Chapter Thirteen

 

My supper remained largely untouched as I sat on my back deck, finishing up an email. Beth’s angry stomps crossed back and forth over my head while she packed her things, and readied to leave, but with no car and no flight leaving until the morning, she was stuck. Maybe that was okay, because I wasn’t really wanting her to leave. We both needed a cooling off though.

From under the cover of darkness, Eric hauled out a couple of chairs and a stack of wood, getting a crackling bonfire under way. One by one, my island friends arrived, first Willow and Arlo, with his guitar, followed by neighbour Jesse, who helped bring the fire to life. Eventually Mitch and Cedar arrived, her infectious giggle echoing between the houses.

Between the twang of Arlo’s strumming, the smell of roasted hotdogs, and a bag of potato chips crinkling as it was passed around, a dull ache formed in my heart. But it was the laughter that truly did me in. The sweet snorts from Cedar as Mitch shared a story I didn’t quite understand were like a current under the water, it pulled on my heartstrings, tempting me to join in the fun.

I tried to remain inconspicuous, but on a quick run to the house, Eric spotted me hiding in the shadows.

“Hey.” He stepped closer to my deck but maintained a safe distance. “You’re welcome to come and join the party, you know?”

“I know.” But I really felt I shouldn’t. After last night, maybe hanging out with Eric wasn’t the smartest idea.

“Where’s your friend?”

“Sulking in her room.” I deadpanned. “I think we’re breaking up.”

Eric cocked his head and ran his hands through his hair, before walking onto the deck and grabbing the chair nearest me. “You okay?”

“I’ll get over it.” My body sagged, and my gaze wandered over to the fire, watching the occasional spark shoot into the air with a pop.

Now, I wasn’t really upset over the loss of friendship, since deep down I’d maybe seen it coming. Perhaps it was karma coming back to slap me in the face, destined to be alone in life, as a payback for being a bitch. Thinking about all my past crimes, tears slipped freely and streamed down my cheeks, cooling as the ocean air breezed past me.

I sniffed.

He wrapped his hand around mine. “You’re clearly not okay.”

What I really wanted was to cradle into someone and feel arms wrapped around me, whispering how everything would be fine, but that was never my reality.

“Coming back here has been a real eye opener, more than I expected. I wanted a change of scenery, to think through my life, and instead of all that, I realized it wasn’t a change I needed, it was insight. I met you, or got reacquainted with you,” I wiped away my river, “and it seemed like you accepted me for me. And I’d been looking for that for so long that I didn’t understand it had happened, until it was taken away from me.”

He shifted in his seat and gave my hand a gentle squeeze. “I never left you.”

“You did. Yesterday, after we did it.” Where yesterday I’d been on top of the world, now I had shame over our experience.

“Listen, about that.” Before I went to open my mouth, he covered it with his finger. “You’re going to hear what I have to say.” There was a gentle finality to his words. “Yesterday was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time, and because of that, it also scared me to a whole new level I wasn’t expecting.” He still held my hand, but his head hung as his shoulders rolled in. “I haven’t been entirely truthful with you.”

My eyes widened as I stared.

“Like you said, I do have a story; I just don’t like to share it. I’m envious of you as you don’t hold anything back, and when you unloaded about Jordan and your crazy past, my heart went out to you, and I want to be as honest with you as you are with me.”

I squeezed his hand tight. “Whatever you want to share, I’ll never tell.”

His chest vibrated with a sigh and he twisted away from me, checking out the fire.

I understood the need to make sure a private moment stayed private.

“People are never truly how they present themselves to the world, and I just got tired of the constant lies.” He shook his head. “And it’s not just hiding an illness from your social media accounts, or anything like that. It’s the illusion of perfection and an utter fakeness. It’s too much.”

A long, lingering sigh breeze out of him. “The last few attempts at a relationship have revealed a different persona than the person they pretend to be to complete strangers. Where’s the honesty? Where’s the vulnerability? Why do women have to project this ideal of being a size zero, when it’s all smoke and mirrors?” His voice had a haunting lilt to it, and his words were soft and distant.

“This one girl I was seriously into, she’d wake up before me, sneak out of bed, and reapply her makeup and brush her teeth, so when I rolled over, she was already perfect looking. Sure, maybe for the first few dates, it’s fine or whatever, but she refused to let me see her in her raw and natural state even after a few months. It just got to be too much. We’d go out and she pretended to be this warm and generous person, but the second the door closed to the outside world, she was spewing nastiness.”

He sighed, and his voice drifted off as if trapped in a memory he needed to work through before it’d let go of him. “The last girl I dated; things were super serious. She was a B list celebrity, working in Vancouver, but based in LA. Her social media pics showcased her flawless beauty, but it was all lies. She was gorgeous without all the clown makeup.”

I rubbed my fingertips over my face. Not sure I’d refer to it as clown makeup, but I never left the house without a bit of mascara and some colour on my lips.

“Her twitter platform boasted of her charitable causes, one of which… well, let’s just say behind closed doors, it was the polar opposite. Learning how she really was versus her portrayed image, it terrified me. It made me start to wonder if I’d ever find someone whose outside beauty matched their inside beauty.” He snapped out of his reverie and stared at me. “Until you arrived.”

I focused on him, his beautiful silhouette against the backdrop of a glowing, rusty-coloured fire, sparks shooting out in all directions.

“When I first arrived, people talked, and I let them have their glory. They were just words, and they didn’t know me, or know what I’d been through. It’s exhausting on a whole other level trying to be someone you’re not, but here, I was me. Laid back, happy to walk around with my hair messed to get the mail.” He covered his mouth in mock horror. “But after time, the gossip faded. I gave them no fuel for their fire. There wasn’t the daily drama they craved.”

My voice lowered to a barely audible whisper, and I pulled away from him and crossed my legs. “I wish I could be like that and not have the whispers bother me as much. And no offence, dating a high-profile celebrity and being there when someone jumped to his death are two different things.” A shudder rolled down my body, like a wave on the beach.

“But you are innocent. You were not responsible for Jordan’s death. This town knows it, you’re just an outlet for their misplaced anger and in time, they’ll see how wonderful you are.” He stretched out an arm and wiped away a small trail of my tears. “And truly, if they can’t see that, then it’s on them. Not you. You’ve paid for your mistakes, and you’ve moved on.”

He had a point, however…

“But yesterday, you brought them up.” Hurt coursed through my veins. Things had been going so well too.

He held his head in his hands. “Yeah, and for that, I’m beyond sorry. I wasn’t bringing the past up to hurt you.” The tiny fray on the edge of his shorts grew as he tugged and pulled on a few of the loose threads. “It was me trying to verbalize my thoughts, and I screwed up by leading off and using that as an example. I wanted to tell you how we’re the same, even though we’re different.” His breathing increased as the clouds breezed by. “But my feelings muddled everything up, and I got so confused.”

“You’ve mentioned that.” I recrossed my legs and rubbed my belly as I leaned back. The chair was no longer comfortable, and I needed to stand and stretch.

“Thing is I…” He shifted in his seat and reached for my hand. “I have feelings for you, but you keep saying you’re not here for a long time, so it’s been hard for me to move forward, to not push us forward together.”

Yes, that would make things confusing. “I’m sorry.”

“And after this afternoon, it got me thinking if I could handle it. You, the baby, and you know, more.”

My heart pounded with every word and breath he took, my eyes searching his as the bonfire behind him blurred.

“And I do want it all, but I know I can’t. You’re leaving soon, and I’ve struggled with holding back my feelings because you’ve made me crave it all. You and the baby, even though I know it’s not possible as I can’t live in the city again.” Ripples of electricity bolted up my legs when his fingertips grazed my knee.

“It makes me happy to hear you say that.” More tears slipped from their holds. “I can’t either.”

“What?”

I smeared dampness across my cheeks.

“When I was in the city, I was like Beth, or I had to be since I hung out with her and thought she was a superstar as I channeled that energy and personality into my business. But when she landed, and was acting well, like herself, it came across to me like she was being a total bitch.” I lowered my voice, even though I didn’t need to, I was pretty sure Beth was upstairs thinking the same about me, or at least, telling Archie as much. “I knew something changed. I no longer wanted to be that person. When my life fell apart, it was actually a blessing in disguise, I just didn’t see it until today.” I twisted in my chair to look him deep in the eyes. “Even though this town hates me…”

“They don’t hate you.”

I tipped my head from side to side, occasionally watching my island friends. The laughter had died down, and there was no more singing and guitar playing.

“Yeah, they do, but that’s okay. I know I can live with it, or at least learn to try. It’s a reminder of who I was. And me remembering that isn’t a terrible thing because it’ll keep it from ever happening again.” I uncrossed my legs and scooted closer. “Eric, I really like you. I love being around you, and I want to stay here with you. I have no intentions of going home.”

“The hell you aren’t!”

The hairs on the back of my neck sprung to attention, and my breath lodged in the back of my throat.

Parker.