INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT
NARRATOR
A family is out to dinner at a normal restaurant in San Francisco, nothing fancy. The family is HUNTER HUNTERSON, BO HUNTERSON, LUKE HUNTERSON, BETTY LOU HUNTERSON and SUNSHINE HUNTERSON. They are dressed mostly in jeans, flannel shirts, black dusters and cowboy hats. They look like a family of slightly goth farmhands. Each of the family members holds a menu. Hunter seems amazed.
HUNTER
Twelve-fifty for a hamburger?
WAITRESS
Yeah.
HUNTER
What’s that come with, a bottle of Dom Per-Ig-Non?
WAITRESS
Comes with fries.
HUNTER
Fries.
WAITRESS
Yeah.
HUNTER
A burger and fries for twelve- fifty? What’s the burger made out of, a golden calf?
WAITRESS
It’s locally grown, organic, free-range cattle from a co-op run by a Guatemalan family. Our burgers are gourmet, with our signature style.
HUNTER
Your “style” is avocado and bean sprouts on a burger?
WAITRESS
Yeah.
BETTY LOU
(to waitress)
Darlin’, we need just another minute to decide.
NARRATOR
Waitress sighs, then walks away. It’s all so tiring to wait on these bumpkins.
HUNTER
Now, Betty Lou, before you get started—
BETTY LOU
(interrupting)
Hunter, stop giving that girl a hard time. She’s just doing her job.
HUNTER
Betty Lou, you have any idea how much it’s gonna cost to feed everyone at these prices?
LUKE
Back home a burger costs three dollars, Pa.
BETTY LOU
Luke, we ain’t going back home, and I’m tired of sayin’ it. Hunter? See what your complainin’ does to the boy?
HUNTER
Well, I suppose. At least we didn’t bring Billy Mac. Lazy bastard would have farted up a storm.
BETTY LOU
He ain’t a bastard. We know who his daddy is, and it’s you. Talk nice about your youngest.
HUNTER
When he does something nice, I’ll say something nice. No-good-for nothing’s probably ordering another fifty-dollar Xbox game from that god-forsakin’ Amazon.
BO
Pa, I’m awful hungry. Can I get three burgers?
SUNSHINE
Look, Ma. A glass of orange juice costs five-fifty. That’s got to be the best orange juice in the whole world!
BO
Pa, what’s this surf and turf? Gotta be good if it costs that much. Can I have two?
HUNTER
Surf and flamin’ turf? Betty Lou, you see what I mean? We’ll go broke in this city!
LUKE
Orange juice costs fifty cents back home.
BETTY LOU
Luke, shut it. Hunter, we won’t go Broke, and you know it. We make plenty with that monthly sty-pen from the Netherworld Protectorate. It costs a little more to live in San Francisco, and we make more—it just sort of balances out.
HUNTER
Costs a little more to live in San Francisco? That’s like saying King Kong was a chimp with a bit of a pituitary gland problem.
BO
Pa, what’s a pit-oo-eee-tary?
HUNTER
Ain’t you studying biology?
BO
A pit-oo-eee-tary is biological?
BETTY LOU
Bo, ask your brother.
HUNTER
Bo, you ain’t studying again, are ya?
BO
Pa, I’m studying.
HUNTER
You’re about as good at studying as you are at lyin’, and you’re a terrible liar.
LUKE
I’ll help him, Pa.
HUNTER
You better. Bo, you fail another test, and the next time we’re up against a rabid unicorn, I’ll make you go in pants-less.
A pause.
BO
You wouldn’t.
HUNTER
Like hell I wouldn’t. Pants-less with your bits floppin’ about, and you know how unicorns like to stab anything that’s swingin’ around.
BETTY LOU
Hunter! That ain’t appropriate dinner conversation.
SUNSHINE
I’m studying biology, too, Pa. Wanna hear what I’ve learned about my vagina?
HUNTER
(embarrassed)
I most certainly do not.
SUNSHINE
But Pa, I learned that my vagina—
BETTY LOU
(interrupting)
Sunshine, honey, that kind of talk also ain’t suitable for the dinner table.
LUKE
Back home the school board says we ain’t allowed to learn about vaginas.
HUNTER
Maybe we should eat someplace else. Look at that waitress. She has more tattoos than a third-level demon and more metal in her face than someone who threw herself on a grenade to save the platoon. And look at that ear-disc thing — that ear lobe hangs down any further, it’ll dip into my soup when she brings it.
BETTY LOU
We’re fine eating right here, Hunter.
BO
I think the waitress is hot.
SUNSHINE
So do I!
HUNTER
Sunshine, can’t you see that’s a girl? You can only think boys are hot, sugar.
SUNSHINE
Pa, in class we learned about alternative lifestyles and lesbianism.
HUNTER
What? In school?
SUNSHINE
Yeah, Pa. I learned that lesbians like to—
BETTY LOU
(interrupting)
Sunshine, honey, that kind of talk also ain’t suitable for the dinner table.
LUKE
(grumbling)
You know, back home, the school board won’t even let teachers use the word “gay.”
BETTY LOU
Luke, shut it.
BO
If my lessons were about lesbians, I bet I’d study a whole lot harder.
LUKE
I bet the waitress can tutor us.
NARRATOR
Bo and Luke exchange a high-five.
HUNTER
Dag-gummit, maybe Luke is right. Maybe we need to go back to Slayerville.
LUKE
(sucking up)
I always did think you were real smart, Pa.
BETTY LOU
(angry)
All right, that’s enough. Sunshine, you stop talking about your lady parts and anything else that you know that will upset your daddy. Bo, you have no idea what that nice girl’s sexual preference might be, and unless you’re man enough to ask her out on a proper date it ain’t none of your business, so not another word. Luke, I am about one complaint away from making you stay home in the basement with Billy Mac.
LUKE
That’d be more fun than coming out here and seeing all these liberals.
BETTY LOU
Yeah? And would it be more fun if I cut off your Internet privileges?
Pause.
LUKE
Ma, you wouldn’t.
BETTY LOU
Try me. And Hunter, God brought us to San Francisco for a reason. This place is infested with vampires, werewolves, demons, Oni, goblins, lesser devils, wizards, witches and who knows what other kinds of undead vermin.
BETTY LOU
(even madder)
We’re gonna have a nice family dinner, everyone is going to talk nice, and everyone will get the hell along. Understand?
Silence from the family.
BETTY LOU
Good. Waitress?
The waitress returns.
WAITRESS
Yeah?
BETTY LOU
We’ll take six hamburgers and fries and six Cokes.
WAITRESS
But there’s only five of you.
BETTY LOU
The big fella there gets two.
BO
Thanks, Ma!
BETTY LOU
(to the waitress)
And honey? I think that big lead sinker or whatever you got hanging in your ear looks downright pretty.
WAITRESS
Well, thanks! I’ll get your order started.
BETTY LOU
You’re welcome, dear.
The waitress walks away.
BETTY LOU
See how easy that was, boys?
LUKE
Yes, ma’am.
BO
Yes, ma’am.
BETTY LOU
Good, and ...
NARRATOR
Betty’s voice trails off. Hunter’s eyes have narrowed. He’s looking around the restaurant, searching for something.
BETTY LOU
(quietly)
Hunter? What’s wrong?
HUNTER
(quietly)
My nuts just shriveled up to the size of dried-up raisins in a bag of three-year-old trail mix. Somethin’s in this restaurant.
BO
(excited)
What is it, Pa? Is it another Oni? We gonna stomp some ass?
HUNTER
Maybe.
BO
Can we eat first?
HUNTER
Bo, shut it. Everyone just keep real still. Betty Lou, you don’t feel anything?
BETTY LOU
No.
HUNTER
Well, reach out.
BETTY LOU
All right, give me a minute.
NARRATOR
Betty Lou Hunterson leans back in her chair. Most of the time, she keeps her mental powers locked up so she won’t hear things she shouldn’t hear. But when Hunter’s nuts shrivel up, that’s his sixth sense saying something evil is close by.
LUKE
Got anything, Ma?
BETTY LOU
There’s something in here wants to do us harm.
SUNSHINE
Is it the waitress?
BO
If it is, I volunteer to take care of her.
LUKE
No, I’ll do her! I mean it!
BETTY LOU
It ain’t the damn waitress. It’s ...
NARRATOR
The family looks around the diner. Something has changed. The other patrons are frozen in place, forks reaching for food, mouths open in mid-conversation.
BO
Hey, Pa?
HUNTER
Yes, Son?
BO
I think everyone has stopped moving.
LUKE
And they say you ain’t smart.
BO
Luke, I will smack the white right off of you.
HUNTER
Bo, we don’t use racist talk in this family. You’ll apologize to your brother as soon as we figure out what’s goin’ on.
BO
Yes, sir.
SUNSHINE
It’s a glamour, ain’t it, Ma?
BETTY LOU
Looks like it. Hunter, someone threw a time glamour on the diner.
LUKE
How come it don’t affect us?
BETTY LOU
Because you all are wearing those charms I gave you, ain’t ya? They counter most glamours. Damn good thing you all listen to your ma.
SUNSHINE
Why is this happening?
HUNTER
Because something is coming for us. They figured we’d be frozen like all the rest.
BO
Should I get the guns out of the truck?
HUNTER
No time. It’s gotta be comin’ fast. Now if I was trying to kill us, and I used a glamour, I’d probably have something waiting in the kitchen. In the freezer.
SUNSHINE
(helpfully)
Maybe it’s a rabid unicorn!
LUKE
It’s not a rabid unicorn.
BO
Thank you, Jesus
LUKE
To operate at peak efficiency, rabid unicorns need a body temperature of—
HUNTER
(interrupting)
Dammit, y’all shut the hell up! It’s almost stompin’ time. Everyone bring your respective ass-whoopin’ devices?
NARRATOR
Bo pulls out his silver baseball bat, the one he keeps tucked under his black trench coat. Luke draws a short sword. Sunshine opens her backpack and pulls out five throwing knives. Betty Lou reaches into her purse and comes out with a double handful of costume jewelry. Hunter slides on Old Glory, his gemstone-studded silver knuckles. Hunter likes to handle things up close and personal.
HUNTER
Good job, family. What did I tell you about ass-whoopin’ devices?
LUKE, BO, SUNSHINE AND BETTY JOE ANSWER IN UNISON
ALL
Don’t leave home without ’em.
HUNTER
That’s right, don’t ...
NARRATOR
Hunter’s words fade away as the kitchen door opens. A dozen bodies come shambling out. The ZOMBIES MOAN in light, mournful tones.
HUNTER
Gawd-dammit! Illegal alien zombies!
SUNSHINE
Pa, don’t call them that—those are undocumented worker zombies.
LUKE
Oh my God, Sunshine ... are you a Democrat?
BETTY LOU
Luke! This ain’t the time to call your sister names!
BO
At least they’re shamblers, Pa. I hate fast zombies.
LUKE
Fast zombies just ain’t right.
SUNSHINE
They can’t help it, Pa! Them wolves or whatever bring ’em across the border promising jobs.
BETTY LOU
Well, unfortunately they got a wolf witch-doctor. Probably packed ’em all into a trailer, killed ’em and converted ’em en route. Poor guys never had a chance.
SUNSHINE
Ain’t there anything we can do?
LUKE
Sure. We can send ’em on their way to Hey-Zeus.
SUNSHINE
But Pa!
HUNTER
They can’t be helped, darlin’. They’re already dead.
NARRATOR
The zombies moan louder.
BO
They’s getting close, Pa!
HUNTER
All right family, time to sing for your supper!
BO
But Pa, it’s lunchtime.
HUNTER
Whatever. Get ’em!
NARRATOR
The Huntersons attack. Sunshine throws her knives, each blade burying in the forehead of a poor lost soul. Luke kills with the point of his sword, keeping the zombies at bay. Betty Lou throws supernaturally charged costume jewelry, each necklace or bracelet burning into the zombies’ chests and dissolving them into a pile of dust. Hunter practices his right jab, then finishes them off with his right hook. Bo just smashes the shit out of everything with a baseball bat. Within seconds, we hear the FINAL DYING MOANS of the zombies.
HUNTER
Well, that’s all of ’em. Bo, Luke, get into the kitchen, see if there’s any more.
BO
Yes, Pa.
LUKE
Yes, Pa.
BETTY LOU
I’ll make the bodies all vanish, Hunter. So when the glamour wears Off, these people won’t have their meal interrupted.
HUNTER
That’s awful nice of you, honey. Always thinking of others. Hey, uh, will our fifteen-dollar burgers still come?
BETTY LOU
They should. Time glamour stopped them from cookin’ as well. Once it wears off, everything will be back to normal.
SUNSHINE
Pa, who did this? Who’s tryin’ to kill us?
HUNTER
I don’t know, darlin’ but we’re gonna find out. But for now, we have to talk about something far, far more dangerous, far more frightening.
SUNSHINE
What’s that?
HUNTER
Sunshine ... are you turning into a Democrat?