OF ALL the ways Jaswant imagined revealing his secrets would end, having his heart ripped out wasn’t one of them. He knew there was a chance Christophe would be pissed, but he banked on those three words—I love you—to make up for all of it.
How could I have been so wrong about everything?
After his world exploded, Jaswant wandered the streets. He didn’t go home for hours. At one point when he looked up and blinked, he was sitting at the edge of the deck by the lake, legs swinging in the air as the world grew darker around him. As peaceful as the water was, Jaswant couldn’t stay there all night. He couldn’t really hide from the world forever, but he was sure as hell going to try.
The night passed with him tossing and turning in bed. When that threatened to drive him mad, Jaswant sat in a dark corner of his room, pressed his back into the wall, and stretched his legs out before him.
Time didn’t fly by. That was the longest night of his life.
The next day, Jaswant steered clear of the office. He called to inform Miranda he wouldn’t be in that day and hung up before she could start asking questions.
Jaswant had a few decisions to make.
He made his way to Anju’s office. She was in a meeting, so he waited, impatiently tapping his leg on the hardwood floor. When she finally hurried out, she had on a worried expression. Still, he hugged her, then led her into her office and closed the door. They remained silent for an eternity. He knew she had questions, but all he could do was press his lips into a thin line and sit across from her, staring down at his hands in his lap. Lacing his fingers, he pressed his elbows into his thighs and hunched forward. Nothing seemed right anymore. Everything had imploded so quickly. It was like he was watching himself fall and could do nothing to stop it.
Anju cleared her throat, said something about instructing her secretary about a few things, and quickly left the room. Jaswant couldn’t seem to concentrate on her words, but he nodded nonetheless.
By the time the door finally clicked and opened, Jaswant was standing by the window behind the elegant desk. He had been staring up at the clear blue sky, wondering how the world was still spinning when he felt as if everything had died.
“Hey, Jas…. Okay. Now you have my full and undivided….” She stopped speaking when he turned to face her. “Jas?”
“Main achchhee tarah”—his voice cracked—“se nahin lag raha hai.”
“Sick? Do you need an ambulance? How about I call Dr. Shota?” She dumped her things on her desk and walked around to press her open palm to his forehead.
“Not ill, Anju—just disgusted with myself and what I allowed to happen.”
“Oh, big brother, what’s wrong?”
“Things got out of hand, Anju…. I didn’t mean for them to go this far, but it just—it happened.”
Anju hugged him, caressing his back gently while holding him tight. “What do you mean, got out of hand?”
Jaswant allowed his forehead to fall to her shoulder. “With Christophe. You know I didn’t mean to hurt him.”
“I know that, sweetie. But tell me what happened?”
She led him back to the chair and helped him into it.
Jaswant took a breath and met Anju’s concerned gaze. Then the whole story tumbled from his lips. It was like the moment he began, he couldn’t stop himself.
“Jas….”
“I know. You told me not to let it go this far—shit, I know! But the way his body reacted to me was incredible. I knew it was wrong, but I—damn it. This wasn’t supposed to end like this.”
“It can’t end. Your friendship can endure anything.”
“Anything, but not this.”
“Come on, Jas….”
“Trust me, Anju. We’re never coming back from this. There’s no possible way we can.”
“Jas, I warned you about that, about making it go too far before telling him. Main samajh mein nahin aata.”
“What don’t you understand?”
“Why would you have sex with him before you told him who you were? That doesn’t make sense.”
“And you think I wanted it to happen like that?” Jaswant dragged his fingers through his hair and took a breath. “In my head the only time we’d make love would be after he knew and had some time to reconcile the idea of me being his lover. Going in, my plan was to tease him a little and then tell him over dinner and see where things went. But then he looked so good and came alive after one kiss….”
Jaswant hung his head. He couldn’t kill the images of Christophe’s perfect ass in the air, the soft gasps that left his body, the way he called Raj’s name—damn, he called for Raj.
“Do you think I wanted him to be screaming some other man’s name?” Jaswant trembled as jealousy pulsed through him. “I wanted him to be yelling mine. Jaswant, not Raj. No, having sex with him there wasn’t the plan at all.”
“I’m sorry, hon.”
“None of this makes any sense,” Jaswant continued. “I mean, why did I have to fall for him? Of all the people in this whole damn world, why him?”
“I don’t know the answer to that. Maybe you two have been friends for too long. I still don’t get why you didn’t tell him before you two made love.”
“I got lost. I missed my way.”
She sighed. “So what are you going to do? You two own a business together. You can’t just not talk for the rest of your lives.”
“You’re right.” Jaswant licked his suddenly dried lips and rested completely into the chair. The small of his back throbbed fiercely, but he didn’t take time to enjoy it. He sat up again. “I’m going to give him my share in the company. It’s the least I can do after the shit I put him through.”
“That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think? Business should be kept separate from pleasure. You can’t walk away from that place just because you made a mistake.”
Jaswant shook his head. “You didn’t see the look in his eyes when he found out, the way he ran away from me.”
“Come on, Jas. Talk to him. It can’t be all that bad. Tell him what you told me—that you were helpless once he reacted to you the way he did and you’re sorry.”
Jaswant smiled and lifted a hand to caress the side of her face. “I really do think you believe that will help.”
“It has to,” Anju said. “True love isn’t supposed to hurt.”
“It isn’t supposed to be one-sided either.”
Anju fell silent, her lips pressed into a thin line.
Jaswant could see the wheels cranking inside her head. He nodded and inhaled. “I should go. You have work to do and I have some decisions to make.”
“No. Work can wait. You’re more important.”
“It’s fine. Really.”
“Brother, maybe all you need is a small vacation. You haven’t touched the inheritance Mom and Dad left you—that’s more than enough to help you not work again. So, take a trip, clear your mind, then come back and make your decisions. But don’t make them now when you’re so sad.”
He said nothing. Instead, he kissed her forehead and hugged her tightly. “Mei tumsey pyaar kartaa hun.”
Anju gave in. “I love you too. Just promise me you won’t do anything today.”
“I won’t do anything drastic today, I promise.”
True to his words, Jaswant didn’t do anything drastic. He knew if he stayed on the street, he would eventually find his way to the office, so he went home, grabbed a couple of beers, and plopped down in front of the television. Twenty minutes later he was bored out of his mind. He never truly understood how dull daytime television was until he had nothing else.
Sleeping was out of the question. Every time he closed his eyes, Christophe came to him, arching and moaning in heated delight. So for the rest of the day, Jaswant just stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling. The phone rang twice, but each time he merely ignored it. By the time it got dark, Jaswant was irritated and sore. He sat up, and though his stomach growled, he focused on searching the Internet.
Anju was right. He needed a vacation.
But where could he go that he wouldn’t be disturbed? If he went away, he’d have to go somewhere he’d be alone to calm down and make the decisions that would last the rest of his life. Did he give up on Christophe, or should he fight? If he did decide to walk away, could he sell his share of the business?
Where would he go? He could go to India—but that’d be the first place Anju looked, and Jaswant was positive she’d be on the next flight to make sure he was okay.
So, India was definitely out. Maybe he should just stick around.
But if he chose to stay, could he watch Christophe with another man, knowing the one who should have been holding Christophe was him?
Jaswant’s head throbbed painfully.
Frowning, he grabbed another beer and crawled back into bed.
Alcohol wasn’t the answer for anything, but Jaswant needed a way to dull the shame and regret he had rushing through him. What he’d done to Christophe was beyond wrong, and he couldn’t seem to get that out of his mind. One beer turned into a next and another, until he passed out.
The only difference about the next day was Jaswant’s hangover. His brain felt as if it was rattling around in his skull every time he moved, and the house couldn’t be dark enough to suit him.
After making himself a greasy breakfast of fried eggs, sausages, and bacon, he forwent the coffee and drank water instead. He had to get his body hydrated again. Once he was full, he got a hold of Miranda to take another day off, but this time he asked her to patch all calls through to his cell phone if anyone needed to speak with him.
His out-of-office day didn’t stop Jaswant from getting bombarded with work. Half his morning was spent fielding calls from a few clients regarding the paperwork for their new places. No one was patient. He understood they were excited about moving in, but there was a way to do things the right way. He was polite in explaining that to them, but all he wanted to do was rip his hair out right before telling all of them to take a long walk off a short pier.