Index

A

Acceptance: discussing problem in atmosphere of mutual; by empty nest couples; fear of rejection and desire for; of partner’s vulnerable feelings

ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)

Addictions

Administration for Children and Families

Adultery: forgiveness for; pain of betrayal of

Agenda setting: Bjorn and Frances’s use of; problem solving

Agreement: Bjorn and Frances’s problem solving; problem solving

Alcohol abuse

Alex and Helen

Alexandra and Jake

Alfred and Eileen

Alice and Chuck

Alone Together (Amato and colleagues)

Amato, Paul

Anderson, Rod and Mary: “being stuck” commitment by; constraint commitment by; sacrifice missing in relationship of; talk threatening the long-term view by

Anna and Chet

Appreciation: shown by positive reinforcement of partner; XYZ statements to express; of your partner’s supportive acts

Arp, Claudia

Arp, Dave

Artis and Pam

Asbury Seminary

Assessing problem area

Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment (ACME)

Attention: distractions barrier to; paying

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)

Avoidance: concerns related to Time Out, Pause, and; definition of; preventing; as sign of hidden issue. See also Conflict avoidance; Withdrawal

B

Barb and Zach

Barker, Charles: hurt caused by; steps taken for restoration by

Barker, Thelma: pain suffered because of thrown away momentos; steps taken for forgiveness

Baucom, Don

Baumeister, Roy

Beach, Steven

Bedroom: keeping tension out of the; relationships, sleep, and the

Behavior patterns: deciding versus sliding; making you feel unsafe in relationships. See also Destructive patterns; Pursuit-withdrawal pattern

“Being stuck”

Being there

Belief exercises: Finding Spiritual Intimacy; Honoring Your Values; Who’s Got Your Back? Your Social Supports

Beliefs: exercises on; miscommunication due to; nonshared but respected; nonshared with conflict; religious versus spiritual; tendency to project. See also Core values; Religious beliefs; Worldview

Berra, Yogi

Bertha and Hector

Beyond the Chuppah (Markman, Blumberg, and Levine)

Biking metaphors

Bill and Marge

Bill and Martha

Bjorn and Frances

Blumberg, Susan L.

Bob and Mary

Bondenmann, Guy

Boston University

Boundary expectations

Bowling Green State University

Bradbury, Tom

Brainstorming: Bjorn and Frances’s example of; fun activities; problem solving

Brigham Young University

Burt and Chelsea

Bush, George

Byron and Marjorie

C

Call, Vaughn

Caring issue: hidden; unintended infractions triggering

Carson, Johnny

The Case for Marriage (Waite and Gallagher)

CaSondra and Rolando

Casual talk

Cathy and Jason

Center for Marriage Research (Bowling Green State University)

Chapman University

Chelsea and Burt

Chet and Anna

Child rearing, conflict over

Children: ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) in; born out of wedlock; impact of high-conflict marriage on; play as developmentally needed by; using Time Out to avoid conflict in front of

Chivalry issues

Christensen, Andrew

Chuck and Alice

Clark University

Claudia and Kevin

Clements, Mari

Coffin, Bill

Cohabitation. See Premarital cohabitation

Cold War summit conference

Commitment: “being stuck” with; constraint; as core value; description and types of; exercises on; gender differences in marital; as glue holding relationships together; hidden issue of; impact of religion on marriage; link between power, control, and; mistakes due to neglect of daily; nurturing your marital; by offender to change recurrent patterns or attitudes; personal dedication; as secret for good marriage; “sticking” with; strategies for rebuilding “sticking”; talk of future together reinforcing; withdrawal response to partner’s lack of. See also Core values

Commitment exercises: Assessing Constraint Commitment; Assessing Dedication Commitment; Considering Priorities; Nurturing the Long-Term View

Commitment theory

Communication: cues or signals used by partners as; how you start talking determines the; about marital expectations; memory matching of past; understanding filters in; of unexpressed dedication commitment; when one wants to talk but the other doesn’t; withdrawal and avoidance as barriers to; about your physical relationship. See also Listening; Speaker Listener Technique; Talks

Communication Danger Signs: depression resulting from; description of; emotional support as reducing; as negative communication; religious practice by couples and reduction of; Speaker Listener Technique for dealing with; stress effects on; Time Out or Pause to counteract

Communication filters: being aware of; beliefs and expectations as; common problem related to; differences in style as; distractions as; emotional states as; exercise on; self-protection as; Speaker Listener Technique to counteract; two important things to know about. See also Destructive patterns

Communication strategies: what do you want; what is “intimate” to you

Community mental health centers

Competition gender differences

Compromise: Bjorn and Frances’s problem solving; problem solving

Compulsive behaviors

Confidence. See Marital confidence

Conflict avoidance: problem-solving approach using; as reaction to conflict. See also Avoidance

Conflict control: ground rules used for; self-regulation for; using signals to detour around dangerous places. See also Pause; Time Out

Conflict management: couples with children and; destructive; emotional safety and; principle of structure for; The Relationship Quiz assessing your

Conflict talk

Conflicts: as barrier to fun; emotional safety during; escalation during; gender differences in handling; gender differences related to winning; importance of how partners handle; make it safe to connect during; negative interpretations during; nonshared views with; open doors to positive connections during; physical reactions to; protecting fun from; sexual intimacy impacted by; survey on negative patterns during; talking as friends leads to; withdrawal and avoidance during. See also Issues

Connections. See Positive connections

Constraint commitment

Control issue: hidden; link between power, commitment, and; marital expectations about; unintended infractions triggering

Cordova, Allan

Cordova, James

Core values: exercise on honoring your; honesty as; intimacy as; listed; respect as. See also Beliefs; Commitment; Forgiveness

Counseling centers

Couple identity: description of; as personal dedication commitment dynamic; Reminiscing talks as building. See also Partners

Couples: with children and conflict management importance; empty nest; household roles of dual-earner; premarital cohabitation by. See also Relationships; specific couple examples

Couples dates: deciding on fun activities for; gender differences in reports on; how many weeks since last; tips for successful. See also Fun strategies; Play

A Couple’s Guide to Communication (Gottman, Notarius, Gonso, and Markman)

Craig and Louise

Crohn, Joel

Cultural influences

Cummings, Mark

Cutrona, Carolyn

D

Dates. See Couples dates

Dave and Noreen

David and Margot

Davis, Michelle Weiner

Dawn and Paul

Deciding versus sliding behavior: damage done by sliding; overview of; personal commitment, premarital cohabitation, and; trust and forgiveness as choice

Dedication. See Personal dedication commitment

Dee and Martin

Demand-withdraw pattern

Depression: gender differences related to; lack of marital confidence and; mental health problems and related

Destructive patterns: escalation; examining the beginnings of; invalidation through painful put-downs; negative interpretations; understanding the danger of; withdrawal and avoidance. See also Behavior patterns; Communication filters

Dexter and Laura

Dickson, Fran

Differences in style: description of; importance of how partners handle; miscommunication due to

Disappointments: continued pain and grief over; grieving for unmet expectations

Distractions: description of; miscommunication due to; paying attention to prevent

Divorce: fallen out of love reason for; mixed-faith couples and; one partner’s religious attendance and; premarital cohabitation and probability of; threatening the long-term view by talk of

Divorce rates: increasing; premarital cohabitation and higher; PREP couples and lower

Do your part key: examples of how to; overview of. See also Teamwork approach

Doing things

Domestic aggression and violence

Domestic violence hotline

Domico, Beth: failure to attend luncheon honoring Tony; responsibility taken by; Tony’s forgiveness extended to

Domico, Tony: forgiveness by; reaction to Beth’s absence at luncheon honoring; response to Beth taking responsibility by

Donna and Max

Door opening issue

Doub, George

Dual-earner marriages

E

Eileen and Alfred

Ellen and Gregg

Emery, Robert

Emotional safety: during conflict; to connect; importance of; sharing and accepting vulnerable feelings and; structure to bring; when talking about sensitive themes. See also Speaker Listener Technique

Emotional state: communication impacted by; miscommunication due to; regulating negative emotions and

Emotional support: being a friend and offering; being there as; doing things as; enhancing; exercises on; giving as; giving encouragement as; of religious involvement; research on benefits of; talking and listening as; touching as; XYZ statements used to give. See also Social support

Emotional triggers: events related to issues that act as; learning to understand partner’s; trivial

Empty nest couples: forgiveness and acceptance by; issues of conflict in

Empty Nesting: Reinventing Your Marriage When Your Kids Leave Home (Arp and Arp)

Epstein, Norm

Eric and Shandra

“Erotic loss”

Escalation: damage of things said during; description of; impact of stress on; short-circuiting; Speaker Listener Technique to counteract; subtle patterns of

Estevan and Maria: invalidation between; preventing invalidation; short-circuiting escalation

Eugene and Wanda

Evelyn and Herman

Events: common upsetting; description of; fights triggered by; how to deal with triggering; separating from hidden issues

Exercises: on commitment; on communication filters; on friendship talk; on using ground rules; on having fun; on hidden issues; honoring your values; on marital expectations; problem solving; on pursuit-withdrawal pattern; The Relationship Quiz; on sensuality; on social supports; on Speaker Listener Technique; on spiritual intimacy; on support; on working on forgiveness; writing down positive things about your partner

Expectations. See Marital expectations

F

Family of origin: cultural influences of; as marital expectations source; worldview and

Family problems and stress

Fay and Raymond

Fighting. See Conflicts

Financial problems

Fincham, Frank

First marriages, issues of conflict in

Fisher, Roger

Florida State University

Follow-up: Bjorn and Frances’s problem solving; problem solving

Forgiveness: asking for; as core value; definition of; degree of infraction implications for; exercises on working on; as a gift; hope preserved by; illustrated by pit metaphor; impact of perceptions of responsibility on; of intended infractions; making it last; power of; preventing negativity as better than; responsibility in context of; scorekeeping versus; statements on working toward; steps to restoration and; of unintended infractions; what it isn’t; when partner won’t take responsibility. See also Core values

Forgiveness exercises: Working on Forgiveness: Individual Work; Working on Forgiveness: Working Together

Forgiveness steps: 1: schedule couple meeting for discussing issue; 2: set the agenda to work on issue; 3: fully explore pain and concerns related to issue; 4: offender asks for forgiveness; 5: offended agrees to forgive; 6: commitment to change offending patterns or attitudes; 7: expect it to take time

Fraenkel, Peter

Frances and Bjorn

Freitas, Donna

“Friend time”

Friends: description of; intimacy and connections between

Friendship: barriers to; exercises on; protected in your marriage. See also Partners; Social support

Friendship barriers: lack of friendship talk; lack of time; marriage versus friendship roles; talking as friends leads to conflict

Friendship exercises: Friendship Talks; Personal Interviews; Talking About Friendship

Friendship strategies: making friendship a high priority; making the time; protecting your friendship from conflict and issues; talk like friends

Friendship talk: description of; exercises on; gender differences in; lack of; as leading to conflict

Frietas, Donna

Fuller Theological Seminary

Fun: barriers to; exercises on having; how many weeks since couples date; relationship importance of; sensuality and sexuality sources of; working at play and. See also Play

Fun activities: brainstorming about; fun deck for selecting; getting going with; suggestions and ideas for

Fun barriers: conflict gets in the way; play is for kids; we’re too busy

Fun deck

Fun exercises: Dating Is Not Just for Kids; Making and Using a Fun Deck

Fun strategies: coming up with fun things to do; making the time; protecting fun from conflict. See also Couples dates

Furman, Wyndol

G

Gallagher, Maggie

Geena and Pierre

Gender differences: chivalry expectations and; communication and; competitive need to win and; in couple date reporting; demand-withdraw pattern and; depression and; friendship talk and; in handling conflict; happiness and; housework roles in dual-earner marriages; marital commitment and; marital expectations and; marital status and benefits of; marital status and marital happiness; marriage research on; in perception of problems/problem solving; rates of withdrawal and; rational thinking and; on what is “intimate”; what’s true and what’s false about; willingness to sacrifice for partner

Geneva Convention

Georgetown University

Getting to Yes (Fisher, Ury, and Patton)

Geysers metaphor

Gilligan, Carol

Giving encouragement

Giving of yourself

Glass, Shirley P.

Gonso, Jonni

Gorbachev, Mikhail

Gottman, John

Gregg and Ellen

Grewen, Karen

Grief: for infractions against; partner’s validation of your; for unmet expectations

Ground rules: 1: Time Out or Pause; 2: engaging the Speaker Listener Technique; 3: separate Problem Discussion from Problem Solution; 4: mutual agreement on time to talk; 5: weekly couple meetings; 6: making time for the great things; exercise on using; importance and purpose of; reviewing your use of the; summary of

H

Hahlweg, Kurt

Halford, Kim

Hall, Julie

Happy marriages. See Marital happiness

Harlow, Harry

Harvard University

Healthy Marriage initiatives: Healthy Fatherhood and Marriage Initiative; OMI (Oklahoma Marriage Initiative)

Heaton, Tim

Hector and Bertha

Helen and Alex

Herman and Evelyn

Hidden issues: of caring; of commitment; of control and power; description and dangers of; exercises on; fear of rejection driving; handling; of integrity; intimacy by working through; marital expectation conflicts and; of recognition; recognizing the signs of; separating events from; Speaker Listener Technique for dealing with; unintended infractions triggering. See also Issues

Hidden issues exercises: Signs of Hidden Issues; Talking About Your Hidden Issues; What Are Your Hidden Issues

Holding hands

Holeman, Toddy

Hollis, James

Honesty value

Hope and forgiveness

Household chores: gender differences and roles of; increased conflict over

I

In a Different Voice (Gilligan)

Infractions: continued pain and grief over; differing perceptions of responsibility for; forgiveness and degree of; forgiving deliberate; forgiving unintended; due to neglect of daily commitment; steps to restoration and forgiving; taking responsibility for; when partners refuse to take responsibility for

Integrity issues

Interfaith marriages

Intimacy: as core value; between friends; gender differences in defining; marital expectations related to issues of; by sharing and accepting vulnerable feelings; talking about sensitive themes to promote; by working through hidden issues. See also Sexual intimacy; Spiritual intimacy

Invalidation: description of; preventing; Speaker Listener Technique to counteract; two examples of

Investment expectations

Iowa State

Issues: common upsetting; fights triggered by events related to; mutual agreement on timing of talk on; negative interpretations of; Problem Inventory to rate; significance of who’s raising the; sleep as conflict; studies on key problem areas of. See also Conflicts; Hidden issues; Problems; Worries

J

Jake and Alexandra

Jake and Pam

James, William

Jason and Cathy

Jay and Martha

Jean and Randy

Jeff and Paula

Jenkins, Natalie

Jeremy and Lisa

Jill and Nelson

Joel and Jill

John and Marsha

Julien, Danielle

K

Kevin and Claudia

Kiecolt-Glaser, Janice

L

Lars and Nancy

Larson, Jeff

Laumann, Edward

Laura and Dexter

Laurenceau, Jean-Philippe

Levine, Janice R.: on gift of forgiveness; on importance of listening; as one of Beyond the Chuppah authors; on the power of love; Why Do Fools Fall in Love? coauthored by

Levy, Leon

Lisa and Jeremy

Listening: emotional support through; paraphrasing not always necessary for; talk like friends by. See also Communication; Speaker Listener Technique

“Little things”

Liz and Matt

Long-term view: benefits of taking the; damage of threatening the; exercise on nurturing the; as personal dedication commitment dynamic

Louise and Craig

Love: definitions of; falling out of; forgiveness as element of; the “little things” that express; as process of commitment. See also Romance; Sexual intimacy

Love You Relationship weekend couples retreats

Lucinda and Mario

Lucy and Miguel

Luke and Tara

M

McCollough, Michael

Mahoney, Annette

“Make It Happen” goal

Make it safe to connect key. See Connections; Emotional safety

Making choices: alternative monitoring and; as dedication commitment dynamic; setting priorities for; sliding versus deciding and

Making time for great things!

Manning, Wendy

Margaret and Roberto

Marge and Bill

Margot and David

Maria and Estevan: invalidation between; preventing invalidation; short-circuiting escalation

Mario and Lucinda

Marital confidence: building; depression and lack of; for future marital happiness; long-term view as reinforcing

Marital expectations: being aware of your; being clear about your; being motivated to meet each other’s; being reasonable about your; cultural and religious influences on; exercises related to; family of origin as source of; gender differences and; gender differences in chivalry; grieving and acceptance of unfulfilled; how relationships are affected by; massive changes in people’s; meeting your partner’s; miscommunication due to; previous relationships as source of; role of unrealistic; tendency to project; worldview and family and

Marital expectations exercises: Discussing Your Expectations; Exploring Your Expectations; Rating Your Expectations

Marital happiness: building confidence for; five keys to; gender differences related to happiness and; having confidence for future; key risks to lasting; major themes on how to reach; personal dedication commitment and; reaching the goal of having a; research and study of; similar religious background as edge in; successfully rebuilding

Marital satisfaction: gender differences and; marriage research on

Marjorie and Byron

Marjorie and Simon

Markman, Howard J.: on being immature forever; deciding versus sliding concept used by; as Dr. Prevention; on emotional support need; on evolution of soul mates; on gender differences of needs; on holding hands; on impact of negative interactions; on listening first; marital happiness focus of; on marriage confidence and symptoms of depression; marriage research findings by; as one of Beyond the Chuppah authors; as one of A Couple’s Guide to Communication authors; premarital cohabitation research by; on research on average couple’s making love timing; on understanding to solve problems; We Can Work It Out coauthored by; Why Do Fools Fall in Love? coauthored by

Marriage: current projections on rate of; gender differences and benefits of; impact of worldview on your; interfaith; making a reality of fighting for your; process of how it dies; protecting friendship in your. See also Relationships

Marriage research: on communication; on continuing conflict over issues; on deeper positive connections in relationships; on depression and marital confidence; on destructive patterns; on divorce of mixed-faith couples; on divorce rates and premarital cohabitation; on emotional support benefits; empirically informed; empirically tested; on gender differences; on impact of religion on marriage; on importance of how talks begin; on making forgiveness last; on marital expectations; on marital happiness; on marital satisfaction; on no interest in sex or “erotic loss”; on perceptions of infractions and responsibility; on physical reactions to conflict; on premarital cohabitation and marriage commitment; on romantic talking; on sleep and relationships; on Speaker Listener Technique effectiveness; on stakes for high-conflict couples with children; on successful rebuilding of marriages; on timing of making love for average couple; on touching benefits; on willingness to sacrifice for partner

Marsha and John

Marta and Tom

Martha and Bill

Martha and Jay

Martin and Dee

Martina and Nick

Mary and Bob

Matt and Liz

Max and Donna

Maxwell and Zoey

Mel and Sandy

Melissa and Will

Memory matching

Men: chivalry expectations by; communication patterns of; competitive need to win by; couple date reporting by; demand-withdraw pattern and; depression and; friendship talk and; happiness and; housework roles in dual-earner marriages; intimacy as defined by most; marital commitment by; marital expectations of; marital happiness and; marital status benefits to; perception of problems by; rates of female withdrawal compared to; rational thinking and; what’s true and what’s false about; willingness to sacrifice for female partners. See also Women

Mental health problems

Miguel and Lucy

Mike and Tracy

Mind reading: beliefs and expectations impacting; negative interpretation example of

Miscommunication: beliefs and expectations leading to; differences in style leading to; distractions leading to; filter awareness to prevent; filters leading to; self-protection leading to

Mistakes. See Infractions

Mitch and Tish

Mixed Matches (Crohn)

Mixed-faith marriages

Money issues: Bjorn and Frances’s example of problem solving; conflict avoidance over; as ripe area for conflict

Moods. See Emotional state

Mr. Potato Head story

N

Nancy and Lars

NASA

National Healthy Marriage Resource Center

National Institutes of Health

National Registry of Evidence-based Programs and Practices

Negative affect regulation

Negative communication: filters leading to; marital happiness related to amount of

Negative interpretations: battling your; beliefs and expectations impacting; description of; example of; guarding against; hopelessness created through; responsibility, forgiveness, and; self-regulation by controlling our. See also Perceptions

Negotiation-based marriage: impact of technological changes on; shift to; unrealistic expectations role in

Nelson and Jill

Nick and Martina

NMW (No Matter What) T-shirts

No-fault divorce laws, description and impact of

Noreen and Dave

Notarius, Clifford

Notre Dame

Nurture your commitment key. See Commitment

O

Ocean’s 11 (film)

Ohio State University College of Medicine

Old Faithful metaphor

Oly and Sharon

OMI (Oklahoma Marriage Initiative)

Opening doors to positive connections. See Positive connections

Oprah (TV show)

Out of wedlock birth

Oxytocin

P

Pain: of infractions or betrayal; intimacy of partner’s sharing of; partner’s validation of your; of unmet expectations

Pam and Artis

Pam and Jake

Paraphrasing: as active listening; examples of good; not always necessary when listening; Speaker Listener Technique rules on

Pargament, Kenny

Partners: conflict control cues or signals used by; counting on safe relationship with your; developing shared worldview; meeting expectations of your; mismatched day versus night people; negative interpretations or perceptions of; Personal Interviews of your; positive reinforcement of your; recognizing value of; research on religious practices by; showing respect to your; understanding emotional triggers of your; when they refuse to take responsibility; willingness to sacrifice for; working as a team on your relationship; writing down positive things about. See also Couple identity; Friendship; Relationships

Pasch, Lauri

Patterson, Jerry

Patton, Bruce

Paul and Dawn

Paula and Jeff

Pause: concerns related to withdrawal, avoidance, and; example of conflict control using; example of taking a; keeping conflict under control using; process for taking; stopping conflict escalation using. See also Time Out

Peck, M. Scott

Perceptions: gender differences in problem; of infraction blame and responsibility. See also Negative interpretations

Performance anxiety

Personal dedication commitment: characterization of; couple identity dynamic of; description of; development of; exercise for assessing your; the “little things” that express; long-term view dynamic of; making choices dynamic of; sacrifice dynamic of; strategies for rebuilding “sticking”; unexpressed; withdrawal response to partner’s lack of

Personal Interviews

Peter and Tessie

Physical aggression

Physical intimacy. See Sexual intimacy

Pierre and Geena

Pit metaphor of forgiveness

Pittman, Frank

Play: children’s developmental need for; strategies for engaging in; understanding that adults also need. See also Couples dates; Fun

Positive connections: emotional safety for; between friends; making them count; neglect impacting your; open doors to; problem solving and maintaining; research on deeper relationship and

Positive feedback cycle

The Power of Commitment (Stanley)

Power issues: hidden; link between control, commitment, and; marital expectations about

Premarital cohabitation

PREP keys introduction: 1: decide don’t slide; 2: do your part; 3: make it safe to connect; 4: open the doors to positive connections; 5: nurture your commitment

PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program): Cold War summit using principles of; engaging the skills provided by; on key risks to lasting love; origins and description of; overview of five keys to relationships using; practicing the; research findings on; variety of couples using

Previous relationships

Principle of least interest

Principle of structure

Problem Discussion: being clear about what you are upset about; Bjorn and Frances’s example of; conflict control by separating solution from; importance of engaging in; XYZ statements used during

Problem Inventory

Problem Solution steps: agenda setting; agreement and compromise; Bjorn and Frances’s example of; brainstorming; follow-up; listed; separating Problem Discussion from

Problem solving: Bjorn and Frances’s example of; Cold War summit conference approach to; exercises on; gender differences in approach to; maintaining mutual respect and connection during; problem discussion component of; Speaker Listener Technique rule on; steps to take for; strategies for really difficult; talking like friends and not. See also Speaker Listener Technique

Problem-solving exercises: Practice Problem Solving; Problem Area Assessment; XYZ Statements: Constructive Griping

Problem-solving strategies: cycle back through the steps; halfway can get you all the way; Problem Solution; separating Problem Discussion from Problem Solution; when there is no solution

Problems: approached with winning in mind; assessment of; domestic aggression and violence; dynamic risk factors for; effective discussion of; financial; gender differences related to perception of; marriage and occurrence of; mental health; national resources for getting help with; no getting around having; risk factors for; serious marital or other family; substance abuse, addictions, or compulsive behaviors; taking enough time to understand the; team effort required for dealing with. See also Issues; Stress

The Psychology of Religion (Spilka and colleagues)

Psychopest

Pursuit-withdrawal pattern: changing the; demand-withdraw versus; examining possible reasons for; exercises for examining the; lack of partner’s dedication and; Speaker Listener Technique to counteract. See also Behavior patterns; Withdrawal

Pursuit-withdrawal pattern exercises: Thinking About What You Do; Thinking About Your Thinking

Put-downs. See Invalidation

R

Randy and Sara

Raymond and Fay

Recognition issue

Reconciliation: characteristics of couples succeeding at; choice to trust and engage in; responsibility role in forgiveness and; steps to forgiveness, restoration, and

Relationship Dynamics Scale

The Relationship Quiz

Relationships: behavior patterns making you feel unsafe in; biking metaphors for; commitment as glue holding together; connection between sleep issue and; counting on your partner as safe; daily dose of forgiveness to maintain; deeper positive connections in; destructive patterns damaging; ground rules for great; impact of worldview on your; introducing five keys to great; key risks to lasting love and; link between power, control, and commitment in; marital expectations developed by previous; research on communication impact on; research on deeper positive connections in; universal desire for a great; working as a team on your. See also Couples; Marriage; Partners

Religious beliefs: interfaith marriages and; as marital expectations source; nonshared but respected differences; nonshared views with conflict; shared worldview based on shared; spirituality versus; study on young people and; when your views differ from partner. See also Beliefs; Spiritual intimacy

Religious involvement: emotional support through; finding the right place for your; nonshared and differing; research on; study on couples’ practice of shared

Reminiscing talks

Respect: as core value; discussing problem in atmosphere of mutual; problem solving and maintaining mutual; showing your partner

Responsibility: differing perceptions of infractions and; forgiveness in context of; infractions and taking; negative interpretation, forgiveness, and; regaining trust and role of taking; when your partner refuses to take

Rhoades, Galena

Rinzler, Alan

The Road Less Traveled (Peck)

Roberto and Margaret

Rogge, Ron

Rolando and CaSondra

Romance: the art of; talking element of; your plan for successful. See also Love; Sensuality

Ross, E. A.

Rubin, Lillian

S

Sacrifice: as personal dedication commitment dynamic; selfishness versus

Safety. See Emotional safety

Sager, Clifford

Samantha and Tim

Sandra and William

Sandy and Mel

Sara and Randy

Scorekeeping

Scorekeeping versus forgiveness

Second marriage issues

Self-protection: description of; miscommunication due to

Self-regulation: putting the brakes on; watching how you think for

Selfishness

Sempleton, Deidre and Eric: personal dedication shared by; sticking together commitment of; strong expectation of future together by

Sensitive themes: Speaker Listener Technique for talking about; talking safely about

Sensuality: exercises on; romantic talking and; sexuality versus; thoughts related to; touching related to. See also Romance

Serious marital/family problems

The Sex-Starved Marriage (Davis)

Sexual dysfunctions

Sexual intimacy: communicating desires for; conflict and; lack of interest in; making a priority of; performance anxiety and; research on average couple’s timing of; talking about your. See also Intimacy; Love

Sexuality: sensuality versus; sexual disinterest and lack of; thoughts related to; Viagra ads on

Shandra and Eric

Shared worldview

Sharing vulnerable feelings

Sharon and Oly

Short-circuiting escalation

Shulz, William

Simon and Marjorie

Single parenting, rising rates of

Sleep apnea

Sleep issue

Sliding. See Deciding versus sliding behavior

Smalley, Gary

Smock, Pamela

Snoring

Social support: exercise on; finding religious community providing; research on need and benefits of. See also Emotional support; Friendship

Soul mates

Speaker Listener Technique: advantages of using the; benefits of using; Bjorn and Frances’ use of; common questions or objections to; conflict control by “engaging” the; for dealing with hidden issues; differing marital expectations understood using; example of using the; examples of good paraphrases using; exercise on using; importance of practicing; Problem Discussion using; providing support through use of; research on effectiveness of; reviewing the rules for using the; rules for both of you; rules for the listener; rules for the speaker; taking a Pause or Time Out rule of; talking about state of your marriage using; tips for effective use of. See also Communication; Emotional safety; Listening; Problem solving; Talks

Speaker Listener Technique exercises: Moving On to Conflictual Topics; Starting Out: Talking as Friends

Spilka, Bernie

Spiritual intimacy: exercise on finding; impact of worldview on. See also Intimacy; Religious beliefs

Spirituality: religion versus; study on young people’s

Stanley, Kyle

Stanley, Nancy

Stanley, Scott M.: deciding versus sliding concept used by; as Dr. Commitment; on forgiveness as element of love; “How a Marriage Dies” talk by; on marriage confidence and symptoms of depression; marriage research findings of; The Power of Commitment by; on power, control, and commitment link; premarital cohabitation research by; on sources of sexual passion; on taking a Time Out; as Tempur-Pedic mattress company consultant; on willingness to sacrifice for partner

Sternberg, Robert

“Sticking” together

Storaasli, Ragnar

Stress: chemical reactions of; Communication Danger Signs and links to; as distraction; serious marital or family problems or. See also Problems

Structure principle

Substance abuse: national resources for help with; problems related to

Sue and Tod

Suicide

Suicide prevention hotline

Support: definition of; enhancing your; exercises on; need and benefits of social; types of; XYZ statements used to give. See also Worries

Support exercises: Making the Positives Count; Practicing Support Talk; What Type of Support Do You Want

Support talk

Support types: being there as; doing things as; giving as; giving encouragement as; talking and listening as; touching as

Swenson, Johann: adultery committed by; process of Megan regaining trust in; taking responsibility for adultery

Swenson, Megan: forgiveness decision to be made by; process of regaining trust in Johann by; reaction to Johann’s affair by; response to Johann taking responsibility

T

“Take Me out to the Ball Game” (song)

Taking responsibility. See Responsibility

Talk without fighting: emotional safety through; Speaker Listener Technique for

Talks: casual; conflict; emotional support through; without fighting; four types of; friendship; about the future years together; importance of how they begin; mutual agreement on timing of; rebuilding your marriage through; reminiscing; about sensitive themes; sensuality of romantic; support; threatening the long-term view; about your sexual relationship. See also Communication; Speaker Listener Technique

Tannen, Deborah

Tara and Luke

Teamwork approach: required for dealing with problems; to working on forgiveness; working on relationship using. See also Do your part key

Technological changes: distractions related to; marital negotiations related to; significant impact of

Ted and Wendy: escalation between; invalidation pattern between; preventing invalidation

Tempur-Pedic mattress company

Tessie and Peter

Thich Nhat Hanh

Tim and Samantha

Time Out: to avoid conflict in front of children; concerns related to withdrawal and avoidance; example of conflict control using; keeping conflict under control using; to protect friendship from conflict and issues; Speaker Listener Technique use of. See also Pause

Tish and Mitch

Tod and Sue

Tom and Marta

Touching: emotional support through; holding hands; sensuality related to

Tracy and Mike

Triggers. See Emotional triggers

Trivial triggers

Trust: degree of infraction and impact on; deliberate infraction and broken; process of regaining; responsibility component of; role of taking responsibility in regaining; unintended infractions and broken

Twain, Mark

U

UCLA

Understanding Human Conflict course (University of Denver)

Unexpressed dedication commitment

University of California, San Francisco

University of Chicago

University of Cincinnati

University of Delaware

University of Denver

University of Georgia

University of Maryland

University of Minnesota

University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill

University of Quebec

University of Queensland

University of Rochester

University of Virginia

University of Washington

University of Zurich

Ury, William

U.S. Navy: chaplain of; working with the

V

Valentine’s Day

Verge, Charlie

Viagra

Violence

Virginia Commonwealth University

Vohs, Kathleen

W

Waite, Linda

Waller, Willard

Wanda and Eugene

“Warm partner contact” research

Watts-Jones, Dee

We Can Work It Out (Notarius and Markman)

Web sites: Administration for Children Youth and Families; PREP

Weekly couple meetings

Weiss, Robert R.

Wendy and Ted: escalation between; invalidation pattern between; preventing invalidation

What do I want? question

What do you want? question

What does my partner want? question

What is “intimate” to you? question

Wheel spinning

Whitton, Sarah

Why Do Fools Fall in Love? (Levine and Markman)

Will and Melissa

William and Sandra

Withdrawal: concerns related to Time Out, Pause, and; definition of; description of; examining possible reasons for; lack of partner’s dedication and; preventing. See also Avoidance; Pursuit-withdrawal pattern

The Wizard of Oz (film)

Women: chivalry expectations by; communication patterns of; competitive need to win by; couple date reporting by; demand-withdraw pattern and; depression and; friendship talk and; happiness and; housework roles in dual-earner marriages; intimacy as defined by most; marital commitment by; marital confidence and depressive symptoms by; marital expectations of; marital happiness and; marital status benefits to; men’s willingness to sacrifice for; perception of problems by; physical reactions to conflict by; rates of male withdrawal compared to; rational thinking and; what’s true and what’s false about. See also Men

Worldview: nonshared but respected; nonshared with conflict; shared; when you do not share partner’s. See also Beliefs

Worries: common types of; coping to handle. See also Issues; Support

Worthington, Everett, Jr.

X

XYZ statements: exercises for practicing; expressing appreciation suing; giving support through; Problem Discussion using

Y

Yale University

Yellowstone National Park metaphor

Z

Zach and Barb

Zoey and Maxwell