8
Keeping Conflict Under Control
Ground Rules for a Great Relationship
As we have seen in previous chapters, the choices you make during arguments can make the difference between being happy and connected or distant and angry. It’s crucial that you manage the conflicts and differences that will arise, without damaging your relationship. You now understand some strategies for talking safely without fighting and for solving problems. We end the conflict management portion of our book by sharing with you our six ground rules for nurturing a great relationship and protecting it from the destructive effects of conflict.
We use the term ground rules to highlight the importance of having a mutual understanding of and commitment to how the two of you will deal with difficult matters. For us, the term originates with the game of baseball. Every major league baseball park has its own ground rules—agreements that are particular to that park. Try typing “ground rules” into an Internet search engine, and you’ll likely come up with the rules for several major ballparks as well as sites that talk about the importance of ground rules for any type of dispute management. In baseball, there are general rules as well as specific ground rules for each home field that tell the coaches, players, and umpires such things as whether or not a ball is considered in play when it hits the top of a particular fence and bounces back onto the field (or whether that counts as a home run or a double). You get the idea. Essentially, these rules are designed to minimize conflicts about what’s fair (or foul) and allow people instead to focus on enjoying the game.
That’s what we want for you. We want the two of you to have some rules that you agree to follow—that you have customized to minimize conflicts that occur in your “home park.” Many couples tell us that these ground rules level the playing field in that the rules are clear, easy to follow, and agreed on in advance of conflicts, when things are calm between the partners. But most of all, knowing that there are rules for relationships helps people feel safe to connect.
We have had the opportunity to work with all three branches of the U.S. military. During a training we were conducting for the U.S. Navy, a chaplain, who was a lieutenant commander, remarked that it was ironic that there is a Geneva Convention for rules of warfare, but none for fighting constructively in marriage. In this chapter, we suggest a Geneva Convention of ground rules for your relationship.
Ground rules represent choices couples make to handle the conflict that naturally arises in their relationships. Every couple can set their own, individualizing them to meet the special needs of their relationship. It’s important to remember that not everyone is going to want to have all the same rules, and that you have to be flexible. We want you to choose the few rules that work for both of you. If all the rules we suggest feel right for you, that’s great. But if not, using what works for you is the best of all. If your partner is not as interested in some of these ideas as you are, it’s not something to hold against your partner. It’s also important for the two of you to avoid agreeing on any rule that you both know you’re unlikely to use. Having agreements you are not keeping just makes scorekeeping too easy, and that damages your relationship. So do your part to live up to the ground rules that you can embrace and work on not being upset if your partner does not do his or her part on any given day. You can bet there will be times when one or both of you are not following our suggestions. That’s to be expected. After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day. As you are building your relationship, do so with grace, respect, and humility. Talk about how things are going from time to time, but do so safely (using the Speaker Listener Technique) and under your control (when the two of you decide to talk). Use these rules to help you control the difficult issues in your relationship rather than allow the issues to control you.
Ground Rule 1: When conflict is escalating, we will call a Time Out or Pause and either (1) try talking again, using the Speaker Listener Technique, or (2) agree to talk about the issue later, at a specified time, using the Speaker Listener Technique.
Scott (coauthor) and his wife, Nancy, were driving to the post office with their son Kyle, age four, in the backseat. They were arguing about whether or not it was illegal to make a left-hand turn across double yellow lines. After listening for several minutes to the discussion, Kyle, having absorbed the PREP techniques since birth, piped up and said, “That’s not healthy arguing!” Scott and Nancy stopped, looked at each other, and ended up laughing about it. If you learn how to take a Time Out, as taught here, you don’t have to depend on your children, neighbors, or others to help you rein it in when things get heated.
As mentioned in Chapter Five, this simple ground rule can help you counteract the Communication Danger Signs—escalation, invalidation, withdrawal and avoidance, and negative interpretations. It’s a way to prevent the two of you from damaging your relationship when you know that’s likely to happen—or may already have started to happen. We suggest that you not only agree to this ground rule, or something like it, but also agree on the specific signal that will mean Time Out or Pause for the two of you. You could use these terms, of course, but you can also choose something that is unique to you. It is necessary that you both know what the other is trying to do when you hear the signal. Even though one of you may call Time Out more often, it’s something that the two of you are doing together. That’s the whole point. Otherwise, it can look as though one partner is just avoiding the other, and as we have explained, that just fuels more escalation and anger. In fact, if a withdrawer were to use Time Out in a way that began to look more like withdrawal without follow-up, the partner would probably be wise to keep pursuing issues in an assertive manner—though, we hope, choosing reasonable times for doing so.
One important hint: you can call Pause if you realize that you, your partner, or both of you are getting out of control. You don’t have to keep driving down a road that has signs all over it that say “Danger Ahead!” You are calling a Time Out on the communication at that moment, not on each other. Don’t simply say “Pause” and leave the room, though. Instead, say something like “This is getting hot; let’s stop the action and talk later, OK?” You are working together to stop the destructive process.
Using Time Outs gives withdrawers confidence that conflict won’t get out of hand. Some withdrawers are better able to tolerate conflict knowing they can stop it at any time. However, Time Outs will not work for pursuers at all if the two of you don’t come back to talking about issues that you’ve paused. We realize that for many couples, we’re addressing this last comment to men. It does not work for a withdrawer to call Time Outs but not come back to talking about things that need to be talked about. You’ve got to make it happen, and it’s probably more important, in general, for the one who called for a Time Out to be especially diligent about following up.
If you are a pursuer, this part of the ground rule addresses your concern that Time Outs mean withdrawal and avoidance. The two of you do need to discuss important issues, but in a productive manner. By agreeing to use the Speaker Listener Technique when you come back to talking about an issue, you are agreeing to deal more effectively with the issue that got out of hand.
When you do decide to talk later, try to set the time right then. Perhaps in an hour, or maybe the next day would be a good time to talk. If things were really heated when the Pause was called, you may find that you can’t talk right then even about when you’ll come back to the discussion. That’s OK. You can set a time after things have calmed down between the two of you.
We are often asked an important question about Time Out: “What do I do if we use Time Outs on important matters, but my partner will not come back to talking about these issues at another time?” When this happens, we have come to believe that unless you are in a relationship that is physically dangerous, you are probably better off pursuing the issue assertively—yet without hostility. In fact, a couple of studies hint that some marriages do better in the future when women are more negative in the present. This may sound inconsistent with some of the other things we’ve said, but in one way it makes perfect sense. Many of us in the field believe that such findings suggest it’s generally better for women to raise issues, even if it means more conflict in the short run, if not doing so means important issues are going to be ignored.
It truly is important for each of you to raise concerns that you have in your relationship. Yet we hope you are learning (or have learned already) constructive ways to do so. Constructive does not mean peace at any price. It’s better to deal with matters head-on than not at all. If you are prone to withdrawing, even using Time Out to avoid issues, fight that tendency within yourself. Don’t put your partner into the bind of having to decide whether to pursue you or not. In the long run, that’ll be far harder on both of you than facing issues as a team in the here and now.
Now we’ll give two examples of the use of this ground rule by couples who have come to our PREP-based couples retreats. Luke and Tara have been married for twenty years and have two teenage sons. Before learning these techniques, they would have frequent, intense arguments that ended with shouting and threats about the future of the relationship. Both came from homes where open, intense conflict was relatively common, so changing their pattern was not easy for them. As you will see, they still escalate rather easily, but now they know how to stop it when the argument gets going:
TARA: (annoyed and showing it) You forgot to get the trash out in time for the garbage man. The cans are already full.
LUKE: (also annoyed, looking up from the paper) It’s no big deal. I’ll just stuff it all down more.
TARA: Yeah, right. The trash will be overflowing in the garage by next week.
LUKE: (irritated) What do you want me to do now? I forgot. Just leave it.
TARA: (very angry now, voice raised) You aren’t getting a lot of the things done around here that you are supposed to.
LUKE: Let’s Pause, OK? This isn’t getting us anywhere.
TARA: OK. When can we sit down and talk more about it? After Home Improvement tonight?
LUKE: OK. As soon as the show is over.
There is nothing magic here. It’s really very simple, but the effect is potentially powerful for your relationship. This couple took a Time Out by calling “Pause,” and that stopped an argument that was only going to damage them. Later they did sit down and talk, using the Speaker Listener Technique, about Tara’s concern that Luke was not meeting his responsibilities at home. Then, using the problem-solving techniques we presented in Chapter Seven, they were able to come up with some possible ways for the chores to get done.
In the next example, another couple used this ground rule to save an important evening from potential disaster. Jake and Alexandra had been married for six years and had no children. They wanted kids but were having trouble getting pregnant. This added plenty of strain to their marriage. They had decided to take a weekend trip to the mountains, to get away and spend a relaxing—perhaps romantic—couple of days together. They had both been looking forward to this time together for months. They had this conversation on their first evening, as they got into bed together:
ALEXANDRA: (feeling romantic and snuggling up to Jake) It’s so nice to get away. No distractions. This feels good.
JAKE: (likewise inclined, and beginning to caress her) Yeah, we should’ve done this months ago. Maybe a relaxed setting can help you get pregnant.
ALEXANDRA: (bristling at the thought) “Help me get pregnant”? That sounds like you think it’s my fault we’re not getting pregnant. Why did you have to bring that up?
JAKE: (anxious and annoyed at himself for spoiling the moment) I don’t think it’s your fault. We have been through that. I just meant . . .
ALEXANDRA: (angry) You just meant to say that there is something wrong with me.
JAKE: Hold on. Pause. I’m sorry that I mentioned pregnancy. Do you want to talk this through now, or set a time for later?
ALEXANDRA: (softening) If we don’t talk about it a little bit, I think the rest of the evening will be a drag.
JAKE: OK, you have the floor. (He picks up the remote control on the nightstand and hands it to her.)
ALEXANDRA (SPEAKER): I got all tense when you brought up pregnancy, and I felt like you were blaming me for our infertility.
JAKE (LISTENER): So mentioning that subject raised unpleasant feelings, and more so because you felt blamed.
ALEXANDRA (SPEAKER): Yes. That whole thing has been just awful for us, and I was hoping to get away from it for the weekend.
JAKE (LISTENER): It’s been really hard on you, and you wanted to just forget about it this weekend.
ALEXANDRA (SPEAKER): And I wanted us to focus on rediscovering how to be a little bit romantic, like it used to be.
JAKE (LISTENER): Just you and me making love without a care.
ALEXANDRA (SPEAKER): (feeling really listened to and cared for) Yes. Your turn. (She hands Jake the floor.)
JAKE (SPEAKER): Boy, do I feel like a jerk. I didn’t mean to mess up the moment, though I see how what I said affected you.
ALEXANDRA (LISTENER): You feel bad that you said anything. You did not mean to screw things up between us tonight.
JAKE (SPEAKER): You got it. And I really don’t think it’s your fault we aren’t pregnant. Whatever isn’t working right in our bodies, I don’t think of it as you or me screwing up. When I said what I said about you getting pregnant, I think of us getting pregnant, but really, it’s you that will actually be pregnant. That’s all I meant.
ALEXANDRA (LISTENER): (with a smile) You didn’t mean to be a jerk.
JAKE (SPEAKER): (chuckling back) That’s kind of blunt, but yeah, that’s what I’m saying. I think we should just avoid that whole topic for the weekend.
ALEXANDRA (LISTENER): You think we should make infertility an off-limits topic this weekend.
JAKE: Yes! (He hands her the floor.)
ALEXANDRA (SPEAKER): I agree. OK, where were we? (tossing the remote on the floor)
JAKE: (big smile) You were calling me a jerk.
ALEXANDRA: (playfully) Oh yeah. Come over here, jerk.
JAKE: (moving closer to kiss her) I’m all yours.
Notice how effectively they used the Pause to stop what could have turned into an awful fight. Alexandra was too hurt to just shelve the issue. She needed to talk right then, and Jake agreed. Doing so helped them diffuse the tension and come back together, and it saved their special weekend. This is a great example of what we meant in Chapter Six about not letting events drag you into arguments about issues.
The single most powerful tool I know is intention. . . . With intention, I surrender to a heartfelt and consciously chosen, positive pattern.
—CHARLIE VERGE
Most of what we’ve been suggesting is that you work together to manage negative emotions and disagreements well. How well you can do this depends in large measure on your ability to manage your own emotions when things are going downhill. There are two keys to self-regulation: watching how you think and knowing what you can do to relax your body.
Imagine this. Your partner has just said something that you find incredibly hurtful. Whether or not he or she meant to is one thing. How you choose to think about it is everything. Most of us react more to our interpretation of what was said than to what our partner meant and actually did say. What we have been calling negative interpretations, researchers might call maladaptive attributions. That’s a technical way to say that some people tend to make consistent, negative judgments of their partner’s motives.
Research, such as that by Frank Fincham at Florida State University and Tom Bradbury at UCLA, confirms something potent here: the judgments you tend to make about why your mate said or did something carry a lot of weight in how you will talk to one another. Some studies show this effect of thoughts on communication to be strongest for women in unhappy marriages. Of course all kinds of other men and women can do this, too.
Take Dee and Martin. They have not been doing so well lately. Married for seven years, they are entering a period when all the pressures of life are making it hard to remember why they fell in love nine years ago. It’s Tuesday night, and Dee has just come home from work. Martin was there already. Their boys, Georgie and Frankie, had been told by Martin that they could play Wii until dinnertime. Enter Dee.
DEE: (not sounding particularly upset yet) We’d agreed that the boys needed to clean up their rooms before they could play Wii or Xbox games.
MARTIN: (remembering that he’d not remembered this, but also feeling pretty tired from work) Oh yeah. I forgot.
DEE: (She hears what she interprets as indifference and invalidation—but what was really simple tiredness—and now feels insulted.) I guess you think I’m just making up rules for the sake of hearing myself think out loud, eh?
MARTIN: (Dee isn’t really looking for a response to this charge, but because she’s made her negative interpretation overt, Martin responds with his defense.) You are so darned sensitive. I just forgot we said that this morning. I didn’t mean anything by forgetting.
DEE: (Here she goes, moving this event into a full-blown issue.) You forget a lot, you know. I think that’s your way of undermining my authority. (neatly expressing another negative interpretation)
Let’s give Martin and Dee a big benefit of the doubt here. Let’s say they are able to put the brakes on this escalation before any more damage is done in this moment of time. Martin suggested a Time Out, which sounded very good to Dee. Which pair of thoughts shown here gives them the best chance of getting back on track?
MARTIN: She’s always dissing me in front of the boys. She must think I’m an idiot.
DEE: What a jerk. He must have the most pathetic memory on the planet—or else he does this just to frustrate me. Arrgggghhh!
MARTIN: I bet she’s had a pretty tough day. Maybe I can give her some space, then look for a way to tell her I do care about what we agree to do with the boys.
DEE: Maybe that comment about always forgetting things was a little out there. That’s not very fair of me. I forget some things, too.
In their book We Can Work It Out, Clifford Notarius and Howard (coauthor) labeled the kind of thoughts in the first pair hot thoughts. You want to stay angry? They’ll do the job. As Fincham and Bradbury suggest, you’ll carry these thoughts and angry feelings right back into your relationship if you don’t interrupt them. You have little or no chance of handling these times of escalation well if you choose to think in these ways. It’s not easy to stop, though, because doing so requires you to do something difficult: put aside righteous indignation and have the humility to give the other the benefit of the doubt. Your call. Your choice. Your relationship.
Many experts have been making the case that part of what is important in handling conflict well is controlling the bodily reactions that come along with it. Once you are upset, it’s not just your thoughts you are trying to get hold of—it’s your body, too. Research by John Gottman has found that when upset couples simply read magazines for twenty minutes or so before continuing to talk, it’s far more likely that the rest of the talk will go better. To use this approach in your relationship, you need to think ahead of time about the kinds of things that you can do to help you relax. These may be very different for each of you. Here are some ideas:
If you are a couple that is particularly prone to volatile, escalating arguments, you’ll find that you have to be that much more specific with one another about how you take Time Outs and what you will do during them. Remember, it’s especially important that you work on calming both your thoughts and your body.
Ground Rule 2: When we are having trouble communicating, we will “engage” the Speaker Listener Technique.
We can’t say it enough: it is extremely important for every couple to have at least one good way to talk when it’s hardest to do so. With this ground rule, you are agreeing to use more structure when you need it. The earlier example with Jake and Alexandra highlights this point. However, there are many times when you may not need a Time Out but do need to make the transition to a more effective way to talk. Remember, talking without fighting is key.
For example, suppose that you wanted to talk about a problem such as how money is being spent. You know from your history that these talks usually get difficult. You would be wise to follow this ground rule, raising the issue in this way: “Dear, I’m pretty concerned about money right now. Let’s sit down and talk using the floor.” Such a statement cues your partner that you are raising an important issue and that you want to talk it out carefully. This is the most common use of this ground rule.
There are other times when things have already escalated, and a Time Out might have helped, but you skip right to using the Speaker Listener Technique. The point of this ground rule is that the two of you have made a decision to handle difficult or sensitive topics more effectively and with increased structure, rather than to use old, destructive modes of communication.
Ground Rule 3: We will completely separate Problem Discussion from Problem Solution.
Too often, couples rush to agree to some solution, and the solution fails. It makes no sense to hurry when doing so only moves you backward. Review the conversation between Tessie and Peter about Jeremy and preschool in Chapter Five. Notice how they had a great discussion but did not seek a specific solution. They each expressed their concerns and were ready to try problem solving on this issue. Let’s pick it up from where we left off:
TESSIE: I think we’re ready for problem solving; what do you think?
PETER: I agree. I’m feeling like we had a good talk and got a lot out on the table. Now working on some solutions would be great.
With these simple comments, they have made the transition from Problem Discussion to Problem Solution. They have learned the value of separating the two, and they are using terms both of them understand to cue each other to shift gears. Discussion and solution are different processes: whenever you start to solve an issue, stop and ask yourself, “Do I really understand my partner’s perspective? Do I feel understood?” If either answer is no, you are probably not ready to move to solutions. This ground rule is a simple reminder of the need to talk first, solve second.
Ground Rule 4: We can bring up issues at any time, but the Listener can say, “This is not a good time.” If the Listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future.
This ground rule accomplishes one very important thing: it ensures that you will not have an important or difficult talk about an issue unless you both agree that the time is right. How often do you begin talking about a key issue in your relationship when your partner is just not ready for it? Most couples talk about their most important issues at the worst times—dinnertime, bedtime, when it’s time to get the kids off for school, as soon as you walk in the door after work, when one of you is preoccupied with an important project or task—you get the picture. These are times when your spouse may be a captive audience, but you certainly don’t have his or her attention. Because these tend to be stressful times in the routine of life, they aren’t good times to talk things out.
This ground rule assumes two things: (1) you each are responsible for knowing when you are capable of discussing something with appropriate attention to what your partner has to say, and (2) you can each respect the other when he or she says, “I can’t deal with this right now.”
You may ask, “Isn’t this just a prescription for avoidance?” That’s where the second part of the ground rule comes in. The partner who doesn’t want to talk takes responsibility for making the discussion (conflict talk) happen in the near future. This is critical. Your partner will have a much easier time putting off the conversation if he or she has confidence that you really will follow through. We recommend that when you use this ground rule, you agree that you’ll set up a better time within twenty-four to forty-eight hours. This may not always be practical, but it works as a good rule of thumb. Here’s one example.
Martina and Nick are a couple with two children, a five-year-old girl and a two-year-old boy. As is typical of many couples with young children, they have little time for talking things out in their marriage, much less sleeping. As a result, they often are alone only at bedtime, after both kids are finally bathed and asleep.
NICK: I can’t believe how Mary wants to hear the same story ten times in a row. I thought she’d never get to sleep.
MARTINA: It’s the same with naps. You’d think she would be bored to death with those stories.
NICK: I would. Speaking of boring things, we need to talk about those life insurance decisions. I know that agent will call back any day.
MARTINA: I know it’s important, but I just can’t focus right now. I think I could focus for about ten minutes on Jay Leno, and that’s about it.
NICK: Pretty wiped, eh? Me, too. Well, what would be a good time to talk about this?
MARTINA: No guarantee I will be alive, but I think I might have the energy around lunchtime tomorrow. Could you come home? Maybe we’ll get lucky and catch Matt on his nap.
NICK: Sounds good. Let’s watch Jay and crash.
It is now Martina’s responsibility to bring it up again tomorrow and make this talk happen. Because their agreement is rather specific, Nick should be able to show up at lunchtime for their talk. They may be too tired and busy for there ever to be a “perfect” time to talk this subject out, but there are some times that are better than others.
You may want to come to an agreement that certain times are never good for bringing up important things. For example, we have worked with many couples who have agreed that neither will bring up anything significant within thirty minutes of bedtime. These couples decided that at bedtime they are just too tired and it’s important to be winding down.
This ground rule respects the need to talk about issues as well as the need not to talk, and provides a balanced compromise for you to follow as you move toward feeling safer in your relationship.
Ground Rule 5: We will have weekly couple meetings.
Most couples do not set aside a regular time for dealing with key issues or problems. It’s hard to get most of us to do this because of the fast-paced lives so many of us live. Nevertheless, the advantages of having a weekly meeting time far outweigh any negatives. First, this is a tangible way to place high priority on your marriage by carving out time for its upkeep. We know you are busy, but if you decide that this is important, you can find the time to make it work.
Second, following this ground rule ensures that even if there is no other good time to deal with issues, you at least have this one regular time. You might be surprised at how much you can get done in thirty minutes or so of concentrated attention on an issue. During this meeting, you can talk about the relationship, talk about specific problems, or plan for what’s coming up.
A third advantage of this ground rule is that having a weekly meeting time takes much of the day-to-day pressure off your relationship. This is especially true if you are snared in the pursuer-withdrawer trap. If something happens that brings up a gripe for you, it’s much easier to delay bringing it up until another time if you know there will be another time. Pursuers can relax. You’ll have your chance to raise your issue. Withdrawers can relax during the week, knowing that events will not trigger issues. We also find that withdrawers, who of course have things they want to talk about too, may actually start looking forward to meetings, because such meetings are a safe place to talk without fighting.
You can think of the meeting as a time during which you select an issue to talk about, to engage in what we have previously called conflict talk. If you haven’t made this deliberate selection, your communication—like a computer’s settings—should have a default mode, which is friendship talk or casual talk.
How many of our successful couples actually have meetings? We think it varies over time. Knowing they can have a meeting and talk well gives many couples the confidence that allows them to handle conflict talk. Many couples love the idea, have meetings religiously for a while, and then taper off. Things go well for a while because of their increased confidence and skills. With luck, they will realize they need the meetings to help contain and control conflict, and start them up again. Other couples are really dedicated and maintain meetings on an ongoing basis, but perhaps only a couple of times a month instead of weekly. Just as with all the other skills we have offered, be flexible and customize the ground rule to fit your needs.
You may find it tempting to skip the meetings when you are getting along really well. Don’t succumb to this urge. For example, Roberto and Margaret had set aside Wednesday nights at nine o’clock as a time for their couple meeting. If they were getting along really well during the week and Wednesday night rolled around, each would begin to think, “We don’t need to meet tonight. No use stirring things up when we are getting along so well.” Then one or the other would say, “Hey, Honey, let’s just skip the meeting tonight, things are going so well.”
What Roberto and Margaret came to realize is that things were going so well partly because they were regularly having their meetings. After they canceled a few, they noticed that more conflicts would come up during the week. They had given up their time to deal with issues and reverted to the uncertainty of dealing with things “if and when.” They decided that “if and when” was not placing the proper importance on their marriage, and they got back to the meetings.
Ground Rule 6: We will make time for the great things: fun, friendship, support, and sensuality. We will agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.
Just as it’s important to have time set aside to deal with issues in your relationship, it’s critical that you protect positive times from conflicts over issues. You can’t be focusing on issues all the time and have a really great marriage. You need some time when you are together relaxing—having fun, talking as friends, making love, and so forth—when conflict and problems are off-limits. This is such a key point that later in the book we’ll devote whole chapters to these important ways to connect.
For now, we’ll emphasize two points embodied in this ground rule. First, make time for these great things. After all, they’re what brought you together in the first place. Second, if you’re spending time together in one of these ways, don’t bring up issues that you have to work on. And if an issue does come up, table it for later—when you have your couple meeting to deal with issues constructively.
The example of Alexandra and Jake presented earlier in this chapter makes this point well. They were out to have a relaxing and romantic weekend, and this wasn’t the time to focus on one of their key issues. Using Pause and the Speaker Listener Technique helped them get refocused on the real reason they had gotten away. It’s better still if you consciously decide to protect your relationship by agreeing in advance to keep such issues off-limits during positive times.
One of the most destructive things that can happen to a marriage is to have the growing sense that you are walking in a minefield. You know the feeling. You begin to wonder where the next explosion will come from, and you don’t feel in control of where you’re going. You no longer feel free to just be with your partner. You don’t know when you are about to “step in it,” but you know right away when you have. Your marriage just doesn’t have to be this way, or ever get to be this way in the first place. These ground rules will go a long way to getting you back on safe ground. They work. You can do it.
EXERCISE