FADING LIGHT illuminated the small living room as Sebastian waited for the sun to set. Once that had happened and the temperature dropped into the eighties, he’d be able to go outside and sit on his covered porch. He loved watching the stars, glittering lights in the black blanket of night.
But tonight it felt different. Old memories. He hadn’t thought about his school days in long years. Some things were best left undisturbed, perhaps. No sense in breaking open closed wounds, was there?
Yet he’d agreed to talk to Matt about his life and times, knowing he’d touch on subjects, memories, and events that were both bittersweet and hard to relive. What he had to say to the younger generation of gay men needed to be said. They needed to know their own history.
Sebastian closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the chair, breathing slowly, letting his mind dance across the years, back to when he had first acted on the knowledge he was different from most of the other boys he knew.
He’d known he was attractive. Had seen the looks from men, some older than his father, some closer to his own age, and everywhere in between. Hungry, appreciative looks. They’d quite turned his head.
What a little twink he was back then.
SEBASTIAN ENTERED the dark bar, brand-new driver’s license to prove he was eighteen and legal tucked in his back pocket. All he’d needed was the nerve and proof of age to go inside, and now that he had both, he didn’t hesitate. More than anything, his body hummed in anticipation.
The bar smelled like stale beer, and he could barely see anyone from the cigarette smoke hanging like a thick cloud in the air. He didn’t smoke, but his parents did, so it didn’t bother him at all. His mother had once told him smoking gave you wrinkles, and that’s all he’d needed not to pick up the habit.
He could feel the weight of the gazes from the men in the bar. Some had turned to see him as he entered. Some faced him and watched him boldly. But all of them lingered over his body.
Hot, hungry looks that got him half-hard.
He’d heard the term “meat market” before, and now he understood it. He tossed his head to fling his bangs out of his face, strolled over to the bar, and slid onto a seat.
It didn’t take two minutes before someone sat next to him.
“Buy you a drink?” The man wore a tweed sports jacket, a wedding ring, and a horrible mustache. His breath smelled of beer.
“Sure.” Sebastian never dreamed it would be this easy.
“What are you drinking?”
He thought fast. Something good, not just beer. “Gin and tonic.” That had always sounded classy to him.
The guy placed the order with the bartender, and the drink arrived.
“First time I’ve seen you here.”
“First time I’ve been here.” Sebastian took a sip, careful not to choke or give away he was only eighteen.
“I need to take a piss. What about you?” Well, there it was. His first proposition, and it had been so crude. He could go with it or wait for another.
“Me too.” Sebastian didn’t want to wait. He wanted some dick. At last. Unlike some women of his age, he didn’t worry about how or to whom he lost his virginity. He had no illusions of a happily ever after, no dreams of a cottage with a white picket fence, no worries of a reputation ruined.
He dreamed about hot, hard dicks filling his hand, his mouth, and his ass.
“You go first.”
Sebastian looked the guy up and down, trying to seem cool about it all. Inside, his heart raced; his internal voice shouted This is it!
“Let me finish my drink.” He took another sip, this time bigger than the last, suddenly needing the liquid courage.
The guy nodded. “No rush. I can wait.”
“Good.” The booze warmed his belly, feeding into the rest of his body.
“You’re worth waiting for.”
“Yes, I am.” Sebastian nodded.
He finished the gin and tonic and slid off the stool. The man paid for the drinks as Sebastian headed to the bathroom. Now his heart thudded in his chest as if he were at a Mardi Gras parade and the bass drum passed by. He had no idea what would happen, but just the suspense of it had him hard, his cock rubbing across the rough denim fabric.
He took his time walking around the bar and to the back where the bathroom was located. One door said Ladies, one said Gents. Sebastian guessed the Ladies didn’t get used very often. He pushed open the door to the men’s room.
Dim light. Three stalls against one wall. One urinal on the opposite wall, next to the sink. A machine in the corner sold condoms for a quarter. He wondered if he needed to buy one, or if the guy would. He wondered what they were about to do. He wondered if this was really what he wanted.
He rubbed his hand over his cock. Yeah, he wanted it.
The door to the bathroom opened and the guy entered.
“Get in a stall.” Well, he’d obviously done this before.
“Which one?”
“Last one works for me.”
Sebastian obeyed. He stepped inside and the guy followed right behind him, crowding him.
Before Sebastian could ask anything, the man unbuckled his belt, slid down his zipper, and pulled out his prick. Sebastian stared at it. His first dick. His was longer, but this one was fatter, uncut, and nearly purple. Good enough for a first time.
The guy offered it to him. “With your full lips, a blow job would be heaven, but I’ll settle for your hand.” He stroked himself as Sebastian watched.
Oh sweet Mother of God, a blow job! The guy wanted Sebastian to suck him?
“Blow job,” Sebastian whispered.
“Great, baby. Get on your knees and take me in your mouth.”
Ignoring whatever was on the floor of the stall, he fell right down on his knees and grabbed the thick meat being offered. Hot, hard, and quite the handful. Sebastian stroked it up and down with his hand, getting used to the heft of the thing, enjoying the feel of it, the slide of his palm against the supple skin as it moved over the hardness underneath. The guy moaned, and a surge of power raced through Sebastian.
“That’s it. Now suck me.”
Sebastian took a deep breath and exhaled, blowing warm air over the swollen red head. The guy shivered. “Shit. No one’s ever done that before.”
He blew again and got another shiver.
From where he knelt, the musky odor of the guy filled the stall. He inhaled deeply, taking it in, and the scent went straight to his dick. Without another thought he opened his mouth and licked at the swollen, leaking head.
Bitterness burst across his tongue, but he took another swipe, savoring it as the guy moaned and wrapped his fingers in Sebastian’s short-cropped hair. “Come on, baby, don’t tease me… suck me down.”
Sebastian put his lips on the head as if kissing it, then opened wide and swallowed. The man pushed forward, dragging Sebastian’s head toward his body. Sebastian gagged. He pushed back on the man’s hipbones to give himself a little space, then settled.
Jesus Christ, he had some guy’s dick in his mouth. And he liked it! This time he bobbed down the length of the prick and back, setting up a rhythm.
“Use your hand. Like this.” The man grabbed his dick and jerked on it. “Fuck, yeah, that’s good.” His hips thrust forward.
Sebastian took over for him and continued to suck and jerk the guy off, listening to the moans and grunts above him. Once or twice he glanced up to watch the face of the nameless man. Eyes closed, head back, body quivering, the look of pleasure was unmistakable. And that Sebastian was bringing that pleasure filled him with power.
He closed his eyes and sucked harder, moving his tongue around the flesh filling his mouth, savoring the flavor. His own cock strained against his jeans, needing release.
“Here it comes!” The guy held Sebastian’s head down, thrusting hard and fast. It was all Sebastian could do to keep his mouth open and let the man fuck him there.
The guy froze with a hard grunt, and hot cum shot into Sebastian’s mouth until it leaked from his lips around the cock. Bitter, it filled his mouth and he swallowed, only choking a little. As he did, the guy shuddered.
Fingers ran through Sebastian’s hair, then petted him and released him at last.
“Fuck, that was so good.”
Sebastian sat back on his heels, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He’d done it. Sucked a dick. Tasted a man’s cum, not his own.
The man reached into his pocket, pulled out a wad of bills, and handed Sebastian a twenty. “Stay in here for five minutes, then come out,” he ordered.
Twenty bucks. He’d never seen so much money.
Sebastian took the money, shoved it in his pocket, nodded, and stood as the guy left the stall and the bathroom. Sebastian’s cock throbbed, and he needed to come in the worst way. Leaning against the back of the stall door, Sebastian unzipped his jeans, pulled out his dick, and jerked off.
It only took a minute or so of hard, fast strokes and the memory of his mouth on that guy’s dick, and he shot his load onto the wall of the stall, painting it with cum.
He blinked, noticed that his weren’t the only streaks drying on the wall, stuffed his dick back in his pants, and left the bathroom. Outside in the bar, the man was gone.
Sebastian took his seat at the bar, the money he’d earned warming his pocket. Before he could order his next drink, another man slid onto the barstool next to him.
“Hey, what are you drinking?”
Sebastian looked at the older man and smiled.
“Gin and tonic.”
“SO, WHERE were we?” Matt scanned his notes.
It was the next morning and he’d reviewed the video earlier, made notes of the conversation and questions, and come up with new ones to ask.
“We were getting remarkably close to my telling you about my first sexual experience.” Sebastian winked as he settled into the same chair.
Matt’s camera loved Sebastian, and once again he was struck by the timeless beauty of the older man.
Matt thought it had been no mistake that the chair Sebastian chose to sit in had the most wonderful natural lighting coming through the window. His silver hair shimmered in the light, and his blue eyes appeared crystalline.
“You told me about your first kiss. I want to know about your first time.”
“First time for what?” Sebastian raised his eyebrows. “There are lots of firsts, lamb.”
Matt sighed. “The first time you ever fucked.”
“Oh, that first time.” Sebastian smirked.
“It must’ve been quite dangerous back then.”
“Indeed. Dangerous. Frightening.” Sebastian shrugged. “I had no idea what I was doing, of course. Just knew what I wanted.” He smiled and waved a hand. “The heart knows, right?”
“Right.” Matt chuckled.
“I was nineteen. He was older. And married.”
Matt raised an eyebrow. “Did it last long?”
“Almost a year. I fell in love with him.” Sebastian’s gaze grew distant. “He was in lust with me and in love with his wife. Or at least with her money.” He ran his finger over the arm of the chair, as if feeling it for the first time.
“He broke it off?”
“Oh yes. His wife found out and insisted.” Sebastian shrugged.
“Wow. If he was married, was he bi? Was he gay?”
“I suppose you could call it bisexual. But most gay men married back then. He had two kids. Even as hot as I was at nineteen, though, I was no match for the cloak of respectability, a prestigious uptown address, and old New Orleans money.”
“You were heartbroken?”
“Yes. But it all turned out all right, you see.” Sebastian waved his hand toward the courtyard. “I got the statues.”
Matt nearly choked. “It was the sculptor? The one who did the fountain?”
“The very one.” Sebastian looked smug. “I bought it from his estate when he died for a fraction of what it was worth.”
Matt shook his head, marveling at the older man, who merely winked at him. He changed the subject with his next question.
“What about your parents? You said you never told them you were gay, but did they know?”
“No.”
“They had no idea?”
“I had no idea… not really. How could they know?” He shrugged. “I suppose Mother had an inkling. Father couldn’t be bothered with me. Back then the men worked, came home, ate dinner, watched television, and went to bed. They had little interaction with their children. We were seen and not heard.”
“When did you tell them?”
“That I was gay?” Sebastian looked out the window, lost in thought. Matt waited until the old man spoke again. “I don’t think I ever said the words ‘I’m gay’ to either of them. My father died at work of a massive heart attack when I was thirty-five. My mother lived for ten more years and then died of lung cancer.”
“But they never questioned you? Your parents never asked why you didn’t marry? About grandkids?”
“In the beginning, yes. Mother would mention finding a ‘good woman,’ but that didn’t last long. I never brought anyone home, and by the time I was twenty, I had moved into one side of a small shotgun double uptown. After a while they quit asking.”
Matt frowned. “So did you ever ‘come out’?”
“Many times. To myself? That’s the most important one of all. It’s like AA. First you have to admit it to yourself. Then there were my friends, some of whom, I might add, hadn’t even come out themselves. But it wasn’t a one-time thing, my dear. For me it was a reoccurring thing spanning a long period of time. Sort of like a process, more than a single defining event.”
“I understand. No big revelation, no pronouncement.”
“Not publicly. It just wasn’t done. Oh, my friends knew, of course. I never went to college, but I hung around with the art, music, and dance students. Queers were practically falling like rain around me.”
“Raining men?” Matt asked.
“Hallelujah!” Sebastian sang, as he raised his hands.
Matt laughed, trying to hold the camera steady. He’d been waiting to ask one particular question, for the time to be right. Now that Sebastian had spoken about his early twenties, it might be the right time.
“But it was the fifties, right?”
Sebastian nodded.
“The war in Korea was happening. How did you not get drafted?”
The old man paled, just for a moment, then recovered. He glanced out the window, then back at the camera. “I did.”
“Did you go to Korea?”
“No. I never served.” He picked at an invisible piece of fluff on his jacket. “I suppose you could say I ‘came out.’ I checked the box stating I was a homosexual. Actually, now I think about it, that was the first time I’d said it to someone who wasn’t gay.”
“Were you questioned about it?”
“Oh yes. I spoke with an Army psychologist. Fortunately he believed me. I think the offer to give him a blow job did it.” He laughed, then sighed. “I suppose, if I’d had the money, I could’ve gotten out of it some other way, but I didn’t.” He shook his head. “For me, there was no way out but one. I took it.”
“Did most of the gays you knew do the same?”
“Some. Others went. It was perceived as a terrible social stigma to get a 4F rating. There was no ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’ You didn’t tell—at all. Some of my friends came back; some didn’t. The ones who did weren’t quite the same as before, you see. You could tell them at a glance, at the bars. You knew who the vets were. It was in their eyes.” Sebastian dabbed at his own eyes with a monogrammed cotton hankie he pulled from his pocket. “Thank God, the war only lasted three years.”
“I’m sorry. Is this upsetting you?”
“Yes. But it’s fine, dear boy. These things must be told. I want people to understand.” Sebastian gave him a quick smile.
“Let’s go back to your first time. You said you were nineteen.”
“Yes. Drinking age was eighteen in New Orleans.” Sebastian nodded. “So by nineteen, I’d had the random bathroom in the bar experience, no names, little eye contact. Hand and blow jobs were de rigueur.”
“There were many gay bars back then?”
“Oh yes. Mostly in the Quarter, but a few in the warehouse district and in the Marigny. All were on the down-low, for our own protection. The police were not as ‘diversity’-minded as today. They raided our bars all the time, and if they caught you in the act, off to jail you’d go. If they caught you dancing together, you’d go to jail. Sometimes just being in the bar would get you arrested.”
“I suppose you didn’t land in jail.”
“Never. Although a time or two it was close.” Sebastian laughed. “Thank God for back doors and windows.”
“Tell me about your first blow job. Was it in a bar bathroom?”
“Oh, child, aren’t they all?” Sebastian flipped his hand. “Well, I won’t be modest. I was hot back then and I knew it. I’d heard the whispers about the bars. What you could get there, or have done to you. How much money you could make. No details, mind you, but plenty of vague suggestions.” He rolled his eyes. “I was a babe in the woods. Eager to learn, but all wide-eyed innocence.”
“You were eighteen?”
“Barely legal. You can just guess how in demand I found myself.” Sebastian gave him a wink.
“You loved it, didn’t you?” Matt laughed.
“Every minute, dear boy, every minute.”