“JUST TELL EVELYN you forgot that you had a doctor’s appointment,” Matt offers, unwrapping his tuna sandwich, the fishy smell wafting through the Hole — our secret storage-room hideout in the basement of the school — where me, Matt, and Coop have gathered for an emergency meeting. “Then you’ll be free to meet up with this Leyna girl.”

I shake my head. “Evelyn’s already super suspicious. Forget it. I have to find Leyna and cancel. I just wish I had her number so I could just text her.”

Coop tsk-tsks, like he’s disappointed in me. “I don’t understand why you don’t just keep your dates with both babes. You can shuttle back and forth between them. One at the coffee shop, the other at the food court. How dope would that be? You’ll be the super-stud of the Rockville Mall.”

“Yeah, right. Like that doesn’t have disaster written all over it.” I take a bite of my baloney and cheese on Wonder bread. “I’m just going to have to wait until after we finish the movie, dump Evelyn, and ask Leyna out then.”

Coop screws up half his face. “That is complete lame sauce, dawg. This kind of sweet sitch only comes around once in a lifetime. You’re the man with the gland, dude. Two babes wanting to paw you to pieces? You owe it to your fellow brethren to make this happen.” Coop pulls a squashed Sally Gregg Diet Meal Bar from his back pocket and starts to unwrap it. “Besides, boss. You blow this girl off now, and she’s gonna take it as disinterest. She’ll go scouting for another dude, stat. Trust me.”

“I am not going on two dates with two girls at the same time,” I protest. “Even if I could pull it off — which I can’t — it wouldn’t be fair to either one of them.”

“Don’t be such a yam bag,” Coop says. “It’s their own fault. Babes always want what they can’t have.”

Matt raises one eyebrow skeptically. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Mattie, my son. Must I always have to be your guide to all things vagina? It’s how the female brain is hardwired. When a guy isn’t hooked up with anyone, he’s radioactive. Girls are all, ‘Eek, stay away from me.’ But when same-said dude is unavail, every girl wants him. It’s Babeology 101.”

Matt turns to me. “Just ignore him. He’s full of shit.”

Coop shrugs and takes a bite of his diet bar. “Who’re you going to listen to? Valerie’s bitch or the man with subscriptions to Maxim and FHM? I’m telling you, dawg, the whole thing’s biochem. It’s the scent you’re giving off. Before it was eau de desperation. Which is why you attracted Her Nuttiness to begin with. But once you were bound and tied, you started emanating fondle-me pheromones.” He pulls a second flattened diet bar — this one a Sumptuous S’more Snack — from his other back pocket. “Look, this isn’t a big ish, dawg. You can have your steak and eat it too. It’s a simple matter of time-and-place management.”

“No way.” Matt shakes his head. “Don’t listen to him, Sean. You don’t want to risk your life on one of Coop’s whacked-out plans. Trust me on this one. I almost lost a perfectly good appendix thanks to him.”

“Matt’s right,” I say, looking at Coop. “I don’t want any part of it. Maybe you could pull off going on two dates at once, but I’m not you.”

“You’re not me, that’s very true.” Coop stands and starts to pace. “But what if you had me backing you up? That would almost be as good as being me. Not only that, what if you had Matt backing me up backing you up? That’s double backage, dude. It’s like wearing two condoms at once. Protection on top of protection. You think you could pull it off then?”

Matt laughs. “Didn’t you learn anything from your safe-sex presentation with Helen?”

Coop waves this away. “Whaddya say, Sean-o? Are you ready to step into the big leagues?”

“I don’t understand how this would be any better than going it alone,” I say suspiciously. “What, exactly, are you and Matt going to do to make this possible?”

“We’ll be the ultimate wingmen,” Coop explains. “Here’s the deal. We’ll all go a little early and meet up with Leyna at DeLuca’s first. Just so she knows you didn’t bail. Then you and Matt excuse yourselves. For whatever. Matt can pretend to get a text from the lost and found saying they’ve located Sean’s phone or something. Then you both head over to H&M to greet Evelyn while I stick around the coffee shop and occupy hottie. After a few minutes, you excuse yourself from Evelyn and Matt’ll run some interference with her for a while. Easy.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Matt says. “Why do I have to deal with Wacky Slacks?”

“Sorry, dawg.” Coop shrugs. “You’re the only one for the job. You’re levelheaded and no-nonsense. I swear, the cops should hire you to talk jumpers down from buildings.”

“Look,” I interject. “I appreciate the offer. Really. But I don’t think I’m up to it.”

“Oh, come on,” Coop says, gesturing with his crumbling snack bar. “You can’t afford not to do this. If you ditch Leyna, that will be that. You don’t get second chances with a honeypot like her.”

“How would you know?” I ask. “You met her for, like, five minutes at the auditions.”

“That’s right, and I pegged her right away. She’s the insecure hottie. If a guy rebuffs her, then it’s cold-shoulder time. Look, you already said you can’t get out of going to the mall with Evelyn. My way keeps everyone happy. Including Mr. Happy.” He waggles his eyebrows at me. “What do you say?”

This is a really bad idea. I know this. And yet the thought of letting Leyna slip through my fingers fills me with dread. I take a deep head-clearing sniff of my palm.

Coop sits down next to me on the squeaky bench and rests a hand on my back. “It’s gonna be a piece of pie, boss. Trust me. You won’t even have to break a sweat. You’re in capable hands. Me and Matt will take care of everything.”