I run my fingers through my hair nervously. A ball of concern lodges in my throat. My to-do list is too long. My responsibilities stacking up until I feel like they’re going to drag me under.
Two courses at the Art Attic.
My commitment, three nights this week, to Primrose.
Gran’s caretaker. Her birthday party.
Planning the family dinner for my brother’s arrival.
My showcase pieces, which mean the world to me.
The messages from high school friends I’ve been blowing off.
And Cole. Cole. Cole. Cole.
I haven’t seen him all week and I miss him. I miss the way I feel when I’m with him—free and uninhibited. Present and swept up in a lightness that leaves me breathless and reeling and grateful.
I tap my fingers on the edge of the table, my third mug of coffee next to my hand. I’m jittery, anxious, and on edge, wondering how the hell I’m going to cram all the things I need to do in the teeny, tiny allotment of time I have until I need to head to The Honeycomb and sell cupcakes.
I blow out a deep breath.
Celine: Hi, babe. I fly in the morning of the party. Sorry I can’t come earlier but my schedule is bananas. Can I bring you anything from L.A.?
Shit! I need to tell Beau that Celine is attending Gran’s party! I’ve been waiting for the right time to broach the subject, but considering there is no right time, I’ve been avoiding it.
Brody: Blake and I land at 4 PM. Can you pick us up from the airport?
I gulp, fanning myself. Can I make that work? What am I supposed to do? Not greet my brothers at the airport when I haven’t seen them in four months?
Cole: What do you call a fly with no wings?
I crack a smile. How can Cole distract me from the million things I need to focus on with a silly joke?
Me: I’m stressing. But, what?
Cole: A walk.
Cole: Why stressing?
Me: (Picture of my to-do list) (nervous face emoji)
My phone rings a second later.
I pick up. “Hi.”
“Hey, baby. Are you at the studio?”
“Yes. I finished class and am trying to work on a piece for the showcase and then, I need to head to the arena. Except the caterer called about Gran’s party, which, by the way, isn’t a surprise but she doesn’t know about all the family and friends flying in. I’m trying to coordinate my brothers’ flights so I can do one run to the airport, but I think Bodhi gets in earlier than Brody and Blake. I—”
“Take a deep breath for me,” Cole cuts me off, his tone soothing.
I frown.
“Do it,” he laughs.
I pull in a breath, hold it for a beat, and release it in a whoosh.
“Again,” Cole says.
I repeat the process.
“I’m looking at your to-do list.”
“And?”
“And I think it’s time to put your notice in at Primrose, babe.”
I roll my lips together. “I’ve been thinking that too…”
“What’s holding you back?”
I sigh. “Beau got me this gig to help me out.”
“And it did help you out.”
“Yeah, but leaving Noelle hanging feels ungrateful. Feels like I’m not looking out for Beau.”
“Has Beau said that?”
“No.”
“Is Noelle under the impression that you’re looking for a more permanent placement within Primrose?”
I think back to Noelle’s job offer and my bowing out of the option. “No.”
“Okay,” he says gently. “Babe, you can’t take on guilt for making decisions about your career. About what’s best for you to move forward. You’re going to burn out if you keep trying to balance all these jobs and obligations.”
“I know.” I huff. “I’m also scared.”
Silence ticks by. “Of?”
“I don’t want to jinx myself.”
“How is lightening your load jinxing yourself?”
I toss an arm out to the side even though I’m alone in the studio and no one can witness my exasperation. “You know, like I’m getting too cocky. Thinking too much of my ability to do this and—”
“You can do this.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. Baby, I believe in you. But you need to believe in you if you’re going to succeed. You need to know that you’re making the right decisions to move forward. Burnout and feeling stressed and overwhelmed is just as much of a jinx as taking your shot.”
“You’re making too much sense, Cole,” I lament the obvious.
He chuckles. “If you want this, you need to make decisions. Have a conversation with Noelle. Talk to your brother. I bet they both understand if you frame it the right way.”
“I know.” Deep down, I know he’s right. If I wasn’t spending three to four nights a week at The Honeycomb, I’d have that time to work on my showcase pieces. It would relieve a lot of the pressure I feel but making the decision to do it feels insurmountable.
Will Beau be angry? Will he think I’m making a mistake? In many ways, Beau raised me. He sacrificed for me. Even though he’s my brother, I want his approval. Sometimes, it feels like I need it in order to be successful.
My phone buzzes with an incoming text.
Beau: What time is family dinner before Gran’s party?
I need to make the damn reservation!
“Bea?” Cole asks.
Shaking myself out of my thoughts, I focus on our conversation. “Sorry. My phone keeps buzzing with messages, reminders of things I need to do.”
“I’ll let you go.”
“Okay. See you tonight?”
“Sorry, babe. I’m watching game-tape at Damien’s tonight. Tomorrow?”
I close my eyes. “I’m putting in extra time at the studio.”
“You need to decide how badly you want your pottery business.”
“Yeah.” Tears prick the corners of my eyes. Doesn’t he realize how hard it is for me to make this decision?
Cole sighs. “Bea, is disappointing Beau also disappointing yourself?”
I let out a shaky breath and squeeze my eyes closed, overwhelmed. “It feels that way.”
“Because Beau is your big brother?”
“Because he enlisted to help provide for my future,” I admit quietly. While Beau enlisted for other reasons as well, my desire to attend art school was a big consideration. As a result, I never want to let him down. I never want him to think I’m not grateful for his sacrifice.
“A future he wants you to embrace, to be successful,” Cole points out.
What if I give up a consistent gig and nothing comes of the showcase? Then I have to start the job-hunting process from scratch. Don’t give up your daydream for anyone. Noelle DiSanto’s words filter through my mind. I think Noelle will understand my desire to move on. But will Beau?
“Bea?”
Shit. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. Do what you have to do. Hopefully I’ll catch you after the game for a good night kiss.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “I’ll see you tonight.”
I hang up and stare at the piece in front of me. It’s a huge centerpiece bowl I want to make the focal point of my showcase. It’s intricate, with an ombre layering of natural colors. It requires my full focus, and my head is all over the place.
Bodhi: Yo! Your boy, Jay, just hit me up for some ink. Something about your name??? Y’all back together? Think this through, Bea. He’s NOT the one.
I drop my forehead to the edge of the table and groan. What the hell?
Why isn’t Jay accepting my decision? Why is my family messaging me nonstop? Why doesn’t anyone respect my time and understand I’m trying to create? To build something that means everything to me?
You need to believe in you.
I message Bodhi back.
Me: DO NOT tattoo anything on Jay. Talk when I see you.
Bodhi: You okay?
Me: Yes. Miss you.
Bodhi: We need to catch up, baby Bea. See you soon.
I heave out a sigh and clean up my workstation. Then, I head home to shower and change into my Primrose shirt. Before I leave Gran’s, I leave a message for Noelle DiSanto.
Cole’s right; it’s time I start making some decisions about my future.
Noelle was understanding and gracious about my two weeks’ notice. Even though giving notice does nothing to alleviate my current commitments and intense schedule, if the showcase goes well, it will pay off in the future when I have more time to create.
But I have to deliver for the showcase first. It hangs over my head like a raincloud, this massive make it or break it moment that I want so badly, my fingers itch to reach out and take it. To make it happen.
Noelle understood my feelings exactly and offered to look at my business plan and give advice. I jumped at the chance and left for The Honeycomb feeling much more positive about the future.
During a lull in business, I wrote out a new to-do list, prioritizing the most pressing items. Between the bustle of cupcake-purchasers, the cheers for the Thunderbolts, the whir of thoughts in my mind, and the messy scrawl of notes I jot down, the game passes quickly.
I’m wiping down the counter when Cole wraps his arms around me from behind.
Squealing, I spin in his arms, my chest brushing against his. I grin, glancing up at my big, strong, solid hockey player. “How’d you play?”
He kisses me. “I did all right.”
Barnes snorts, coming up beside us. “Rookie’s being modest. He killed it.”
Cole grins. It’s boyish and pleased and lets me know just how happy he is to hear the praise. I slug him in the shoulder. “Holding out on me, Cole?”
He taps my ass lightly. “Never.”
Beau appears, groaning. “Dude, don’t fucking paw my sister in public.”
Damien snickers as Cole wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into his side.
I hide my face in Cole’s side to conceal my laughter. Poor Beau isn’t used to seeing me as an adult, as a woman, capable of making my own choices.
“You guys want to head to Corks?” Damien asks.
Cole glances at me, lifting an eyebrow. He doesn’t want to press in case I have to beg off due to the stupid to-do list burning a hole in my pocket. My brother scowls at our non-verbal exchange.
I bite my bottom lip. Can I grab a drink and get in home in time to party plan?
Seeing my hesitancy, Cole makes a decision. Hugging me closer, he shoots a smile at Damien. “Not tonight, man. Bea and I are in full-on party planning.”
Beau’s eyes widen. “For Gran’s birthday?”
I blush. “Yeah.”
“I thought that was sorted,” my clueless brother says.
I shake my head. “Not yet. Who do you think is planning it all?”
Remorse ripples over his face as he realizes just how busy I’ve been trying to put all the pieces together. “I can help.”
Cole tips his head. “It’s all right, man. I got it. You said you have plans tonight.”
I’ve never seen Beau look so uncomfortable, out of his element before. He’s usually the guy who swoops in to help me, but now, that role has been filled by Cole. His eyes flicker between Cole and me. Finally, he sighs. “Yeah, sure. You need me, Bea?”
“Nah,” I say, relieved to be spending some much-needed time with my man. “Cole and I got it.”
“Sure,” Beau says, looking not sure at all.
Damien sighs. “You guys are really going to make me spend the night with Patton?”
I laugh. Cole grins. “See if you can rope Brawler into it. Maisy’ll do you a solid.”
“I have no idea how Maisy and Patton are such good friends,” Damien mutters.
Cole shrugs. “Enjoy drinks.”
Damien flips him off.
“You ready to get out of here?” Cole asks me.
“Yep.” I lock up the pop-up stand. “All set.” Reaching out, I squeeze my brother’s forearm. The reminder that I need to talk to him about Celine, about Primrose, flits through my mind. But at the confused, almost lost look on his face, I hold back. “You good?”
“Yeah, Bea.” He forces a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. Still shadowed, still haunted. “I’m good. Let me know if you need me.”
I lean closer to kiss his cheek. “Love you, Beau.”
He pulls me into a hug, holding on for longer than usual. “Love you too.”
When Beau releases me, he lopes off. I glance over my shoulder, trying to figure out what’s got him so twisted and down. I know it’s been a tough transition for Beau, but lately, he’s been more despondent than usual.
“Are you hungry?” Cole asks, taking my hand.
I turn away from Beau and look up at my boyfriend. “Starving.”
“Same. I’ve got some chicken breasts I’m going to grill. You good with that or want to swing by a restaurant and grab takeout?”
I scrunch my nose. Boring chicken breast? I swear, Cole does not make any exceptions. I think all the Primrose cupcakes filled his sweets quota for eternity. Will he even have cake at Gran’s party? I’m about to ask him when he adds, “Oh! I’ve got kale salad too.”
Yay. “That works.”
Cole squeezes my hand. “Perfect.”
My sarcasm goes over his head, but I shake my head, silently laughing. Cole Philips is the most committed, dedicated man I know. Who am I to question his methods when it’s clearly working for him?