger.” The words are so blatantly honest that it stings.
“I’m sorry, Evan. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this.”
She fights tears, and I lean in for a kiss. Our time is running out fast, and I want as many kisses as I can get, but there’s something I need to do first. I grab my cell and hold it in the air above our heads as I type.
Jordan: Hector. We need to talk about London.
I hit send and toss the phone onto a pile of clothes on the floor. Evan smiles; real and genuine.
“I don’t know if I’m going to go to school, yet. I missed enrollment, but Hector wants me there for recording this summer. To help them write some songs. That I think I can commit to.” I grin at her, and she touches my lips lightly, like she’s checking if it’s real. “I could probably use a little vacation. Some time away to write...without Annie.”
Evan’s fingers fall from my cheek. “I think that’s probably a good idea. Being alone is pretty awesome. A lot of freedom. A lot.”
I roll Evan on top of me, and she giggles as my fingers dig into the skin of her hips. She stares down, her hair falling around both of our faces like our own private shield from the world, and I feel like I did at the diner—like I’m the only thing she sees.
“Be careful when you look at me like that, Evan Jordans, or you might have a song written about you,” I tease.
“I’m okay with that.” She moves hair off my forehead, and her fingertips light a fire across my skin, like one of her shooting stars.
She guides me up to sitting and kisses me again so deeply I have to stop it. I did promise to be a gentleman.
I shift, and she leans, still straddling my hips.
“We only have a few hours left together, and you still haven’t told me everything about you.”
“I think you have all the most important details.”
I reach up to tuck a chunk of her hair behind her ear and guide her down to me until her lips are hovering above mine.
“I don't think I do.”