Even when all the right efforts have been made and everything has fallen into place before marriage, why do marriages so often go wrong? This may be the most difficult question to answer as far as marriage is concerned. I have known couples who have shared and treasured the best of experiences and years, and yet almost imperceptibly comes a weakening from within. Gradually their lives fall apart. There seems to be no romance left, the house becomes merely a dwelling place, and there is deep inside a terrifying feeling that something is not right. This is not the feeling of betrayal or infidelity or of wanting out. It is just a sense that the cup has been drunk to the full and there is nothing left. There is a romantic fatigue—all the elements are in place, but there is no fire.
Sometimes there have been drastic indications of trouble, although at other times there are not. In a society where both partners work, there is bound to be added strain on the relationship because their lives are locked into different worlds for the better part of each day. It used to be that when one partner was out of the home working, the other partner carried the primary responsibility of keeping the marriage intact. But with the way economic growth and possibilities have risen the world over, the pressure to secure a strong financial base has grown exponentially, which has meant that both partners work outside the home.
But the pressure is more than just financial.We have a built-in desire to use our minds and capacities, and building a home does not present the same dynamic attraction as a career.Unfortunately for us, rather than keeping the marriage in its place of priority and finding solutions to the problems,we argue over who gets the long end and who gets the short end of the cultural stick.
A man once came to me and said he was struggling with an issue. He was being asked to play, in his words, “Mr. Mom,” because his wife wanted to work full time. She felt it was important for one of them to stay at home with the children, and she said it should be him. “I feel very confused about my role and sit at home terribly depressed. I am the homemaker, dad, and mom, all in one.”
I knew this would be a hard thing to sort out in a one-time conversation. But as it happened, a couple of days later his wife came to me and asked rather sharply if I thought she was wrong in the position she had taken. By her tone and expression I was even more certain that the problem was far deeper than just this. I told her that what I thought of her position was really very secondary to the situation. “You had better be sure you are doing the right thing,” I said, “because the home is headed for trouble with the emotional cost of the position you are holding. At the very least try to find some middle ground, and that is all I have to say. You need professional counsel for this.”
The issue here, really, was not who should stay home and who should go to work. Neither wanted to stay home, but one demanded that the other should comply. The result was a ticking time bomb.
That is just one illustration. There are scores more of a different sort. The issues are far too complex to try to sort out here, but I would like to take a stab at what can go wrong and how to keep it from happening.
First and foremost, do not even flirt with the idea that there may have been somebody better out there or someone else with whom you may connect better. Infidelities are not always physical. Emotional vagaries of the mind can be equally dangerous to the health of one’s marriage. Mind games can bring bigger losses than imagined and should be stifled early. Receiving the partner as a gift from God, “warts and all,” is a commitment with which one begins. The hard thing about this is that both of you need to deeply believe this. One person alone on the path of unconditional love can find it terribly exhausting.
A sincere soul-searching is the most important step when trouble looms large. Affairs often begin because one person finds someone else he or she relates to better and with whom he or she experiences more intimacy or warmth, without all the burdens of carrying a family. It may just be that many marriages break up after years of raising a family because the concerns that have been shared after half a lifetime of bearing one another’s burdens are too big to carry any longer. But this is where we have to step back and realize what love and marriage are all about. Marriage brings together not just a man and his wife but their children and their struggles. To suddenly drop the partner who has carried that load with you along life’s journey for all these years for someone with no strings or worries attached is cruel. Marriage is not a commercial enterprise in which you replace a car you have tired of with another one. The truth is that the new car will lose its appeal, too, to say nothing about yourself. Someone has said that a man owes his success to his first wife and he owes his second wife to his success.
From its very inception, kill the thought that there is somebody better out there, with arms wide open, just waiting to bring you perfect happiness. Freedom from joint responsibilities and concerns is always idealized in the short term but is never realized. The greater the degree of immersion in another’s life, the greater is the “pain” of living. That is just the way it is. The greater the involvement in another’s life, the greater is the demand for sacrifice. We are not here to be coddled and made to feel better. There is no perfect person out there, and “better” can be a very misleading term.
Having said all of that, there are some evidences in Isaac and Rebekah’s marriage that show how even two good people ended up making serious blunders along the way. Their love for each other was never in question, but there were numerous problems in their relationships with others that brought tension between them.
The first time we see chinks in Isaac’s armor, Isaac and Rebekah were living in Philistine territory during a famine in the land. The Philistines watched him closely and, out of fear that his hosts would kill him because Rebekah was so attractive, he pulled a dangerous stunt.
This is how the Scriptures tell that incident, in Genesis 26:
When the men of that place asked him about his wife, he said, “She is my sister,” because he was afraid to say, “She is my wife.” He thought, “The men of this place might kill me on account of Rebekah, because she is beautiful.”
When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelech king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah. So Abimelech summoned Isaac and said, “She is really your wife! Why did you say, ‘She is my sister’?”
Isaac answered him, “Because I thought I might lose my life on account of her.”
Then Abimelech said, “What is this you have done to us? One of the men might well have slept with your wife, and you would have brought guilt upon us.”
So Abimelech gave orders to all the people: “Anyone who molests this man or his wife shall surely be put to death.” (vv. 7–11)
The Bible never hides the scars of its heroes. You wonder why Isaac lied about his wife.We know that his father, Abraham, did the same thing in the same town when he was in a similar situation. Did this pragmatism carry over by upbringing, or was he just part and parcel of the culture of that day, with a stock of convenient lies to help him get by? Or was it just sheer lack of faith that God would help see them through? Strangely enough, the Scriptures tell us nothing of how Rebekah felt.
What we do learn is that anytime you put your spouse at risk in order to protect yourself, you demean her worth and exalt your own. We may not find ourselves in as dire a circumstance as Isaac was as he feared for his life. But often we do try to make impressions upon people at the cost of our spouse. I have been in cultures where one spouse is made to look weak and silly in an attempt to be funny. This kind of trivial or serious belittling cuts away at the heart. The very word sarcasm literally means “cuts the flesh.”
In diminishing the other we devalue ourselves. Respect and dignity are an intrinsic part of valued relationships. I have no doubt we have all made those mistakes, but rather than excusing them, we should correct them.
It is ironic that in the cases of Abraham and of Isaac, the pagan rulers rebuked them for what they had done and recognized how serious the consequences could have been by putting the women at risk. Often in the much lesser circumstances that we find ourselves, it is not uncommon that someone of a different faith will notice the disrespect or censure with which we treat our spouse. This is not good for the marriage, for the children, or for one’s witness for Jesus Christ. Familiarity ought not to breed indifference to one’s self-worth.
As one follows the story, we see a moment of great sorrow that befell this household. In Genesis 26:34–35 we read, “When Esau was forty years old, he married Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and also Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah.”
Isaac and Rebekah’s marriage had now reached the stage where it was time for their children to marry, and unlike his parents, the older one is going to do it without their blessing. Esau did not concern himself with his parents’ counsel and married not just one but two women of a completely different faith. This was utterly crushing to Isaac and Rebekah. Only after some years when a serious break had come between their children, Esau and Jacob, do we read that Esau realized for the first time how much he had grieved his parents by marrying somebody outside his faith (see Genesis 28:8).
That heaviness wore down Isaac and Rebekah because their entire commitment to each other was built upon the hope of bringing children into the world who would carry Abraham’s blessing, generation after generation. Now, the oldest had squandered that birthright.
Watching your child go astray is one of the greatest burdens anyone can ever carry. I have seen it and the heart never beats the same under such a heavy burden. This happens in godly homes as well as in homes where God is not honored. There is no easy answer as to why it happens, and one can never be sure of the end result until the end comes. For some, the child’s departure from their commitment to the Lord is short. For others, it means a long road of disobedience. For yet others, they turn their back upon faith and family and never return. There is nothing—not even death—as painful to a godly parent as a child in rebellion against God.
Many years ago, I read a book called Father and Son by Edmund Gosse. Edmund’s father was a well-educated marine biologist who, in the face of the writings of Charles Darwin that were newly popular at that time, nevertheless clung to his belief in God and remained a committed Christian. But Edmund himself, equally if not more accomplished, moved in circles that gradually gave him the courage to tell his father he had lost his faith. Edmund’s credentials included his prestigious position as assistant librarian at the British Museum and then librarian at the House of Lords.When he informed his father that he had turned away from his faith in Jesus Christ and could intellectually no longer believe, his completely brokenhearted father wrote this letter that Edmund quotes in the last page of his book after their fellowship with each other was broken as well:
Son . . . when you came to us in the summer, the heavy blow fell upon me: and I discovered how very far you had departed from God. It was not that you had yielded to the strong tide of youthful blood, and had fallen victim to fleshly lusts; in that case however sad, your enlightened conscience would have spoken loudly, and you would have found your way back to the blood which cleanseth us from all sin, to humble confession and to self-abasement, to forgiveness and to re-communion with God. It was not this; it was that horrid insidious infidelity, which had already worked in your mind and heart with terrible energy . . . nothing seemed left to which I could appeal. We had, I found, no common ground. You were thus sailing down the rapid tide of time towards eternity, without a single authoritative guide (having cast your chart overboard), except what you might forge upon your own anvil.
This dreadful conduct of yours I had intended, after much prayer, to pass by in entire silence; but your apparently sincere inquiries after the cause of my sorrow have led me to go to the root of the matter . . . it is with pain, not in anger that I send it; hoping that you may be induced to review the whole course, of which this is only a stage, before God. If this grace were granted to you, oh! how joyfully should I bury all the past, and again have sweet and tender fellowship with my beloved Son, as of old.1
Every time I read those words I cannot fight back the tears. I can feel the ache of the father. Any parent who has experienced this break is crushed under the weight of sorrow. The world looks different when you feel you have lost your child. In this instance, it was not that the son had become a debauched individual. If that had been the case the father would still have hope, because those who are engaged in an indulgent lifestyle know that there is an emptiness within and can turn when that realization is admitted. No, this was far worse. This was a rebellion of the mind. Edmund had reasoned his way out of God, and the father said there was no common ground of authority left between them. You see, when there is a measuring stick one can show truth from falsehood. When there is a determined effort to disbelieve and reason is called to aid in that disbelief, even when it is shown to be spurious, there results a huge chasm. Their fellowship was ruptured and the senior Gosse lived with a shattered heart.
Work hard at keeping in tune with the way your children think.Your efforts may not always bring the desired result, but we must do our part. Keep close contact with them. Teach them with regularity, both by word and by deed. Love them and let them know you care for them because of who they are and not for anything else. Answer their questions with candor and thoughtfulness. Do not ignore their struggles. Deal with their difficulties, and spare them a cynical attitude. Stay tuned in to their struggles. Most of us learn the hard way that our children were in a very different world in their own thoughts than we realized.
Fathers especially need to have an impact on sons, because there are fewer and fewer examples of godly men for young men to follow. Dr. James Dobson has said that mothers raise boys; fathers raise men. I have met many a young man whose father has been negligent and who longs for a dad’s hug or embrace. This is not because daughters are any less needy, but they have an example in their mother’s presence. Boys are left in an island of confusion with no one to model for them the way out. There is little doubt that men have led the way in the dereliction of duty to the family.
At a time when their children falter, it is imperative for friends to encourage and strengthen the family.Unfortunately at this their loneliest time many pass judgment rather than offer comfort. Love and prayer are two of the most important components as parents wait for their beloved son or daughter to return to faith. At the sunset of life, this must be left completely to God who knows what is best.
For Esau not to have known how grievous this was to his parents reveals much about his own spiritual indifference. Marrying outside of both his faith and his culture was, at best, a huge burden to put on a marriage. Someone has said, “Religion is the essence of culture and culture the dress of religion.” I believe that is a significant definition of culture as it relates to religion, but it is far from exhaustive in defining what culture really means. This is a highly sensitive topic in our times and is easily misunderstood.
Over the years I have received numerous calls on this subject, probably because ours is a cross-cultural marriage. Culture is critical in marriage because in a real sense, culture is the behavioral expression of one’s values, appreciations, tastes, and relational style in both simple and serious matters of life. Add to this the dimensions of language and cultural memory, and you have worlds within worlds. In effect, culture provides the how and why of an individual’s behavior. That is why culture is a factor both within an ethnic group and outside an ethnic group. Some cultures I have lived among would unblushingly admit that they would not even think of marrying someone from within their own culture whose subculture is radically different from theirs.
During the war in Vietnam, I attended the wedding in Saigon of a lovely young Vietnamese woman and an American serviceman. They sat through the whole evening saying absolutely nothing to each other because they did not speak the same language, and the bulk of the guests spent much of the time talking about their silence. This kind of divide can be crossed for some, but let us be sure that language was just the tip of the iceberg. There was a difference in the very souls of their cultural background, their frames of reference for their past, present, and future.
Of greater challenge than language are the values and interpersonal treatment of individuals. I was in one culture where night after night after I had finished speaking, a different woman each time would come and ask if she could talk in a setting where she could not be overheard. Their stories were all the same. They lived in a culture where it was customary for their husbands to stop at a bar or some other such setting on their way home from the office to have emotional and physical needs met by other women before they headed home for dinner and to the family. For these women, that acceptance of their husbands’ behavior by their culture was nothing more than patriarchal domination that gave the blessing of society upon men and their adulteries. The soft tones in which these women shared their grief veiled a scream of hurt from within.
On numerous occasions somebody has said to me, “I will never marry within my own culture, because I know the abuse I will have to put up with to accommodate the prejudices we hold here.” I could write a whole book on the pain with which many live in their marriages. For some it has even ended in suicide.
As you can see, culture is not just an interethnic thing; it is intraethnic as well. For Isaac and Rebekah their faith was critical, but let us be certain their values were in jeopardy when their son married someone of a different cultural persuasion. Culture is a real thing. It transcends ethnicity as it encompasses the habits of the heart and mind with a tenacious grip. Marriage does not always release that grip, and it can choke the romance out of two eager young people who thought they could make it work. Cultural affinity in determining a marriage partner is never to be minimized.
We come now to the most difficult area of Isaac and Rebekah’s struggle at home.When Rebekah was pregnant, God revealed to her the destiny of her sons:
Two nations are in your womb,
and two peoples from within you will be separated;
one people will be stronger than the other,
and the older will serve the younger. (Genesis 25:23)
The birth of these twins was no ordinary event. They would shape history, and God was going to reverse the normal trend. The birthright to inherit the father’s succession was the prerogative of the older one. But in this instance, God was going to give the birthright to the younger son. Jacob, not Esau, would take the mantle of Abraham.
There were early signs of Esau’s propensity toward making the wrong choices. On one occasion, when he was tired, he and his scheming brother got into a discussion over some food. Jacob offered to give Esau his food if Esau would trade away his birthright. An incredible demand and an even more incredible willingness to throw it all away for a meal! Esau was clearly a pragmatist, willing to trade away his destiny for a moment’s satisfaction.
Several years later when Isaac was old and his eyes were weak so that he could no longer see, he called for Esau so that he might impart the birthright blessing on him. He asked Esau to prepare him a meal of fresh game, and with that meal he would transfer the trust to him. It was at this point that the family, with the best of intentions, engineered and deceived each other, each one thinking they were doing God’s service. Rebekah overheard the conversation between Isaac and Esau and rushed to Jacob to suggest that he pose as Esau and receive the blessing from Isaac. The two contrasting blessings that Isaac gave his sons tell us what lay ahead for these two men.
To Jacob, thinking he was Esau, Isaac said:
May God give you of heaven’s dew
and of earth’s richness. . . .
May nations serve you
and peoples bow down to you. . . .
May those who curse you be cursed
and those who bless you be blessed. (Genesis 27:28–29)
When Esau returned and realized what had happened, the Bible says that he “wept aloud” and begged his father for any blessing he could receive. But alas, he had sown the seeds of his own discontent, and now no manufactured blessing would change the course that was his lot—to lead a “restless” life (see Genesis 27:39–40). To protect Jacob from any vengeful act Esau might plan in retaliation, Rebekah sent him to her brother’s home, never to see Jacob again. This entire episode is steeped in tragedy and deceit.
It is interesting to me that nowhere are we told of Isaac and Rebekah sitting down and discussing this situation or seeking the best solution to their problem without bringing such deep division in their family. One has a great sympathy for Rebekah in this because she knew that the promise was to be inherited by Jacob. But by her maneuvering she encouraged the scheming heart of Jacob, annoyed the rebellious heart of Esau, and set in motion a countermove against Isaac. This is a classic case of how spiritual convictions with an overaggressive will can actually reveal a lack of faith rather than the very faith they seem to demonstrate. Rebekah thought she would accelerate the march of history by this act when, in fact, she may have influenced some of the conflicts that would come.
Serving God and playing God are two different things. In raising a young family, we often come across the need to instruct and prepare our children, but we must be careful that we do not engineer their minds into God’s plan for them. I have no doubt that this was not an easy situation for Rebekah, but did she really think that, outside of her duplicity, God had no way to bring the blessing to Jacob that He wanted?
We do this in lesser ways.We tend to conduct devotions with our children or other settings of organized instruction with such rigor that we forget that the best teaching sometimes comes as incidental to the setting, not in some formal force-fed structure. We set up spirituality and then are surprised that the end result is set-up spirituality.
Isaac was an old man when he gave the blessing. Decades had gone by in which he could have considered the best way to transfer the blessing. By waiting to the last minute, he set a divided course for the family.
All said and done, God honored His promise to Isaac and Rebekah. We want to turn our attention now to that pivotal moment in Jacob’s life when the years had gone by and he was on his way back home to meet Esau. Isaac and Rebekah had died, and all Jacob’s fears of revenge at the hand of Esau were before him. Fearful of what the next day would bring between him and Esau, Jacob spent the night in prayer, crying out to God to bless him. The all-seeing God asked Jacob for his name. Jacob knew he had been cornered. This time he could not lie, as he had lied to his father years before. He admitted who he was, and God said that because of the change in Jacob’s heart, evidenced by his admission of who he really was, God would change his name to Israel and would make a great nation out of him (see also Genesis 35:10 and 46: 3–4). Out of the spoils of scheming and manipulation, God was still able to rescue and bring greatness.
All of this is a reassuring reminder that in spite of our mistakes and failures, our heavenly Father is still able to bring something lasting and beautiful from our lives. The description of the tender reunion between Jacob and Esau in Genesis 33 is very touching: “Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept” (v. 4). Unfortunately, Rebekah was not there to see God restore what had been lost.
Jacob proceeded to introduce his family and his entire entourage to Esau. Then he paid Esau the ultimate compliment: “To see your face is like seeing the face of God” (v. 10).What a moving tribute.
The key to all relationships and to reconciliation is for each party to be willing to see the face of God in the face of the other. We may walk with a limp, but we will be headed in the right direction. Age or sickness may weaken us, but the sight of a divine feature even meagerly reflected will remain enchanting. Struggles will come, but we steady each other with His arm. Sometimes there may be silence, but we continue to listen closely for His lips to speak. Sometimes we may see darkly, but His eyes continue to give direction.
Marriage brings face to face two people committed to God whose face is distinctively revealed in each as they see each other in the light of God, shining on each countenance. God brought them close to each other because each was the other’s answer from God, to rescue them from being alone.
I am not a fisherman, but the other day I read some simple rules for fishing. One was this: Be sure your face is toward the light! The skillful fisherman will always see that the sun shines upon his face and that his shadow falls behind him. He who turns his back to the sun and lets his shadow darken the stream has said good-bye to all the trout.
That is a helpful metaphor for enjoying the delights of marriage. Each day, take a good look at that face before you and see, in the light of God’s grace, the face of God reflected in that precious face. Know that while each distinct feature is unique there is a common blueprint for both of you. See the beauty or frailty, as the case may be, as the characteristic given to the individual and the trust given to you. The embrace, then, is an embrace of pure love and trust. Don’t turn your back to the other’s plea. As you look at each other face to face and see the face of God, you move the home and history in the right direction.May that be our joy and hope.
I began this book with the vivid memory of attending my first Christian wedding. The impact was real. One of the clearest challenges to me was from the opening hymn that was sung. I read the words several times.
The voice that breathed o’er Eden,
That earliest wedding-day
The primal marriage blessing,
It hath not passed away.
Be present, heavenly Father,
To give away this bride,
As Eve thou gav’st to Adam
Out of his own pierced side.
Be present, gracious Savior,
To join their loving hands,
As Thou didst bind two natures
In Thine eternal bands.
Be present, Holy Spirit,
To bless them as they kneel,
As Thou for Christ the bridegroom
The heavenly spouse dost seal.
O spread Thy pure wings o’er them!
Let no ill power find place,
When onward through life’s journey
The hallowed path they trace,
To cast their crowns before Thee,
In perfect sacrifice,
Till to the home of gladness
With Christ’s own bride they rise.2
Read these words carefully. It will take you back to Eden. It will take you to the focus of the relationship within the Godhead. It will remind you of the One who gives you away, the One who blesses with the miracle of bringing you and your spouse together as you kneel before Him, the One who indwells you to help you carry out your commitment, the One who protects you through the storms that will come. Finally, lift your gaze beyond yourself to the One who comes as the ultimate Groom, having prepared a home for you.
Marriages that are Christ-centered are beautiful to behold and wonderful to enjoy. Romance as God intended it can last a lifetime.