PART I

GREAT SCOTT'S GHOST

 

CHAPTER 1

 

The woman had promised in her ad to "Make a Spook-tacle" of herself for children's Halloween parties and was doing her best to keep her word. The children could tell the person in the black, hooded robe was a woman because of her voice, which was a very odd one, of a crackling, country quality such as a female of the jack-o'-lantern species might have. What would a female jack-o'-lantern be, a jane-o'-lantern? Seven-year-old Minda Moloney giggled at the thought and the flashlight she held in her lap jiggled in sympathy. The beam pointing toward her snub nose in order to cast demonic light on her cherubic features did a little shadow dance on the ceiling instead.

"Shut up," hissed third-grader Sass Pulaski, punching her remedially in the arm and sending his own flashlight beam gyrating wildly around the room.

All of the children sat in a circle on the floor, some of them seated on Minda's mother's sofa pillows, some merely sitting with the seats of their costumes on the cold tile floors. Each child had been provided at the request of the entertainer with a flashlight before all the lights had been turned out. The storyteller herself had then made her entrance, her robes flowing around her, her elongated shadow folding up over the wall and ceiling so that she looked twelve feet tall, and faceless.

Then she had glided to a halt, her long black robes spreading around her as she sat so it looked as if she were melting into the floor. She drew a candle, as if from nowhere, though of course it actually came from one of those big wide sleeves, from which her hands emerged white as a corpse's with long red nails that looked like a vampire's but probably came from the Pay 'n' Save cosmetics department just like the ones Minda's mom wore. The candle was a tall black column and already had squiggles of wax melting down from it. The woman lit it, making it look as if she had fire at the ends of her fingers.

"Well, now. Let's see," the voice from inside the hood said. "I'm supposed to tell you a love story. That right?"

"Yuck!" Sass Pulaski replied.

"No, it's Halloween," said Minda's younger sister, Sandy. "You're s'posed to tell scary stories."

"Oh, well, then. I guess I'll begin it the way all scary stories begin. Does anybody know how that is?"

"Once upon a time?" ventured Selena Anderson.

"Nope. That's for fairy tales. This one has fairies in it, sort of, but it should begin as all dread tales begin, 'It was a dark and stormy night . . ."

"It was a dark and stormy night when the airplane landed at Heathrow and all the barf bags were full."

"I like this story already," Sass said.

"The nine-hour flight from Seattle had started out pleasantly enough, with music all around. A very merry red-haired stewardess who wanted the passengers to call her Torchy danced impromptu jigs to the tunes played by the banjo accompanying the group. I say the banjo accompanied the group, rather than that it was played by one of them, you notice. The reason for that is that while it's true that all the passengers were musicians and singers who occasionally did pick a specific tune on the banjo, much of the time the instrument simply played itself, all by its lonesome. It was that kind of a banjo."

"What kind?" Sass wanted to know. "Was it like a keyboard that looked and sounded like a banjo?"

"Nope, it was like magic. It had been made by a luthier, which is what you call an instrument maker, who was a white witch from back in the Appalachian Mountains. He made it for a man named Sam Hawthorne who spent his life finding and singing special, important songs, songs that made a difference in people's lives and taught them to look at things in new ways. Songs that made Certain Parties very uncomfortable. And it was these Certain Parties who were after the magic banjo now, trying to destroy it and destroy all the people who protected it and who were guided by it, the people who were the keepers of its songs."

"Well, who were they? The Certain Parties, I mean?" Jason Collins asked.

"Music critics, dopey, who else?" Sass said.

"Well, son, you're only part right," the spooky lady said. "Music critics at least need to listen to music before they trash it. These particular parties couldn't bear to so much as hear a single chorus, they hated it so bad. Of course, sometimes they worked through music critics, but basically, I believe you'd call them devils."

"Devils?"Selena asked suspiciously. "You aren't going to start trying to preach religion here at our party, are you? Because my mom doesn't like that and she would sue Minda's mom."

"That so?"

"Yeah, and my mom doesn't want me to listen to stuff about witches and demons and stuff either," Selena, sensing she had the upper hand, added.

"No demons or witches or devils or religious stuff—I suppose that means angels too?"

Selena nodded and said, unrepentantly, "Sor-ree."

"How about ghosts then?"

"Will they give me nightmares?"

"Oh, not intentionally. This is the ghost of a pretty nice man. An interesting one anyway. And he's not anybody you might run into around here. He's a Scottish ghost."

"That might be okay."

"Well, now, keeping in mind that we're talking about old Scottish people here, who believed in such antediluvian stuff as religion, talking purely about what they believed so you understand I'm not preaching at you, do you suppose your mama would have kittens if I told you first that there is a Scottish prayer that this reminds me of? Sort of like 'Now I lay me down to sleep.'"

"Now I WHAT?" Selena asked haughtily.

"'NowIlaymedowntosleepIpraytheLordmysoultokeepifIshoulddiebeforelwakelpraytheLordmysoultotake,'" said Minda. "Honestly, you are so dumb. If you spoil this party I will never ever invite you again and I won't talk to you anymore either."

"Me neither," said her brother.

"Oh, I guess its okay just so she's not trying to convert me or preach creationism or anything like that."

"That's real nice of you, honey," the voice from deep in the cowl said. "Now then, there is this ancient Scottish prayer that says, and I quote, 'From ghosties and ghoulies and long-leggit beasties and things that go bump in the night may the Good Lord preserve us.'"

"Hey, I know, I know!" Minda's brother said, waving his hand wildly to be called on. "I bet it's not a prayer at all. I bet the Lord is like the KING lord and they're wanting him to save them from, you know, like the bad guys and all the animals that eat up dead people and mortars and nighttime artillery fire and stuff, huh?"

"Interesting theory," the spook in the hood said. "You should look into that sometime. But I'm talking a little more literally here. It is Halloween and this is a ghost story."

"Oh, okay. But I'd like a battle better."

"You know, you and the ghost I'm going to tell you about have a lot in common. You'll like him, I think."

The candle flame died down and the voice changed, so that the accent in it shifted shape, from southern to something with a's as soft and broad as the back of an old horse and r's that buzzed around the room like bees. And as the children stared into the candlelight, the story the woman told seemed to gain life within the flame, so that they could see the whole thing happening, all of it, and even the big words she used were easy to understand because the pictures they made were so clear, hanging over the candle's flickering flame.

 

* * *

 

Things were going bump in the night in the study at Abbotsford, which is a famous Scottish landmark, being the former home of Sir Walter Scott, who was a novelist, a folklorist, and, for his day job, a lawyer, what they call a barrister in Scotland. Sir Walter, who you might call the "ghostie" in this instance, heard the barking of the border collie who was the "long-leggit beastie" who guarded the house at night. The dog's carrying on was so loud it made poor Sir Walter turn right over in his grave. "My word," said Sir Walter, rolling onto his side to assume his favorite sleeping position from when he was alive, "strange sort of time for the Scottish Trust to start renovations."

And the "ghoulie" who had been rifling through the library at the behest of Certain Parties paused for a moment, catching its breath, in a manner of speaking (since it is debatable whether or not ghouls, being deadish sorts, have need of respiration). The ghost of Sir Walter had been aroused by the disturbance the ghoul created in the ether when he manhandled Sir Walter's books and notes, which were as much a part of the great author's immortality as his immaterial self. The same ethereal disturbance rebounded to shake the ghoul to its rotting core as Sir Walter awoke and rotated in his resting place.

"Blimey," the ghoul said to himself. (He was not a very high-class sort of ghoul, merely the remnant of a burglar shot in the crossfire of a gun battle between his associates of similar low degree and the police. But he was the best Certain Parties could come up with on the spur of the moment. Besides, they hadn't reckoned that destroying part of a historic library required the assistance of a more refined thug, which showed a certain lack of respect for the material they wanted destroyed and its former owner.)

Mind you, Sir Walter Scott was not your typical sort of spirit. Not that his somewhat baroque field of interest had ever given him delusions of grandeur. When he invoked the common broad speech of the common Scot, he was not slumming, as some implied. Nor was he copying Robert Burns, as others would have it. His title might make him a “toff", but it was part of his romanticism that Sir Walter was very proud to be not two generations removed from border raiders and brigands, and that the wife of a former Walter Scott had been known, when the larder was empty, to serve her lord husband his spurs on a plate as a not-too-subtle hint that it was time to take to horse and go rustle a head or two of cattle from the Sassenachs in Northumberland. The "refined" English speech had come later in the family's history. But the qualities of leadership needed in a brigand lord, more than manners and speech, remained even after the outlawry was duly legalized.

In Walter Scott the writer, the leadership took a more imaginative and original turn than mere cattle thieving. In his lifetime he regained the right of the Scots to wear the tartan, even after it had been so thoroughly obliterated that clans, including those who had never affected Highland dress in the past, had to have whole new plaids invented to fit the fashion newly popularized by the English royalty. He found the lost crown jewels of Scotland, which you can see to this day in the treasure room at Edinburgh Castle. He wrote the most popular novels of his day. And, most important to our story, he preserved for posterity and in some cases restored and improved upon the folk ballads of Scotland, the great bloody romantic murder ballads, and the songs that encompassed the highly embroidered history of his land. And all that was in addition to holding down a respectable position in the Scottish superior court and being sheriff of the whole district to boot.

Scottish sheriffs were a little different from the ones in the cowboy movies, but they were lawmen all the same, and Sir Walter was a man of action just as much as anybody you'd see on the Late Show. And if there was one breach of conduct that had gotten him riled while he was alive, it was seeing somebody mistreat a book.

Now, Sir Walter had been an old fellow when he died, with lots of sickness and disappointment and grief to wear him down, just like most folks have. He didn't quite know what to think when he turned over in his grave and found he couldn't get back to sleep, except that he was a little irritated. He'd woke up a few times before to greet old friends now and then, welcome them to the fold, as it were, but mostly he just stayed dead and did whatever it is good dead people do when they aren't messing around with the living. But it dawned on him all of a sudden what that ornery low-class varmint of a ghoul was doing, and that he was doing it to Sir Walter's own beloved library. Sir Walter had paid a dear price for that library and for Abbotsford, had ruined himself putting it all together, and his spirit had been very relieved when the National Trust for Scotland took over the whole shebang. He'd gotten up special then to go to the ceremony and wandered around personally thanking the people, just the way he might have if he were having a birthday party while he was alive.

But he figured out all of a sudden that this ghoul was up to something no spirit with any gumption could just lie there and take, so Sir Walter's spirit, his mortal remains being long turned to dust, rose itself out of the grave at Dryburgh Abbey where he was buried and wished itself at Abbotsford. Without quite knowing what it was wishing, it also wished itself into a handy suit of armor loafing beside the entrance hall and wished itself down. The armor already had a sword conveniently clapped into its metal gloves.

So here you have this deserted mansion in the middle of the night, and Sir Walter's ghost, mad as a wet hen, clanking down that long tiled entranceway and into the study and to the library, clank, clank, clank, swinging that sword a little to get the rust out of the joints of the armor, ghost eyes glowing blue fire through the slit in the helmet, clank, clank, clank, bearing down on that ghoulish crook and demanding in a quavery Scots burr that chilled the ghoul to his own dead marrow, "Wha' the devil are ye aboot?" Of course, Sir Walter's ghost had no idea how close to being right it inadvertently was about the nature of the ghoul's bosses. Him sort of knowing about the devils well and truly spooked the ghoul, you should pardon the expression. The gruesome critter started to drop a first-edition copy of Minstrelsy of the Scottish Borders on the floor but a glare from the ghost froze the ghoul so it set the book nicely on the display case and slunk away, the ghost clanking behind it to see that it did so. When the ghoul was safely out the door, the border collie guardian beast came out from under the table and bowwowed bravely at the departing animated carcass, and even got so brave as to worry a piece of rotting finger bone it had left behind.

Sir Walter's ghost climbed back up onto the armor's niche, rearranged it into its original position, tsked-tsked at the trail of rust chips left on the tiles, and wafted back to the library. As long as he was up he thought he might wander through his beloved library again for a while. His hand itched for a pen. The ghost scene he had just enacted might seem corny to you and me with me telling it like this, but he considered it a classic and it gave him an idea for a story he wished he could write down.