29

Kaki

Monday, March 20

Two months had passed since Kaki had arrived at Whiteway Rehabilitation Center. Her physical need for the drugs was gone. But the emotional noise still flooded her mind at night. The memories of what she’d done were much worse than the symptoms of withdrawal. And she could not shake the fear that someone was looking for her.

Damien was still out there. Would he show up at the facility in the dead of night and make her go with him? Would he kill her family while she was at the rehab facility?

For the first few weeks, she hadn’t been allowed any contact with family. She chewed all her fingernails down to the cuticle worrying about what was happening at home. And she struggled with strange, inexplicable desires to contact Damien.

What would make her want to return to a man who drugged her, beat her, and forced her to have sex with other men? But once she received phone privileges, she fought the urge to call him. Insidious thoughts wormed through her brain—wouldn’t it just be better if you went back to him and got it over with? Wouldn’t everyone be safer that way? Aren’t you worthless to anyone else at this point anyway? Who could ever love you knowing what you’ve been?

She stared into the mirror in the communal bathroom. She no longer looked like herself. Her hair was dull—stripped of all its shine from washing it every day since she’d arrived here. She couldn’t get clean enough. She looked down and touched a finger to the black tattoo upon her wrist. She might have been removed from Damien’s presence, but his brand was still on her body.

“You know, I know someone who can help you take care of that.”

Kaki spun around and looked into the face of one of her counselors, Darienne.

In her thirties, Darienne had short, spiky hair and eyes that swirled and sparkled like green marbles. But most importantly, Darienne had once stood in Kaki’s shoes.

“You know someone who can remove tattoos?”

Turning on the water at the sink, Darienne stood beside Kaki and began washing her hands. “They’ll remove them, or they’ll tattoo over them. Either way, they make those brands disappear. See? Here’s mine.” Darienne pulled up the sleeve of her shirt to reveal a purple butterfly. Underneath it, a verse of scripture. “It used to say Rokk—my pimp’s name.”

“Romans 6:18?”

“You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.” Darienne pulled a paper towel out of the dispenser and dried her hands. “God takes what was meant for evil and turns it for good. I figured that I’d been a slave to my pimp for long enough, and that hadn’t gotten me anything but a drug addiction, a messed-up head, and a bunch of sexually transmitted diseases. After I got away from him, I chose to become a slave to righteousness—to the One who chose me first. To the One who really loved me. Jesus.”

Although Kaki didn’t really understand, it was obvious that Darienne really meant what she said.

“Once you’re out of here, I’ll give you the name of the organization and the contact person. They’ll get that brand off of your wrist one way or the other. And you’ll feel so much better once they do.”

“Isn’t it expensive to have a tattoo removed?”

“They do it for free. They’re a ministry supported by donations. The woman that started it is like us. She was in the life too. God had a purpose for her life…just like He has for yours, Kaki.”

Kaki shook her head. “I just can’t imagine ever living a normal life again.”

“You’ll do it,” Darienne assured her. “With the grace of God, you’ll do it.”

Kaki gazed at Darienne. “How did you do it?”

Darienne smiled almost as though she had been waiting for that question. “I was a runaway. Out of the house at fifteen because my mom’s boyfriend kept messing with me. Oldest story in the world. I was already doing some drugs anyway, but once I was on the streets—well, I needed to eat. I needed a place to stay. I met a guy who promised me all that and drugs, too. I was with him for three years—until he nearly killed me at a truck stop one night after a john complained. Another trucker there took pity on me and called 9-1-1. It’s the only reason I’m alive today.”

“Did you ever want to go back to it?” Kaki asked.

“Sure. My trafficker was the only person I knew anymore. Once I was out and realized how alone I was, I nearly did go back to the life several times. Those are the feelings you have to fight, Kaki. You have to fight them like your life depends on it. Because it does. It’s a form of Stockholm Syndrome. You ever heard of that?”

Kaki shook her head. “No.”

“Stockholm Syndrome is when the one who’s been kidnapped, trafficked, or oppressed falls in love with their victimizer. It’s a coping mechanism when you realize you’ve lost all control. Outside the life, you have to deal with those feelings and recognize them for what they are—a lie from the pit of hell.”

It felt so good to hear Darienne talk. Kaki’s heart soared with relief, and she soaked in every word of wisdom. She had gotten so used to hearing Sydney’s “pep talks”—all lies and propaganda about how normal stripping was or how much money she could make working for Damien—that she’d forgotten how it felt to really connect with and trust another person.

Darienne wasn’t in any rush either. She leaned against the sink, talking as though they were side by side on a soft couch with a bowl of popcorn between them. “You have to pray to know that nothing good will come of going back. It’s a process, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It happens through God’s patient, healing hand. You done any praying on your own?”

Kaki shook her head. Other than prayers with Darienne at the facility or nighttime prayers with her dad when she was a little kid, Kaki had never really talked to God before. When she was young, she’d gone to church with her dad and Lana, but God never seemed real to her. “Some of the sermons here during the church services are starting to make a little sense, though.” Her voice was shy, unsure.

Darienne smiled. “That’s a great start.”

Encouraged, Kaki continued. “I’ve even started reading the Bible a little. It doesn’t all make sense to me, but some of it does.”

Darienne’s green eyes were kind. They were so alive and fiery.

She hoped one day when she looked in the mirror, her own would stare back with that kind of life.

“God will never give you more than you can handle, Kaki.”

Kaki laughed. “He must think I can handle a lot, then.”

~*~

Friday, March 24

Going home was hard. Much harder than she’d thought. Kaki had moved from Damien and the gang, to a treatment facility, and now she was going back to her dad’s house where she was expected to live a semi-normal life.

When her father picked her up, she was simply relieved that everyone in her family was still alive. “Have they caught him yet?” she asked on the ride home.

“Who?”

“Damien.”

“No, honey. They haven’t caught him yet. They will, though.”

“How do you know?” She noticed her dad’s hair had faded to a light gray. She always thought of him with blond hair.

“Because I know that God is good and just. Whether Damien is caught today or twenty years from today, God will bring about justice. I know He will.”

Because the words came from her dad, she willed herself to believe them. She needed to believe them. She needed to start having hope again. Damien had stolen six months of her life, and she was determined not to give him anymore. She tensed a little before asking the next question. “What about Lana? Any word from her?”

Her father’s face fell and he answered softly. “No. No word.” A few moments of silence passed. He reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it. “Your mom’s anxious to see you.”

“She came to visit me last week. Actually, she came every week she was able to visit.” It had made her feel good to have her mom around again. Even if she was a little crazy, Kaki was starting to believe that her mother loved her nonetheless.

“That’s good. And your brother really wants to see you, too. He’s doing a lot better. But…we’re all just taking it one day at a time. That’s the best we can do. I guess we all have to start new lives.” A tight smile pulled at his lips.

Kaki nodded, although her insides trembled with fear. She couldn’t envision what a new life looked like. She wondered if her dad felt as scared as she did.

Sydney’s death was an ever-present memory, although Kaki had worked hard to put it behind her. Officially, an autopsy ruled Sydney Diaz’s death a drug overdose, and not a homicide.

Damien Rosas-Diego was charged for concealing the body and found guilty in absentia, and Kaki felt some comfort in the knowledge that a warrant for his arrest was out there…but Damien was out there, too. No one had found him yet. She still awoke to the nightmarish vision of his black eyes staring down at her, his hands reaching out to wrap around her throat. “Do I have to go back to school?” she asked, dreading the answer.

Tyler cleared his throat. “Well, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. How would you feel about doing homebound until the end of the year? And then, at the start of next year, Molly would teach you and Brandon at home. Almost like homeschooling. How would you feel about that?”

The idea of never having to set foot in that school—with all of its memories and associations that made her physically ill—provided monumental relief. The muscles in her neck and shoulders loosened. “I think it sounds like a great idea.”

~*~

Saturday, April 1

The adorable, heavy-footed puppies ran back and forth and all over Josh and Molly’s living room floor.

Something inside Kaki sang. For the time she was sitting on the floor with them, running her fingers over their fluffy heads, or holding their warm, furry bodies in her arms, not one thought about Damien, her fear, or the ugly black and blue tattoo on her wrist entered her mind.

Kaki looked down at her wrist. She’d been keeping it covered with a terrycloth tennis wristband. It looked kind of dumb, but it was better than the tattoo. She had called the organization Darienne suggested and had an appointment next week to have a plastic surgeon look at it. She could hardly wait.

One of the puppies grabbed the wristband between its teeth and tugged at it.

Kaki laughed, extracted the cloth from the puppy’s mouth, and held its fuzzy body under her chin. It looked up at her and licked her. She breathed in its sweet puppy breath. The puppies were the purest form of love Kaki had ever known.

Molly said a dog’s love was God’s way of revealing a small glimpse of His love. “A dog loves unconditionally, no matter who we are or what we do. They never leave us or forsake us. A lot like God.”

Kaki couldn’t understand how God could ever love or forgive her when she was so dirty and unworthy. But it helped her to believe He might be able to accept her when she held one of those puppies. The furball she was holding licked her face until her cheeks were wet and shining. It wanted nothing more than to be in her company.

“When are you going to pick out one of those puppies and take it home with you?” Molly asked.

Kaki wanted one of the puppies. Her dad had even said she was welcome to bring one home anytime she wanted. But she couldn’t. Not with Damien still out there. “I don’t know,” Kaki said. “I’m not sure.”

“What? You can’t decide?” Molly laughed. “OK. That’s easy. Take two of them. They’re small. Your dad won’t even notice the second one.”

“It’s not that. I just…I don’t know.”

“Well, listen. We can’t keep all of these. We already gave away two, and we’ve got to find homes for these others. Josh said we can only keep one of them, and I’ve already decided I’ll keep whichever one isn’t chosen.”

Kaki pointed at her two favorites, a little fawn-colored chub and the black and white runt.

“Great!” Molly exclaimed. “You can take them home with you today. Nothing’ll take your mind off of your woes like puppies. I don’t even think about babies anymore. God used Trixie and these puppies to completely divert my attention to a different type of mothering—one that requires me to feed, water, clean, and care for these furry babies…all because of the gift of a stray, pregnant mutt on the doorstep one freezing January afternoon.”

“Really? So, you don’t even feel bad about not having any human children?”

“I just know that God’s plans are much greater, and much more comprehensive than mine. Maybe, if we’d had those children we so desperately wanted, we would have been too busy, too consumed with them to be of use to anyone else’s kids…like to you and your brothers and sisters. Maybe one day we’ll look back and say, ‘So that’s why.’ Or maybe we’ll just have to continue to trust that the Lord is good.”

Kaki looked down at the puppy she held. It’s little fawn-colored body blurred as her eyes filled with tears. She wanted to snatch up those puppies and run home with them right then, but something stopped her. Fear for the puppies. “I’m just afraid, Molly.” She hated the way her voice sounded.

Molly’s large, dark eyes grew serious. “What are you afraid of?”

The tears threatened to spill over. She hadn’t cried in ages. The lump in her throat made her voice sound thick. “I’m afraid Damien will kill them,” she said, bursting into sobs. “They haven’t caught him yet. He said he’d kill my family, my friends, my pets…”

Molly pulled her into a tight hug. She held her until she finished crying, which seemed to take a long time.

Finally, Kaki pulled back and looked at her. An idea suddenly occurred. “Could the puppies stay with you until they catch Damien? Until I know it would be safe to bring them home?”

Molly had tears in her own eyes as she nodded. “Of course, sweetie. They can stay here until you’re ready.”

“Until he’s caught?”

She nodded. “Until he’s caught.”