Pulling away from Olivia might have been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Everything in me was screaming for me to go back to her, to pull her back into my arms, and kiss her until the rest of the world disappeared again.
Because it had.
The moment I’d touched my lips to hers, everything else had ceased to matter. My anger with the crowds and my parents’ fame for messing up a perfect day with Olivia. My frustration over my future, which is out of my hands. Even my questions about Olivia and my feelings for her. About her feelings for me.
All of that was replaced by something warm, sweet, and intense when I held her in my arms. That emotion became undeniable and overwhelming when she kissed me back. And now?
I stared at the dusty old tool shelf as if it might hold the answers.
It didn’t.
I could hear Olivia’s breathing behind me, and for a second, I shut my eyes and let myself have one moment to revel in the fact that she’d wanted to kiss me. That she’d kissed me back.
If her passionate kiss was anything to go by, she’d wanted me just as badly as I wanted her.
But for how long?
Because I knew that this couldn’t last. Even as my heart raced and the blood in my veins hummed with excitement, I had this bittersweet sensation in the pit of my stomach. It was knowing I was getting a taste of true happiness but that I’d have to let it go. Kissing Olivia was like every dream coming true all at once—but those dreams wouldn’t last.
And the more passionately she’d kissed me back, the more guilt I’d felt until I’d had to tear away even though it nearly killed me. I glanced back and saw her shifting nervously from foot to foot. Her lips were swollen, and her gorgeous dark eyes were still dazed.
Dazed and confused.
I tried to swallow. I tried to think. But seeing her standing there all sweet and sheltered, so genuine and naive—I was the worst jerk on the planet for kissing her.
I would be a freakin’ evil villain if I led her on.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “Did I—” She touched her lips. “Did I do something wrong?”
Confused. She looked so confused, and I hated that. I didn’t want to hurt her. But I couldn’t let this go on, no matter how much I loved it.
It was one thing to let myself flirt, to steal moments with her in a hallway, and to laugh and tease with her like always. But if I let this go any further, I’d just be a selfish idiot.
I’d end up breaking her heart and my own. Because I knew.
I’d made a deal, and after this semester, my future was out of my hands. I flinched at the thought of Cambriea. My love life would be out of my hands.
Right now, all that mattered was Olivia. And I couldn’t be any more selfish than I’d already been. When Olivia loved, she loved with her whole heart and soul. My heart clenched at the thought.
She was amazing like that. Totally unguarded and so incredibly sincere.
I wouldn’t be the one who took that from her. I wouldn’t betray her trust and leave her heartbroken and bitter when I left.
“What happened, Derek?” Her lips curved up in a pale imitation of her typical smile. “Did you suddenly remember that I had cooties? Because I thought we agreed cooties weren’t real back in elementary school.”
I tried to laugh, but it came out as stilted as her attempt at a joke. “No, no, it’s just…”
Her eyes widened in expectation, and my stomach sank. I should tell her about Cambriea, but I couldn’t. Not now. Not when she was looking at me like that.
I cleared my throat. “Sorry I’m acting weird today,” I said. “It’s just that with more and more people finding out who my family is, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.”
Her brows drew together. “What do you mean?”
“My parents weren’t exactly thrilled with me coming here,” I said slowly, trying to figure out how much to tell her.
“To Oakwood High or here...to me?” she asked.
I let out a loud exhale. Leave it to Olivia to get right to the heart of the matter. I winced as I rubbed the back of my head. “Uh, both?”
She nodded, but she didn’t ask anything else, and I didn’t offer.
“Seeing the crowds today, that run-in with the security guard…” I saw her tense and rushed to reassure her. “It wasn’t your fault. It was fun. I was having–” I had to stop to swallow, to soften some of the intensity in my voice. “I was having the best day of my life.”
My stomach took another nose dive as I realized how true that was. Guilt ravaged my insides as I saw her expression brighten.
“But the thing is,” I continued. “If my parents get wind of any of it, they’ll pull me out of here and send me back home before I can blink.”
Her lips parted, and her eyes widened as understanding dawned. “Oh, Derek, I hadn’t even thought about that.”
I hated her look of guilt. She shouldn’t be guilty; this was all on me. But the longer I stared at her, the more the ache in my chest grew. She was right here. She’d wanted me to kiss her.
If I walked over to her now, she would kiss me again. Our next movie night could be a date night.
I could barely breathe for this bittersweet feeling. I was like a drowning man who can see the shore but can’t reach it.
I turned away again with a huff. Wow. Yeah, okay. Apparently falling in love made me a little melodramatic.
I didn’t hear her approach until she rested a hand on my shoulder. “Derek, you’re not alone in this. You know that, right?”
I nodded. For the first time in years, I didn’t feel alone. I had Olivia back by my side. And when I was with her, I felt like I could do anything. Be anything. That happiness was mine for the taking, and my future was mine to control.
I rubbed a hand over my eyes. But that wasn’t the case, now was it?
“Derek, talk to me,” she said.
“I don’t want to leave,” I said. It just kind of tumbled out, and it sounded pathetic and lame. It was the understatement of the century.
It was also a massive lie of omission. Not wanting to be pulled back home was only part of it. The bigger cloud looming over me was the deal I’d made, the future with Cambriea that I’d been refusing to think about.
Sticking my head in the sand didn’t change anything, and it certainly wouldn’t make it any easier to walk away.
She rubbed my back in a soothing gesture. It was a friendly move, yet it had my muscles tensing and my lungs laboring for air. I shut my eyes as if that could stop it—this desire. This love.
I guess I’d known for a little while that I was in love with my best friend, but that kiss had made it visceral and real in a whole new way.
It made it feel attainable. It gave me hope.
She rested her head against my arm like she had in the studio the week before, except that this time instead of staring into a mirror, we were staring at her dad’s rusted old tools. Super romantic.
“So, um…” She tensed beside me, and I heard her sharp inhale. She was steeling her nerves, and I knew before she spoke what was coming. “Should we talk about that kiss?”
Guilt and panic and desperation clawed their way through me. I should tell her the truth. I should explain why the kiss was a bad idea. I should tell her we couldn’t do it again...for her sake.
Because when it came to me and my heart? I was already a goner. My heart was going to be shattered into pieces when I had to leave.
But she didn’t have to get hurt.
So as much as it killed me, I backed away...from her and her concern. Her brows drew together in a frown as I backpedaled toward the door.
The only problem with my plan? I had no idea how to stop this thing between us. I didn’t want to hurt her now, even if it meant sparing her even more pain in the future.
So I took the coward’s way out. Mumbling something about how I was tired and we should wait to talk in the morning, I turned and headed inside, and as I shut the door closed behind me, I had the horrible feeling that I’d left my heart behind.