CHRISTOPHE WENT for a run with Jaswant after they were able to detangle themselves from each other’s arms. As they made their way, Christophe couldn’t help thinking of Rex and Anju. He wondered why Rex had to leave the island so suddenly the night before. Though he wanted to call, he figured if something was wrong, Anju would have called Jaswant or Rex would have called him.
They made their way along a path, passing other joggers with friendly waves. As they neared the beach, Jaswant waved to two men going the other way.
Christophe glanced over. Jaswant said nothing, so they continued along silently. In fact, Christophe was moving ahead of Jaswant.
When the curiosity inside Christophe’s head wouldn’t remain silent anymore, he turned and trotted backward while watching Jaswant. “Did you sleep with one of them?”
“Sleep with whom?”
“One of those two guys.” Christophe motioned back down the road.
“Would you be jealous if I had?”
Christophe groaned, turned, and kept on running.
“Whoa!” Jaswant exclaimed. “Wait a minute!” Jaswant charged after him before grabbing his arm and tugging Christophe to face him. “Wait, you can’t just throw something like that out there, then walk away.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to answer the question. Are you jealous?”
“Why should I be jealous?” Christophe couldn’t meet Jaswant’s eyes. “Just because he’s buff with beautiful dark hair, and sensual lips, and the eyes of a god, doesn’t mean I’m jealous.”
Jaswant cradled Christophe’s face. “No. I didn’t sleep with either of them.”
“Shit.”
“What now?”
“I’ve never been the jealous type. You know me.” Christophe walked away. “I always thought if he wanted to go, help him pack. Now every man who looks at you cross-eyed, I want to punch in the face for breathing. I mean, this morning alone—all these beautiful European men kept giving you the eye as you jogged by them, and I find myself wondering why you chose me over all of them.”
Jaswant smiled, and Christophe wanted to punch him.
“Don’t laugh at me.”
“I’m not.” Jaswant approached him. “Christophe, I didn’t choose you, mera dil tumhen chuna.”
“Your heart….”
“I told you how I felt—how I still feel. It hasn’t changed, even when you wanted my head on a pike. I still have this overwhelming love for you that is not friendly.” Jaswant dragged his fingers through his wet-looking hair and exhaled loudly. “Nothing friendly about it at all. Right now I’m waiting for you to catch up. But if I was to be honest, I’ve been here all this time—I can’t wait forever.”
“Meaning you’d just go out there and fall for someone else.”
A small smile cracked Jaswant’s lips. “No. It means after a while I’ll have to face the truth that you are never going to come around to seeing me as anything more and it will be time to cut my losses and move on. Who knows—move here and find something else to do. That’s how life is.”
Christophe nodded. He turned to the water and inhaled the salted air. There were so many things that scared him about the changing landscape of their relationship. Everything had him on edge, but he knew two things: he had very deep feelings for Jaswant and they terrified him. When he saw those men looking at Jaswant, his world slowly began imploding around him. He wished he wasn’t always in his head, that he could come out and tell Jaswant what he so obviously needed to hear. But there was something holding him back.
“Besides, it doesn’t work like that,” Jaswant continued. “You don’t just fall in love with someone else.”
“I don’t get any of this.”
Jaswant smiled. “That’s the point. Love is indefinable. That’s why, when it hits you, it’s hard. Look, I’m not asking you to make a decision today, or even tomorrow.”
“But time is running out.”
“Ticktock.”
Christophe turned.
“I don’t want to pressure you, Chris. But I can’t lie to you. Not again.”
“When did you lie to me?”
Jaswant smiled. “Raj?”
“Oh. We should head back.”
Jaswant leaned in to kiss Christophe, and instead of running back, they walked silently, their fingers looped together. Christophe used the passing time to enjoy the strength of Jaswant’s fingers and the warmth of his skin. Even as they made their way past other people, he didn’t pull his hand away and felt no shame in what they were doing. A few people whispered, but Christophe merely lifted his chin.
Back at the house, he allowed Jaswant to shower first while he hurried down the hall to lock himself in with Rex on the phone.
“You’re still breathing,” Christophe teased. “The way you rushed out of the restaurant last night, I swear the world was ending.”
Rex laughed. “Nothing quite so… doom and gloom. She just needed me.”
“I see.” Christophe shrugged needlessly. “Jaswant loves me, Rex.”
“You suck at segues.”
Christophe laughed. “Sorry. I can’t help it.”
“It’s okay.”
“I’m not talking best-friend love.” Christophe went on. “I’m talking one day walking down the aisle love. Every time he touches me, I melt.”
“And that’s a good thing. What’s the issue?”
“I’m scared. In his arms, in his bed, I feel ready. Then I see other men look at him, and in my head, I imagine he will see my insecurities and leave.”
“That’s just it—it’s in your head. Jaswant is a good man. As long as I’ve known him, he’s never once disappointed you or done anything to hurt you—well, not on purpose.”
“What’re you saying?”
“Christophe, this is your life. I can tell you what I think until the cows come home, then leave again. But you will have to live with that decision. Just know he won’t wait forever.”
“Yeah. He told me that today.”
Rex sighed loudly. “See? Throw caution to the wind and jump off the highest diving board, big brother. I’m sure Jas will be there to save you. If not, I will be, and then once you’re on dry land, I’ll kick his ass.”
Christophe laughed. “Thanks. Are you still with Anju?”
“Yeah. I think she wants to make love but is a little shy in telling me. I’m letting her take the lead with this.”
“Good man. Well, call if you need me. And I’ll make sure my cell is turned off next time.”
“Much appreciated.” Rex laughed.
After hanging up the phone, Christophe sat back for a silent moment to gather his thoughts as best he could. He kept thinking he had to be the biggest hypocrite ever. He trusted Jaswant with his body—why not his heart?