“I thought you were just going for a couple of weeks, Mary Kate. I didn’t know you were moving there.”
Mary Kate held her breath and watched her mother instantly assess the contents of the cluttered room. She could practically see the wheels turning inside her head as she mentally sized up the challenge. In all of Mooresville, there was no better organizer than Mary Nell Sasser. Whether in her kitchen, her closets or her biology classroom, everything was sorted and in its place. Mary Kate had inherited the neatness part, but didn’t have her knack for making the most of space. Still, she could have managed packing on her own, but her mother’s other, more dubious skill was her refusal to take no for an answer. Ostensibly, she wanted to share some tricks for keeping things pressed and neat, but Mary Kate suspected another motive, most likely a last-ditch plea to get her either to change her mind about going, or to let Bobby come along.
She was tired of having to defend her decision to make this trip. But at least her mom’s insistence on coming over tonight gave her an excuse for not spending the evening with Bobby. If she had to argue with somebody, she preferred it not be him. As excited as she was about her trip, she looked forward to returning home and having the stress of the past six months behind her once and for all.
Everything she planned to take on the trip was sorted in her living room according to when she would need it, the cold weather items on the couch, lightweight clothes in two piles on the coffee table, and rain gear stacked in a chair. Anything that wasn’t clothing was piled on the dining table. Her backpack and two canvas bags, one of which was a yellow duffel provided by Summit Trail and Safari, sat empty in the middle of the floor.
“Believe me, there is nothing here I won’t need. Now all we have to do is figure out how to get it all in these bags.”
Her mother made a circle of the staging area. “These bags are plenty big for everything. We just have to arrange—”
“It’s trickier than that.” Mary Kate held up the Summit bag. “Everything on the couch, plus my sleeping bag and walking sticks, has to go in here.”
“All that? How come?”
“They have porters to carry our bags on the mountain, but this is the only one we can take. That’s why they gave it to us, so they’d all be the same size. Anything that can’t be crammed into this bag has to go in my backpack, which means I have to carry it. Believe me, I don’t want to carry more than I have to.”
“What is this?” Her mother picked up a balaclava. “You planning on robbing a bank?”
“That’s to cover my face when we go up to the summit. It’s supposed to get below zero.” Well below zero, she thought. She showed off her new gloves and liners, gaiters, long johns, fleece tights and pullovers, and windproof pants and jacket. “And we have to put everything inside these trash bags in case it rains on the trail.”
“Well, now that’s a good idea. If your bag gets wet, your clothes still stay dry.”
“And my sleeping bag.”
“When are you ever going to use this stuff again, Mary Kate?”
“I don’t know. I might leave some of it there...you know, give it to the porters. Tom says they don’t have much.”
“You bought all these things special for this trip and you’re just going to leave them there?”
“Maybe some of them. Like you said, I’ll probably never use them again.”
Her mother shook her head, which Mary Kate read as her way of saying she thought it was all ridiculous without actually having to speak the words. At least they weren’t arguing.
For the next hour, they folded and rolled, wrapped and tightened, and packed and repacked, until the Summit bag closed with ease. The other bag was mostly for the lightweight clothes she would wear on the safari and things she planned to carry in her backpack on the trail—her rain gear, extra shoes, energy bars and first-aid kit.
“The first thing you need will probably be in the bottom of the bag, Mary Kate. That’s the way it always is.”
“I know. But I shouldn’t have to open the yellow one until we get to camp on Monday.”
“How are we going to know where you are? Can you call us on your cell phone?”
“Tom says they won’t work in Africa. There aren’t enough towers to relay the signal. But there’s supposed to be a phone at the hotel where we’re staying. I can call you when we get back from the climb.”
“That’s one call I won’t want to miss.”
“You better not, because Tom says it costs twenty dollars for three minutes. I’d hate to get your answering machine.”
“Twenty dollars?” She said it as if she had been mortally wounded. “And you’ll need to call Bobby too. Why don’t you just call him and tell him to call us?”
“I guess I can do that. Will you call Deb then?” She wouldn’t ask Bobby to do that.
“Yeah, we’ll get a little chain going.” With the larger bags packed, they began to sort the things she would carry in her backpack on the plane. “Did you and Bobby get everything worked out?”
She hated talking about Bobby to anyone other than Deb, since everyone else seemed more concerned about his feelings than hers. Her mother wasn’t as bad as Carol Lee, but after the big blowup over telling Bobby he couldn’t come, she wasn’t sure whose side anyone was on anymore. “Yeah, he’s taking me tomorrow.”
“You still mad at him?”
“I’m not mad, Mom. I’m just frustrated. I told you, I don’t like him making me feel like I’m some sort of bimbo who can’t do anything by herself.”
“I don’t think he really feels like that, Mary Kate. I think he just feels bad for not saying he’d go with you to begin with. He’s trying to make up for it.”
“But he could have changed his mind six months ago when I booked the trip. Or even three months ago. Why did he have to wait until the last minute, and why did he have to make it some big gallant gesture about taking care of me?”
“You know how men are. Sometimes it just works best to let them think we can’t get on without them.”
Mary Kate thought that was bullshit, but she knew better than to use a word like that with her mother, even at twenty-four years old. “Seriously, can you see me doing that?”
“You got me there.” She laughed and fell back on the couch, a sure sign she was planning to stay and talk awhile. “Sometimes I can’t imagine you married at all, Mary Kate. You don’t like to be told what to do.”
“Who does?”
She shrugged. “Some people.”
Her sister Carol Lee would love it. “Shouldn’t marriage be a partnership?”
“It is. And if you get really good at it, you can get everything you want. You just have to train him to give it to you.”
“Obviously, I’m not any good at that.”
“I wouldn’t say that. You got Bobby to say he’d come with you, even though he didn’t really want to. It just took him too the bush next time.”
“I don’t want to have to play games like that. And I don’t want Bobby thinking he has to take care of me all the time. I can take care of myself.”
“I’m sure you can.” If there was such a thing as a matronizing look, her mother was giving it now. “But Bobby wants to feel like you need him for that. It’s a silly man thing, and he’s a little stubborn about it sometimes.”
That was the first time anybody in her family had ever said anything negative about Bobby. It took Mary Kate a few seconds for the shock to wear off.
“I don’t blame you for not wanting him to go, Mary Kate. But you’re going to have to smooth this over as soon as you get back if you want to have a future with him. You can’t keep him guessing about whether you’re going to run off and do something else next.”
“It’s not like I have a long list to check off. But this is important to me. I think it’ll be great to say I climbed the highest mountain on a whole continent.”
“I know. But mountain climbing isn’t on Bobby’s list. He’s ready to settle down and have a family.”
She could practically feel her nose sliding out of joint, which meant this conversation was at high risk of becoming just another stressful argument to pile on top of the others. “Can I ask a simple question? Why does it seem like my own family cares more about what Bobby wants than what I want?”
“Is that what it feels like?”
“Not really.” When it came to confrontations with her family, she was an avowed chickenshit. No wonder everyone thought they could lead her around by the nose. “I just wish somebody could see my side of this.”
“I can see your side, Mary Kate. But I’m still worried about you going off by yourself.”
“Then answer me this. Why does everybody think I’m so helpless?”
“Probably because the rest of us would be helpless if we were doing what you’re doing. I can tell by the way you’ve gotten yourself ready to go that you aren’t even a little bit afraid. You’re probably the only one of us who has courage like that.”
It was hard not to grin and blush at hearing praise like that from her mother. “I’m too excited to be afraid.”
“That’s all right, as long as you remember to be careful. I mean that. Watch where you step, keep an eye on the people around you, and don’t let your guard down. You have to come back here in one piece.”
“I promise to do that.”
“You’d better.” She folded her arms for emphasis and crossed her feet on the coffee table. “And then you’re going to have to deal with Bobby, whether you like it or not.”
“I know, Mom. I’m not going to keep putting it off. It’s like you said. I just don’t know if I want all the same things he wants. I definitely don’t want them right now.”
“Then you ought not rush into anything. Getting married isn’t something you do for everybody else. It has to be what you want.”
Mary Kate thought for an instant that she needed to clean out her ears. She couldn’t believe her mother was actually agreeing with her. “I sometimes feel like the second I take that ring, I’ll be following a script for the rest of my life. He knows he wants three kids. Dad’s already got our house planned for that lot on Grandpa’s land. What if I want to travel more and see things? The only way that’s ever going to happen is for Bobby to want it too, and I don’t think he ever will.”
“Getting married shouldn’t feel like you’re going off to the gallows.”
“I know. But it does, and that’s why I’m so scared to say yes.”
“Do you love Bobby?”
She waited too long to answer for anything else to sound convincing, so she admitted the truth. “I do, Mom. But I don’t feel like I always thought I would.”
“And how’s that?”
“Well…you see how Carol Lee is about Wayne.”
Her mother rolled her eyes, making Mary Kate feel ridiculous for using her sister as an example. Every boyfriend she had ever had was The Eternal One as far as Carol Lee was concerned.
“Your sister just wants to be married. I don’t think it matters to her if it’s Wayne or Corey or the mailman.”
“Bad example. But I was thinking the other day about my roommate Jessica. She was crazy about Chuck before they got married. All she could talk about was what their life was going to be like and how happy they’d be.”
“Isn’t that what Bobby does with you?”
“Yeah, but it’s not what I do with him. I wish I did. Then it would be easy.”
“The decision part’s supposed to be easy. You shouldn’t have to wring your hands about it.”
“That’s what I feel like I’m doing. I know he loves me, but I’m scared the rest of it will be too hard.” She had never talked to her mother like this before, and tears were stinging her eyes. “I don’t want to let everybody down.”
Her mother leaned forward and held out her hand, which Mary Kate took. “You don’t have to please anybody but yourself, honey. Not Bobby, not your dad, and not me. If this scares you too much, just take a big step back.”
“People are going to think I’m crazy, Mom.”
“You don’t have to care what people think. Nobody gets to make this decision but you. We’re going to love you no matter what you decide.”
This was a totally different conversation than the one she had dreaded, and she had to admit she felt better about everything— even Bobby—just knowing she had her mother’s support to break up with him if that’s what she needed to do. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m just upset with him right now. Things will probably be okay when I get back.”
“You know how I feel about Bobby. I think he’s a fine young man, and I’d be proud to have him for a son-in-law. But that won’t be worth a hill of beans to me or your dad if you’re not happy.”
“Thanks, Mom. I feel better just from talking about it.”
“You don’t talk to me like your sister does. You never have.”
Something told her that might start to change a little, especially since she now felt she had her mother squarely on her side.