Most people, layman and professional alike, believe that premarital counseling is a worthy concept. (The term premarital preparation and enrichment is a truer description of this process.) Traditionally, three main groups have provided most of the premarital counseling: ministers, physicians, and professional mental health workers.
The first mention of premarital counseling as a valued service occurred in a 1928 article in The American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Then and until the mid-1950s, most of the writing concerned physicians and the premarital physical exam. In the fifties, religious literature as well as mental health literature began to focus upon premarital counseling. Today many churches and public health agencies offer their services to young couples seeking permission to marry.
What does the pastor or other counselor hope to accomplish by spending several hours with a couple? There are numerous goals for Christian premarital counseling. In the following discussion, these goals are not listed in order of importance.
One of the goals of the counseling is to make arrangements for the procedural details of the wedding ceremony itself. The couple can express their desires, and the pastor can make suggestions and provide guidelines. Wedding invitations and ceremonies vary greatly today, and a pastor should be flexible in his approach to the ceremony. Christian couples are becoming more vocal and personal in expressing their faith in Jesus Christ through their invitations and ceremonies, thus allowing both to serve as vehicles for testimony as well as commitment and celebration.
Premarital counseling is a choice opportunity for the pastor or other counselor to build an in-depth relationship with the couple that could lead to a continuing ministry in the future. The rapport established now will make it easier to be involved in the excitement of the couple’s marriage in years ahead.
Correction of faulty information concerning marriage relationships, the communication process, finances, in-laws, sex, and so on, will be a regular part of the counseling for most couples. In fact, the pastor may be one of the few individuals involved in the life of the couple who can provide this corrective. Unfortunately, some pastors believe that, at this point, couples are not open to assistance and their minds are made up or romantically blinded.
To the contrary, if counseling is presented in the proper manner and the pastor is well prepared, couples will look forward to each session as a unique learning experience and value it highly. Many couples I have counseled think the premarital counseling material should be given to college students prior to mate selection and then again at premarital counseling.
Providing information is congruous with the process of correction. Probably more teaching occurs in this type of counseling than in any other. Part of this teaching involves helping the couple to understand themselves and what each one brings to the marriage, discover their strengths and weaknesses, and be realistic about the adjustments they must make to have a successful relationship.
Each person needs to come to a better understanding of who he or she is. Hopefully, through the various assignments, including books, tapes, and testing, each one will become more aware of his or her own thoughts, strengths, weaknesses, beliefs, values, feelings, and fantasies. This can contribute to a stronger identity.
The counselor wants to help each person develop a clearer and more realistic perception of who he or she is marrying. The partner is unique and has his or her own set of feelings, beliefs, fantasies, thinking processes, strengths, and weaknesses. If each one can grasp the fact that he or she is marrying a foreigner and will need to understand the other person’s culture and learn to speak his/her language, much will have been achieved.
This is a time to help couples determine if they have adequately separated from their parents and their past in a positive manner.
The counselor also helps the couple to assess their beliefs, values, behaviors, and patterns of relating to one another. You will be guiding the couple to make the assessment and at the same time drawing some conclusions yourself.
In order to accomplish these goals another foundational but strange goal is part of the process and it is this: to create a sense of unrest and questioning within each person. In other types of counseling, including marital and crisis, we often endeavor to have the person or couple leave the session with a sense of hope and resolution. Premarital is different. We don’t want them to be that comfortable. Why? So that learning, growth, and change can occur.
One of the ways to accomplish this is to create a series of miniature crises. When the couple experiences a crisis, they are thrown off balance. They essentially feel out of control. Things are not proceeding the way they anticipated, and they are looking for a resolution. Their typical way of solving problems may not be working, and their defenses may not be as strong. Thus they are open to considering something new in order to bring some harmony back into their lives. This needs to occur within the premarital counseling to help the couple confront the realities of married life. But how?
There are several ways to do this. One approach I strongly recommend is the use of gentle, but firm and persistent, questioning.
I would rather see a couple leave my office questioning and pondering unanswered questions than leaving always feeling settled. I have had couples return for their next session and state, “You know, we talked for five hours after our last session. We really had some serious questions about our relationship. We struggled.” And I usually respond with, “Good. That’s important and healthy. You’re probably a bit different this week than last because of that time.”
I keep asking the question, “But, what if …” and push and push. Sometimes they admit, “I guess I don’t know …” and I respond with “I guess you need to find out. How will you do that?” And they often leave the session with that question.
Sometimes I ask, “What is the worst type of behavior that your spouse could engage in that you wouldn’t want?” And when they reply I ask, “Let’s say that actually happened. How would you handle that? What effect would it have on your love for him?” We endeavor to take questions as far as we can in order to create somewhat of an unsettled state.
One of the other questions I pose is: “I don’t know of any couples who marry with the purpose of getting a divorce, abusing their spouse, having an affair, or having a marriage that is unhappy. But it sometimes happens. What will you do to make sure this does not occur in your marriage?”
“Well, we’re both Christians and with Christ in our lives, that will make the difference,” many couples respond. My reply is, “I see fifteen to twenty couples a week in here with the very problems I just mentioned, and they are all born-again Christians from the evangelical churches in our area. When they married they had the same response as you just gave. But these problems still happened. Why? Why will yours be different?” With each answer I keep pushing until they seem to have no other answers. This is often a good place to end the session by saying, “I guess that’s something for you to talk through this week and bring your conclusions for the next time. I’ll see you the same time next week.”
Here is a series of “what if …” questions you can give to the couple to complete and discuss during the week. Ask them to share the results of their discussion:
How would you react to the following circumstances? What if this happens to you after you are married?:
1. Your spouse has to work night shift instead of day shift.
2. You discover your spouse’s attraction to someone else.
3. You discover your spouse no longer has time for daily devotions.
4. A friend begins to indicate nonverbally he/she is interested/attracted to you or your spouse.
5. You cannot get along with your sister-in-law.
6. You have a definite communication problem with your mother-in-law.
7. You cannot become pregnant.
8. Your apartment is far too small, and you cannot afford a larger one.
9. Your spouse spends more money on himself/herself than on you.
10. You find yourself in major debt.
11. Your spouse loses his job.
12. Your sex life is less than exciting.
13. Communication is becoming increasingly difficult.
14. Discovering that your spouse cannot let go of (leave) his or her mother.
15. You find yourself living in the city rather than the country.
16. You find yourself attracted to another person.1
We also use questions to cause the couple to think and anticipate marital conflict and crisis. One question/scenario I use at the conclusion of the initial session helps them understand commitment. First I ask them their ages. Since many couples are young, I often hear one say, “I’m twenty-three, and Phyllis is twenty-two.” I ask them at this time to face each other and look at one another. I then say, “You’re both in your early twenties. If you live to the normal life span of individuals in our society, you’ll both live until sometime into your seventies. This means that you are about to commit yourself to that person across from you for the next fifty years. The next half-century. I’d just like you to think about that. I’ll see you next week.” And the session is over. Sometimes I will rise and walk toward the door or gather up my materials.
Many of the couples are strongly affected. I’ve often heard the comment, “I’d never thought about it in that way. A half a century sure puts it in a different perspective.”
Here is where the Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis can be very helpful. The test is taken twice by each person: once as they see themselves, and once as they see each other. Repeatedly I run into situations in which one person views himself a certain way and yet his partner sees him quite differently.
In one case a thirty-five-year-old man saw himself as being very expressive, a bit indifferent, and tolerant. But his fiance saw him as being nonexpressive, quite indifferent, and very hostile rather than tolerant. We took the individual questions in each of the categories and went through them one by one. She responded with her answer to each question and gave an explanation as to why she responded in that manner. With each response I could see him becoming more and more thoughtful and pensive until he finally asked, “If you actually see me this way, why would you want to marry me?” They both had unsettled feelings about getting married.
Each week we continued to pursue their differences and asked, “Can these be worked through enough so that you are comfortable enough to marry?” In a later session with the couple I began by asking each one, “On a scale of 0–10, how do you feel about getting married?” ‘0’ meant not at all and ‘10’ meant deeply and firmly committed. Her response was a 7 to 7 1/2, as was his. But she added that before they started their premarital counseling it was higher. We explored her feelings some more and then discovered that her feelings vacillated from a 2 to an 8. This led to the question, “And what does that tell you about whether you’re ready to marry or not?” This proved to be one of the deciding questions for this couple. My feeling is that it would take at least a constant and steady 8 for the commitment level to be high enough to make this important commitment.
A new but critical goal in premarital counseling involves the communication style. The counselor needs to be able to communicate with the people he/she is seeing and help them to learn to communicate with one another. One of my own personal goals in counseling during the initial session is to discover the person’s style of communication and communicate back to the person or couple in the same way. The principle is very simple. If I speak their language, we will understand one another and real listening will occur. And by doing this, I will have a platform for teaching a couple the importance of speaking one another’s language.
I try to discover whether the person is more visually, auditorially, or kinesthetically (feeling) oriented. I listen to the tone of voice, volume, and the phrases the person uses. I study the nonverbal communication. Some people are loud, expressive, and gesture a lot. Others are somewhat quiet, reserved, very proper, and choose their words carefully. Some are amplifiers and some condensers. I join their type of communication, which builds rapport, trust, and eventually a willingness on their part to listen to me and follow my guidance. (For additional information on this, see How to Speak Your Spouse’s Language by this author [Revell]).
As I work with couples, invariably I end up spending time teaching them the importance of speaking one another’s language and how to do it. They read how to do this as part of their homework, and in the session I assist them in applying the principles. As you work with premarital couples it is important that you read and become proficient in your own communication ability so that you are capable of teaching others.
This is also a time of prediction and recommendation. In the prediction process each couple must identify their weaknesses and potential problem areas in their marriage, evaluate what each has to offer to handle these trouble spots, and begin developing greater skills in these areas. The recommendation part of premarital counseling may be difficult for some. But couples do want our assessment and recommendation of their relationship and prognosis for their marriage. At times you will have a sense that a particular couple should not marry. This will be both an objective and a subjective value judgment on your part. How is it objective? Here are some guidelines:
1. A couple may not be motivated enough to complete the assignments.
2. There is indication of possible pathology in one or both of their Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis results.
3. One or both is unwilling to work on weaknesses indicated from the testing.
4. One or both has unresolved issues stemming from the past which are apparent and will damage their marriage.
5. One or both is unwilling to fully separate from their parents. The Family History Analysis will assist you in this area.
6. One of them is still involved in substance abuse and is unwilling to seek help. Their partner may be a “Rescuer” at this time, but it will probably not last.
7. The results of the PREPARE Test indicate an excessive number of conflicts which they are unable to resolve at this time.
The subjective element enters in also, as you will need to assimilate all of what you see and hear from the couple and then make your own value judgment. Sometimes you may be troubled because your intuition is saying something and yet you can’t come up with any specific facts. And if you are very analytical and tend to base decisions on facts, you may tend to discount that other voice you are hearing. Listen to it! Bring it out in the open. I have done this on occasion by saying, “I guess at this time I need to share something with you. For some reason which I can’t figure out, I am troubled in a way about your relationship. I don’t know why or what it is. I wonder if you could help me? Why might I be feeling uneasy?”
In many cases the couple felt the same way and needed permission to raise their own uncomfortable feelings. On a few occasions I have just said, “Based on our sessions together and what we have talked over, I am wondering how you are feeling about proceeding with your wedding?”
Some were surprised at my question while others have known what I was driving at. On three other occasions I have said, “I would like to recommend you not marry one another, and I would like to give you my reasons.” I proceeded to do just that and then asked, “How do you feel about what I have said?” Sometimes you will find resistance and upset and other times you will find that all three of you are feeling and thinking the same.
On one occasion after the third session I said to a couple who had been dating for five years, “I would like to suggest that we terminate the premarital counseling and that you not even consider marriage at this time. I think it would be much better for you to become involved in individual counseling to deal with other issues rather than consider marriage.” The couple looked at one another, and I heard sighs of relief. The man said, “Finally someone has given us permission not to marry. All of our friends and relatives have been pushing us to marry since we have gone together for so long.”
Of those I’ve worked with so far, most of the couples who made the decision to postpone or terminate the relationship did so on their own. It is vital that you be blatantly and lovingly honest in your appraisal and assessment of any couple. Your responses can serve as small loving shocks that carry the impact of a brief crisis shock.
One couple in their early thirties came to their last session. We had worked through some difficult issues, and at one point it appeared that the woman might call off the wedding. They were able to somewhat work through the issues, but I still felt unsettled. They would be carrying more potential adjustments into marriage than most.
In the last session I asked, “On a scale of 1–10, with 10 totally comfortable and satisfied and 1 being just the opposite, where are you in terms of your feelings about getting married next month?” He looked at her and then me and said, “Well, before our session today it was a high 9 but now it’s about an 8.” She responded, “It’s about a 7 or 8. I looked at them and said, “I guess my response would be a 5.” They both looked a bit startled and taken back. But it had its effect to encourage them to do some further work.
One of the main purposes is to help the couple eliminate as many surprises as possible from the impending marriage. By helping them become more realistic about the future, the counselor can lessen marital conflict. I tell the couple this is my goal in disclosing their fears and hopes—to reduce conflict in marriage. I also let them know that by doing this they will have a greater opportunity to build and enrich their marriage. Too many couples today are committing marital suicide because of lack of preparation.
The counselor must have expertise in many areas, because the couple is looking to him or her as the conveyor of helpful information. This is an opportunity to provide an atmosphere in which the couple can relieve themselves of fears and anxieties concerning marriage and settle questions or doubts that they have. This may also be a time in which strained and severed relationships with parents and in-laws will be restored.
Another goal is to help a couple plan for the continuing enhancement and enrichment of their marriage. This is accomplished by helping them develop a plan for enrichment and by anticipating the various stages of their marriage.
A very high ranking goal of premarital counseling is spiritual growth. This is a time for each person to evaluate his or her commitment to Jesus Christ individually and as a couple. One of the important questions to consider during this time is, “In what way will the presence of Jesus Christ make a difference in your marriage and how will this occur? In what way is He a part of your courtship relationship?”
And from there you will have the opportunity to assist them in establishing and developing the application of the Scriptures in their lives as well as a prayer life together.
The final purpose for counseling may seem foreign to some and yet could be one of the most important goals. This is a time to assist the couple in making their final decision, “Should we marry?” They may not come with that in mind, but engagement is not finality. Research indicates that between 35 and 45 percent of all engagements in this country are terminated. Many people do change their minds. Perhaps during the process of premarital counseling, some couples will decide to postpone their wedding or completely terminate their relationship. Furthermore, in some cases the pastor may decide that he cannot, in good conscience, perform the wedding because of the apparent mismatch or immaturity of the couple. Some couples will listen to his advice; others will simply go elsewhere and find someone who does not require so much and will perform the ceremony.
Couples will change their minds. One couple I counseled decided to cancel two weeks before the ceremony. Two couples had such poor relationships that I planned to tell them their marriages would be too much of a risk; before I did, they told me they had decided to break off their relationships.
If we accept these goals as the foundations for our premarital counseling, we must then deal with several important yet difficult issues. The first and possibly the most difficult is deciding whether we should marry a couple whom we believe is not ready for marriage. It is my deeply held conviction that a minister has the responsibility to withhold the decision to marry a couple until he is assured in his own mind that the marriage has a chance of making it. It is also essential that you make this clear to the couple when you begin counseling them.
If it should become necessary to delay a couple from marriage, the minister must be willing to continue working with the couple either directly or through referral until the couple is ready to be married or decides to postpone or cancel the marriage plans.
After discussing this issue with ministers across the United States and Canada, at the premarital seminars I conduct, I have found most to be in agreement. Being ordained to marry someone is not only a privilege, but a great responsibility Most of us would not question the criteria our churches have for accepting an individual into membership. In addition, we would not fail to deny a person membership if he failed to meet them. Yet, we question our authority and responsibility not to marry someone we believe is not ready for marriage.
If our practice becomes one of marrying anyone who comes to us to be married, then we really become no different from a justice of the peace or a marry-for-profit wedding chapel. It has not been uncommon to hear the argument some give that if they marry couples that are not ready, then they have a better chance of working with them and getting them involved in the church. The experience we have heard from most is that few couples stick around over the long run. This may be due to the instability and problems that were inherent in the relationship (impulsiveness, idealism, hostility, subjectivity, etc.).
Most experts in the field agree that premarital couples do not receive input or concern from family and friends when the relationship is questioned. Too often premarital couples are in an isolated environment and thus they do not receive sufficient information from people regarding themselves and their relationship. Friends or family members are often hesitant to speak to the couple for fear of meddling. And too often the couple is somewhat blinded or infatuated and cannot see reality Because of this deficit, it is even more essential that we counselors be willing to not only say what we see, but stand behind what we see with our behavior.
Fortunately, in most cases when there are major problems, couples see them early in the counseling process and choose to postpone the marriage or cut it off entirely. The exception to this brings up our second issue: the effects of beginning preparations for marriage before finishing the counseling. When a couple has been allowed to put their date on the church calendar, and plans begin to be made, finances deposited and invitations sent out, the wedding seemingly must happen. The potential embarrassment and loss of finances seem to be so overwhelming that it blinds the judgment and perceptions of couples who would otherwise choose to postpone or cancel their wedding. When this occurs we have abandoned our first goal, which is deciding whether or not they should marry at this time.
This blinding also occurs in well-adjusted couples, who, while looking at potential troublesome issues, seem to ignore relevant facts that might help them in their future adjustment. When this happens, we are abandoning the second goal of helping couples gain skills that will enable them to nurture the relationship toward intimacy and maturity.
One way we have found to deal with this problem is to make it mandatory for couples to complete their premarital counseling before being allowed to place their wedding date on the calendar.
We also encourage couples to begin the premarital counseling before becoming engaged, thus leaving them plenty of time to deal with the issues before them without the pressure of having to meet deadlines. Although this policy raises some questions when first instituted, once explained it is often supported and desired by all involved. Most ministers say it takes about a year to educate the congregation.
These procedures have worked well in most of the situations of which I am aware, when they have been instituted over time with plenty of promotion. The only situations that have been problematic are when one or more members of a multiple pastoral staff has gone contrary to the policy. Unfortunately, the mindset that develops with couples is that if you want to be assured of getting married “go to X Church or Y minister. He doesn’t make you work hard.” This process only reinforces a tragic pattern that possibly already has begun and will continue into marriage. Simply stated, it is “do it the easy way.” Its implications spell disaster when applied to communication and conflict resolution. In addition, confusion and feelings of unfairness are often experienced by couples who do not understand why the requirements are so different among ministers at the same church.
These recommendations are not harsh but loving and concerned. We care about the couple’s marriage and future enough to be involved. And the goals and process described here can best be attained by the personal investment of time to conduct premarital counseling on an individual basis rather than the group premarital process.
What are the results of this program of counseling, and are they significant? Very little has been done in terms of extensive research and long-term statistical studies. Two research reports will be cited, as well as individual responses.
Lt. Col. John Williams, a faculty member of the United States Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, reported in his doctoral thesis that divorce among U.S. military officers is significantly lower than among the population as a whole. Among military officers, Air Force officers were found to have the lowest divorce rate, with the lowest of all found among officers graduating from the Air Force Academy. Between 1959, when the first class graduated, and 1970, only 21 of the 4,500 Air Force Academy graduates (.004 percent) were divorced.
Those statistics may be explained in part by the high value placed on stable marriage. A premarital counseling program conducted by the chaplaincy is an indication of the importance of successful marriage to the Air Force. Cadets and their fiancées are given intensive preparation for marriage, which takes place after graduation from the academy. Protestant, Catholic, and Jewish chaplains conduct their own programs.
Catholic chaplains spend eight to fourteen hours counseling each couple, covering basic areas of communication, finances, love, responsible child planning, and in-laws. The final preparation takes place at a weekend retreat where marriage counselors, gynecologists, and lawyers share their views and experiences with the couples.
The Protestant program includes seminars on Sunday afternoons in January, February, and March. The subjects discussed include the success rate of Air Force marriages, methods of communication, and the physical and spiritual aspects of marriage. A marriage retreat is conducted in April.2
I conducted a research study in 1976 surveying more than 1,000 churches; 407 returned usable surveys representing twenty-five different denominations, with churches ranging in size from 30 people to more than 6,000. Church staffs indicated the types, extent, and results of their premarital counseling programs.3
The survey contained several important findings. Premarital counseling was required by 369 ministers, whereas thirty-eight did not require counseling. The average number of required sessions was three. Forty-five pastors required only one session, and forty-five required at least six sessions. More than half, 274 ministers, said they performed weddings for nonbelievers; sixty-nine reported they did not. Two of the most significant questions asked the participants were:
1. If counseling is mandatory, how do couples react? How does the church respond to this? More than 90 percent of the responses to this question were positive. People were in favor of the policy, felt that it helped, and encouraged their friends to come for counseling. Some couples were hesitant or went elsewhere.
2. What are the results of premarital counseling in your experience, and how do you know? A representative sampling of responses follows:
• It has opened up couples to marital counseling that they otherwise would not have had.
• Many have expressed gratitude. Only two have been divorced (about 70 marriages in 22 years).
• Several have postponed or canceled weddings.
• About 20 percent do not marry. They cancel their arrangements.
• Some couples decide that they are not ready for marriage; some have come to know Christ as Savior.
• Most couples have appreciated the sessions.
• In one church 25 percent of the couples decided not to get married. Almost another 25 percent have postponed their wedding dates. Many couples have been very outspoken in their appreciation and in encouraging friends to take the course.
One pastor counseled fifty-seven couples and conducted weddings for twenty-three. Out of the first eleven he married before he learned how to conduct premarital counseling, one couple had divorced and five couples were having serious struggles. After training he counseled forty-five couples. They now have proper ground rules for their marriages and even for disagreeing and are developing successful marriages.
In 1978–79 Christian Marriage Enrichment conducted an extensive marriage and family survey throughout the United States upon a Christian population. More than 8,000 couples responded, representing more than twenty-five denominations.4 Of the 109 questions, several were focused upon premarital preparation.
One survey item asked: “Prior to your own marriage did you receive premarital counseling from the church or pastor where you were married?” Although 3,045 said yes, almost 5,000 said no. An additional 571 said they received premarital counseling from a professional counselor. Thus 45 percent of those participating in the survey received some preparation.
A very significant question was: “If you did receive premarital counseling, do you feel that it helped you in your marriage?” Positive responses greatly outnumber the negative, as shown below.
Definitely Yes — 29.3 percent
Possibly Yes — 45.5 percent
Possibly No — 13.2 percent
Definitely No — 11.2 percent
Only 15 percent of those who participated in one session stated that it definitely helped their marriage, and 31 percent of those who received two sessions of counseling said it definitely helped. Significantly, of those who attended five sessions, 53 percent said that counseling definitely helped their marriage, and 75 percent of those attending seven or more sessions said that premarital counseling definitely helped their marriage.
A statistical study and analysis was done upon the effect of premarital counseling as seen by responses to other questions. Some of the findings derived from this research include the following:
• More of those who received premarital counseling say they entered marriage with an adequate understanding of what it would be like than those who did not receive counseling.
• More respondents who received premarital counseling described their marriage as fulfilled and continuing than did the respondents who did not receive counseling.
• More of those who received premarital counseling strongly believe that knowing and having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ has had a positive effect on their marriage than those who did not receive premarital counseling.
• More of those who received premarital counseling believe that the teachings and application of Scripture have helped their marriage relationship in a positive manner than those who did not receive premarital counseling.
• Among those who received premarital counseling the major responsibility for disciplining the children is equally shared more often than among those who did not receive premarital counseling.
• Fewer respondents who received premarital counseling listed how to resolve conflicts in the top four areas in which they would like the most additional help than those who had not received premarital counseling.
1. Couple’s Premarital Notebook, Dove Fellowship Church, Ephrata, Pennsylvania.
2. Article, Religious News Service, May 15, 1974, p. 2.
3. H. Norman Wright, research survey, Talbot Theological Seminary, 1976.
4. A research report by Christian Marriage Enrichment and Christian Counseling and Enrichment, Tustin, Calif., 1979.