“Trouble in paradise?” Bodhi asks on the way to the airport.
I shoot him a smirk before turning back to the road. I really wanted Cole to meet my brothers before Gran’s party. Tomorrow is going to be chaotic, with so many friends and family in town, and I want the focus on Gran. Not me and who I’m dating.
Since I haven’t introduced my family to anyone since Jay—and that was almost by default—a guy meeting my brothers is a big deal. I want them to have time to talk and get to know each other. Not a quick greeting as my brothers are all pulled into other conversations with friends who haven’t seen them in forever.
“Beau says you’re dating his teammate,” Bodhi adds.
“You’ll like Cole,” I promise.
“I haven’t met him yet so no opinion either way.”
I roll my eyes.
Bodhi rests his elbow on the center console, his ink on full display. “What’s going on, baby Bea?” He calls me my childhood nickname and for the strangest reason, tears prick the corners of my eyes.
Bodhi and I have always been close; he’s always the brother I turn to when I need advice. There’s so much sitting on the tip of my tongue, so many things I want to confide in him, but I don’t know how to start without it all spilling out.
I’m not sure if I’m ready for it all to spill out. Will he think leaving Primrose was the right decision? I still haven’t told Beau—about Primrose or Celine’s visit. Should I start with the courses at the Art Attic? Confide in him about the showcase? Right now, only Cole and my college roommate know I’ve been asked.
Or do I tell him about Jay and how Cole’s been on edge since my confession earlier this week? Emotionally, I’m rattled. I’m disappointed Cole isn’t coming tonight. It’s stupid though, he’s not coming to help me. I’m the one who delegated a bunch of tasks his way since I’m the one struggling.
“Bea?” Bodhi leans closer, concern heavy in his tone.
I shoot him another smile that falls flat. “I’m fine, really. Just, a lot going on.”
“Is caring for Gran too much? Do you need support?” The kindness in his tone almost breaks me. I hate myself for being weak, for wanting to break down.
My brothers have given me an amazing life considering I was orphaned at nine. It’s my turn to step up for them and I’m—what?—buckling under the pressure of having a shot at my dream career with my dream guy?
“No,” I say quickly, shaking my head. “Being home with Gran has been fine. Nice even,” I add, thinking about our lunches and dinners. “She’s in a good place and I love spending time with her. I’m happy you’re all here so we can celebrate her together tomorrow.”
Bodhi touches my elbow and I give him a quick look before merging onto the highway. “You know you can talk to me, right?”
“I know.”
“Is Jay giving you a hard time? About the new guy?”
I sigh. “Jay hasn’t been around in a while.” It’s technically true. Jay hasn’t appeared on Gran’s porch or at the Art Attic. But he has sent me a few texts. Telling me he’s sorry for how he handled himself. That he misses me. That he’ll never stop loving me. “But yeah, that’s part of it.”
Bodhi, misreading the severity of my statement, smirks. “Cole probably can’t stand him either.”
My throat tightens and I bite my lip. No one in my family liked me with Jay. It’s one of the reasons Beau and Bodhi encouraged me to apply to art schools outside of Knoxville. Silence descends between us as I process my thoughts and search for the words I want to share.
I open my mouth to tell Bodhi about what transpired with Jay. Maybe after that, I’ll tell him about the showcase. I’ll ask him to read my business plan. “Bodhi, I—” His phone rings and I clamp my lips together.
“Sorry, I gotta take this.” Bodhi answers the call. “Hey man, I’m glad you reached out.”
Bodhi spends the rest of the ride discussing a huge back piece with an important client. I can tell by the tone of his voice that his client is big-time and Bodhi wants to impress him. My brother is doing big things, inking professional athletes and popular musicians, sponsoring concerts at huge venues. He even made an appearance on a reality TV show. Bodhi’s the most natural resource for me to tap into.
I hesitated. I didn’t dive into the conversation when he gave me the opening to do so.
I bite my tongue until it hurts and blink back tears.
Why can’t I get it together? Why can’t anyone see that I’m desperate for more?
You need to believe in you.
Cole was right. More than anything, I wish he was here with me. He would know I’m struggling. He wouldn’t have taken the call but waited me out.
For years, I’ve tried to show my brothers that I’m a capable adult. That I can make sound decisions. I want them to be proud of me, to know that their sacrifices weren’t in vain.
But I’m floundering and it hurts. It also hurts that Cole isn’t here.
I pull into the airport parking and ease into a spot. Taking a deep breath, I remind myself that tonight’s dinner is one I’ve been looking forward to since we were last all together, four months ago. I’m not going to ruin it with anything dramatic or negative. Instead, I’ll hug my brothers, listen to their exciting lives, and be as supportive as possible.
The caring, doting, loving sister. The way I always am.
“Wait, you’re launching a new business?” Beau asks Brody over dinner.
Brody nods, finishing his bite of steak. “Yeah.” He points the tines of his fork toward Blake. “We’re still getting investors.”
“The tech part is pretty straightforward. It’s the legal jargon that’s taking forever.” Blake grins, taking a swig of his beer.
As the twins discuss their new venture, something to do with healthcare tracking, I try to think of an intelligent question to ask.
Beau rattles them off. Bodhi asks logical business questions. And I take it all in, my brothers in all their glory, feeling worse than I did in the car.
“What’s going on with you, baby Bea?” Brody asks as the server passes out dessert menus.
I open my mouth to tell him about the Art Attic, but Beau beats me to it. Pushing gently against my shoulder, he says, “She’s dating my teammate.”
“What?” Blake laughs, his eyes flashing. “Since when?”
“Do we like this teammate?” Brody asks.
“He’s a good guy,” Beau admits, begrudgingly. “Cares about Bea.”
“He treating you right?” Blake looks at me.
I nod, taking a sip of my Coke. “You’ll meet him tomorrow. Cole is—”
“Nothing like Jay, I hope?” Brody cuts in. I roll my eyes.
“Yo, I knew I forgot to tell you something, Beau. Jay tried to hit me up for ink,” Bodhi tosses out, shaking his head. “Imagine, he wants to tat Bea’s name, or a bumblebee or some shit, on his pec. And baby Bea’s got a new man.”
My brothers laugh and I feel my face heat, embarrassed but also hurt. Jay is a stressor hanging over my head. Cole is important to me. I want my brothers to take my relationship seriously, to recognize that I’m growing up and starting a new chapter in my life.
Instead, I order a slice of cheesecake and dull my fiery emotions in sugar and butter.
“Morning, buttercup.” Cole palms my ass as he comes up beside me.
I turn and smile, nestling into his side for a hug.
I stayed up late last night, restless. Sleep eluded me for hours as my mind churned. Why didn’t I tell my brothers about the showcase? Why didn’t I ask Bodhi for business advice? Why was I frustrated with Cole for not showing up when I knew he had a valid reason?
The whole ordeal left me reeling, feeling guilty and immature. Two things I despise.
“You good?” Cole keeps his arm wrapped around me as he kisses my temple.
I nod into his shirt, breathing in his cologne and holding it in my lungs.
“How was dinner?”
“Okay,” I say slowly, wondering how much to reveal. Is now the best time to talk about my brothers? We’re supposed to set up for Gran’s party. Bodhi took her out for lunch so she wouldn’t comment on the decorations. Or notice the friends and family arriving early to surprise her.
She has no idea two of her friends are coming into town. The three of them lived together on base when Grandpa served. It’s been years since she saw them and now, they’re all widows craving a reunion. I know their presence is the best gift we could give her besides our family attending. My cousins are arriving this morning along with aunts and uncles.
“What happened?” Cole pulls away, a frown etched between his eyebrows. “I swear to God, if Jay—”
“I didn’t tell my brothers about the showcase.”
Cole’s frown deepens. “Why not?”
I shrug, turning away and fiddling with a paper lantern. “What if I’m rushing into it? What if they’re not supportive? What if the showcase doesn’t go well? And”—I throw an arm out toward him—“isn’t it enough that they’re meeting you today?”
Cole’s eyes study me, perceptive as hell. “You’re disappointed I didn’t come to dinner.”
I sigh, my guilt escalating. I close my eyes. “I have no right to be.”
“But you wished I was there.”
“I wished you were there,” I admit.
Cole hugs me close again. “I’m sorry, Bea.”
“Don’t be. You were helping me. You were helping for this party.” I glance over at the pampas grass he brought.
He’s quiet for a long moment. “And I had a lift.”
“A lift?” I turn back to him.
He nods, his cheeks red. “I can’t get off track,” he says it like an apology. “I can’t lose hockey. Or you.”
“You’re not going to lose either.” I face him fully, trying to understand his expression. His concern.
He gives me a soft smile and pulls me into his arms again. Cradling me against his chest, he kisses me. “I love you, baby.”
“I love you too,” I reply, trying to grasp the subtext of our conversation.
An hour ago, I thought I was reeling; now I feel even more stressed. Cole’s here, helping me, showing up for me and yet…he couldn’t skip one extra lift? I frown as I study him, trying to understand if his motivation and dedication runs deeper than his commitment to the Bolts. Why is he so hell-bent on working out several times a day? He’d still be an incredible player if he missed a workout or a run once in a while…
“Can I help you set up? What’s our time frame?” Cole asks.
I heave out a breath and switch my attention to the party. Right now, Gran is my main priority. This party and being with my brothers and visiting with my family. Afterwards, I can figure out the nuances between Cole and me. I can worry about the showcase. I can make a new to-do list.