Dealonomics

Niels Henrik David Bohr (Danish physicist, philosopher and footballer; 1885–1962)

Before any important conversation, meeting, negotiation, sale, deal or whatever takes place, planning needs to happen. If you prefer to ‘fly by the seat of your pants’, this book is not for you. This book is for people who want to succeed, who take getting what they want seriously.

To get what you want, you need to embrace the role of planning and be prepared to invest the time and effort needed to plan properly. This does not mean, though, that the planning process needs to be complicated.

We are not going to get into the semantics of ‘planning’ versus ‘preparing’. For the purposes of this book, we can use the two words interchangeably. I prefer ‘planning’, as it suggests a more holistic view. There is no flexibility, however, in the importance of planning. It gives you superpowers.

Firstly, it sets your road map for how to get from where you are now to where you want to be – how you will get what you want.

Secondly, it is where you will find your power – identify it, create it and use it.

Planning allows dealmakers with the lowest level of skills, or the weakest possible positions, to find power. While power is intrinsic in certain situations (such as power linked to job titles or roles in society), power is also a frame of mind: something that can be harnessed. Planning and power are inextricably linked.

Since ancient times, people have strived to show off their power, exert their power, glorify their power.

The world has gone to war over who has what power. Countries have been torn apart as one group has tried to dominate another. Communities have destroyed each another in their efforts to hold onto power. Families have been torn apart by power struggles. Children fight to assert themselves with their parents.

People use and abuse their power. They leverage their power to get what they want, and it is no different in dealmaking. Remember the definition of a dealmaker? It is someone with negotiation, selling and communication skills who leverages or adjusts the balance of power. If the other party can control their power, so can you. In fact, it is essential that you are able to do this.

It’s time to call in Salaryman, our alter ego superhero, and to give him some superpowers.

If you go into a potential customer’s office to secure new business, who has the power? If you are asking for a raise or a new posting, who holds the power? If you are a teenager wanting to stay out beyond your curfew, who can say yes or no?

Do you feel as if you are on the back foot when you ask someone for something and they have the power to grant or deny you your wish? There’s no getting away from it, power is important, but it is never absolute – which is why people fight for power. It can be won and it can be lost.

There are many ways in which Salaryman can find and use power in order to get what he wants – in much the same way as a six-year-old does. Really, how much power does a six-year-old wield over his or her parents, or older siblings, or even the dog? What does a young child do to get power? Here are a few pointers from little Johnny:

This is how a six-year-old leverages power. You are, believe it or not, going to be encouraged to use these methods, as well as a few others, to improve your position of power – even when you feel all hope is lost.

If the essence of power was distilled into one element, it would be this – quid pro quo – something for something. To get what you want from someone, find out what they want, and then trade with them. The power in this is disproportionate to any other power play. If you have an incredibly stubborn donkey refusing to move, what do you do? You dangle carrots, or use sticks. Carrots, though, are far more effective than sticks. ‘If you move, Donkey, I will give you a carrot.’

Before we get ahead of ourselves and say, ‘Okay, that’s power understood,’ we need to look at other ways in which power can be made and destroyed. To get our heads around this gargantuan subject, we will deconstruct it and consider only the aspects that impact our deals – increases, promotions, new positions, better packages and benefits, new or improved contracts, and the like.

Sometimes you are going to have to dig deep to find power, especially if you feel you are on your back, never mind your back foot, or if you lack the confidence to go out there and ‘make it happen’.

This is how it works. Have you ever looked in the fridge or pantry and thought, ‘There is nothing to eat’? It happens to me all the time – I can look and see nothing. The opposite happens with my husband. He looks into the same fridge or pantry and sees a feast. Why? How? It is a matter of perspective – if you have an idea of how to cook, which my man does, the answers are far more obvious. And if you are wondering, yes, I hang my head in shame: I can’t cook.

You have already been given quite a few sources, and sauces, for cooking up power. Can you recall what they are?

In dealmaking, one of the most obvious – and most overlooked – sources of power is knowing what you want. It is alarming how many people go into a deal with no idea of what they want to achieve, or how they intend to get what it is that they don’t know they want.

You must know what you want before you engage in any negotiation. Just as important, you must know how you are going to ask for what you want. This gives you immense power.

The good news is that this is one of the easiest parts of the negotiation process. Determining what you want is covered in Chapter 4, and Chapter 5 shows you how to get what you want. For now, we are looking at the power in telling someone what you want.

Back to Little Johnny. Number one on his list of ‘How a six-year- old creates power’ is ‘If you don’t ask, you don’t get’. You, too, need to embrace this childish rule. He was probably taught ‘Ask and ye shall receive’ by his parents, the very people he is now driving mad with his list of demands.

You have to know what you want, or else, as Charles ‘Chuck’ Palahniuk (American novelist, who wrote Fight Club; 1962–) puts it, ‘If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t.’

In telling someone what you want, you present them with a proposal. There are two main types of proposals.

A proposal that says, ‘I would like you to increase my salary because that would make me very happy, and if I am very happy, you will see the benefit of this on your bottom line,’ is the persuading or selling approach.

A proposal that makes an offer such as, ‘If you give me a 20 per cent increase then I will take on the extra workload’, is a negotiating offer.

A proposal in which you offer the other person something in return for giving you what you want can be more attractive to them. Why, then, would you not always start with negotiation rather than persuasion? Because, as you know, negotiation can be expensive. If you can get something for nothing – as in, you can persuade someone to simply give you a 20 per cent increase – it is far better than having to pay in some way for the increase, which is what negotiating requires.

Quid pro quo, something for something, give to get, trading and similar phrases have already been mentioned ad nauseum. To have power as a dealmaker, you need to live ‘quid pro quo’ – live it like a six-year-old does.

There is inherent power in the trading process, and trading is driven by proposals. To be a powerful dealmaker, you need to make proposals and respond to proposals. You need to know what you want, tell the other person what you want, and be prepared to offer them what they want in order to get what you want. Three easy steps.

If you know how to prepare a ball park, then you can define what you want. Easy. If you know how to make proposals, then you know how to tell the other person what you want. Peasy. The difficult part is thinking up carrots to offer the other person that they really want. What if the conversation takes an unexpected turn? You need to turn too, or crash. The next point on ‘carrots’ will help you with this.

Did you read Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner? In Freakonomics, the authors posit the theory that people are, with very few exceptions, driven by incentives. The authors believe that (edited):

Incentives are the cornerstone of modern life. The typical economist believes the world has not yet invented a problem that he cannot fix if given a free hand to design the proper incentive scheme.

In other words, if you give someone something that excites them, you can get whatever it is that you want from them in return. This age-old trading system becomes corrupted, as we found out in 2008, by the greed of the Wolves of Wall Street.

People are far more flexible when you dangle a juicy, fat incentive or two in front of their noses. Just like donkeys and carrots.

The weaker your position in a deal, the more you will need to focus on trading – offering incentives (carrots) and disincentives (sticks) – in order to get what you want.

Incentives or ‘carrots’ have already been mentioned any number of times in this book. In your real world, they may be called variables, marbles, concessions, demands, offers or hot buttons, but we will stick with carrots for the moment. My company uses the word ‘marbles’, as it reminds people to think like a six-year-old.

The beauty of carrots is that when you find yourself with your back to the wall, all you need to do is pull a carrot from your fertile imagination, offer it as a trade-off to the other person, and they will start listening to you.

Carrots drive negotiations, as they do donkeys. Give the person with whom you are negotiating a carrot he wants, one that makes him salivate, and you have your ultimate source of power.

Two important factors need to be taken into account when you shake your carrots about – the relevance of the carrots, and a fair trade or fair exchange of value.

Let’s start with relevance. The carrots must address the other party’s issues, needs or wants. Understanding what is important to the other person will save you time, effort and usually money. This means asking questions and listening to the answers. All too often we are so focused on what we want that we don’t listen to the needs of the other person and we make proposals that have no value to them. As I mentioned earlier, there is no point in offering a carrot to a lion – you need to offer it meat. So be sure to offer the other person what excites them, not what suits you to give away.

On to value. The best way to get what you want in a deal is by offering the other party something that is valuable to them. If what they want is out of line with the value you are expecting in return, it will be a bad deal for you. You need to trade value for value. If you offer high-value carrots to them, then expect high-value carrots in return. Small carrots are usually traded to even out the deal, and they can be used at any time, but always ensure that you are getting value for value.

When we get to defining the ball park, you will learn that there are two types of carrots – key issues (the big carrots) and secondary issues (the small carrots, or marbles).

In the negotiating-dialogue example, where you are trying to get a 20 per cent increase from your boss, you may have noticed that you had lots of ideas as to what you wanted if you could not get the increase. You were also flexible when the boss made unexpected counter-offers. You came to the meeting with lots of variables, or carrots, and you were prepared to trade them – to give the boss what he wanted in exchange for getting what you wanted.

Don’t shy away from making trading-based proposals – they are one of the most effective tools you can use to gain, and keep, control of the deal.

What is the most valuable word in dealmaking? No, it does not begin with ‘f ’, even though it sounds like ‘f ’. The word is ‘if ’. The word ‘if ’ suggests conditions, ‘if ’ implies trading, ‘if ’ is power in two letters.

Using the ‘If you … then I’ format in your proposals helps to increase your control over the trading process. If you give me more leave, then I will accept a lower salary; if you want a cheaper price, then I need a longer contract; if you give me a three-month trial, then I will guarantee the deliverables – this one little word represents proposals and trading and carrots all rolled into a powerful package.

Negotiation is about trading. Trading is giving to get. Giving to get is ‘if you do this for me, then I will do that for you’. Quid pro quo.

Many people, especially women, are reluctant to use ‘If you … then I …’ because they think it sounds pushy or greedy. The way in which you couch the ‘if ’ word is up to you. You can make it aggressive, as in ‘IF, AND ONLY IF, you do this for me, then …’ or softer, like ‘I would like to give you what you want, so if you can do this for me, then …’ The choice is yours, but what you must do is get your head around trading – ‘If you do this for me, then I will do that for you.’

Do try this at home. Try using ‘If you, then I’ on your family. You will be amazed at how well it works. It will give you the confidence to use the ‘if ’ word every day and for every situation.

Does it matter if you say ‘If you … then I …’ or ‘I will … if you …’? Actually, it does. When you use dealmaking language, success is in the semantics. Communication is, after all, one of the key skills of a dealmaker.

When you say ‘If you do this for me, then I will do that for you’, you communicate clearly to the other person that you will give them something they want (e.g. ice cream) if they give you what you want (e.g. eat their veggies). You emphasise that you are giving to them conditionally: that the ice cream has conditions. This is critical in trading – give to get, not give to give to give to …

You owe it to yourself, and the other person, to tell them what you want before agreeing to give them ice cream. Think before you speak.

Using ‘If you do this for me, then I will do that for you’ is correct, but the ‘this’ and the ‘that’ must be clearly defined. The more specific, the better. If your offers and conditions are not clear, you open up the deal rather than close it down. A lack of clarity creates confusion and the opportunity for someone to sneak concessions from you. Being specific is not being rude – you are simply being clear and concise – and using effective dealmaking language is essential.

You may be thinking that everything you have read so far is good and well, but some people are so powerful that they don’t need to do deals. Think again. There is no one in the world so powerful that they are more powerful than having to do a deal.

Who, in your opinion, does not have to do deals? Barack Obama? Bashar Hafez al-Assad? Bill Gates? Warren Buffett? Robert Mugabe? Think again. Every single one of these people needs to, and does, persuade and negotiate.

Barack Obama is powerless without the backing of the Democratic Party. He needs to keep his party members happy so that they keep on supporting him.

Bashar Hafez al-Assad, the president of Syria, needs to keep the loyalists sweet, or the rebels will overrun his government. He also has to do deals with his allies in the region, and he has to negotiate with whoever supplies his army with weapons. Same for Robert Mugabe.

Bill Gates and Warren Buffett do deals with shareholders, the administrators and beneficiaries of their humanitarian projects, whoever is at the World Economic Forum at Davos, their wives and children.

The more powerful they are, the more the world’s most powerful people need to do deals – to get what they want.

There is not a hope in hell that your boss, or the human resources person, or the person who signs your cheques, is more powerful than Vladimir Putin or the Pope. The trick is to find what will make the person from whom you want something, want to do a deal with you. Carrots, sticks and trading are the simple answer.

What does it say about your power if you can’t walk away from a deal? Critical in establishing who has what power is knowing which side needs the deal more.

Back to the example of negotiating with your boss for a 20 per cent pay increase in return for taking on additional responsibilities. Who needs the deal more? You want more money, he wants to save money. If you refuse to do the extra work, how much worse off are you? No net gain, no real loss. If the boss has to hire someone to do the work, it will cost a lot more than giving you a 20 per cent increase (which is the persuasion element in your discussion with your boss). So not only is your hand stronger in this scenario, but your flexible proposals enable you to leverage power.

If it is you who needs the deal more than the other party, you need to spend as much time as you can finding ways to improve your power.

With monopolies and single-source suppliers, you often have no choice but to do business with them. They have all the power, so they dictate the terms. Monopolies are renowned for holding their customers, business partners and even staff to ransom. If you don’t want to work with them, they don’t care, because their power is that you can’t get their products or services anywhere else.

What happens to the monopolies and sole suppliers when the tide turns and competition enters the market? They are taken out. Think Eskom, South Africa’s single-source electricity utility. If Eskom had a competitor, would their users switch? Eskom would find itself in a competitive market, so its prices would be reduced, but would the users stay loyal to them – after all the rolling blackouts and being held hostage to extortionate increases? I think not.

The opposite of the monopoly is someone who can pick and choose from a number of suppliers, and then plays one supplier off against another in order to drive down prices or improve the terms of a deal.

The less you need the deal, the greater your power, so to increase your power, consider if you are able to use sole supply or competition (or unique skills) to improve your deal. This may not seem fair, but it is used every single day by companies and individuals everywhere to strengthen their positions of power.

Should you tell the other person how badly you need the deal? Generally not, because information can become power. If you tell someone that you really, really need the deal otherwise you are going to lose your company, you might scare them away, as they now perceive your future to be unstable. Or, they might try to take total advantage of you – kick you while you are down. Very rarely will someone take pity on you and give you what you want to save you.

Only you can be you, and you are really good at it. Have a look at what it is about you that gives you unique power. Is it the way you look, your education, intelligence or vocabulary? The most common areas in which people find personal power is in their authority, legitimacy, knowledge, credibility and appearance.

Whether you like it or not, these factors influence your power. The more authority and legitimacy you have – as recognised by the other party – the greater your power. Perception is reality, so if the other party does not perceive you as having the necessary level of authority or influence to do the deal, your power is undermined.

Two other key factors in personal power are credibility and appearance. If you don’t look the part, or act the part, if your credentials are not up to scratch, your power is damaged. It is unfair that your power is determined by how you look, but remember, thin people earn more than fat people? I rest my case.

Until you are as successful as Richard Branson or Carlos Slim Helú, you need to exploit your appearance, which includes grooming, clothes, deportment, etiquette and presence (presence can be learnt). Once you are as rich as Croesus, you can become charmingly eccentric and start wearing flip-flops to meetings.

You need to make the most of your physical appearance. You are what you wear. You are how you look. If you want to be taken seriously, you need to communicate this through your appearance. People have lost deals, job offers, sales, contracts and way more because they didn’t polish their shoes.

One of the easier ways in which you can positively impact your personal authority, legitimacy, credibility and appearance is through your knowledge. People respect someone who actually knows what they are talking about.

You don’t need to become a know-it-all boaster, although you will have to do some self-promotion to allow people to realise that you are knowledgeable. One of the most effective ways in which to display your knowledge is to go to a meeting, whether this is an interview, sales call or meeting with the Highlander, and put the research you have done for the session on the desk. Those who take the time and trouble to get the appropriate information win respect. Your knowledge is well within your power to improve.

And leading on from gaining knowledge … once you have understood your power, the next step in planning for your deal is to acquire information. There are three elements you need to consider from a planning perspective – determine what information you need, which questions you should ask, and how to listen to the answers.

Have you heard the expression ‘information is power’? Well, that saying is not entirely correct. It’s not the information that gives you power, but how you use it. The ability to translate information into usable knowledge creates power. Information for information’s sake is worthless – determine what you already know, what you need to know, and then fill in the gaps. There is probably an equation or law that describes this process, but I couldn’t find it. This invented one is the Information Equation:

[what you need to know] minus [what you know] equals information you need to find out.

There are innumerable ways to gather information, so you have no excuse for not finding what you need. Here are a few ideas: the internet, Facebook, websites, magazines, newspapers, books, libraries, specialist clubs, professional associations, annual reports, analyst reviews, newsletters, company notice boards, and speaking to people in your network.

The most potent way to get information, though, is to ask the person concerned directly for whatever it is you need to know. This is not always possible, so second prize is to ask questions of someone else who may know the answers. This is where your network comes into play, but more about networking in a moment.

Reason one. We are afraid the answer might not be what we want to hear. In establishing power through information, it is essential to get the answers you need. It is infinitely better to know early on in a conversation if there is going to be a problem with what you are proposing, as then you still have time to address any issues.

Reason two. We can’t think of the right questions to ask. Granted, you never know where the discussion might go, but only fools meet without knowing what they are going to discuss. If you have an agenda, or even just the topic for the meeting, you have enough information from which to prepare questions.

Reason three. We are too busy talking to think about asking questions. Some people live to hear the sound of their own voice. A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. Anthony Robbins (American author and motivator; 1960–) believes that ‘Successful people ask better questions and, as a result, they get better answers.’ Great dealmakers use questions to get the information they need.

The best, and most reliable, way of getting information is unquestionably to ask questions. Remember, though, that there is no point in asking the questions if you don’t listen to the answers. People actually like to be asked questions, especially if it gives them the opportunity to talk about themselves, so don’t hold back.

It is important to plan your questions in advance. All roads lead to planning, not Rome. The answer to the Information Equation applies here:

When you plan your questions in advance, you are able to maximise the value of the interaction with the person of whom you are asking the questions.

Asking questions should be easy, but many of us don’t know which questions to ask, or how to ask them, or where to draw the line with regard to questioning.

There is an art to asking questions; for example, firing a string of questions at the person opposite you is pretty pointless. They will only answer the ones they want to answer. Another example is underestimating the power of face-to-face questioning. When you ask someone for the information directly, you have the opportunity to aurally and visually pick up the nuances and subtleties in their answers. This non-verbal communication gives you a whole new set of information.

Here are three killer ways in which to maximise the use of questions to increase your power.

The quality of your questions will determine the quality of the answers you receive. Poor questions result in vague and unclear answers, but quality questions seldom happen by accident – they need to be prepared in advance. Ask questions that are well constructed and carefully considered.

A man runs over a cat. The cat’s address is on its collar so the man goes to apologise to the owner. He knocks on the door and a little old lady answers. The man says, ‘I’m so sorry. I’ve just run over your cat. Can I replace it?’

‘I don’t know,’ replies the old lady. ‘How good are you at catching mice?’

Do not be afraid to ask for information, no matter how sensitive the subject matter. Most of us are uncomfortable asking customers for their budget or when they will make a decision, or a prospective employer for the salary of the last person in the position, or the human resources department what our colleagues are earning. ‘You can’t ask that,’ you bristle.

Can you ask a woman her weight? Convention says it is impolite to ask, but you can still ask. It is up to the woman to decide whether she wants to answer or not. We are guilty of avoiding this type of question because we buy into the bull that is ‘conventional wisdom’. Nothing is more stupid than conventional wisdom. If you don’t believe me, read Freakonomics.

To my mind, there is an arrogance in not asking for sensitive information. The person asking the questions decides, on behalf of the person being interviewed, whether the interviewee will be comfortable with a question. Is this not how adults tend to treat children? Give the other person the choice whether or not they want to answer a question.

If you know how to ask sensitive questions correctly, there is very little another person – even a complete stranger – won’t tell you. My colleagues and I experiment with this all the time and are shocked by what people will disclose when they are questioned effectively.

Interesting people are interested in others. Think about the last party you attended where you did not know many people. Try to remember whom it was you found most interesting. I’m certain it will be the person who asked you lots of questions about yourself and listened intently to the answers.

People like to talk about themselves, but again, the power lies in the quality of the questions.

My film of the year for 2012 was Dark Shadows, a horror comedy based on a 1960s Gothic soap opera, starring Johnny Depp and Michelle Pfeiffer. There is a wonderful scene in the movie when Dr Julia Hoffman (played by Helena Bonham Carter), resident psychiatrist to the family, storms into the drawing room of the family matriarch, Carolyn Stoddard Collins (Michelle Pfeiffer), and demands to know why she has not been told that there is a vampire living in the house.

Carolyn Stoddard Collins: You know, Julia, I’m surprised at you. I think a physician like you might find him fascinating.

Dr Julia Hoffman: Well, sure. Medically, psychologically and physically, he’s fascinating. Which is exactly why I came to you instead of the police.

Carolyn Stoddard Collins: Then be fascinated, Julia.

Note: if you are planning to watch the film based on my recommendation, be aware that it did not get many good reviews (but I thought it was brilliant!). In fact, be careful of all my movie and television recommendations. Most of them are not for sensitive viewers.

Be fascinated by other people, for they are indeed fascinating. Do not go through the motions or fake an interest. People can spot a phoney at a glance.

Asking, ‘So what do you do?’ or ‘Where do you work?’ is social suicide. If someone asks this of me, I scoot off to more interesting ground as quickly as possible. In a business context, it’s okay – if uninspired – because you presumably want to capitalise on the networking opportunity. But is this the best we can do?

People are much more interesting than their jobs. Make it your business to find out something fascinating about every single person you meet from now on. What you will find is that suddenly everyone wants to know more about you.

Try to uncover what motivates the person to get up in the morning, what they would do differently with their life if they were suddenly seventeen again, or what flavour they would choose to be if they were an ice cream (read more on this in Quirkology: The Curious Science of Everyday Lives by psychologist Professor Richard Wiseman).

Asking lots of wide-ranging questions in a social context gives you the opportunity to practise your questioning skills. It helps, as well, with getting the hang of asking spontaneous quality questions.

The introduction to this section on information stated that there are three elements to information from a planning perspective – the information you need, the questions you should ask, and how to listen to the answers.

That you should listen when people are giving you information is a blinding flash of the bleeding obvious. Why, then, do so many people struggle with listening?

In today’s world of me-me-me, go-go-go, the art of listening is being lost. People don’t seem to have the time to listen any more, and when we don’t listen, we miss out on what could be crucial information.

On the other side of the table, the person with whom we are conversing is probably not listening very carefully either, which means that we have to ensure that they hear what we need them to hear. The best way to engage someone’s attention? Ask. Them. Questions.

Listening is not as automatic as you would think. To listen – to really hear – what is being said and implied, you need to be completely present in the conversation. Not just in body, but in mind (and, I believe, in spirit). You should not be wondering if you locked your car, or thinking about what you want for dinner, or imagining how the person with you would look naked. Being an attentive and fully conscious listener requires focus and, believe it or not, practice.

Studies show that the average listener understands and retains about half a conversation, and that this retention rate drops to 25 per cent after two days. The implication is that when we don’t listen properly, our ability to recall a conversation that took place more than 48 hours earlier is incomplete and unreliable.

In the section on questions above, I mentioned that there is an art to asking questions, and that when you ask someone for information, you have the opportunity to aurally (by ear) and visually (by eye) pick up clues about what they are actually thinking.

When you listen, pay attention to the words being used, and to their context. Listen to what is not being said, as well as to what is being said. Watch the person’s expressions and body language, their eye movements and comfort levels. Listen. Pause. Think. Speak.

This does not mean that you are passive in the listening process. You need to show the person with whom you are talking that you are interested in what they are saying – nod, ask questions, encourage them to continue – without interrupting their flow.

If you don’t listen properly, the communication process goes for a ball of chalk. You can’t pick up the clues, you won’t get the information you need, you miss the signals of flexibility, and you don’t get to identify what is important to the other person. Your ability to make proposals and negotiate is thus compromised, and the chances of getting what you want are proportionately reduced.

Listen. Pause. Think. Speak. On the subject of keeping quiet, never underestimate the power of silence. Carry on listening when nothing is being said. Don’t feel you need to fill a space with words, or that you need to ease any tension created by silence. Learn to be comfortable with silence.

In mastering silence, you will find that other people, because they are uncomfortable with the silence, will begin to talk – and because what they say will be unrehearsed, out come all the secrets. This supports the point I made about asking for sensitive information. The pressure of silence gets others to spit out information they may not otherwise have told you.

A thought on silence from Aldous Huxley (English writer and humanist; 1894–1963): ‘Silence is as full of potential wisdom and wit as the unhewn marble of great sculpture.’ In the same vein is the Swahili proverb that says: ‘Much silence has a mighty noise.’

What exactly is ‘networking’ in this day and age? Is it having an active LinkedIn profile, or connecting with your first sweetheart via Facebook? Or is it the old-fashioned, rubber-to-the-road, going out and meeting people face to face?

Think about the axiom, ‘It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.’ Why is who you know more important than what (the information) you know?

Let’s start with who being more important than what. Information for its own sake is not of any value – information needs to be converted into knowledge, remember? What the old saying is alluding to is that anyone can get information from anywhere, but getting it from the right person makes it valuable – this converts information into knowledge, which creates power.

Now on to knowing someone. There are different levels of relationships. You can know someone by name, or be connected on Facebook, or be an acquaintance, or have a friendship, or be intimate. All these levels are valid in networking, as they can be leveraged at different times for different purposes. If you simply want an introduction to Mr X, asking an acquaintance may suffice. If, though, you want personal information on Mr X, an acquaintance is unlikely to be willing to give you this type of input.

The stronger your relationships, the more valuable your connections will be to you when it comes to getting the information you need. And the more meaningful the information you can get, the more power you have when it comes to getting the deal you want.

A network is essentially a series of connected people. Have you heard of the ‘six degrees of separation’? It is the perfect illustration of networking. Six degrees of separation is the theory that everyone can potentially be connected to anyone else in the world in six or fewer moves.

Six degrees of separation has become a game people play, often using the American actor Kevin Bacon as an example. To show how I am connected to Kevin Bacon in six moves or less, I would use the following steps:

While the textbook and online definitions of ‘networking’ make no distinction between virtual and real people, in business and dealmaking, there is a big difference. You may be able to get information from your online and imaginary friends, but it will be nothing that is valuable enough to change the course of an interaction or deal.

Having a big network is a powerful benefit – people can connect you with the decision-makers you need to see, give you information vital to your success or which protects you from failure, and they can support you and promote your products or services. No matter how funky, avatars just aren’t able to do this.

You have a brilliant business idea. You resign from your job to start your business. You will commence by surrounding yourself with people who can help make your idea reality. This will probably be people from whom you get funding and support (like your family and close friends), and then people you know whom you can hire as employees.

Once your product or service is ready for the market, your next step would be to find people to whom you can sell your offerings. Again, it will begin with those close to you, expanding outwards. Once you have saturated those you know well, you start asking them for referrals. They recommend you to their friends and acquaintances, and soon you saturate those connections. You then look at relationships further and further away from yourself. The bigger your network, the longer you can keep this process alive.

In networking, it is not only about quantity. As you can see from this example, the quality of your contacts is a very important factor. Knowing whom to hire or who will be receptive to your sales approach is good, but having the connections to introduce you directly to other people you want to meet is great.

But before you pat yourself on the back because you have a huge network, consider this statement:

By now you appreciate the vital importance of assessing and growing your power base, and using information to boost this power, what comes next? The part you play in building or diminishing your personal power – how you value yourself.

To determine how you see your own worth, we will look inside you, not outside. If you really believe that your value is high, you will positively impact your power. If you don’t have self-worth, your power crumbles.

For reasons that are not entirely logical, I dislike business books and self-improvement books, so when I wrote Work Diva and Deal Diva, my intention was to write the sorts of books that would make me feel better about myself. Self-improvement books leave me feeling like a moronic, slightly unhinged loser. If you are struggling with self-esteem issues, read either of my Diva books (they are not just for women – some of the most heartening letters I’ve received have been from men).

Fear not, you do not have to rush out and buy a book. I’m going to give you a few non-judgemental and non-condemnatory pointers to make you recognise how special you are, and how lucky any company would be to get hold of someone with your talents.

If you’re concerned that too much emphasis has been placed on first impressions and appearance, and not enough on less superficial qualities, you will be pleased to know that first impressions are driven not only by your appearance, but also by your general air or attitude. But … the way you see yourself is the way other people will see you.

If you think you are Quasimodo, then you are Quasimodo. If you feel more Eva Green or Brad Pitt, then this is the attitude you will project. If you want to be seen as fabulous, project fabulous, and you become fabulous in the eyes of others.

The following amusing vignette from the film Pulp Fiction (American crime cult flick directed by Quentin Tarantino; 1994) proves the point. If you saw the movie, I have no doubt that you will remember this conversation. Jules is played by Samuel L. Jackson and Vincent by John Travolta.

Jules:	I wouldn’t go so far as to call a dog filthy, but they’re definitely dirty. But, a dog’s got personality. Personality goes a long way.
Vincent:	Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal.

Not for one minute am I suggesting you are an animal of some sort – I’m trying to build your self-esteem here, not leave you in a neurotic mess on the floor. The point is that attitude and personality go a long way, and these are definitely areas you can control. You can be a dog or a pig, tall or short, skinny or obese – it doesn’t matter as long as you have ‘attitude’. Think of Oprah Winfrey. Neither naturally beautiful nor slim, she oozes personality, confidence and kick-ass attitude. How you feel on the inside is projected on the outside. What signals do you send?

It is normal to suffer from low esteem or a lack of confidence from time to time. If you find that you continually doubt yourself or are constantly gripped with uncertainty, you need to consider attending a course or participating in a programme that will help boost your self-image. Not wanting to fix your esteem issues, or saying you can’t fix them, is symptomatic of someone who revels in playing the part of ‘victim’. Think Ford’s Anti-Rule.

On the other hand, a complete lack of self-doubt and being over-confident are indicators of low EQ (emotional intelligence). EQ is very different from IQ (intellectual intelligence). If you are someone who is never wrong, invest in increasing your emotional intelligence.

Almost everyone looks in the mirror and finds fault with some aspect of their body. What do you see when you look in the mirror? Quasimodo? It is only when you can’t bear the sight of your own reflection that you have a problem. You need to work on this with a professional counsellor. Not being able to look at your reflection is closely linked to self-esteem. Equally, looking in the mirror and thinking you are completely perfect is somewhat narcissistic.

We have already deconstructed Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote that ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’. Back to your reflection. How do you talk to yourself? Stop being unkind to yourself and the people around you will stop being unkind to you. If you think you are Quasimodo and you treat yourself with loathing, then those around you will pick up on this signal. It unconsciously gives them permission to see you as inferior and treat you as such.

Very few people don’t blame others, even in a small way, for their problems. The more you blame external factors rather than yourself, the greater your inclination to be a victim. It is important to understand that being a victim in this context is an attitude, a chosen reality, that will not serve you in real life.

The first step to correcting any attitude or behaviour is awareness. From now on, be more in tune with what you say and how you react when mishaps occur. If you realise that you are continually blaming other factors (people, events, deities, circumstances or demographics), you are not taking responsibility for your life.

To stop this behaviour, you need to go to the opposite extreme for a while. Take personal responsibility for fixing everything that happens to you, even when you know you are not to blame or at fault, and the victim mindset will automatically start to disappear.

Life is not fair, this much we know. If you believe that your race, religion, gender, age, ability or circumstances are the reason you don’t have what you want, you may well be right. But the sooner you stop being a victim of the unfairness of life, the sooner your life will improve.

Being a victim, even of genuine discrimination or unfairness, is a state of mind. Every person on the planet can say, ‘It’s because of x that I’m disadvantaged.’ Everyone on the planet falls into some category or another (male/female, black/white, young/old, scrawny/fat, tall/ short, rich/poor, liberal/conservative) that makes them different from another group, yet not every single person on the planet blames their category for their lack of success. People are able to rise above their circumstances.

There is no denying that having the ‘old school tie’ or belonging to the right country club will help you in business, but blaming your inability to get what you want on not having these advantages makes you a victim.

Every single person can tell a hard-luck story. Every one of us has been discriminated against or disadvantaged in some way, but the manner in which we cope with these situations elevates us beyond victimhood. Hardship happens. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward.

Having tested the signals you send, here are six ideas to boost your self-esteem.

By being aware of any victim tendencies you may have, and making even small adjustments to your attitude, you can improve your self-worth and, as a direct result, your circumstances.

Here’s an example. Start believing that you deserve to be treated with love and respect, and you will find that those around you unconsciously follow suit. We do all deserve to be treated kindly, but it begins with how we treat ourselves. It was Buddha (Indian spiritual teacher and founder of Buddhism; 563–483 BC) who said, ‘You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.’ And only when you know how to treat yourself properly will you begin to treat those around you with the love and respect they deserve.

One of the most obvious qualities of successful people is their lifelong commitment to developing themselves – in mind, body and spirit.

You don’t need money to improve yourself: finding a mentor is a cheap and extremely effective way to grow your potential and your knowledge. Learning and growing empowers you. It opens your eyes to your potential, and to all the opportunities around you. It helps you to achieve self-actualisation, and if you know anything about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, you will know that this is the highest point of achievement for any human being.

Stop the blame. It doesn’t matter who you think is to blame for what has gone wrong in your life – your parents, your teachers, your husband, your children, your bosses, your accidents or incidents, your bad luck, your lack of ability, your lack of money – there is only one common factor. What is it? You.

This is your life, so you need to take responsibility for making it the best possible life. Stop demanding rights and accept responsibility. Even if someone has broken into your house and stolen everything you own, take responsibility for your reaction. Even if your boss has fired you over something that had nothing to do with you, take responsibility for keeping your self-respect. If you have lost a limb in an accident that was not your fault, take responsibility for your rehabilitation.

It is the ability to take responsibility for their lives that distinguishes successful people from victims.

Whether you like it or not, whether you wish it away or ignore it, prejudice and inequality exist. Sure we have a responsibility to fight this, starting with recognising our own bigotry and judgements, but we owe it to ourselves to rise above the unfairness in the world.

Choose not to have a victim mindset. Make the best of yourself and any bad situations in which you find yourself. Try your best to rise above the ignorance of the people who want to keep you trapped in the box marked ‘male/female, black/white, young/old, Christian/ Muslim, big/small’.

The New Age philosophers go Zen about the saying ‘the universe applauds action’. You can find similar sentiments in most holy texts. How can this be done? Saying, ‘I will change my attitude’ or ‘I accept responsibility for my life’ or ‘I won’t let prejudice grind me down’ is fine, but how does this translate into action?

It starts with investing in yourself. Start reading more books, start having meaningful conversations with diverse people and groups, start talking kindly to your reflection in the mirror, start acquiring new skills, start learning to take better care of your health. All this will lead you back to self-respect.

Americans are generally good at self-promotion. They seem comfortable telling you about their qualifications, accomplishments, successes and unique skills. The Indians (from mainland India) are far more modest, but when they introduce themselves to you in business, it is by name and qualifications. The English are the polar opposite. They are self-deprecating and can be doltishly modest.

Which of these groups describes you? What do you have to crow about? What do you need to improve? Don’t be too humble in stating who you are and what you have achieved. Be proud of your successes and, if you brag about them, be sure to include a few comments that are self-effacing to balance your bit of personal marketing. If you don’t, can’t or won’t promote yourself, who do you think is going to do it for you? Nobody. Take charge of your own positive press.

If your self-worth is off-kilter, you seriously damage your personal power. And if your personal value is not being projected, your ability to get a new job or a higher salary or win a new contract is equally impaired.

Work hard on your self-worth. It directly impacts your value in the marketplace.

This is the part you have been waiting for – what are you really worth in the job market?

Establishing your value in the marketplace is an essential piece of market intelligence you need about yourself. We are going to look at ways in which you can find out what the skills, expertise, knowledge and services you have to offer are worth in the open market, and how to push your worth to its limits.

Most people are familiar with the market value of their jobs, or the price they can get for their products or services. They have a reasonable idea of how much they could earn if they moved companies but kept the same-level position, just as a small business owner is likely to be familiar with what their competition charges for similar offerings.

The same cannot be said when it comes to people knowing their own market value – what they are worth. You need to know what you are worth if you expect to command the highest possible income.

How do you go about this? Here are six solid suggestions to help you establish your worth.

A few years ago I was approached by a headhunter to interview for the position of regional chief executive officer for a large global organisation. I did not want the position, but I thought it would be a good opportunity to test my value in the corporate market. I told the head-hunter that I would only go for the interview if the employer was prepared to look at a salary package of double what they were offering. It was an obscene amount of money – the maximum I could imaginably justify. The recruiter baulked, but the organisation was still keen to interview me.

Try this out for yourself – it’s the best way to determine your market value. And you don’t have to be headhunted – you can approach a recruitment agency. Keep in mind that the recruitment company will ask what you are currently earning – and relay this to the prospective employer. Do be truthful about what you are currently earning (taking into account every single one of your perks and benefits – formal and informal), but you must also tell them what you expect to earn. If the recruitment company gives you a hard time about your expectations, take the opportunity to practise self-promotion. It will be a good trial run for when you present this argument to the prospective employer.

Remember that the higher your package, the more the recruitment company can charge the employer. You may want to build this into your argument about earning a much higher salary.

You are worth as much as someone is willing to pay you, just as a house is worth what someone will pay to buy it. You owe it to yourself to ensure that you are earning what you deserve for doing your job.

Please don’t think, ‘Well, I am happy in my job, even though I am not being paid enough. I don’t want to rock the boat.’ Rubbish. Why are you happy with being paid less than you deserve? Is it because you are afraid of losing your job, or because you don’t know how to get more money? You may even have a self-esteem issue. By the end of this book, you will be comfortable using dealonomics.

How do you find out what you should be earning from your employer? In much the same way as you would if you were testing your value in the open market. You need to go for a few interviews and ask for cheeky salary packages in each interview. You will soon be able to establish what your employer should be paying you. Don’t be ridiculous, though – it’s no good asking for a director’s salary if you are hoping to be the secretary to a director.

If you are a sole operator selling your services – let’s say you’re an electrician – the same rules apply. What is the most someone is willing to pay for your services? Give a few very high quotes on jobs that you can afford to lose, and get feedback from the person you quoted. You can always reduce your quote if you want. Do the same with a salary.

Bear in mind at all times that how you see your intrinsic worth is how a potential employer will see it too. If you value you, the people around you are far more likely to value you as well.

The point at which you have the greatest power to negotiate your salary package is when you join an organisation. Once you are an employee and ask for a new package, the company (usually via human resources) will tell you that ‘The company’s policy this year is an increase of x per cent’ or ‘The salary range for your position is y to z, so we can’t give you the raise you want.’ Companies hide behind these statements in order to control their payroll expenses, which their shareholders expect them to do. This is even more prevalent in government institutions.

It is a tug of war that the player with the ‘most power’ wins. What is the ‘most power’? If you really need your job and can’t move companies if they don’t give you an increase, you lose. If you are an indispensable employee, you win. People who are irreplaceable either work hard or have a unique set of skills, and they get to tell their employers what they expect to earn as a reward for this.

If you are not indispensable, you need to improve your negotiating power, and one way to do this is to have a higher offer from another company in your back pocket. If your current employer doesn’t give you the increase you want, you resign and they lose. If they match or better the other offer, you win.

Separate working hard and taking on extra work. You are paid a salary to deliver a certain job to a certain standard. You should do this to the best of your ability. There are, unfortunately, people who are not prepared, for whatever excuses, to give of their best. They then wonder why they don’t get big increases or cushy promotions. There is, however, no reason to be a martyr – martyrs are only recognised once they’re dead.

If you want to earn more by increasing your workload, you can either ask for added responsibility, or you can just take on the extra work and then tell your employer that this is what you have done. In either case, be sure to communicate clearly how much you expect to be compensated for taking on additional work. If you are not suitably rewarded, change jobs. Hoping to get an increase is a bit like hoping to win the lottery. There is no substitute for asking for the salary you want.

The reality of the times in which we live is that employers are expecting more from their employees than ever before. If you are not available on email and cell phone after hours, you are perceived to be less than committed. Companies are very good at espousing ‘work–life balance’, but few of them truly believe it. When last did you go on holiday and not do any work?

You must take responsibility for communicating how you feel about your workload and where you see the boundaries. Don’t whinge and complain – work hard and express your expectations clearly. Let’s face it – the people who typically get the promotions and higher salaries are the ones who have gone the extra mile, but have made sure that their bosses knew about their extra effort.

If your reward is not financial, it has to be in developing your skills, building your reputation, improving your self-worth and making you a more valuable product.

If you give of your best but are being underpaid or passed over for promotion, try to understand why you are not more highly valued. Is it a clash with your boss, or a less than useful human resources department? Do you need to update your skills? Have you been remiss in promoting product You?

Have you told people about the value you can add to the organisation? You can’t expect people to guess what you think you are worth – you must communicate, and be able to defend, your salary expectations and career aspirations.

If the issue is your boss, discuss it with someone in the organisation who will be able to help. What few people consider is that if you have a problem with your direct boss, going around them or over their head may be the only option – you have a bad relationship anyway, so try to do something constructive about the situation.

Unfortunately, people are sometimes forced to stay in jobs where they feel advantage is being taken of them or they are undervalued. Not letting the negative environment get you down while you look for something else is crucial. This is easy for me to say but, in reality, it is extremely hard to do.

In his book Man’s Search for Meaning, Dr Viktor Frankl (Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist; 1905–1997) deduced that the people who survived the concentration camps in the Second World War were those who could see a life beyond their current situation. While a bad job is hardly a concentration camp, it can sure feel like one.

If you have no choice but to stay put in your current position, read Man’s Search for Meaning and stick it out until you find the right position with the right company.