Cincinnati will double my salary. Fucking double it, overnight. Just like that, all of Uncle Kirk’s medical issues, the cost of care, the additional help, the time off work, goes away. Just like that I have salary incentives and a better shot with endorsements. I can step up and provide for my family, the way they’ve always given to me.
But fuck. I nearly plow into a hippy-looking woman with purple feathers in her ears.
“You okay, dude?” She frowns, looking at me like I’m an alien. At least she’s not asking for an autograph. The group that swarmed me earlier came out of nowhere and while it’s one of the most flattering things to happen to me, I’m not in the right headspace to enjoy it.
“Sorry,” I mutter, brushing past her. Where the hell am I? I spin in a circle. Booths and stands, colors and patterns, paintings and chimes, spin in my line of vision. Where’s Bea’s booth? Where’s my girl?
I move to the edge of the street and scan the event. It’s much bigger than I anticipated, with art connoisseurs, aspiring artists, and curious families mixing. I already know everyone who enters Bea’s booth will be impressed. She’s talented and this showcase is going to land her on the map. What opportunities will arise from today?
Will she stay here, in Knoxville? She promised she’d care for Gran so I don’t know how she can go anywhere else. But she’s always been honest about desiring more, about having experiences away from home.
If I move to Ohio, will our relationship work? How can it, with that much distance between us? Shit, if I turn down this offer, am I doing it for Bea? The thought unsettles me because she’s the reason I would stay.
Well, her and the Thunderbolts. The Cincinnati Serpents are tough. There’s no value for loyalty. There’s no family culture. They don’t have teambuilding sessions and field days. They pay money, demand perfection, and cut you when you fuck up.
I close my eyes again. Do I want to live under that type of pressure? Can I handle it?
If Uncle Kirk wasn’t laid out in the hospital right now, would the money be worth it?
“Hey!” Someone jostles my shoulder.
I open my eyes and see Beau.
“What’s going on with you today?” He frowns, his eyes narrowed with an edge of frustration. Of course, he’s annoyed; I’m not showing up for Bea the way I promised. The way I’m capable of.
I heave out a sigh, debating if I should tell him about my offer. I have to decide by tomorrow if I’m going to take it. Double the pay, but lose my girl. Help Uncle Kirk, but let down my team.
Would Beau understand? As former military, part of me thinks he would understand better than any of the other guys. He must have made tough calls; he must live with regrets. But my situation is different than any other guy on the team because I’m dating his sister. He has to care for her happiness over my financial stability.
Beau sighs. “Bea was offered a spot in the Landry Artistic Achievement program.”
“What’s that?”
He shakes his head. “Fuck if I know. It’s prestigious as hell. Four months living on some commune outside of Nashville, creating and being mentored all day.”
She’s leaving? Of course she is. The opportunities are already coming in; she’s earned them. “Is she gonna take it?”
Beau sizes me up. “Does it matter?”
“Of course it fucking matters,” I growl, yanking the back of my neck. If I stay and she leaves…but I can’t put that pressure on her. I’m either staying because I want to or leaving because it’s the right thing to do. For my family.
“You either love her or you don’t, Rookie. A couple of hours shouldn’t make or break y’all.”
“Yeah,” I mutter. Because Knoxville to Nashville isn’t a big deal. But what about Cincinnati to Nashville? Would that break us?
“She should take it,” Beau mutters. “She’s worked hard as hell for this chance. She’s been grinding a long time for this opportunity. I had no idea how passionate she is about it.” He shakes his head. “Or how talented. It’d be a waste if she turns it down, but all Bodhi told me was that she was invited. I don’t know what she’s decided.”
“Why wouldn’t she take it?” I mutter, my stomach sinking.
Now Beau’s looking at me like I’m an alien. “First, Gran.”
I nod. “Right.”
“But you want to know the real reason I can see her passing it up?”
I freeze, knowing what he’s going to say and not wanting to hear it.
“You.” Beau’s words land like a punch to the gut. “The shit you’re pulling today is messing with her head. Now maybe you’ve got your own stuff going on—” He holds up a hand when I open my mouth. “But the fact that you’re here and not giving Bea the support she earned is fucked up. I hope she accepts the invite and does the program.” He stalks off, his anger visible in the bunching of his shoulders.
“I do too,” I tell his retreating back. Beau doesn’t hear me.
But I do. It’s as if now that I’ve said the words aloud, I know what I need to do. I need to man up. I need to provide for my family, support my girlfriend, and do what needs to be done.
I’m not selfish. Or washed up. Or spiteful. I’m not my father.
With that thought looping in my mind, I send Bea a text.
Me: Hey. Something came up and I need to leave. Talk later? Proud of you today…
Bea: You okay?
Me: Yeah. We need to talk.
I wince as soon as I send it.
Bea: Okay. I’ll come by later.
Me: OK.
I don’t want to ruin any more of Bea’s day, so I take off. I let her revel in her moment. I hope she’s dreaming about the possibilities of this new art program. Instead, I shut my emotional shit down and start to pack.
The knock on my door is tentative and the hesitancy behind it twists my stomach. She knows I’m going to deliver bad news and I fucking hate myself for all the things I’m going to say. But she needs to take this opportunity. And I need to take this offer.
I pull the door open, my heart swelling into my throat at the uncertainty, the naked vulnerability, on Bea’s face.
“Come on in.” I hold the door wider. “Are you hungry?”
She shakes her head and enters my kitchen. “Gran took us all out for milkshakes and burgers.” A small smile flits across her face and I wonder if she’s remembering something from when she was a kid. I’m glad she has those happy childhood memories to sustain her when things go sideways. I wish I had more of them.
Bea crosses her arms over her chest. “What’s going on?”
“Congratulations on today.”
“Thank you.” Her tone is clipped, and I hear the hurt underneath it.
“I’m proud of you,” I try again.
She arches an eyebrow. “You have a funny way of showing it.”
I sigh and pull out a chair at the dining table.
Bea does the same and sits down across from me. “I’m worried about you, Cole.”
I disregard her concern. It makes me feel worse for the news I’m about to share. “I want you to take the invitation for that art program.”
Surprise cuts across her face. “Beau told you.”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Well, I already accepted.”
“Good,” I breathe out.
Bea frowns at me. “Cole, it’s only for four months and I’ll be right outside of Nashville. It’s not that big of a deal. I mean, the program is huge. But the long-distance part isn’t really long-distance at all.” She shakes her head. “Besides, I want to talk about you. About your extra workouts, the way you’ve been pushing yourself, your uncle’s injury. I want you to trust me with the big things and that’s not going to change because of this program.”
God, she’s breaking my heart. I look down, steel my expression, and clear my throat before meeting her gaze again.
Realization colors her expression and she gasps. “Do you think we won’t make it? Do you…do you not want to try?”
“I’m moving to Ohio.”
“What?” she shouts.
“My agent called a few days ago. It’s an offer I can’t pass up.” I keep my voice even, my tone measured.
Bea scoffs, her cheeks blazing red. “Really? Because they’re a better team?”
I shrug. “It’s a smart move for my career.”
“Your career.” She shakes her head, disappointed. In a flash, her worry morphs into anger. “What about the team you’re part of here? What about the guys who have invested in you from the beginning? You’re just going to turn your back on them because another team has more wins? Or is offering you more money?”
At the mention of money, I get defensive. “It’s money my uncle needs, Bea.”
“Oh!” She throws a hand in the air. “So now you’re being self-sacrificing, is that it?”
“Don’t judge what you don’t understand,” I say through clenched teeth. “You always knew this was a possibility.”
“Of course, I did. I even expected it,” she hollers.
“What?”
“A trade? Sure. But you breaking up with me because long-distance sounds hard? No, Cole. I didn’t see that coming.” She stands. “Is that it? You really want to end this?”
I stand too. My heart rate is erratic. My hands feel tingly and there’s a buzzing in my eardrums. No! I don’t want to end this! The words explode in my head, but I can’t say them. Because I need to do what’s best for Uncle Kirk. I need to do what’s best for Bea. “I think it’s for the best.”
“Right.” She nods, moving toward the door. “I’m glad you’re so caught up on proving everyone wrong, Cole.” She pauses at the door and looks at me over her shoulder. “You proved me wrong too. I really thought I could trust you. I really believed we had a future. I let myself love you, Cole.” Then, she leaves my house and slams the door behind her.
It echoes for a second and then, silence settles. I drop back into my chair feeling like I’m going to throw up. I just let Bea go. I let her walk away. Hell, I practically asked her to. If this is for the best, why does it feel like the worst decision I’ve ever made?
Why does it feel like a fucking mistake?
“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Uncle Kirk hollers the second I answer his call.
“What happened? What’s wrong?” Panic unravels through my limbs.
“That’s what I want to ask you.”
“Huh?”
“Huh? That’s all you got?”
“Uncle Kirk, what are you talking about?” I relax a little that he’s clearly annoyed with me, a good sign considering the alternative.
“Jamie told me you’re considering the Serpents,” he hisses.
“Oh,” I sigh. Of course, Jamie told him. Even though I asked her not to, a part of me knew she would. Is that why I told her? Because subconsciously, I don’t want to leave the Bolts. And Uncle Kirk knows that. So does Jamie.
“Yeah, oh,” Uncle Kirk mimics my voice.
I crack a grin. “It’s a good offer.”
“With a shit team.”
“They’re having a good season.”
“I’m not talking about their ranking, and you know it. Come on kid, do you really want to give up everything you’ve achieved for a paycheck?”
“Lots of people work jobs they don’t love for a paycheck. At least I love my job,” I retort.
“But you don’t have to. Right now, you love your job, and you love your team. Your coaches, your city, your girl.”
I wince at the reminder of Bea. “We broke up.” I don’t know why I tell him. He’s confined to a bed, battling excruciating pain, worrying about my future, and I tell him about my breakup with Bea. Maybe because I know he’ll weigh in on that too.
“Because of the Serpents?” His tone is less hostile than a moment ago.
“She got accepted into a prestigious art program.”
“Good for her. Is it on the moon?”
“No,” I snort.
“A decade commitment?”
I roll my eyes. “Four months.”
“And she didn’t want to try to make it work?”
I blow out a sigh. He knows it was me. He knows me. “My call.” I clear my throat.
“So, it’s because of the Serpents.”
“I guess so.”
“Ah, kid. Your heart’s too big and you try too damn hard to protect it. I get it. Given your childhood, the whole damn mess of it, of course you protect yourself. But you try to protect everyone else too. I don’t want you to take the offer with the Serpents. Unless you’re doing it for yourself, one-hundred percent, because you think it’s necessary for your career, I don’t want you to take it.”
“It doubles my pay.”
“So what?”
I exhale, trying to word this delicately, in a way that won’t offend my uncle. “Uncle Kirk, your recovery—”
“Is taken care of.”
“Your loss of wages—”
“Are taken care of.”
“What?” I ask, not understanding. The medical bills Uncle Kirk incurred are staggering. Coupled with his inability to work, I don’t see how anything is taken care of.
“My employer is covering everything. The fall happened on the job, due to negligence.”
“What’s that mean?” I ask.
“The guy I was working with was drunk. The accident was avoidable,” he sighs.
“Shit.” Anger races through me on my uncle’s behalf. “That never should have happened.”
“Except it did,” he sighs, resigned. “And it could have been a lot worse. I’m grateful to be here, kid. And you know what?”
“What?”
“Maybe this time laid out is good for me. It will give me the chance to slow down and reflect.”
I take the phone away from my ear and stare at it. What the hell is Uncle Kirk talking about?
“You get to be my age,” he continues, “you see things differently. I look at you, Cole, and I’m so damn proud of the man you are. Don’t waste your happiness on a paycheck. Don’t throw away a woman you could truly love, build a life with, on a career move. You’ll regret both every damn time.”
His words are sobering. Partly because it’s unlike him to be introspective. Partly because they ring with truth; it makes me uneasy.
I messed everything up with Bea. I was so intent on doing what I thought was best, I never stopped to consider what is best. What about her thoughts? Her feelings or ideas for the future? Fuck, I thought my love for her was the sacrifice. Instead, I sacrificed us. I hurt her.
What the hell was I thinking?
Bea’s anger, her pain, blares through my mind. “What if it’s too late?”
“It’s not.”
“I hurt her. Pushed her away.”
“So? Reel her back in.”
“She’s not a fish, Uncle Kirk. You think it’s that easy?” I bite out.
Uncle Kirk chuckles. “Hell no. It’s gonna be hell, Cole. Hell. But if you really love her, you’ll stick it out. And prove her right.”
I close my eyes at his word choice. What did Bea say? I proved her wrong by allowing her to think she could trust me?
My throat burns and my eyes sting from my own stupidity. How could I allow my Bea to think I’m untrustworthy? To question my love for her.
Prove her right. “Got any ideas?”
My uncle chuckles again. “You’ll figure it out, Cole. You always do.”