26

DAY 14/ANGER

 

Fourteen days. No calls. No texts. No email. No Shane. This breakup was supposed to be like all the others. We fight and then we make up. Even Carrie and Big had three major breakups before they finally got married. Except it’s day fourteen and not one word from Shane. I guess he really meant what he said.

This is happening.

He’s really gone.

I peel myself out of the bed and schlep my way into the bathroom. I stare at the dark circles around my eyes and my tangled hair, wondering how I’m going to pull myself together to go into the office. No amount of make-up that I own can fix this. I look haggard. But if I don’t get back to work, they are going to think I’m dying. The flu excuse worked the first week, but I have a feeling after day fourteen, they’ll want a doctor’s note. I can’t lose my man and my job. I stand up straight and accept my fate. We didn’t make it, and Shane has dumped me for good. Then I start to cry.

What an asshole. He could at least call and check to see how I’m managing. Or not. I’m sure it would hurt him to know that all I’ve been doing is crying. Except he’ll never know. My phone doesn’t ring. It feels like he’s not even thinking of me. How could that be? Is it possible that he’s not hurting just as much as I am? It doesn’t make any sense. Nothing is making sense anymore. I scream. I miss him so much. And just like that, I feel another piece of my heart chip, breaking into a million little pieces.

Mending my broken heart is useless. My crying never ceases. Morning, noon, and night, I leave a trail of snotty tissues from the kitchen to my bedroom. They are everywhere. As for Bailey, she’s between her dad and my mom, Joan. Don’t want her ‘catching the flu’ is my go-to excuse, but my mom knows the truth. I could never let Bailey see me like this. That’s what’s pissing me off. He’s off happy in his new life and has left me to grieve this breakup alone. It isn’t fair. Fuck-that-selfish-bitch-ass-nigga!

When I arrive at the office, I place my shades on so no one can see I’ve been crying. And unfortunately for me, when I sit down at my computer, staring back at me is my screensaver, a photo of us dancing at the holiday party. Shit. I forgot I even set this, and I don’t know how to change it. Instead of calling the IT department, I imagine running into him. We’re in a nightclub; I walk right up to him with a bottle in my hand and hit him over the head. Then I’m at the grocery store and he walks out with an armful of bags. I slam on the gas and strike him with my car at top speed. Then I’m at Chick-fil-A grabbing lunch. He’s walking out as I’m walking in. I hit his hand, knocking his food and drinks all over him. “Yeah, I better not see that fucker in the streets.”

I look at the photo again and this time the breakup starts playing like a movie on replay in my mind. What have I done? I shouldn’t have let him leave, or at least I should have made it harder for him. I let him off a bit easy. Instead of understanding, I should have begged him not to leave. I should have made a complete fool of myself, throwing myself down at his feet, latching onto his leg, and pleading for him not to go. I shake my head, hoping to rid my mind of its memories. Perhaps I should have grabbed him, kissed him. I know, trapped him. I’m sure I could have gotten pregnant again that night. Then right about now, I’d be calling him and telling him the news. This is ludicrous.

If only I had known it was the last night I would ever see him, I would have done things differently. But I didn’t know, he did, and he robbed me of that. Why? Why did things have to end suddenly? It was so unexpected. I wish I knew so that I could have planned for it. Protected my heart. I feel so exposed. It’s becoming hard to breathe again. I shut my eyes tight and count backwards from twenty.

“Good morning, Bryn.” Lisette walks into our dark office and places a muffin from Panera Bread on my desk. “I wasn’t sure if you’d eaten today.”

She’s so kind.

“Would you like some hot tea?”

I nod yes. When she returns, I turn my chair around to face her and nibble at my muffin. “I appreciate this.”

“Whatever it is, it will pass. I know this.” She turns her chair to face me. “Difficulties seem like they will never get better. But just think about your life five years ago and where you were. You’ve overcome so much. Imagine what the next five years will be like. It will be great.” Lisette sits across from me with her hands folded in her lap. “This too shall pass.”

“He said he could never see me again, and he meant it.” Covering my face with both hands, I take a deep breath, trying to fight back a tidal wave of emotions. “He doesn’t love her. He’s still in love with me! He’s trying to do what’s best for him right now and I get that. I do. But I miss him. And not talking to him is killing me.”

Lisette gives me a hug. “Oh no, Bryn.”

“I want to tell him.” I grab my phone. “I’ll call him.”

Lisette places her hand firmly on mine. “He knows. Trust me, he knows.”

“What if he marries her?” I cry, clenching my phone. “My heart can’t take it. I will die, I’m sure of it. I can’t breathe.”

“I am so so so so sorry, Bryn.”

Lisette is giving me a hug when Harry arrives at our office wearing an official Shane Smith jersey. “Don’t let me interrupt,” he jokes.

If I weren’t wearing these shades, the look I’m giving him would surely get me fired.

Lisette hands me the box of tissues before addressing Harry. “Is there something I can help you with? Bryn isn’t feeling good today. She’s going to be taking the afternoon off.”

“Nah, just getting ready for the big game. Did you go to the game last Sunday, Bryn?”

“No.”

“Man, tell Shane I said thanks. He came over to my section and autographed some stuff. He even pointed up at me. It was freaking awesome! I got it on video. Want to see it?”

“Okay,” Lisette says. “Excuse me, Harry, but Bryn needs to leave for the day. You don’t want this flu bug. I’m going to see her to her car.” Lisette gets my muffin, purse, keys, and helps me with my coat. When we reach my car, she gives me a concerned look. “Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?”

“I got here. I’ll be fine.”

It’s not like I’m going to run him over with the car he bought me. Not that I haven’t thought about it. I will crash into his Range Rover if I see him on my way home. It’s in his best interests not to drive down my street or anywhere near it. “I hate him for this.”

“Do you want to call Jen?” Lisette unlocks the door and helps me in. “I think you should call someone. I don’t feel safe with you on the road like this. Just whatever you do, don’t call Shane. Call me if you have to. Just don’t call him.”

“If I call him, it’s only to curse him out for hurting me. Bastard!” What if he doesn’t answer? “I hate him.” I hate that I start to cry. Pulling my door shut, I put my car in reverse and wave goodbye to Lisette. All I know is, he’s going to regret the day he met me.

Jen calls me on my way home and instructs me to come directly to her house. It’s not like I have anywhere else to be, so I listen and instead of going into my house and crawling under the covers, I go to her house and plop down on her comfy sofa. “I hate him.”

She hands me a drink. “Let me preface this by telling you that Shane is a horrible, heinous individual.” Jen downs her drink and pours another. Turning her back to me, I hear her mumbling to herself, “Rip the Band-Aid. Just rip it.”

“He’s actually trying to make it work with her. Well guess what, Sherlock, it won’t.” I laugh. “I can’t believe he’s trying. Oh, my bad. It’s not you, it’s me. Really?” I purse my lips. “Excuses! Whatever! I should egg his house. Then again, I may run him over with my car on sight. I’m soooo angry I could burst!”

Jen spins to face me. “I know, and that’s why I was going to call over the cavalry.”

“For?” I shrug and knock back my drink. “Thanks, I needed that.” I slam the glass on her table and slouch back in her chair. “I think I can take him on my own. I feel like I have the strength of a thousand men. I can feel it tingling in my toes. If I had a gun right about now, I would shoot him. In his foot, of course.”

“Thank God you aren’t a gun owner.”

“Thank you, Jesus.” Tears begin to fall again.

“Bryn…”

“I’ll be okay. It will pass. He’ll call. I know him. We’ve got something special.”

“Oh Bryn.” Jen’s stern look softens. “I’m so sorry. I got a call today.”

“Yep!” I kick my feet up, close my eyes, and exhale loudly. “My phone didn’t ring. Fourteen days and that fucker hasn’t sent a kite, a raven, or a fucking fart in the wind. Nope, nada, nothing. And you want to know the saddest part? I almost fucking texted him today, ya know. Why today of all days, I don’t know.” I can’t stop the tears from falling. “I just want to tell him that I love him and miss him dearly.”

“Shane’s getting married!” she blurts.

I sit in her chair, not moving.

“Bryn. I need you to breathe. Bryn?” Jen claps her hands together.

“What did you just say? Shane’s getting married? When?”

“Right now.”

“What!” I leap out of the chair. “Where?”

“I don’t know.” Jen runs after me.

“How do you know this?”

Jen grabs my hand. “I got a call from Mandy saying she came across a marriage license filed two weeks ago. I told you then that there was more to the story. Your intuition was right. I didn’t know what to do and I wanted to confirm so I called Qmar. For what it’s worth, he told me to tell you that out of everyone, you were always his favorite. You were his choice for Shane.”

“His favorite? What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I need to be Shane’s choice.”

“He also said Shane and Carice are getting married, tonight. He’s on his way to the wedding.”

“Right now?”

Jen stands motionless staring back at me.

Tears shower my cheeks. “Jen, like right now?” I feel breathless and slightly lightheaded.

“Right before you walked through the door.”

I shake my head no. “Call every church in the state of Maryland! The city of Baltimore. In fact, start in Baltimore County.” I grab my phone, not knowing where to start, and just start Googling ‘Shane Smith wedding location’, as if it’s going to give it to me.

“Bryn! What’s the point! It’s too late. This is happening whether you believe it or not.”

“It can’t, Jen! I can’t live without him.”

“What are you going to do? Run and stop him?”

This is my worst nightmare becoming a reality before my eyes. I let that man walk out of my house, I can’t let him walk down that aisle. “Jen, please help me, I’ve got to try!”