CHAPTER ONE

SEPTEMBER 16TH

FRIDAY, 3:00AM

JANET

 

My hand was moving all over my body, over my breasts, along my thighs and between my legs. While it felt good, I wasn’t doing it to reach an orgasm; I was doing it to put myself to sleep. I just got off work and was tired. All I wanted to do was close my eyes. Still, I appreciated the feel of my body even if nobody else did. I kept my body soft and I was complimented all the time on my caramel colored skin and the short curly hairstyle I sported. With one hand on my breasts and the other between my legs, I was five seconds from reaching an orgasm. Ummm. Ummm and then I heard it.

I sat up straight in bed to be sure I heard knocking at my front door.

Knock Knock Knock!

Who the fuck was that? I knew my son was home because I told him to get off the phone when I got in earlier. I grabbed my robe and walked toward the door.

Knock Knock Knock!

I can’t stand when a mothafucka knocks on your door at 3 o’clock in the morning. It usually meant somebody died or somebody wanted something. Either way, I didn’t want to be bothered.

I grabbed the bat I kept next to my leather sofa and walked toward the door. I’m not sure if I would be able to defend myself with it, if there was actually a barrel to my face but I was certainly willing to try.

“Who is it?!”

“It’s me! Let me in so I can talk to you. This shit has gone on too long.”

“No! I’m not dealing with this shit no more! I’m serious, Delonte. Now get the fuck away from my door!”

“Baby, please don’t do this shit to me! It’s not what you think it is!”

“I know you better get from in front of my fucking door, before my neighbors start complaining and shit!”

“I got something for you Janet. Please let me in so I can give it to you and then I’ll leave. I promise.”

Everything in me wanted to have enough strength to walk back to my room, but I loved him. As sorry as he was, I loved everything about him. I knew the moment I opened the door he’d be trying to fuck me. It made me mad as hell that I still wanted him. It wasn’t all about sex because I could satisfy myself if I wanted to.

What I cared about was having a man lie next to me every night and his ass still be there in the morning. Sometimes I ain’t even feel like a woman unless a man was in my bed. To me there was nothing more comforting than a man holding me and telling me he loved me, even if he didn’t. I needed and wanted that type of security in my life and only a man could give it to me. Especially considering the life I led and the nightmares that still haunted me.

That’s how I got tied up with Lorenzo Davis in high school. He was my son’s father and was never no good. He wouldn’t even deal with me unless I arranged for him to sleep with my best friend Shelly Hall, and me, at the same time. And I did. Anything for Lorenzo was all I could think of, and believe me, making that arrangement was easy because Shelly looked at him like he was hers from the start. She didn’t want to share him, she wanted to own him.

She loved fast cars and fast money. Lorenzo had both and reveled in showing them off. He used to run with Rayful Edmond in 1988 so back then, money wasn’t a problem. He had enough to take care of me and her and whoever else came along. Although he’s not dealing coke anymore due to being on lockdown for 10 years but he still had a hustle that kept him paid.

I hated the day I ever invited Shelly into our fucking bed, literally. I would have never guessed she’d turn on me like that. She was supposed to want him only when I wanted her to. She was supposed to be a toy we could use and turn off when the game was over, but she caught feelings. Whenever I had my back turned, Shelly was smiling in his face and finding some way to touch him. She eventually became number one, and I became number two.

I don’t know why I stayed with Lorenzo, except I wanted somebody to love me and call me theirs and he did. He said he would protect me, if I was willing to do anything for him, and I did it all. From whooping his sister’s ass for stealing his stash one day when he was locked up overnight, to keeping an eye on his mother while he was doing the stretch, I proved over and over that I was down for him.

To top it all off, there aren’t many women who can say they got pregnant at the same time, in the same bed and with the same man as their best friend, but I can. To this day, it hurts looking at Shelly’s son, Lorenzo Jr., knowing that he’s Kelsi’s brother, and remembering how they were conceived. I did everything for that nigga including sharing my bed and my body with another woman. When he got out of jail, he left me, left us, and Kelsi was only 5 years old.

He comes by and takes care of both of our kids. Shelly and I have remained cordial over the years but I hold a lot of resentment because I feel like she should have refused Lorenzo’s advancements. Even though we were both 15 years old and didn’t know any better, she was my best friend and knew I loved him. Whenever we talk about it now, although few and far between, she says she did it for me. “I did it cuz you asked me to Janet, and in the process, I fell in love.” I know that’s not true because she was fucking him plenty of times I ain’t ask the bitch to do shit.

I think what makes me pissed is that to this day; he sleeps with her when he’s not with his wife. I don’t know if I’m angry about her still being available to him, or him being available to her, but maybe sometimes second best is better than nothing at all.

“Baby, please open this door. We gotta talk. You got me out here looking like half a faggot!”

Before I could say yes, he was banging on the door again. He was having a fit because I was always accessible to him and because of it; he wanted shit when he wanted it. I don’t know if I spoiled him or if his mama did. Shit, maybe it was both of us, but I was desperately trying not to give in so easy this time.

Delonte went overboard, way overboard. I found out that the one person I trusted him around, his cousin Kenosha, he was probably fucking.

“Delonte, get the fuck from in front of my door, now! It’s over!” I yelled. My voice was saying different things than what my heart felt. I wanted him to fight for me and to fight for our relationship. If he truly loved me, he wouldn’t leave my door despite what I’m yelling at him.

“Naw it ain’t over ‘til the fuck I say it’s over! Now open this fucking door Janet!! This is my apartment too! I still got my shit in there!”

“I packed up all your shit and took it to your mama’s house, so go see her! This fucking apartment is in my name!”

Although I wanted to be with him, he was breaking me down. Every other month I had to deal with a new girl in our lives. I couldn’t trust him for shit I desperately tried to each time I took him back. Being alone is something I can’t stand doing. I didn’t want to be alone with myself or alone with my past. When my mama died five years ago, I lost the last person who truly cared about me. I had nothing and nobody except Kelsi back then and he was only 10 years old.

On the day of my mother’s funeral I met Delonte. I thought he was given to me from God. He knew I was alone, because I prayed to Him every night about it. I thought he was sent to help me get over all the things that I’d lost. He said all the right things at all the right times. “Janet you don’t ever have to worry about anything. You and Kelsi will be taken care of baby. Trust me.” And I did. I believed in everything he said, even though my past reminded me that people aren’t always what they seem.

“Ma, who at the door?”

When I turned around I saw my 15-year-old son Kelsi towering over me. I noticed a lot about him over the past few years besides his physical changes. One of the main things I noticed was that the little boy I was raising was slowly changing into a man. He was still respectful, but his line of questioning had drastically changed. He went from “Can I go outside and play?” to “Who’s dude ma?” and “What he want with you?”

“K-man, get back to bed, it’s a school night,” I said as I turned around to face him.

“I can’t go back to sleep with all that banging and yelling going on. Who is that at the door, ma?” He asked looking into my eyes.

“It’s Delonte, now take your ass to back to bed. I’m not playing,” I responded trying to regain authority. After all, I was the parent, not him. Why was he giving me the third degree?

Kelsi looked at me and shook his head. I could tell he didn’t appreciate Delonte disrespecting what he playfully referred to as his house. My baby had definitely evolved and it was fucking me up a little. He was no longer fearful of me but he never got out of line. I was okay with that because I wasn’t raising no punk. I was trying to raise a man and as long as he stayed in his place, we weren’t going to have any problems.

“Aight, ma. Let me know if you need me,” he said as he kissed me on my cheek.

“I will baby.”

He walked back toward his bedroom dragging his feet. There he was 15 years old and already over six feet tall. He had what I referred to as boy muscles. I said that because most boys were naturally strong and if they did their bodies right, their muscles would show. Now, every muscle in Kelsi’s body was already defined, just like his father.

He had a six-pack, pecs, biceps and all that other shit too. I stayed chasing these fast ass little girls away from my house, but as you know, there’s always one who gets through. Kelsi looked more like a man in his white wifebeater and gray cotton boxers, than a child. He even had a little mustache and chin hair that he kept neatly trimmed along with his low haircut that was always shaped up.

When he was out of sight, I directed my attention back to the door. I stood on my tippy toes and looked out the peephole. He was still there, waiting. I also noticed that he had quieted down a little and stopped banging on the door. I knew it was because he heard Kelsi ask me who it was.

Delonte also realized K-man was growing and wasn’t a kid anymore because we had several conversations about him in the past. I didn’t want to say anything, but I knew Delonte feared him a little. After all, some of the shit he did to me was just plain wrong and if K-man were a little bit older, he would have whooped his ass a long time ago.

“Baby, I know you there. Open the door … pleeease.” Delonte begged in a voice loud enough for me to hear.

I unlocked the door, placed the bat next to the couch and sat down. I grabbed the remote control and thumbed through the channels. A few seconds later, Delonte slid in wearing a pair of Sean John jeans and an over sized plain white t-shirt. As usual, he had on a fresh pair of butters and a black cap pulled down partially covering his eyes.

“What you watching, baby?” He asked as he stood next to the couch. He made me mad trying to play me like everything was okay. It won’t be that easy nigga.

“Look, this TV’s watching me, now what the fuck you want?!”

“You know what the fuck I want. I want to come home, baby,” he whispered as loud as he could without K-man hearing him. “And I know you want me to.”

“Do you really think I’ll take you back after catching you fucking your cousin? That is so fucking nasty anyway. I should slap the fuck out of you right now, Delonte!”

“Go ahead, baby slap me if that makes you feel better but what if you’re wrong?”

There he goes with that shit again. Whenever I caught Delonte in a lie or something he shouldn’t be doing, he’d ask me, “But what if you’re wrong?” It was the stupidest question I’ve ever heard and the only thing it did was prove his guilt. Anyway, I saw him engaged in a full-fledged kiss with his cousin right in front of his aunt’s house on Clay Street in Northeast, D.C. Not only did they live in the same neighborhood, they lived on the same street, which made matters worse. He spent a lot of time with Kenosha when he wasn’t with me. For him to be a 32-year-old man, I thought that was a little weird but she played me close by kissing my ass whenever he was around.

“Delonte, I caught you in her car kissing her. Don’t fucking lie to me!”

The truth was I didn’t care what he said because I saw it with my own eyes. It was no longer a question whether or not he was telling the truth; everything now depended on how good the lie he told was.

I’ve played this game with Delonte for a while now. I was becoming strong enough to handle the lies but too weak to live without him. I was no longer afraid of catching him in a lie and not wanting him. I was afraid of catching him in a lie and him not wanting me.

“Hear me out Janet. Kenosha had broken up with that punk ass nigga she was fucking with over there on Clay. She was drinking and shit, I was walking out of my mama’s house to go check on my aunt, when I saw her in the car crying. You know she my favorite cousin, so you know me, I jumped in the car ready to kill somebody for laying their hands on her. She started crying and told me what happened. I was only hugging her because she was upset. She wrapped her arms around me and –”

“You decided to fuck her?!” I yelled just a little bit louder than I should have.

“No, baby I ain’t fuck her,” he said calmly. He sat down on the couch beside me, taking off his cap and smoothing his hair with his hand.

I was frustrating him and I was pleased. If you gonna lie, at least make it a good ass lie, damn! I already hated how the entire family lived on the same block, so now I would have to worry about what he was really doing when he went home and whose home he was really at.

“Baby, please, just hear me out. I know how it looked and all, but tell me what the fuck I look like fucking my baby cousin? She a kid man!!”

“First off you only 32 and she’s 25, the age difference is not that significant nigga so don’t even try it. You say all the time how them Clay Street niggas stay sweating Kenosha, so I know you think she’s attractive, and now you saying 25 years old is too young for you to fuck? Don’t forget you fucked one younger than that last year Delonte. She was only 21.”

“Why you bringing up old shit? I’m telling you that I ain’t fuck my fucking cousin, J! What the hell is wrong with you?”

When I heard a door creek, I knew K-man was up again. He would probably make his way to the kitchen or something like that to see what was going on. Lately, he was extremely overprotective of me and Delonte knew it too.

Delonte sat back on the couch and took the remote out of my hands. We both pretended to be glued to the TV, which before Delonte turned, was on some Spanish-speaking channel. Why we were giving Kelsi this much respect was beyond me. Let me handle this shit right now.

“Kelsi, I thought I told you to go back to bed!”

“I am, Ma, I’m just thirsty that’s all,” he said while looking at Delonte.

“K, it’s a school night and its almost time for you to get up,” I said feeling he wasn’t threatened enough.

“I know, Ma but I can barely sleep,” he said as he cut his eyes back to Delonte.

“Hey, K-man, what up? You gonna check out the Giants and Falcons on Sunday? It’s gonna be a beat down. Vick ain’t got nothing on Testaverde. It’s ole school against new school, boy!

Delonte was trying to ease the tension in the air but Kelsi didn’t respond and disappeared into the kitchen. Delonte looked at me and shook his head. Kelsi was never disrespectful to any of my friends but he was tonight. It was as if my little boy had gone to sleep forever and was replaced with a grown ass man.

“You know that boy is starting to smell himself,” Delonte whispered. “I’m gonna have to check that little nigga one day I’m telling you,” he said as he placed the remote control down on the glass table. “If his daddy won’t do it, I ain’t got no problems with it.”

“Don’t worry about K, you need to be worried about yourself and convincing me why I should let your sorry ass come back.”

Delonte took a deep breath and grabbed one of my hands, “Baby, I love you and I wouldn’t do anything like that. I ain’t got no where else I want to be besides with you.” Kissing her hands he continued, “Now I know I fucked up in the past and I’m sorry. But what you saw was me consoling my baby cousin after that weak ass nigga dumped her, that’s it. You know how close we are, J.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know how close Delonte. Talk about kissing cousins, your mouth was covering hers like you were breathing new life into her skanky ass. And what boyfriend you talking ‘bout? How come I ain’t never seen this mysterious boyfriend?” I whispered. “Aren’t you the least bit embarrassed?”

“I’m not embarrassed because I know what really happened and it wasn’t how it looked. I know what I was doing but if you saw her kissing someone, it wasn’t me. Besides, you ain’t got no reason to be seeing her boyfriend cuz he ain’t your man.”

“Well she seeing mine every night,” I spat back with an attitude, not even caring about how stupid I sounded.

He sat back on the sofa and folded his arms and continued with his groveling. “You have to start trusting me baby. I mean…I cheated a few times but after the last time I haven’t stepped out on you again. I swear to God, baby. I fucking love you, girl!”

“I’m a woman, Delonte. That’s your problem. You don’t know the difference.”

He took another deep breath as if to ignore my last comment. “You tell me right now. Do you want me to leave or stay?” He sat up straight and looked me in my eyes.

I hated when he did that, turn the shit back on me. It’s always easier to take him back because he begged, than it was because I wanted him. He knew I wanted him home and he knew the game we played was only temporary. I’m sure Delonte was as aware of my insecurities and fear of being alone as I was. I paused. I couldn’t answer the question right away. To answer right now would mean he’d do whatever he wanted tomorrow. Why couldn’t he find happiness with me and our relationship? Why can’t I be enough for him?

What scared me was that he could look me straight in my face and lie just like my ex-boyfriend, Jarvis. I glanced over his chocolate covered skin and smiled inside. Damn you fine, I thought to myself.

“Janet, did you hear me?”

“I heard you and I’m thinking,” I said as I looked toward the kitchen to see if Kelsi had come out yet and I was also trying to buy more time. I can’t appear too anxious. Damn Delonte. Why does he have to ruin our relationship like this and force me to admit my weaknesses by saying I want him back.

“I’m a grown man and as much as I can’t see living my life without you, I’ll leave if that’s the way you want it,” he said growing impatient with my silence.

I looked at Delonte’s fine ass like I was really thinking about not taking him back … again, but my mind was already made up the moment I unlocked the door. I needed him and I knew he needed me. I also knew that taking him back wouldn’t be the last time I would have to put his ass out but I didn’t want another woman having him, even if the other woman was his cousin.

He was an attention magnet.

Delonte was 5’11” dark-skinned and kept his hair cut really low and neat. He was told quite often that he resembled Morris Chestnut. He played basketball every day at the Gold’s Gym in Beltway Plaza in Greenbelt, Maryland so he was toned, athletic and could run this 5’7”, 140-pound frame all over this apartment. I often wondered if he wasn’t so attractive, would our relationship would be better? But then would I even want him?

Before I could say anything, Kelsi walked out of the kitchen holding a cup and a piece of cake I made yesterday. I told that boy time and time again not to eat in his room because it attracted roaches and there he was taking food out of the kitchen and into his bedroom. As I looked at him, I started to stop him but the look in his eyes caught my attention. I could tell he was getting ready to say something and I didn’t know what to expect. There was fire behind his stare and he looked as if he wanted to rip Delonte’s throat out. So needless to say I was gonna let the cake thing slide.

At least for now.

“Delonte, maybe you should talk a little lower when you making comments, man. Feel me?” Kelsi said in a calm but serious voice, in between chewing a piece of the cake.

I sat there frozen and speechless. My feet wouldn’t move and neither would my mouth. If he was bold enough to talk to Delonte that way, who knew what else he might say. K-man just treated Delonte like he was one of his friends right in my face.

“Uh, K don’t be disrespectful to Delonte it’s not right,” is all I could manage to say to him.

“Sorry, Ma but I’m not the one knocking on the door at 3 o’clock in the morning begging. He is.”

“Little man, you got it all messed up. I love your mother and my coming over here at whatever time is our business. Stay in your place youngin.”

Kelsi just laughed and walked toward the back of the apartment. Before going into his room, he turned around and said, “Man, Atlanta gonna crush the Giants. Testaverde’s old, too old to be playing anybody’s ball. Oops, that’s your team, my bad.” Kelsi grinned devilishly and continued, “Vick, let’s just say, he schooling them ole heads. By the time he through with them, they’ll be begging for the pain to stop. Youngin’s is where it’s at, champ…hope ya’ll can handle a BEAT DOWN!” He turned around, walked to his room and closed the door.

I didn’t know what to say to Delonte because truthfully I was wondering what was going on in Kelsi’s mind. He was a sophomore in high school and I knew girls and the pressures of the world were already on his shoulders. Ever since last year, he changed and there appeared to be extra weight he was carrying around all the time. I tried to make it easier by not sweating him with small stuff but I didn’t know if it was working. Maybe that was the reason he reacted the way he did to Delonte. Maybe I wasn’t hard enough on him. Maybe I let him get away with too much. I had a feeling that he overheard everything Delonte and I were going through and was tired of it, just like I was. I felt useless as a mother.

I found myself thinking only of Kelsi, until Delonte stated talking.

“Janet, what’s up with K? He’s really getting out of control and I see I’m definitely gonna have to put him in his place sooner or later. What the fuck was that suppose to mean about the Giants getting BEAT DOWN? Was he threatening me?”

“Delonte, please,” I said as if he were boring me. “We have other things to worry about then some damn ass football! He’s my son and I can handle him.”

“So what you saying? If I live here I have to deal with the little nigga treating me like I’m a bitch? If that’s what you saying, J I might as well roll right now.”

“I’m not saying that,” I sighed as I took a deep breath.

He was acting like a kid, Kelsi was acting like my father and I was mad as shit!

For one second I wanted both of them the fuck up out my house! Nobody seemed to care that I had two jobs, one as a housekeeper and the other as a waitress and I was tired, mentally and physically.

“Just let me handle K-man. He has a few things going on at school and maybe he took it out on you. You know he likes you.”

Delonte kissed me on my cheek and then softly on my lips. My acknowledgment of his feelings about how K-man treated him gave him confirmation that it was okay to move back in. And in a way, that made it easier for me too. I really didn’t feel like saying “Yes, baby I want you and need you to come back home.”

“I love you, Janet,” he said as he kissed me. “I’m gonna grab my stuff and I’ll be here by the time you get home from work. And quit that second job, baby, I don’t want you working yourself to death. How you gonna take care of me?”

“I’ll think about it, but for right now the money’s good.”

Delonte had been trying to get me to quit my second job forever. Every time I mentioned it we’d get into another fight. Anyway, I worked the second job to look out for K-man not for Delonte. I told Delonte I worked two jobs because I wasn’t sure if we would make it and I wanted to cover my bills.

But that wasn’t entirely true.

The Sheraton paid all of our bills but I wanted my baby to have some of the things boys his age wanted so he wouldn’t get too caught up in the streets. Unfortunately, I knew there was some shit I just couldn’t keep him away from.

“Well think about it a little harder. I get tired of living here and having you gone all the time,” he said as he stood up and walked toward the door.

“Delonte, don’t leave,” I said as I followed him. “Stay with me until I leave for work. You can move your things in later.”

“I can’t, baby,” he said as he opened the door. “But I’ll be waiting for you when you get back,” he continued as he kissed me.

“Okay,” I responded all disappointed. “I’ll see you later.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” He asked with a sly smile on his face.

“Oh,” I responded as I reached in and gave him a kiss.

“That was nice, baby but I’m talking about my keys.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, D give me a second.”

I forgot I snatched his keys when I put him out last week. I put him out six times already and each time the locks were changed before the door slammed behind his ass, but I knew he was coming back. That changing locks shit got expensive, so this time when I put him out, I snatched his shit.

I walked to the kitchen and opened the drawer where I kept them. They weren’t there. I moved stuff around, took stuff out and still couldn’t find them. Then it dawned on me, K-man has them. Was he that dead-set on him not moving back in that he would take his keys? I didn’t want to knock on his door and ask him for them because Delonte would know there was an even bigger problem with Kelsi than we realized.

“Baby, I left them at work. K-man will let you in later,” I yelled from the kitchen where he could still see me.

“You sure? I don’t want no shit when I come back home with all my stuff.” He said as he looked at me.

“I’m sure, baby,” I said as I walked over to him at the door. “Now aren’t you forgetting something?” I asked.

“Oh yeah,” he reached in his pocket, peeled off three crispy one hundred dollar bills and handed them to me.

I moved my fingers as if to say, “Keep peeling mothafucka.” By the time he finished flipping his bills, he paid the price of a cool grand to move back home.

So far, it was the highest price yet.

“Okay. I’ll see you later. Don’t forget to tell Kelsi I’ll be here around five.”

“I won’t,” I said as I kissed him and locked the door.