She was probably in the meeting with him already. Talking about getting married – to him. While I’m left feeling wretched, angry, jealous. I thought there was something there, a spark, something. Was it all just wishful thinking? Was she just messing with my head?
Wild, reckless thoughts danced around inside my head: I should go there, right now, and demand to speak to her, tell her to forget this Hassan guy, that I’m the one for her.
But what business is it of mine? It’s not like I’ve even said anything to her. It’s not like I have anything to offer her. I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life anymore. All I can see in front of me is a load of questions, unanswered questions at that. I ached for Mum. I wondered what her advice would have been. What would she have told me to do?
But of course, I knew. She would tell me search my heart, be true to myself.
Thoughts of Mum and Amirah gave me the strength to ask Dad about marriage. Knowing Amirah would consider Hassan meant she might consider me.
‘Dad, you don’t still think that early marriage is a bad idea, do you? I mean, I remember hearing you rant about it to Mum once.’
Dad shook his head, smiling. ‘Oh yes, your mother was always talking about marrying you boys off, the earlier, the better. Not on my tab I used to tell her.’ He laughed, as he often did when he remembered Mum these days.
I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. ‘But you don’t still feel that way about it, do you, Dad?’
Dad looked at me seriously. ‘Your job right now is to put all thoughts of girls to the side and concentrate on your education. You’re off to university next month, son. You don’t have time to think about any desires you might be having.’
I stared at him. ‘You think the only reason I might want to get married is because I can’t control myself?’
‘Well, what else would it be, Ali?’
I was starting to get agitated. ‘So you’re telling me that, if I met someone, and I genuinely thought she was special, and that I wanted to be with her in a halal way, you wouldn’t support me? Is that what you’re saying?’
‘Oh, Ali, what rubbish! Trust me, you may think a girl is special, but you will meet plenty more like her when the time is right. And the time is not right, Ali, that’s for sure.’
‘Is that what your dad told you when you insisted on marrying Mum, even though you were still at university? Or is that what Nanni told Mum?’ I shook my head. ‘Isn’t it amazing how quickly adults forget what it was like to be young?’
Dad swallowed hard. ‘That was different, Ali…’
I laughed bitterly. ‘What made me think I could expect support from my father to do something pleasing to Allah?’
‘Ali! That is out of order!’
But I was already walking away, asking Allah for guidance:
Allah, show me the way forward. I thought my life was perfect when Mum was alive. But You knew better. You took her back to teach me the reality of this life. To guide me back to the Straight Way. It was a price I didn’t want to pay – an almost unbearably high price – but we don’t get to choose our tests. Everything is encompassed by Your Wisdom. You alone know the reason for everything.
When I was at my lowest point, your Word brought me comfort. Your Word guided me. Guide me once more.
Guide me.