The music started after that, and Ben threw himself into the first set. He knew most of the tunes, and they were lively and easy to play. Because they didn’t challenge him too much, he could watch Sarah with her grandchildren.
The saddle still sat in the middle of the room and dancers maneuvered around it. Sarah stood beside the saddle and rotated the kids on and off, giving each a turn, even Gabe’s youngest, a months-old baby.
An older boy, who could be a teenager but looked younger because of his small size, climbed up and smiled at Nick. “What d’ya think, Dad?”
“I think you need to start saving your allowance, Lester,” Nick said with a grin.
Such a simple exchange, and yet so filled with subtext. Lester had hinted he wanted a fancy saddle, and his father had good-naturedly told him he’d have to save for it. That’s what a loving relationship between a father and son looked like. Ben had never experienced it.
He never would have dared to hint that he wanted something. That would have been a sure way to get a lecture on his ungrateful behavior, or maybe even a beating. He’d learned early to keep his mouth shut and his head down.
The scene of Sarah with her family affected Ben in ways he hadn’t anticipated. Unexpected yearning tightened his throat and at times made him screw up a note. He doubted anyone noticed, but it bothered him.
Then he’d catch a glimpse of Molly laughing with some of the women, or dancing with one of her Chance cousins, and he’d miss another note. Her joyful smile stirred longings he’d kept buried for years.
He didn’t like feeling this way. He’d carefully avoided strong emotions for most of his life because he’d seen the dark side. When gripped by powerful emotions, people became unpredictable. The line between love and hate was thin and easily breached.
When he’d taken on this commission, he hadn’t planned on having it throw him off kilter. He’d known that spending a couple of days at the Last Chance Ranch would be intellectually interesting, a scientific trip to observe a normal family. He’d planned to hold himself emotionally distant.
Molly had blown that plan all to hell on his first night here. He wanted her in a way he’d never wanted another woman, despite knowing he couldn’t make her happy. She’d gotten under his skin. No, he’d allowed her to get under his skin. For some reason, he’d let down his guard and she’d stormed the castle.
That was bad enough, and he dreaded the conversation they would have tonight after the party. He was pretty sure she was fantasizing that they had a future, after all. She couldn’t help it, optimist that she was, and he glimpsed dreams of forever shining in her green eyes. He’d have to destroy those dreams and watch the sunshine disappear.
Adding to that disaster, he was currently surrounded by the intense love that permeated the Chance family. He’d tried to maintain his position as an outsider, but Sarah had brought him right into the center of the celebration with her gratitude. With her tears. Her reaction had annihilated his defenses. He’d seen his mother cry in despair, but he’d never seen any woman cry with joy. His world had shifted.
He wanted this, all of it, but he didn’t trust himself to create it. He could build a saddle, but he didn’t know how to build a life. Not this kind of life where people hugged each other, watched out for each other, defended each other from any threat.
As Jack had. Ben didn’t blame him one damn bit. Jack was right to worry about Ben getting too close to Molly. And he was too close to her. If he cared this much, then she probably cared more. Her heart was in shape for loving. His wasn’t.
The set ended, and Sarah glanced up. Her gaze steady, she excused herself from a conversation with Josie and walked toward him. He braced himself.
“I don’t know how to thank you.” She placed a warm hand on his arm as she looked into his eyes. “It’s obvious to me that you put all kinds of love into that saddle.”
He hadn’t known what to expect when she’d come over, but certainly not that. Damn it, his throat was tightening up again. He cleared it. “I enjoyed making it.”
“I know you did. Jack said you made it in only two months. You must have burned the midnight oil.”
“It was a pleasure.” He kept thinking of how she’d cried when she’d first seen it. “I…I hoped it would be what you wanted.”
“It’s as if you knew what would suit me. I suppose Jack helped give you an idea of who I am, but you must have used your instincts, too.”
“Maybe so.” He didn’t trust himself to say more without emotion roughening his voice.
“It’s been wonderful having you as a guest, Ben. You’re like a long-lost member of the family. I hope that’s all right for me to say. From things you’ve said, I gather you’re not… close… to your family.”
He swallowed.
“I just want you to know that you’re welcome here anytime.” She squeezed his arm. “Anytime at all.” Then she gave him a little pat and walked away as if sensing that he wasn’t in command of himself.
Tucking his harmonica into his shirt pocket, he walked out of the room and took the stairs two at a time before he did something embarrassing like break down. He had the urge to pack his things and leave, but the wind had begun to howl outside. The storm would hit any minute. He was a fool, but not that much of one.
So, instead, he sat on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands, while he struggled to breathe. In one precious moment, with a few words of praise, Sarah had warmed his heart in a way his own mother never had. His father had forbidden any gentleness for fear his boys would become sissies. His mother had never argued with that.
“Ben?”
He glanced up. Molly stood in the doorway. He should have known she’d see him leave and follow him up here. That was Molly. Caring, compassionate, loving.
“What’s wrong?”
He looked into those green eyes filled with concern. “Everything.”
“How can that be?” She walked over and knelt at his feet as she placed her hands on his knees. “Aunt Sarah loves the saddle. I saw her come over and tell you again how much she loves it. I couldn’t figure out why that made you take off like you did.”
He cupped her sweet face in both hands. “That’s because you come from a loving family where gestures like Sarah’s happen all the time. But I… I can’t handle it.”
“Why?”
“I was raised with fear instead of love. My dad’s anger was a terrifying thing to me and my older brother. He didn’t hit us a lot, but the threat of it was always there. I don’t know that he ever hit my mother, but he criticized her constantly. Still does. She has zero self-confidence.”
“Oh, Ben.” Moisture gathered in her eyes. “I was afraid that’s what you’d hinted at before. I’m so sorry.”
“Please don’t cry.” He heard the frantic note in his voice and hated it.
She blinked and her jaw firmed beneath his touch. “I won’t. Tell me what you need.”
“To be magically transported out of this house and back to a life I’ve learned how to handle.”
“Sorry, that’s beyond my powers.”
He smiled as the tight band around his chest loosened. “And here I thought you could do anything.”
“I’m awesome, but I can’t teleport people. At least, not yet.”
She was so good at this, he thought. So good at comforting people and putting them at ease. He’d even recovered enough to joke with her. “Sex is another good option, but we’re not doing that, either.”
“I’m afraid you’re right. Sorry. Now is not the best time for wild monkey sex.”
“Damn. Then I may just have to go back down there and act like everything is peachy.” But thanks to her calming presence, he felt as if he could do that.
“Ben, I have to ask, although I think I know the answer. Is your family background why you don’t want kids?”
“Yep, that’s it.” Saying it was easier than he’d thought it would be. “I hate the way my father ruled the household, and my brother swore he did, too, but he’s exactly the same kind of father to his kids. And he intimidates his wife, who scrambles to please him.”
“And you think you would turn out that way, too?”
He brushed his thumbs over her warm cheeks. “It’s all I knew growing up, so I could easily slide right into that pattern. If I do marry someday, it would be with the understanding she should leave me the minute I start behaving like my father. But kids — they can’t just leave.”
“I know, but—”
“I’m not having kids, Molly. I won’t risk repeating the cycle the way my brother has.” He looked into her eyes. “Jack wanted me to make sure you understood all that. He said it was important information for a woman like you.”
“A woman like me?” She bristled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well…” He suspected he might get into trouble if he didn’t choose his words carefully. “You come from a big, loving family, so logically, you probably want that for yourself.”
“Yes, eventually! But a woman like me doesn’t hand every guy I date a checklist to make sure he wants marriage and a big family, and the sooner the better!”
He shouldn’t smile, but he couldn’t help it. “You might want to tell Jack that. He probably thinks you do.”
“Don’t worry. I plan to have a talk with Cousin Jack.”
“He’s just afraid that you’ll get hooked on me, and I’m not the right man for you.”
“Jack’s not in charge of my love life.”
“I know.”
“You told me right away that you weren’t the right guy for me because you didn’t want a family. Then I found out that you’d had a vasectomy. Now I have the whole story as to why. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex with you anymore.”
He searched her gaze. “Can you honestly say you’ve never thought that maybe, with time, we’d work something out between us?”
“Um…” Color darkened her cheeks.
“See?”
“Mostly after I saw the way you watched Sarah with her grandkids. I had wondered if you disliked children, but you don’t.”
“No. I like them a lot. That’s why I can’t take a chance on lousing up my own.”
“You don’t know that you would!”
“I don’t know that I wouldn’t. Listen, Molly, I made up my mind about this when I had the vasectomy.”
“Sometimes those can be reversed.”
“I don’t want it reversed. I’ve read enough to know my dad has a borderline personality disorder. Maybe that’s genetic. I didn’t know my grandfather, but from the stories I’ve heard, he was the same way. Maybe that’s just what he was taught, but maybe not.”
“Then you could adopt.”
He sighed. “I’d still be putting some innocent kid at risk. I can’t take that chance.”
“But—”
“Molly, the way you keep arguing the point, I have to wonder if you are thinking I’ll change my mind about a relationship.”
“That’s bullshit.” She scrambled to her feet and teetered as she regained her balance on her high heels. “And don’t look so shocked. I know how to swear. I have brothers.”
He closed his mouth, which had, in fact, dropped open when she let loose with that word. “Then you can probably out-swear me. I only lived with one older brother.”
She didn’t smile. If anything, she looked angrier than ever. “As for your assumption about why I’m suggesting that you could find a way to have a family even with a vasectomy, has it occurred to you that I’m saying that for your sake?”
“My sake?”
“Yes, your sake. You should have seen the expression on your face while Sarah played with the kids on that saddle. You were eating it up with a spoon. Just try and tell me that you wouldn’t like to have cute little kids like that running around, and eventually grandkids, and a family gathering like this one. Because I know you would!”
“So what?” He stood, too. He wished she couldn’t read him so well, but it was partly his own damned fault. He’d been more open about his feelings since he’d met her and that needed to stop. “Doesn’t matter what I want. My brother went into his marriage bound and determined not to be like Dad. Now he’s exactly like him. When I mention that, and I have, he yells at me and says I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“That doesn’t have to be you! Don’t cut yourself off from life just because —”
“Stop it, Molly. They’re starting up the music again. I need to get down there.” He walked past her and out the door. It hurt like hell to be so abrupt with her. He’d probably hurt her, too.
But she didn’t understand the terror he felt at the possibility he’d recreate his parents’ lives, or his brother’s. If she understood, she wouldn’t keep arguing with him.
She might think she’d known what kind of man he was, but she hadn’t, not really. Even when faced with the truth about him, she was trying to make bargains and change things so it would all come out roses and lollipops. Of course she was. That was Molly, a bundle of sunshine.
It was the quality that had drawn him to her. Apparently he’d thought he could use her light and warmth to ease the cold darkness in his soul. That had been so damned selfish of him.
When he walked back into the living room, he discovered the configuration had changed. The saddle had been moved next to the Christmas tree, which opened the entire space for dancing. A woman Ben hadn’t met was harmonizing with Trey on the Tim McGraw and Faith Hill number “I Need You.” And only two people were out on the floor. Pete and Sarah danced looking into each other’s eyes as if, in this moment, no one else existed.
Ben stood at the edge of the room, his heart once again lodged in his throat.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Molly appeared next to him and gazed at the couple circling the floor.
“Yes.”
Her fingers slipped through his.
God help him, he tightened his fingers and held on, needing her more than he needed to breathe. Jack could take him out and shoot him at dawn, a fate he no doubt deserved. But if Molly couldn’t be turned away by all that he’d said to her, if she was willing to hold his hand and give him comfort for the short time they were together, he would take it.
The dance ended with Pete giving Sarah a soft kiss. Then he grinned and beckoned to everyone surrounding the dance floor. “Show’s over. Get out here and we’ll all play bumper cars again.”
“Come on.” Molly tugged him forward. “Dance with me. My extra four inches should make it way easier. I won’t have to stare at your belt buckle.”
That made him smile. Molly didn’t stay down for long. She might have been arguing with him five minutes ago, but she wasn’t going to let that spoil her mood. “It’s a great offer, but I should get back to Trey and Watkins.”
“They can manage without you for one more song. It’s a slow one, so you’ll have plenty of breath left over to play your harmonica. Come on. You know you want to. You’ve been giving me cow eyes all night.”
“Cow eyes? I don’t think so.” But he let her pull him out into the crowd. Once she was in his arms and his palm felt the slide of that green knit material against the small of her back, he was very glad she’d talked him into it.
“Cow eyes.” She looked up at him. “Like this.” Her expression changed to one of complete adoration.
He lost it. Maybe it was the tension he’d been under, but he started laughing so hard he could barely dance. He twirled her around and bumped into Jack and Josie. “Sorry. Brakes just went out.”
Jack gave him a long-suffering look, but a smile twitched the corners of his mouth. Maybe Jack wasn’t quite such a hard-ass after all. Ben hoped not, because he’d rather be the guy’s friend than his sworn enemy. And that was disregarding the possibility of doing more business with him. Ben plain liked him. Admired him, in fact.
Jack had it figured out. He and Josie seemed to be on equal footing in a loving relationship. Just then, Sarah danced by with her grandson Archie in her arms. He looked overjoyed to be there. Apparently the kid was bright and well-adjusted, which was no surprise given his environment.
Molly snuggled closer and laid her head against his shoulder. Whereupon Ben forgot all about Jack and the rest of the Chance clan. Resting his cheek on her hair, he forgot everyone in the room except the woman in his arms.
If he had Molly in his life, maybe he could learn how to create what Jack had. For one shining moment he allowed himself to imagine what that could be like. But it would be a gamble, and a huge one at that. He’d be gambling with her life as well as his own.
He cared about her more than he’d cared about any woman he’d been with, maybe more than any person he knew. His shiny picture collapsed into a heap of dust. He simply couldn’t ask her to take that risk. They’d have this interlude, and he’d make the most of it if she was willing. But then he’d get out of her life. It was for her own good.