16
Sticking, Stuck, or Stopped
On the Path to Commitment
A simple question says it all: Are you sticking together, or do you just feel stuck? In the book The Power of Commitment (by coauthor Scott), these words are used to describe two paths on which couples find themselves in life. What path do you want to be on together? Because you are reading this book, we assume you want to stick, which means to really thrive in your journey through life together. We also know that many of you feel something closer to stuck than to sticking. Many of you are in danger of stopping altogether—getting a divorce and moving on.
If you have built and maintained a strong bond together, we want to help you really stick. We want to help you prevent the kinds of declines in marital happiness that so many couples needlessly suffer. Many of the mistakes couples commonly make stem directly from the partners’ failure to be mindful of their commitment every day; a marriage can’t thrive if the partners see commitment just as something they promised on their wedding day.
For those of you who relate more to being stuck, we want to help you get sticky again—even if you’ve become very discouraged. There is great power in the combined will of your two hearts to turn things around.
Most married couples consider commitment the glue that holds their relationship together. The kind and depth of your commitment have a lot to do with not only your chances of staying together but also your chances of being happy over many years together. In this chapter, we present a theory and research about commitment that lead to very practical advice for building, protecting, and healing your relationship.
We end this updated version of our book just as we end our PREP-based couples retreats, with commitment. We have saved what is probably most important for last. We want to share this cutting-edge work and inspire you as you move forward to enjoy the magical, mysterious journey your relationship can be. At our workshops, Howard gets the ball rolling by saying, “We have a guest speaker: one of the world’s leading experts on commitment.” The band strikes up a drum roll, and Dr. Commitment, our own Scott Stanley, appears. (OK, there’s no drum roll.) Scott says, “Thank you, Dr. Prevention.” (We give Howard that honorary title for his three decades of work on prevention of marital distress and divorce.) Dr. Commitment takes the floor.
I also know love, if it is to flourish, to be a process of commitment—commitment to the work of relationship, a conscious investment in continually practicing the work of relationship. . . . We have to practice balancing, especially the “I” and various “we’s.” Commitment to the work of love is the earth of relationship—the solidity, the plowing.
—DEE WATTS-JONES
Commitment means many things to many people. Stop and think a few moments about what it means to you. In fact, take a piece of paper and jot down the words that come to your mind. Then, as you read the rest of this chapter, see how those ideas are reflected in some of the major themes we raise here.
In recent years, there has been an explosion of theory and research on commitment. This body of work has deepened our understanding of the themes of commitment, which in turn has led us to some very specific suggestions for you about how you can enhance your relationship for the long term. To better understand commitment, we will first describe two couples in some detail. In both marriages there is commitment, but the types of commitment are very different. One couple is sticking. The other is stuck and in danger of stopping.
Rod and Mary married thirteen years ago. They have a four-year-old son and a seven-year-old daughter. Rod manages the meat section in a large grocery store, and Mary is a secretary in a doctor’s office. Like most couples, Rod and Mary started out very much in love but have gone through some tough times. Raising two kids has proven more stressful than either expected. Combined with the hassle of major job changes for both, child rearing has left Rod and Mary feeling tired and distant.
Mary has considered divorce on more than a few occasions, and increasingly finds herself thinking about leaving Rod. Rod also feels unhappy with the marriage, but, like many men, he hasn’t considered divorce as much of an option. He also hasn’t thought of any ways to improve the marriage. He hopes for more, but hasn’t told Mary this, and thinks trying to get closer just doesn’t work. When he does try to do something positive, he feels shut out by Mary. He has become anxious about the thought of her leaving, but he senses that any energy put into the marriage at this point is wasted effort.
“Maybe things will get better when the kids leave home,” he thinks. “I’ve just got to stick with it and hope for the best.” We’d call this attitude being stuck.
Mary and Rod work around others they find attractive. Larry is a single, good-looking man at Mary’s work who has made it clear he’s interested in Mary. She has been seriously contemplating an affair and finds herself thinking more and more about it.
Mary is very aware of changes she’s gone through over the years, and increasingly thinks that Rod will never be the kind of partner that she hoped for. Furthermore, she feels she is putting a lot more into the marriage than Rod is, with little in return for her time and effort. She resents that he doesn’t seem to appreciate and accept all she’s done for him. Like Rod, she is thinking it’s just not worth the effort to try harder.
As Mary thinks about leaving Rod, difficult questions plague her. First, she wonders how the kids would respond to divorce. Would it hurt them? Would Rod want custody? Would it be hard to get a divorce? Would Rod try to stop her? How could they afford lawyers? She wonders how she could support herself on her income alone. Who would get the house? Could either afford to keep the house separate from the other? Would Rod pay child support? If she married again, would another man accept her children?
As Mary considers these questions, she decides that maybe the costs of getting a divorce are greater than she wants to bear, at least for now. Sure, she’s in pain, but she balances this against the pain and stress a divorce could bring. A feeling of despair hangs over her. Feeling trapped, she decides that staying is better than leaving, but staying stuck isn’t a great choice.
Deidre and Eric were married fifteen years ago. They have three children, a seven-year-old boy, an eleven-year-old boy, and a thirteen-year-old girl. Although they’ve had their stressful times, both Deidre and Eric have few regrets about marrying one another. They met when both were working for a large insurance company. He was working in sales, and she had worked her way up to being manager of the claims department.
Their kids present some real challenges. The middle boy has a serious learning disability and requires attention and support. Their oldest daughter is beginning to show more signs of rebellion than they had ever imagined, and this too causes concern. Despite these challenges, Deidre and Eric usually feel the other’s support in facing the tasks of life.
Eric does occasionally become aware of his attraction to women he meets in his work and of women being attracted to him. However, in his commitment to Deidre, he’s decided not to dwell on “what if,” or act in ways that may jeopardize his marriage. He is happy with Deidre and doesn’t want to consider being with anyone else. Everyone has regrets at times in marriage, but for Deidre and Eric these times are few. They genuinely respect and like each other, do things for each other, and talk fairly openly about what they want out of life and marriage. Very important, Deidre and Eric have regularly made time for their relationship—to play together, to talk as good friends, and to keep their passion alive. Further, because of religious convictions, each resists thinking about divorce, even when they’re not getting along so well. Each is willing to help the other attain what he or she desires in life. Simply put, they feel like a team. They stick—together.
As you can see, the Andersons and the Sempletons have very different marriages. The Andersons are miserable, and the Sempletons are enjoying life. Both marriages are likely to continue for the time being—reflecting some kind of commitment. It’s not just the level of happiness that separates these two marriages. The Sempletons have a much different, deeper kind of commitment. To understand the difference, we need a broad model of commitment.
There are two common ways to think about commitment. The commitment of personal dedication refers to the desire to maintain or improve the quality of the relationship for the mutual benefit of both partners. Personal dedication is characterized by a desire (and actions) not only to continue in the relationship but also to improve it; sacrifice for it; invest in it; link it to personal goals; and seek the partner’s welfare, not just one’s own.
In contrast, constraint commitment refers to forces that keep individuals in relationships whether or not they’re dedicated. As we discuss in the box “The Binds That Tie,” constraint commitment may arise from either external or internal pressures. Constraints help keep couples together by making ending the relationship more costly—economically, socially, personally, or psychologically. If dedication is low, constraints can keep people in relationships they might otherwise want to leave.
Rod and Mary have a commitment characterized by constraint. Mary in particular is feeling a great deal of constraint and little dedication—the essence of feeling stuck. She feels compelled to stay in a dissatisfying marriage for a host of reasons: their kids, money, family pressure, and so on. Rod also has high constraint commitment and little dedication, though he’s less dissatisfied with their day-to-day life.
Like Rod and Mary, Deidre and Eric have a good deal of constraint commitment, but they also have a strong sense of dedication to each other. Our research at the University of Denver shows that constraints are a normal part of marriage. Any marriage will generate a significant amount of constraint over time. It’s normal. Happier, more dedicated couples are just as likely to have considerable constraints as less satisfied, less dedicated couples at similar points in life. In fact, today’s dedication becomes tomorrow’s constraint. You fall in love, so you get engaged. You stay in love, so you get married. You’re still together, so you have kids and buy a house. Dedicated couples choose to have more constraints as they move through the stages of marital and family life together. Happier couples just don’t think a lot about constraints, and when they do, they often draw comfort from them. When you are sticking, you don’t feel stuck; you feel as though you are sailing along on the seas of love.
How can you be sure that a prospective partner won’t leave the minute it is rational to do so—say, when a newly single Tom Cruise or Cindy Crawford moves in next door? . . . [D]on’t accept a partner who wanted you for rational reasons to begin with; look for a partner who is committed to staying with you because you are you.
—STEVEN PINKER
Partners become more dedicated because they like being with one another. Think about the earlier days of your relationship. As your dedication to one another became more apparent, you may have noticed that you became more relaxed about the relationship. In most relationships, there’s an awkward period during which the desire to be together—and your attachment—is great, but the commitment is unclear. That produces anxiety about whether or not you’ll stay together. As your mutual dedication became clearer, it seemed safer to invest in the relationship. This increase in dedication is important for all couples, but especially important for couples in which one or both partners have a tendency (for whatever reasons in their past) to be insecure about their key attachments in life.
In relationships, almost all forms of commitment can be understood as symbols of security. It is only with a deep sense of security that two people can fully experience the wonder, magic, and mystery of a great relationship.
How does commitment erode? If most couples have high levels of dedication early on, such as when engaged or early in marriage, what happens to kill dedication for some couples over time? For one thing, if a couple isn’t handling conflict well, satisfaction with the marriage will steadily decline. Because satisfaction fuels dedication, dedication begins to erode along with satisfaction. With dedication in jeopardy, giving to one another erodes further, and satisfaction takes a bigger dive. It’s a downward spiral from there. Both partners try less, both see their partner trying less, and soon their relationship is dying.
For some couples, their constraints end up being primarily related to the presence of their children, and when their children leave home, most of the glue holding these couples together crumbles away. Even if such a couple does not break up, the erosion of commitment can lead to insecurity about the future that makes it far harder to work to make the marriage all it can be. Dedication erodes further when people feel their efforts no longer make a difference.
The secret to satisfying commitment is to maintain not just constraint but also a high level of dedication. Although constraint commitment can add a positive, stabilizing dimension to your marriage, it can’t give you a great relationship. It can, however, keep you from doing immensely impulsive, stupid things when you are unhappy in the short run. Are you just existing in your relationship, or are you making it what you hoped it would be? Our research shows that dedicated couples report not only more satisfaction with their relationships but also less conflict about the problems they have and greater levels of self-disclosure.
We want to reveal to you four key dynamics underlying dedication in strong relationships: choices, couple identity, sacrifice, and the long-term view. All four dynamics point to things you have some control over and therefore are all related to strategies for having a great relationship.
Many aspects of commitment relate to the choices you make and how you handle the alternatives you did not choose. In essence, commitment involves making the choice to give up other choices. Any commitment you make in life requires that you choose among alternatives. Some of these decisions involve setting priorities and others involve how you handle it if you are attracted to others.
When people need to make decisions involving competing time and resources, those who are more dedicated to their partners are more likely to make decisions that protect the relationship. For example, early on in the relationship, most people will move mountains to spend time with their partner. But as the cares and hassles of life take over, too many of us allow our relationship to take a backseat. A great relationship is a front-seat deal (unless you are in the backseat together; see Chapter Twelve).
To some degree, problems with priorities can reflect as much a problem with overinvolvement elsewhere as one of a lack of dedication at home. Unfortunately, as people get busier and busier, too many end up doing what Scott, in his book The Power of Commitment, calls no-ing each other rather than knowing each other: “No, I don’t have time to talk tonight.” “No, I’m too tired to even think about making love tonight.” “No, I promised Fred I’d come over Saturday and help him put up that new fence.” To protect your relationship, you’ve got to be good at saying no to things that might seem important but aren’t and saying yes to your partner in ways that matter to him or her.
Just because two people make a choice to give up other choices, it does not mean that all others disappeared from the planet. In our research, we talk about alternative monitoring, which is a technical way of referring to how much you keep an eye out for other partners in life. The more you are attracted to or attuned to other potential partners, the less your personal dedication to your partner.
Do you find yourself frequently or seriously thinking about being with people other than your spouse? Our research shows that this aspect of dedication is the most sensitive to your current level of happiness. In other words, when unhappy with their partners, most people are pretty prone to thinking about the “what ifs.” What if I had married her instead? What if I were no longer married to him? You can “what if” yourself to a place of despair and resentment if you choose to do so. That’s a path with a pretty certain destination.
Research by Dennis Johnson and Caryl Rusbult at the University of North Carolina (the latter having done extensive research on commitment) suggests that highly dedicated people mentally devalue attractive potential partners. When tempted, do you dwell on the grass that seems greener, or do you figure that every lawn has problems, and focus on taking better care of your own? You can choose to attack such thoughts about others rather than allow them a comfortable home in your mind.
Eric Sempleton—the husband we discussed earlier whose marriage is really sticking—has been tempted a couple of times by people at work, especially a woman named Libby. Although aware of the mutual attraction, Eric considered it a threat to his marriage and made himself focus more on Libby’s negative side than on the positive. He chose to focus on why the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence. If you’re planning on keeping your marriage strong, keep watering and trimming your own lawn and don’t linger by the fence.
Couples vary in the degree to which the partners view the relationship as a team rather than as comprising two separate individuals who each mostly focus on self. In the happiest and strongest marriages, “we” transcends “me” in how the partners think. If a couple doesn’t have this sense of being a team, conflict is more likely, because the spouses see problems as “me against you” instead of “us against the problem.” Our research clearly shows that couples who are thriving in their marriages have a strong sense of “us.”
We aren’t suggesting that you should merge your identities. Rather, we’re suggesting that most couples do best with a clear sense of two individuals coming together to form a team—what a difference this makes in how you view life together! There’s an old joke about a wedding ceremony in which the minister gets to the point of saying “and the two shall become one,” and someone in the back row leans over to her friend and says, “I wonder which one?” That’s not the idea here.
One couple, Melissa and Will, had a pretty stable and harmonious life up until the time their youngest child left home to take a job in another state. As happens with many couples, some of the glue that had bound them together weakened with the departure of their children. They drifted for some time, experiencing increasing distance and conflict—developing lives that were largely independent from one another. One day, they started to turn it all around.
Consider the power of a talk like this, and the humility required of both partners. They were at the breakfast table together, reading the paper and having coffee.
WILL: (looking up from his paper) Can we talk a second?
MELISSA: (putting her paper aside) Sure, what’s up?
WILL: Well, something . . . um, something important.
MELISSA: (nodding and listening)
WILL: I’ve been thinking that we’re at a big point in life here. What we do in the next year might lay down the pattern for us for the next thirty years. I’m not sure I like the path we’re on, and I’ve been thinking that maybe we should really plan for the kind of relationship we want in the future. You know, to be very intentional about where we head now.
MELISSA: (barely suppressing a large smile) I love that idea. I’ve been wondering—actually worrying a bit, too—about where we’re headed. I’d like us to be really close and not just share a house in the years ahead.
WILL: Me too, but I’m thinking that if we’re not careful, we’ll only be roommates for the next thirty years. I want to be best friends and lovers.
MELISSA: What do you think we should do next?
WILL: How about we go away for a weekend? Maybe to that cabin. No TV, no distractions. Just us. We can talk and play and plan for our future. What do you think?
MELISSA: Sounds perfect. Let’s look at the calendar.
We hope you haven’t gotten bored by the repetition of this critical point, demonstrated in this dialogue between Melissa and Will: the strategies we suggest throughout this book are most powerful if you make the key decisions together. This is the essence of couple identity.
Many couples have nurtured and protected their couple identity from the start. If you have it, work at keeping it. But things always are changing, and you can take this opportunity to openly discuss and plan for how you want to express your “we” in the years ahead. If you’ve lost that couple feeling, work at getting it back. You can do it, if you want.
Here are a few ideas for preserving and deepening couple identity:
Our culture encourages devotion to self. Notions of sacrifice, teamwork, and the priority of one’s partner have not enjoyed much positive press lately. In fact, our society seems to glorify self and vilify whatever gets in the way. Selfishness may sell in our culture, but it doesn’t buy lifelong happy marriages. Selfishness seriously undercuts couple identity. We want to be clear, though: working on yourself, making improvements, and considering what you can do to make your relationship great are not examples of being selfish. These are acts of taking personal responsibility—one of the most powerful things you can do to be the best partner you can be.
Whereas selfishness fundamentally cuts across the grain of couple identity, positive attitudes about sacrifice—and sacrificial behavior—gird up a strong relationship over time. In fact, our research has shown that people who are happiest in marriage gain some sense of satisfaction from doing things that are largely or solely for their partner’s benefit. By this we aren’t recommending your being a martyr, but rather finding real joy in making a genuine choice to give of yourself for your partner. In the way the term is commonly used, a martyr does things for another not out of concern for what is best for that person but because the martyr wants to put the other in debt. This is not dedication.
The Andersons (the stuck couple) have stopped giving to each other. Rod doesn’t think he’ll get anything back if he gives more, and Mary already feels that she’s given more than her share for a lifetime. Neither feels like sacrificing anything at this point. They’ve lost the sense of “us” that promotes giving to one another without resentment. So neither is going to give much at this point, perhaps waiting for the other to do so. That could be a very long wait.
Relationships are generally stronger when both partners are willing to make sacrifices. In the absence of this willingness to sacrifice, what do you have? You have a relationship in which at least one of you is in it mostly for what you can get, with little focus on what you can give. That’s not a recipe for happiness or growth.
In a culture that reinforces self, it’s hard to ask, “What can I do to make this relationship better?” It’s a lot easier to ask, “What can my partner do to make me happier?” The key is to think about not only what you do for your partner but also why you do it. Do you do things with the attitude, “You’d better appreciate what I’m doing”? Do you often feel that your partner owes you? There’s nothing wrong with doing positive things and wanting to be appreciated. There is something wrong with believing you are owed. In couples who are doing wonderfully well, you’ll find two partners who give freely to one another and appreciate what the other gives. It’s a beautiful form of teamwork.
A colleague of ours at the University of Cincinnati, Sarah Whitton, has been studying sacrifice in relationships along with coauthors Scott and Howard. Among other things, they have found that a long-term view of the relationship was strongly related to males’ willingness to sacrifice for their female partners. This makes great sense. After all, in the absence of a shared sense of a future together, sacrificing for your partner will seem more like depositing money in a bank with a “Going out of Business” sign out front. If you’re thinking about the future, investing makes sense. Sacrificing is a kind of investing. When thinking only about the present, why bother to invest?
However, these researchers also found that females showed a much weaker relationship between long-term view and willingness to sacrifice for their partners. This research as well as a number of other studies in our lab highlight the particular importance of male dedication levels in the life and health of relationships. Without an otherwise strong commitment, males may be particularly likely to resent giving to females—or they just don’t do it. To be candid, we think that on average, women have historically given more in marriages than men. There are many exceptions, but we have come to believe that it is particularly important for males to demonstrate their dedication to their mates by giving freely of themselves in ways that are clear and consistent.
When females for years see little or no evidence of their partners’ dedication, they sometimes withdraw in a big way. This is very often a result of years of pursuing a withdrawing male. Males may often withdraw because of fear of fighting, but over the long term, women really start to see withdrawal as a lack of dedication and investment. Hence, the kind of withdrawal these women exhibit is very different from the pursuit-withdrawal pattern we’ve discussed. Instead, it’s based on exhaustion and demoralization about trying to connect. It often results in moving out, filing for separation, or seeking a divorce. Paradoxically, some long-term, hard-core withdrawing males begin to really pursue their wives when their wives have checked out. The men who really are committed begin to try to show it in many ways (including buying our books or calling us for therapy appointments or information about our couples retreats). These men can sometimes convince their wives that they really do want to fight for their marriage, and we have found that we can help those couples. For some men, however, the sad truth is that they’ve waited too long to find ways to show their love and dedication. Gentlemen, you don’t want to go there.
When people are more dedicated to their partners, they want and expect the relationship to last. They want to grow old together. This expectation for the relationship to continue over the long term is a core part of dedication and plays a critical role in the day-to-day quality of marriage. The long-term view is crucial for one simple reason: no relationship is consistently satisfying. What gets couples through tougher times is the long-term view that commitment brings. How? When you actively decide you will be together no matter what, you can safely deal with the curve balls life throws at you. The long-term view stretches out the time perspective for you, making it easier not to overreact to the small annoying events in life.
We’re not saying everybody should devote Herculean effort to save his or her marriage, no matter how abusive or destructive. However, for the great number of couples who genuinely love each other and want to make their marriages work, a long-term perspective is essential for encouraging each partner to take risks, disclose about himself or herself, and trust that the other will be there when it really counts. In the absence of a long-term view, people tend to focus on the immediate payoff. This is only natural. If the long term is uncertain, we concentrate on what we’re getting in the present.
What we have called the hidden issue of commitment (Chapter Six) is easily triggered when the future of the relationship is uncertain. When commitment is unclear, partners don’t feel accepted—a core issue for everyone—and instead feel pressured to perform. The message is, “You’d better produce, or I’ll look for someone who can.” Most of us resent feeling we could be abandoned by someone from whom we expect to find security and acceptance. People generally do not invest in a relationship with an uncertain future and reward.
Another colleague of ours, Fran Dickson at Chapman University, has studied lifelong married couples. Among many things, she found that the happier couples reported having talked regularly about their future over their years together. In a sense, what these couples describe is one of the ways they have nurtured a vision for their future together. (As we noted in Chapter Thirteen, these talks are also likely to lead to a shared worldview.) Such talking does not mean locking in all the details, but rather dreaming and reminding one another that the relationship has a future as well as a history. In the exercises at the end of this chapter, this is one of the powerful things we recommend the two of you try to do together. You can be creative about the ways you dream about the future. We’re convinced it’s a very good strategy for preserving a lasting love, together.
Our example of a highly dedicated couple, the Sempletons, do not have the perfect marriage (who does?), but they have a strong expectation of a future rooted in balanced commitment. They talk about plans for life together. For couples like them, the long-term view allows each partner to cut the other some slack, leading to greater acceptance of weaknesses and failings over time. Whereas the Andersons, the less dedicated couple, experience anxiety or resentment around the core issue of acceptance, the Sempletons feel the warmth of a secure commitment—each conveying the powerful message, “I’ll be here for you.” That’s the essence of what commitment is about: believing not only that you will be there for one another in the future but also that you can count on one another through the ups and downs of life.
Sometimes commitment becomes a weapon in a fight. When such a weapon is wielded, it’s like an atomic bomb that leaves devastation in its wake. Despite Rod and Mary Anderson’s low level of commitment, they aren’t going to get a divorce any time soon. Still, the topic comes up more and more often in bad arguments. Consider the following conversation and its effects on trust, power, and commitment:
ROD: Why does this house always look like a pigsty?
MARY: Because we have two big dogs, and I’m at work every day.
ROD: I end up having to clean up all the time, and I’m tired of it.
MARY: Oh, and like I don’t clean up all the time after the kids? When you’re here, you usually disappear into your shop. I’m the one cleaning up constantly—not you.
ROD: Yeah, yeah, I disappear all the time. You don’t even know what really happens in this marriage. I don’t even know why we stay together.
MARY: Me neither. Maybe you should move out.
ROD: Not a bad idea. I’ll think about it.
By the end of the fight, each was trying to convince the other that they weren’t committed. You can’t get much less dedicated than emphasizing the short-term view. If you’re trying to keep your marriage on track, don’t bring up the topic of divorce, period. Likewise, don’t threaten to have affairs. Such statements trash the long-term view. They erode trust and reinforce the perception that it’s risky to invest. Pushing yourself not to say such things when very frustrated is an act of dedication. Practice self-control.
This section is only for those of you who identify with being stuck more than with sticking. Because you are reading this book, we assume you want to make your marriage work. So, what can you do if you find yourself in a marriage characterized by constraint without dedication? How do you redevelop dedication when it’s gone?
First, recognize that this is a time to decide and not let things slide. Second, you need to believe that rebuilding is possible. Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, in their book The Case for Marriage, note that there are a great many couples who are unhappy at one point in their marriages but who stick it out and end up much happier five years later. Third, our suggestions are moot if your partner has made it very clear that he or she wants out, is planning to get out, and has told you not to bother him or her. The approach we outline here is a good one when you are both hurting and you both are willing to try to turn things around.
You must really want to do this, because it will take sustained work, and you will have to work against some tendencies that now exist in the relationship. That entails not only new behavior but also, most important, a willingness to see the new behavior in your spouse. If you each work to make changes to please the other and build your marriage, and neither of you sees the other’s efforts, you will be just as stuck. Just as we explained in our discussion of overcoming the danger sign of negative interpretations, you need to be willing to look for the things that are harder for you to see.
If you want to breathe life into your marriage, here is one approach you can try.
The ceremony on the wedding day is not as important for the long term as the daily evidences of dedication. You could think of these as small celebrations of your commitment in life together. Consciously consider and choose ways to demonstrate your dedication to one another through the priorities you live, the evidence you show of your identity as a couple, and your awareness of a future together. There’s no better time than now to do all you can to affirm your commitment to one another.
EXERCISES