27

DAY 30/BARGAINING

 

I think a lot, especially at night when I’m in my room and the house is quiet. I can still feel him. His presence is here with me. Not only can I not get the vivid memories of him out of my mind, he’s very much still in my bed. It’s hard to sleep. He meets me in my dreams. It’s pure agony. Mornings are even worse, because it’s a new day knowing Shane is no longer a part of my life. It’s so painful I feel like I’m going to die. My heartbeat feels faint and my breathing is shallow. My next breath may be my very last. I know it’s irrational to think that I’m going to die, but there is nothing indicating otherwise. I inhale deeply, holding my breath for ten seconds and exhaling out of my mouth. I repeat again, and again, but it’s of no use. I’m unable to quiet my mind. The worst thoughts won’t go away.

But the reality for me is that he is the walking dead. While he is still very much alive to everyone else, Bailey, Jen, and I are all in constant mourning. The space that he once occupied in each of us is now a void. I liken it to a deep grave.

I prepare for the day, as usual, and get Bailey to school. She finally found out about the breakup and Shane’s marriage to Carice. She caught me crying one evening when I was refreshing my messages, hoping that one would come through. I was thinking ‘how many weeks are going to pass without him saying a single word?’ It was three weeks since our breakup and I was so furious I threw my phone against the wall so hard that the screen cracked. When Bailey retrieved it and brought it to my room later that night, she told me that she read through my text messages and understood why Uncle Shane hadn’t returned any of her calls. When I heard that, I immediately dialed his number and found out it was no longer in service.

My mental and emotional health are at an all-time low. My days are filled with misery and I just sit in it, unable to free myself of its grip. It’s a lonely, dark, and dreary place. It gets so dark it terrifies me, and still, I don’t have the strength to fight it. Instead of looking to God to pull me out, I sink deeper, blabbing about Shane to anyone who will listen.

At work, Lisette has taken the day off so I bury myself in work. At the end of the day, Harry stops by to check on me so it’s his turn to hear my woes. After I’ve been talking non-stop for about fifteen minutes, he finally gets the chance to speak.

“Bryn, you’re such a great catch,” Harry tries to convince me, “I mean, you’re young, beautiful, director of a multi-million-dollar company. He’s nuts! Man, if I had a woman like you, I’d—”

“He definitely had a lapse in judgment. I mean, who marries a so-called crazy woman? A so-called crazy woman who you claim not to love.”

“Well, believe it or not Bryn, men love crazy women.”

“So, are you telling me the key to keeping Shane was to act crazy? You should have shared that man-code with me months ago. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so accepting. When he tried to break up with me, I could have gut-punched him and told him he wasn’t going anywhere.” I karate chop the air.

“Wouldn’t have hurt to have tried. It’s something about crazy women that men love. We know they’re bad for us, but we’re drawn to them like bees to honey.”

“You’ve met Carice, remember? You know that girl was wild.”

“Oh, I’ll never forget. That one was definitely a firecracker. On sports radio this morning they called it a shotgun wedding.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she held a gun to his head. I just wish he could have been honest with me when I asked him. I knew it!” I ball my fists. “It was like I could read his mind. As soon as he said he was going back, I knew it was ending in marriage. I didn’t want to believe it, but I felt it in my gut. It’s just that he convinced me otherwise, so I wasn’t prepared for this. He let it go off like a bomb in my face.”

“No way he was going to tell you that to your face.” Harry leans back in his chair.

“He owed me that. He could have followed up with a call or a text. I shouldn’t have found out from anyone but him. Two weeks! Two weeks, Harry. He’d already filed for a marriage license when he broke things off with me. If Mandy hadn’t told my best friend, I wouldn’t have had any warning.”

“Wow! Mandy?”

“If it weren’t for her, I would have found out from the local newspaper. That fucking picture is everywhere. ‘Shane marries his best friend’. What a fucking joke. Even he knows it’s a lie.”

“Did you read the line from his publicist?”

“Most definitely. He did not come up with those words. They were so forced. I know the real Shane and he didn’t write that shit. Besides, I know he doesn’t love her.”

“He’ll never forget you. Trust me.”

“From the looks of it, he already has. I swear, my mind just won’t stop trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I’ve analyzed this thing a million ways and I now know I’m second guessing everything. Maybe he never really loved me. Love is an action word and love wouldn’t have let him do this to me. Not like this.”

“We lie to the ones we love.” Harry rocks back in his chair. “And what about the love for his kids? Sounds like he was forced to make a choice.”

My eyes get teary. “Thanks for letting me vent.”

“Anytime. I was rooting for y’all. I think he’s going to be calling you again one day.”

“He won’t be calling. That’s not his style. But I give them two years, if that.”

“Want to make it official?” Harry pulls out a dollar and pins it to his board. “Dollar bet.”

“I’m going to take your money.” I chuckle for the first time in a month. I didn’t realize it was still possible. It feels kinda good. “Thanks for listening.”

“You’ll get through this. The important thing is to talk about it. You don’t want to hold it in.”

“I appreciate it. Thanks for caring.”

“Goodnight, Bryn.”

I wave Harry goodnight and pack up my things to leave the office. I get into my car and search the station for something upbeat. It’s of no use, I still feel so alone. I decide to call my mom. “Hey there.”

“Hey, hey, hey.”

“Today was another rough one.”

“Did you talk to Shane?”

“Hell no! Why would you ask me that?” I instantly get an attitude and want to hang up on her.

“Well, I heard some news. I spoke to my girlfriend Charmaine. You know the one who’s ex works down at the courthouse?”

“Not really, but go ahead. What about her?” My heart starts to race.

“Well, she said that her ex was working the day. The day, you know, Shane went to court. He said the wife won full custody and she was outside the courtroom telling Shane she was moving to Toronto.”

“So, she essentially was leaving the country? Wow, another threat to get what she wanted. Well, hats off to her. It finally worked. I mean, I’ve got to get off this merry-go-round. I still need to function so I can keep my job and finish grad school.”

“How’s that going, school?”

“I want to write another paper like I want another hole in my heart.”

“You’ll be alright.”

“Maybe. But she’s officially Carice Smith now. Whether she forced him or not is a moot point. Besides, he’s not a puppet. He does have a brain. At the end of the day, he agreed to it. Honestly, I’ve been trying not to look. The wedding pictures alone damn near took me out. The only thing that was somewhat satisfying was that her dress was ugly, and he looked miserable.”

Once I get home, I don’t have the willpower not to look at what my mom was speaking about. I Google ‘Shane Smith married’ and get hundreds of results. Article after article, I read each and every one. Some have more details than others. Most include extra commentary surrounding the same set of facts. Shane and Carice got married after an argument involving their kids. The story doesn’t change. Shane’s wedding photos made it to every newspaper, sports website, and gossip website. There’s even a photo of them kissing.

I turn my phone off and pull the covers over my head. The pain is as real today as it was yesterday. It seems endless. It hurts so bad and I know that only God can end it. I attempt to pray but I’m emotionally empty, filled with a deep sadness. I’m so sorrowful that the burden is simply too much to bear. I feel hopeless.

I’m never going to recover from this.

“Lord, if you take this pain away, I promise I will never go back to him.”