I’ve always thought Santa Claus was incredibly creepy. If you’ve ever given any real thought to it, too, I assume you’ve come to the same conclusion: He’s this judgmental old guy with a ratty beard who breaks into your house in the middle of the night to leave presents and take cookies. That’s pretty much the M.O. of most stalkers who sneak into your house and steal your panties, then leave behind a mutilated doll’s head.

Okay, I’ll admit that comparison is a stretch, but still! Let’s look at the facts: He doesn’t seem to have any real family or friends. You hear about a Mrs. Claus, but I don’t ever recall having seen them together. He’s got a fully operational sweatshop. And he seems a little overly interested in children, if you ask me. To say these are red flags is an understatement.

Then there’s the name Santa Claus—or is it really Santa Claws, which is pretty obviously ominous. Is he a monster? An immortal demon from the abyss sent to punish disobedient children? These ideas inspired me to play devil’s advocate and show the not-so-sweet side of the guy who’s been stealing Jesus’s thunder for years.